Hopeless?

[Guest Cassandra_s]

Hello!

I'm a 38 year old biological male; I've been married for 9 years to a lovely woman who I very much love, and I have two children, 2 and 4.

And... my wife doesn't know that I dress. And.... I have a very bad feeling that I'm in over my head.

I've been dressing since I was about 12 years old; it just felt so good wearing my mother's old clothes - so - RIGHT.

I hit puberty pretty late - at about 16, and suddenly couldn't fit in anything anymore; but I still kept the fantasy.

When I became an adult I bought clothes, lingere, dresses, shoes; and every so often I felt ashamed of myself and threw them all away, only to start over 6 months later.

But now... for the last couple years I've been dressing whenever my wife goes out... not to "get off" or anything but just because it just feels right when I'm dressed. I'm just so uncomfortable when I'm not. I feel like I'm hiding who I am. I'm sure that makes sense to some of you.

I don't want to lose my wife, I have no idea how she'd take it if she found out. Nor do I want to lose my children. But at the same time I feel like I'm kidding myself, like I'm living a lie... because I don't feel like the man I pretend to be.

I think I'm kidding myself when I say, "It's just crossdressing, lots of guys do it" I don't think I'm a cross-dresser.

I wish I could be myself, the woman I feel I am. But I'm far far too scared.

I've thought about RLT -> MTF... all my life. But that's it, I've just thought about it. If I can't admit this to my wife, how could I do more? How could I explain to her that... although I feel I'm the wrong gender... that... I'm attracted to women more than men? I have no homophobia - I have a number of gay friends and although I'd call myself bi-curious I simply don't find men all that attractive. How could I explain to my wife that I still love her more than anything and that although it would clearly change our relationship... - How could it NOT kill our relationship? How could I do that to her? SHE is attracted to men, not women. Why would she want to be married to a woman?

How could I do it to my kids? Yeah, my life has to be important to me.... but .... wouldn't I be ruining three people's lives just to be me? Should I not continue to live a lie?

I'm get depressed when I think about living a lie, and too chicken to do anything else. I've thought about "letting myself get caught." Maybe letting my wife find my things. I think I'm far too chicken to do that, either.

Anyhow, I guess I'm just sulking, but I suspect I'm not the only one here thinking the same thing. I guess I'm just looking for some support.

[Guest Sophie Jean]

Hi Cassandra and welcome to the playground. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier when you come out to your wife with these feelings. But for me it did not. On the other hand, it did relieve a lot of the burden of shame and secrecy from her. As for me, I have some tough days ahead, but I am glad my wife knows--it lets me more fully explore myself.

One thing I seriously recommend you do, is make an appointment with a gender specialist as soon as possible.

- Sophie Jean

[Guest Sally Stone]

Cassandra,

Right off the bat, I agree with Sophie Jean, you should see a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues. It is important that you discover who you are.

I also know that coming out to your wife may be difficult but living a lie may be contributing to your feelings of despair. If you can't simply turn off your feelings (and I don't think anyone who has ever walked the transgender path has been successful at that) you are going to have to tell your wife at some point. Personally, I don't think letting her catch you is the best way to broach the subject.

Since you don't know in your own heart where you are on the transgender spectrum, don't try to categorize yourself if you talk to your wife. I'd be honest and upfront, and tell her it feels right when you wear woman's clothing. You might want to discuss the general concept of gender identity instead of saying you are a crossdresser or trannsesexual, or a transgenderist. Maybe exploring your feelings together with your wife will help her to understand what you are going through.

I suspect that whatever you decide, it will be difficult for your wife when she finds about you. You are the only one who can decide whether or not to tell her. If you decide that she does need to know about you though, I recommend the news come from you in a controlled setting. I don't recommend letting her discover your secret accidently.

I think you will find support here at this forum. Opening up to us is your first, best step. I wish you all the best.

Sally

[gennee]

I understand your situation. How my family would take this was my main concern. When I told my wife she was shocked but now is partially accepting. My son is cool with it. I agree with Sophie. Perhaps a gender specialist can help you sort out some things. Good luck.

Gennee

[Guest Sandy]

Hi Cassandra.....I feel your pain and confusion, we all do. The questions you ask are hard to answer. It's seems to be different with everyone. Some of us come out to loving wives and have their whole lives destroyed. Some come out and are completly welcomed by their so. Some come out and are left confused. The wife knows what you do and seems to understand, but never wants to talk about it. So your left floating in a never land. This is how my wife found out. 3 Holloweens ago I wanted to dress as a girl for a party. She went shopping with me for clothes(It was wonderfull). We found a skirt and top. She thought that was it, but I insisted on a bra, panties, nylons and a cheap wig. The night of the party I wanted makeup and painted my nails. I was so caught up in the moment, I didn't realize that she was noticing I was enjoying this a little too much. (couple months later) I was soooo happy that I said I wanted to dress again for the next holloween and that's when I noticed her getting creeped out. I don't know why, I finally broke down and told her my greatest secret. We layed in bed, there was some crying(mostly me) and she said"you don't see me leaving" and we hugged. I felt 40 years of hiding who I really was flow out of me. But it hasn't been a dream come true, my secret is out, but we can't talk about it. So I still feel like I'm hiding all the time......Well that's my story. I hope it works out for you.....Sandy

[Guest Cassandra_s]

Thanks girls, I apprecate your comments.

I've thought about seeing a gender specialist before, but... I kept telling myself, "You're just a perfectly normal straight crossdresser, why do you need to see a shrink?" But no more, I think I have to now. I've found the name of someone and I'll be calling her to set up an appointment.

I've also been thinking about telling my wife sooner rather than later. I guess I made up my mind to tell her at about the same time that I posted, and now that I've made up my mind I can't sleep or work, I'm too preoccupied - too worried. I don't know. Maybe I'll just chicken out. But... I DON'T WANT TO BE MALE... I can't stand it any more. I've got to tell her.

Anyway I just wanted to thank you.

Cassy

[Guest AlexJ]

Hi Cassandra,

Life would be so much easier if we didn't care so much about our loved ones.. but we do, and have to consider them.

You have to take some sort of action because you need some support and reassurance right now.

It doesn't have to be telling your family just yet, maybe just someone to talk to.

But if you are sure about how you want to go on then it's probably better sooner rather than later, esp for your children.

I would say any major changes in a child's life should be made when they're young enough to forget it, or old enough to deal with it.

Perhaps show your wife this forum, and discuss it together? She will see you've thought about things and are not unique

in your feelings.

Good luck

Alex

[Guest joan eden]

At least you're not alone.Tri-ess is a group for hertro CDs.They seem to push telling your wife and they have support groups.You might try them. I have read of guys who go out in drag shopping with there wives. I have read of complete meltdowns.I have wondered if I wasn't a CD, How would I feel if one day looking for something in a closet I came upon a box. In this box was a fake mustach,a can of fake fiveoclock shadow, shoulder pads,mens shoes to small for me but to big for her,and other stuff a women would use to appear as a man.Would I think she was crazy?Would I confront her? Would I think she was gay or bi at least?What if she said she had always felt this way and could change even if she wanted to. Being a CD I would feel different than the guy on the street.To quote Jim Morrison" This is the strangest life I've ever known"I have read of someone being buried in Drag. Don't know if its true.