Had another talk with my "roommate" (wife).

[ShawnaLeigh]

So I had to discuss this with her and finally put it to bed.

After my horrific melt down over presenting as my old male self while going to the grocery store I learned I just can not do it anymore.

 

We had made an agreement very early after I came out to not present female until our divorce was started.   (She now claims she said "over" -Yikes)

That was months ago and back then I had no idea how ready I would be, or when, but gave her a timeline of months and months at least.  

Fast forward to today and I have been presenting female almost totally (accept for that short grocery trip) for over a week and a half. 

It was crushing for me and I did not expect it to be nor expect the feelings I had about it.

 

Anyways this prompted a "talk" about this and I told my wife (now considered as my roommate=RM) just what I went threw and why it was so difficult.

She understands but was angry over the "breech of agreement" we put in place so long ago.  I explained that I had no idea, yadda-yadda-yadda and so on and she understood how things can evolve for me as I really have no idea.  "Its all still a journey of discovery not a black and white timeline", I told her. 

However she is holding firm to her "lines in the sand" she will not cross.  This includes not going out with me as Shawna, locally, and she states "This will not happen".  Now she follows that up with, "any trips we take out of town or state is fine."  So this tells me she still has deep rooted embarrassment over me if someone she knows were to see us together as Shawna and Angela.

I am hoping she sees eventually that this is foolish as we still share expenses and this includes groceries which we have always done together.  So we will see.

Oh well.  

Not going to the few places we go locally is a small price to pay to be who I deserve to be and have a right to be.  I am Shawna not Shawn.

 

I still have a lot of conversations to have with her before we can get passed it all as I recognize this is still a transition for her as well and sometimes it can be a hard thing to do.  One step at a time.  

Shortly after this conversation she made us a nice breakfast and we then played video games together. LOL

So no hard feelings either. 

[TommieAnne]

Sounds like a victory, even if small and painful.

Congratulations Shawna. I know it's been tough.

TA

[Jackie C.]

That's rough. I know how I'd feel if Susan was embarrassed to be seen with me where, "Someone we know might see." I'm sorry your RM (I want to write Roomba, is that weird) has chosen to go down that path. Hopefully she'll realize that she's being silly and hurting you. Preferably sooner rather than later.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

Its been my biggest hang up on the whole thing really.

I have accepted the marriage is over and I have accepted she will never be a lesbian or be in a marriage as such.  I have even accepted that our relationship has diminished from spouses to just friends.  

I just cant get passed being told she accepts me and supports me and she even says she stil loves me.  Not to mention everything she has done for me to help be transition and be the women I am today, but then states without question these negative things that clearly say she is embarrassed of me, adds in she does not owe me an explanation or a reason why either and that she does not want to be seen out in public "where someone may see us".

I mean you don't do that to someone you love nor even someone you consider a friend.

Or is it just me?

[Jackie C.]

35 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I mean you don't do that to someone you love nor even someone you consider a friend.

 

Well *I* certainly wouldn't and I have a friend who cosplayed as a... drat, I deleted the picture. Imagine a heavyset dude wearing a felt hood shaped like a dragon head. Anyway, totally appeared that way in public. My advice was to add some under structure to the dragon head to make it hold its shape better. Besides, who am I to judge? My favorite hat has fox ears on it.

 

I have friends who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, whatever Barack and Austin are (they identify as queer, I don't know the specifics). I'm not ashamed to be seen with any of them. I'm a little sad that I don't get to be seen with them right now because of the quarantine.

 

I think your RM (Roomba!) is being ridiculous. Half the time people who actually know us don't recognize me since I've transitioned and neither one of us is ashamed of who we are. Well, there's the thing with not telling Susan's dad, but that's turned into more of a running joke.

 

Hugs!

[Lexi C]

Hey Shawna 

I wish I could help but I was never married, but it sound to me that you are belong the real you and maybe she afraid of reality. Be safe, Be pround and KICK ASS

[Lexi C]

AWWWWW hate this recognition voice crap. OK not it sounds to me that you a finally being  ( NOT BELONG) the real you and maybe she afraid of that reality...hugs

[Susan R]

7 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

One step at a time.  

Shortly after this conversation she made us a nice breakfast and we then played video games together. LOL

So no hard feelings either. 

I think if there’s any chance in saving the marriage, the prescription is a subtle combination of quality moments spent with eachother like mentioned above, civil communication and discourse, and time.  I could see an outcome down the road where she begins to really like the new you more and more.  Eventually she starts to accept that this is truly who you are and takes a steps to allow you to be you (specifically dropping the restrictions set forth early on).  It sounds crazy but this does happen.  It happened with my wife and I when I came out but only took her 4 days to truly make the full acknowledgement and adjustment needed to make things work.

 

Susan R?

[Jani]

I agree with this sentiment.  This is still a shocking event for her and she will need to adjust.  Some spouses move quickly to reconcile the change and others take longer, or don't.  Keep practicing patience and kindness.  All my best to you both.

 

Jani

[ShawnaLeigh]

I truly thank you both for the encouraging words.  We are headed down a path together that we both want.  It does not end us just changes it a bit.  We are both happy with our plans and working together to make it as easy and low cost as possible.  As comfortable and safe as possible too. 

It not about love for us anymore.  Not in a sense of love between spouses.  That was lost for us long ago and  where we settled is comfortable for us just not as man and wife.  we love each other like close friends. Maybe even sisters. 
We are truly girlfriends now.  

Yes we have butt heads s bit lately but that’s more about my transition then our marriage.  She wants firm black n white timelines from a person who lives somewhere in between.  That gray zone where plans are made a changed in the same sentence.  Lol

It is hard for her as well as me.  I just want her happy snd she the same.  She is just struggling with it being trans vs any other reason a couple could divorce over.  I’m being as understanding as possible without sacrificing my true self to do it. 

So thank you again but our divorce is not the end for us.  Just a different step.  

[DonnaBall]

Shawna I am in kinda the same situation as you.  My wife is leaving and buying her own place and just waiting for the mortgage to go through hopefully by the end of April. 

 

This all started back in November to get to this final stage.  We had to agree on a separation agreement and divide our assets and in order to split the condo we live in I had to get a mortgage so now for the first time in 20 years I have a payment and it's a big one. 

 

We both love each other and get along well and go places together like shopping or bike riding and are still sleeping in the same bed with a little bit of touching now and then and a sweet hug in the morning. We are best buddies and I have helped her with her computer so many times with her move and condo purchase looking at different places.  We have always been two head are better than one in making big decisions. 

 

The thing is she will not tolerate any crossdressing let alone help me or go out with me. I cannot  go out as Donna because I live in a condo where everyone knows me and would see me as Donna and I'm not ready for that yet.  That will be some time after my wife leaves and I can decide after being Donna at home all the time that I am ready to go 24/7 and have my female presentation perfected. 

 

Anyways, how many of you are in a situation where your wife will not allow any crossdressing.  I just got the speech today that no way no how would she ever accept seeing me as a woman. 

 

I am seeing a few signs that we will see each other after separation as I will help her get set up in her new place.  I have spoiled her in all the lillimprovements I made in my condo and now she want the conveniences she will be leaving put into her new place.

 

I am hoping that we are still friends after she leaves but I would have to be in Don mode for that to happen and once I go full time that would not be fun for me going back and forth and confusing my neighbors and myself

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

I actually have been Shawna full time for almost a month now.  Prior to that I was in private with her in our home.  She has no problem being with or interacting with me at all but our separation in house was made right from the beginning with zero touching or less then that in intimacy’s. 
Things are comforting this way for us both and we definitely begin pulling away from each other as spouses emotionally.  
 

[DonnaBall]

Still it must be difficult for both of you not to be intimate and be so physically close to eachother and experiencing similar situations where previously it was natural to touch or hug.  I can't imagine my wife seeing Donna and wonder what would happen if I just went ahead and did what I want and dressed all day and night. 

I'm afraid she might just decide to go for divorce because she would view that as I don't really love her which may prove that is true if I did that. 

She has been very generous to me in the financial settlement area, more than I ever expected, proving her love for me where it counts, so I am wiling to wait for her departure and leave our love intact for the long run. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

It is what happened in my case and I am not going to sugar coat it.  My wife is very hetro and will not be in a lesbian marriage regardless of what people think, say or not.  I can understand and respect this as she has every right to want and desire what she wants and desires.  As do it.  As do all of us.

So yes my transition effectively ended my marriage but not being me would of ended my life so what kind of choice is that.  Its not a choice nor is being transgender and I do not regret being who I am, as again it is my right to exist as I am and not play a role for someone else.  Just to keep them or have them love me?  That's false love IMO.  They do not love me they loved my male persona, my shell, and that's gone now. Oh well.  Life goes on every day and who knows what my future brings.  Maybe I will get it right next time because I am finally being my true self. No lies or deceptions.  Just the bare bones Me.

Accepting the loss of love from someone dear to you based on that is hard but like I said.  The alternative was an eventual death.

Not me sister!

[DonnaBall]

I'm not sure about my true self as you are Shawna, but I do know this.  Every time I see certain women, especially very feminine women as my wife is, and I want what they have so bad that I can hardly stand it. I want to live as a woman very much.  Whether that is the man in me that is naturally supposed to be attracted to women, I don't know.  I have tried to figure out why I am what I am, the reason for feeling the way I do, all of my life and I can't come up with an answer. The psychologist seem to know what it is, disphoria, but they don't know why.