Happy to join you !

[SophiAir]

I'm happy to join you on this forum. Relationships here seem to be very friendly and so benevolent.

I'm a 53 MtF, still questionning.

After 30 years with my ex-wife, I thought I was gay. I divorced. I fell in love with my boyfriend. I have lived with with him for 4 years now.

Since several months, lot of memories when I was a child and teenage have come back. And I've found that I'm not gay. I love men because I'm a woman. I know it nearly for sure. All that I had hidden is coming back.

Crossdress when I was child and the shame of it when my older sister discoverd it, games at school when I wanted to play with girls who didn't want to because I was not a girl, boys games that I didn't want to join, make up with my mother's lipstick. I used to wear a tshirt around my forehead like a wig, etc... The feeling of never being at the right place, in the right way. Well, things people here know very well.

I don't know how to announce that to my boyfriend, who is really gay. I mean he never went with woman and he doesn't want to. I'm so scared to loose him. I know he loves me, but how much, how deeply.

Furthermore, my 22 y son lives with us. He's already lived my first gay coming out, divorce. I'm afraid to destabilize him once more.

Sorry if my English is not correct. I do my best. But I've not practiced for a long time.

 

[Jackie C.]

Welcome Sophi!

 

No worries, your English is much better than my French. ?

 

Welcome to the site! Feel free to look around and join in the conversation! We're happy to have you!

 

Hugs!

[TommieAnne]

Hello and welcome Sophi!

Glad you're here. Be assured that your English is excellent. As for my French? My French teacher used to roll her eyes and mutter something about spiders on the ceiling, so I think I'm hopeless at it.

This is a really good place to discuss questions you may have. If nothing else, to know you are not alone.

TA

[SophiAir]

Thank you very much for your answers Jackie an TA.

I was reading several testimonies on the forum, and I feel like I have found my real world. We share so many things in common. How many are we through the world ? How many children have been bullied, mocked and terrified because of what they were, what they are. I'm happy and int he same time, very sad.

Thank you for all. I think it's a beautifull beginning, and it will help me much more than I thought it would.

Sophie

[ShawnaLeigh]

Welcome Sophie!  You indeed found a great place to communicate with others just like yourself.  We all understand and accept.  Lots of love and support here and no one has done this all by themselves and is the only one.  You are not alone here!

 

As for you and your boyfriend.  It is tough.  Love is love but you do not want to continue being in a relationship if its not what you both want or need.  My advice is do not just come out to the world again but have a quiet talk with him and tell him you are not certain but experiencing a lot of past memories and things that are pointing you toward what you feel it is.  Without gender therapy actually confirming it you wont be lying.  Which hits on my next point.  Yes you have lived in the world of LBGT for a long while but not as a transgender person.  It can be quite different with a lot of the same ques.  Seek answers from a gender therapist if you can.  They can not only help you on this new leg of your journey and explain things to you but also can give great relationship advice when dealing with a transition.  Its all part of a gender journey and they know.

[Jackie C.]

Official statistics put us at about one in two-hundred. A lot of us learn to hide who we are and are successful for a while. Some of us don't. Depending on where you live that can be fairly traumatic. However, the thing to remember is that it doesn't have to be. I see each day as an opportunity go get a little closer to being my best self.

 

Hugs! 

[SophiAir]

34 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Welcome Sophie!  You indeed found a great place to communicate with others just like yourself.  We all understand and accept.  Lots of love and support here and no one has done this all by themselves and is the only one.  You are not alone here!

 

As for you and your boyfriend.  It is tough.  Love is love but you do not want to continue being in a relationship if its not what you both want or need.  My advice is do not just come out to the world again but have a quiet talk with him and tell him you are not certain but experiencing a lot of past memories and things that are pointing you toward what you feel it is.  Without gender therapy actually confirming it you wont be lying.  Which hits on my next point.  Yes you have lived in the world of LBGT for a long while but not as a transgender person.  It can be quite different with a lot of the same ques.  Seek answers from a gender therapist if you can.  They can not only help you on this new leg of your journey and explain things to you but also can give great relationship advice when dealing with a transition.  Its all part of a gender journey and they know.

Thank you Shawna

Yes I've lived for 4 years as a gay man. And I've never felt be part of this Community. They are actually men. And, the fact that I've felt as different in this Community than in the heterosexual Community, if I can say, made me think a lot. It was clearly not an issue of sexual orientation. But, this experience has made possible my memories to go back up the surface. It's quite rough and hurting, but I feel it necessary.

Sophie

[ShawnaLeigh]

39 minutes ago, SophiAir said:

Thank you Shawna

Yes I've lived for 4 years as a gay man. And I've never felt be part of this Community. They are actually men. And, the fact that I've felt as different in this Community than in the heterosexual Community, if I can say, made me think a lot. It was clearly not an issue of sexual orientation. But, this experience has made possible my memories to go back up the surface. It's quite rough and hurting, but I feel it necessary.

Sophie

Sophie I find your confusions dealing with it quite similar to my own.  I still don't feel truly apart of the LBGT community but I know I am definitely MTF and loving my life now that I am out and full time.  I don't think the two are necessarily a mutual thing.  You can be one and not the other I guess.  I am relatively new to this world though I have been hiding myself for decades  I did not know exactly I was or what I was hiding but I knew it did not conform the society norm for a male.

I find it heart warming you discovered a part of your true nature and found love.  There is no reason why that love can not continue. People change and can change especially for the one they love.  I would not insist but just hope and let fate take its course.  I pray for you girl!

[Jani]

Greeting Sophie and Bienvenue!   I'm glad to see you found us!  What  Shawna wrote is good advice.  

1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

My advice is do not just come out to the world again but have a quiet talk with him and tell him you are not certain but experiencing a lot of past memories and things that are pointing you toward what you feel it is.  Without gender therapy actually confirming it you wont be lying. 

 

I would seek out therapy, which I understand may be difficult in the current environment we are in.  Have faith that this will pass and you can get to a normal life where you will be able to explore and investigate these feelings you are having.  Until then, we are here to converse with.  And do not be concerned as your English is very good!  Your story is similar to many of us here so I know you will fit in well.

 

Cheers, Jani

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Sophie!

 

Congratulations on finding yourself! 

 

Telling your boyfriend will be difficult.  There's no way to know how he will react.  He might surprise you pleasantly, or it might be the end of the relationship.  Or anything in between.  It is a risk we have to take.

 

I had no reason to believe that my wife was interested in a lesbian relationship, so I was prepared for the worst.  But, she stuck with me, and we are closer than before.  She is my best supporter and my best friend.  She still doesn't consider herself a lesbian, but she is happy to be in a relationship with me.  I hope for a similar outcome for you.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[TommieAnne]

2 hours ago, SophiAir said:

Thank you Shawna

Yes I've lived for 4 years as a gay man. And I've never felt be part of this Community. They are actually men. And, the fact that I've felt as different in this Community than in the heterosexual Community, if I can say, made me think a lot. It was clearly not an issue of sexual orientation. But, this experience has made possible my memories to go back up the surface. It's quite rough and hurting, but I feel it necessary.

Sophie

My attempts to blend with and participate in the gay community also felt misplaced. I clearly didn't belong, although my desires were similar we were really about very different things. It all makes sense now, but has been a long time sorting this out.

I'm really glad you are sharing your voice here.

TA

[SophiAir]

How comforting it is to read your posts ! I thought it was so weird to face this new change in my life, in my mind and body. To know I'm not alone to have been so wrong about myself, not to have understood the real me.

Of course I won't look after a therapist right now, because of Covid. But, this forum comforts me to explore further, even if it's not really pleasant to remember things. Well, sometimes it's funny. When I was in the army, I was always the cleanest private, the one with a perfect ironed uniform, the beret exactly positioned on my head… I don't know why but it makes me smile today. I tried to be elegant ?

Well, I'm sure I will have a better night of sleep.

Thank you so much. I'm eager to read you.

Good day or good night wherever you are

Sophie

[Sally Stone]

Welcome Sophie.  So glad you found us.  There's no way you can know how your boyfriend will take the news until you tell him, so, I believe that is a necessity.  The thing is, now that you know who you are, you can't really hide it.  I do wish you all the best.

 

Hugs,

Sally

[SophiAir]

Thank you Sallly. I know I will have to talk with him. I think he's noticed some changes. I take more care of my body, I plucked my face (beard and mustache), my eyebrows. I can see he's wondering.

But as we are confined right now, my friend, my son and I, because of Covid, I fear that it can be explosive, and I don't want my son to witness that.

I think of all of you, take good care of yourselves. The situation in France is not very good, even if we are all confined.

Hugs

Sophie

[Lexi C]

Hey SophiAir

Welcome to site.great place to discuses everything and anything. As for your dilemma. I felt the same way after I I came out as Trans.  I was so confused that I only date guys. I felt too much like a freak to ask women out. Then I found out through my GT that I actually am bi-sexual. I am still very shy around women it has to do with me judgement myself against then. But I never not been in a gay relationship as man always and still am as a trans person. I was upfront, never lie, which is something I think I would done to a women just so she would like me. My suggestion is ask him to join you in Gender Therapy session once you find a good one. I learn  best to be honest to your self and partner.   If they decided; " this not what I sign up for!" Well then you have your answer and your free to life your life. Be safe, BE Pround and KICK ASS

 

[Susan R]

13 hours ago, SophiAir said:

But, this experience has made possible my memories to go back up the surface. It's quite rough and hurting, but I feel it necessary.

Hi Sophie, I missed this thread somehow and I want to welcome you despite being late to the party.  It’s great that you’ve done some deep soul searching and found your true self.  It took me awhile too. Hopefully, you and your partner can maneuver through this together. True love helps but it’s never a guarantee a relationship can survive a gender transition.  I understand how important it is to take that first step.  It takes a lot to do it once, let alone twice. I wish you luck this second go around.  Glad you signed up here too. You’ll fit very well with us all and I’m sure I’ll enjoy reading more of your story as it unfolds.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[SophiAir]

3 hours ago, Alex C said:

I was upfront, never lie

Hello @Alex C, I agree with you. I didn't lie. I didn't know when I met him. That's the point.

Sure that I will live my life anyway, but it would a great loss for me.

Thank you @Susan R for your support. I'm feeling already very well with you all. I love your signature.