HRT & PLANNED PARENTHOOD or: I Discover My Superpower: Pride

[Violet]

Hi! This is the first in a Series of reports of the past 6 months of my transitioning. I write very conversationally, with typographical flair, idiosyncratic humor, philosophical musing, & occasional TMI—but always with self-awareness, not self-indulgence. My sincere goal is to make an understandable expression in order to help anyone reading feel less alone & more wise about this thing called transitioning. -Violet.

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With 92% of transgender people knowing their true selves by age 26 [NCTE 2015 US Survey, p.46] I’m one of those 8% who didn’t. I was 46, nearly 47. By the time I joined here I’d finally recognized that I truly wanted to start HRT; it’d just been the pseudo-self I’d thought I was who was still lingering when "he" convinced me You really should give it a couple of years, Violet. You need to lose that weight first, yeah? Like everything “he” says, it wasn’t rational, but quasi-rational; it wasn’t prudence, it was fear. After a self-therapy “soul in the crucible” session in July I’d conquered that via rationality, self-respect, & a plethora of tears.

 

            Accepting I was at least gonna try Planned Parenthood [hereafter PP] & see if I could get HRT meant examining my money & my drinking. 4.36 beers a night. Alcohol-wise, this was precisely how much I drank; 12 oz. of 5% X 4.36. Never drunk, always tipsy, late at night, never when depressed (for when I felt that way, I’d just go to bed early), I appeared to be a modestly heavy beer drinker with surgical control, so far as I could fathom from all the info I googled. With all but one of my beers being craft brews I was spending $150 a month! So: stop drinking for health reasons & money reasons, & HRT pays for itself! In early August, I stopped & haven’t had a drop since.

 

            I made the PP appointment for late September & started actually going inside places when presenting my true self for much needed (shall we say) Dress Rehearsal. For me, it was vital that when I went to PP, I was presenting my true self! When I heard my name “Violet?” I was gonna be presenting me! I got through that time pretty easily (although, in retrospect, my foundation was too dark for me! Ugh!). There were looks, but nothing happened; I used the women’s bathroom & all was well.

 

            Late September & it was time for the PP HRT appointment. [God, this feels so long ago now!] I went in at 9am; wig, makeup, dress, flat sandals, & my lovely new purse (bought by my roommate & former fiancé/now BFF Ruthie). The waiting room was empty, & on the TV Up was playing. My true name & pronouns were always used by everyone there. I sat there feeling so proud of myself I thought I might bust! Violet? She asked. I went in &, naturally, it was weigh-in time. I’d not weighed in almost 10 years. I’d thought/hoped desperately that I was 220-240. I stood on the scale & stared at the numbers… “It’s not going down!” I whispered, utterly bewildered. “It’s the shoes, honey. It’s the shoes,” the too-sweet-for-words assistant replied. 272… Ugh!!!

 

            I met with two women, one a medical professional, & the other a med student. They couldn’t have been kinder. When they found out I was Ph. D. student in Philosophy that seemed to relax them a touch; so, we talked about college a bit. I was asked standard questions regarding my life & struggles with gender dysphoria. As I truly never knew, my life (especially since 14 or so) had been never knowing what the problem was, but always thinking I knew. I’d thought it was obesity (dieting by 8 years old, yet not fat till 16), skin too pale, baldness, hairiness, inability to understand females, inability to gauge my sexual orientation, depression, anxiety, moved over 30 times, on & on. I’d crossdressed for only 15 months in a row until October 2018 when I finally knew & accepted I was a transwoman; this taught me that it was actually (approximately, obviously) 75% gender dysphoria, with the remaining 25% simply being depression, anxiety, & social isolation that I would’ve had to struggle with even if I’d been a cishet male, instead of a pansexual transwoman.

 

            Then there was the checklist of Do you understand that this will happen &/or this could happen once you begin HRT? Yup!! I did mention I wanted to go kinda slow with Spironolactone, after reading some slightly concerning stuff; they were fine with that. So, with that done it was blood-taking time. Easy peasy. The whole thing was around an hour & $180. With no experience with a pharmacy in almost 10 years, I’d no idea what to tell them for where to place the Rx except Sam’s Club. I mean, I knew they had a pharmacy & I’m a member, right? With all that done I went to my car, changed into my heels [chunky heels for a chunky girl!] & left to pick-up Ruthie at work. There is a reason I often call her L’il Miss Unilateral, & she showed why that day. She was sweet & proud of me & listened to my account; upon finishing, however, she declared with zero warning beforehand: Now listen here Violet! I’m goin’ to Home Depot! You can go home if you want? But I’m gettin’ me some new blinds!

 

            Well! Decisions… Do I dare go into a macho arena like Home Depot dressed in my truth & walk all over Hell’s Half Acre as we traipse around looking for blinds? Well, am I feeling so much pride in myself I’m kinda levitating a quarter inch off the car-seat? Hells Yass! So, in we went. Gawd I luv those heels; I walked wonderfully in them & felt so proud as Ruthie did the unthinkable: preemptively asking where blinds were located! Will miracles ever cease? Later that night, I had a lovely cry. I felt so proud it actually hurt a bit; this is your superpower, honey!! & I thought this is what it feels like, when you allow yourself to be courageous, & allow that courage to change you into the person you were always meant to be…Violet, a proud transwoman.

 

            The next day? I called PP. I was approved!!!!! I started bawling, gawd. Ok, enough of that! We gotta get pretty & go to Sam’s! The Rx was for 3 months of Estradiol & Spironolactone [I know to never mention dosages.] When I arrived the pharmacist was wonderful & professional; she asked Violet, do you have a Premium membership? I did not. She said Y’know, if you upgraded? It’d more than pay for this in just the first prescription. Sign me up! So, with my HRT & looking lovely I did some shopping.

 

            90 days later, when time for picking-up my reup at Sam’s I was complimented twice in 4 minutes!! As I walked in, I was rocking my new carnation pink & black dress & (yet another of my many pairs of) chunky heels. A lovely woman of a certain age works there greeting customers & asking to see their membership card. Natch, I had mine ready to deploy & showed her, with a smile. She smiled back saying “Thank you. And I just love your dress!” “Thanks so much!! I just got it!” and winked at her. Then, four minutes later at the pharmacy the pharmacist said “I really love that dress! I just can’t wear pink.” OMG!!!! I blushed, & replied “Oh goodness, thank you!! I’m still learning what looks right, y’know?” “It really goes great with your color.” So, like, I kinda floated in a haze after that!

 

            The HRT changes? You can guess, right? Slowly but surely: feeling more leveled, more harmonious, calmer, more my true self; less wanking, sure; breasts started (yea!!!) with the hard-little pea-shape appearing around the 4^th month. The trans-folk wisdom is if you’ve a sister (I do) then take her boob size & subtract 1 cup size; thus, will be your cup size. [When I mentioned this to my mother 2 days ago, she burst out laughing, cos my sister?] Well? My sister has actually had a breast reduction! She was 32DD at 14 or 15! I think she was an F cup, but am skittish about asking just now. So, I’m hopeful to be large breasted; but we shall see. But that I can squeeze them with my upper arms & already have substantial cleavage after only 5.5 months has been shocking & exciting. The past 2 weeks they’re clearly getting bigger; when I use my back/neck massagers I now have to place some of my taken-off shirt underneath them, or there will be sweat! Lastly, I’ve had virtually no pain either; a little soreness around the acerolas at first, but almost nothing now.

 

            What else? Skin is drier (I was soooo oily!!) & thinner & more sensitive—especially to cold!! More crying? Y’know, the thing with this question is this: my crying effectively started not with HRT, but with realizing & accepting I was a transwoman; I cried more that first month than I have my entire life x 10: I’m serious. Crying so hard & so long you get headaches & your sides ache; literal wailing—something I’ve never done! It was just all in there & coming out, y’know? Further, crying since HRT simply feels less intense, less (can I say?) exorcistic. Crying now simply feels…natural. Like: why wouldn’t I cry right now? There’s no macho resistance, be it conscious or subconscious; they’re just tears, let them come…Sometimes you need a good cry, y’know?

 

            Body hair! My legs & arms get more days until I need to shave, & the skin feels so creamy & good! Ruthie helped big time with the hideousness of Back & Shoulder Hair Removal. I use Veet, btw. After 3 weeks it’s not growing back!! (So far.) I removed the chest & abdomen hair as well, & it also is taking more time to return. Really the best thing has been that with my skin is now substantially less oily, I can shave my chest & breasts very easily & there’s no razor bump redness anymore!!! I always use Nivea (sensitive skin) after, just like for my face & neck; further, I use astringent in the morning on my face, neck & chest, in order to stay on guard against bumps & pimples. Ciswomen don’t just “show skin”; they’re showing hairless, blemish-less skin. But before HRT? Shaving this area was ghastly!

 

            Wanking is less as I said; but when—right after I knew I was trans—I’d thought that I didn’t want HRT? I was specifically worried about loss of wanking; I’ve gone twice a day every day since 12: no exaggeration; literally, I’ve never had a wet dream! Well… After a few weeks, I dropped that to once a day; I’d felt a kinda burning feeling in the head after a couple of wanks one night & I decided: ok, that’s fine. Once a day it is. Erections are tougher to get, tougher to maintain: this is true. But it’s also true I don’t mind; I’ve adjusted. The days of 90 minute sessions are clearly gone (think of the free time I have now!! : ) The usual session is 20-25 minutes. Prostrate massage is something I do always now, when it’s orgasm time, I mean. I’ve a modest dildo that I sometimes use, as well; but I suddenly began preferring the prostrate massage. I’m now convinced it’s because it makes me feel more feminine, as the gestures are virtually identical to clitoral wanking. Are the testicles shrinking? Are they?! Yes. The penis is losing girth as well, it appears; but erections themselves are still hard. Lastly, I’ve even had the rarest thought of my life lately: It’s about time to wank. Hmm… Maybe I’ll just read? OMG what am I saying?! So, like, it doesn’t feel like there’s something wrong with me when I occasionally don’t wank & just read instead.

 

            Fat. It’s moving, darling. My face looks more feminine (I was blessed with a round face as it is, so I’m lucky on that score.) Further, & contrary to popular wisdom (sorry but I’m about to flex!) I’m losing weight! So, like 11 weeks later (right before Xmas) I went in to PP for more follow-up; if you don’t: you don’t get re-up’d, right? And the scale? 259.9!!!! Yass!!! [Oh, & the TV was showing The Grinch that Stole Christmas—vital detail!]. We chatted, doubtless; more blood. I was told, ok, ready? Your cholesterol & blood sugar are perfect. At 100-pounds overweight?! -what the heck-? It was hard to recall anything she’d said after that. I dunno. I take lots of supplements, but still… I guess I’ve got good genetics? Whatever, I’ll take it! Dosages were increased (Again: I know to not site specifics). Just yesterday I called them (I’m confident in my voice…more often than not, anyways) & made an appointment for my next follow-up. I cannot explain just how lovely everyone at Planned Parenthood has been; professional but also simply kind & sweet to a middle-aged transwoman beginning not so much a new life as her first life, her first true life. Again, my lovely name was always used & my pronouns of she/her always respected. If anyone reading this has been skittish about seeking HRT at PP? Well, we all know as transgender people your mileage may vary. I can’t predict what will happen; but I hope my experiences will help you make an informed decision regarding them

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Violet said:

If anyone reading this has been skittish about seeking HRT at PP? Well, we all know as transgender people your mileage may vary. I can’t predict what will happen; but I hope my experiences will help you make an informed decision regarding them

Ok first Wow the longest post i have ever read and may I say well written. 
I too was recommended PP by my therapist for this service they they are not only very professional and extremely kind towards me as a transgender person they also seem to truly care about how I feel not just how my transition is going physically.

i strongly recommend them too. 

[Susan R]

Hello Violet, you’ve written an absolutely brilliant post!  I enjoyed it very much.  It sounds like you’re meeting and exceeding all expectations on your HRT.  Glad it’s doing well for you.  For someone thinking about starting HRT (especially at PP), this is an excellent guide as to what to expect.  I hope to hear more about your journey as you march forward.  Thank you for sharing this with us all.  It’s well worth the time it took to read.

 

Warm Regards,

Susan R?

[Violet]

Thanks so much for the encouraging words, Shawna & Susan!! I needed them! Hugs! : )

[ShawnaLeigh]

On 3/4/2020 at 10:24 PM, Violet said:

Thanks so much for the encouraging words, Shawna & Susan!! I needed them! Hugs! : )

You are most welcome but you better keep us posted!

We love to hear of success and help with those who may struggle.

Its why we are all here after we learn about ourselves.