Invalid Trans Guy?

[Damien Mcknight]

I see a lot of posts/stories of trans people saying that they’ve known since a young age. Most have.
 

I haven’t.

 

I used to be okay with dresses and skirts, and I thought they made me pretty. I wanted waist length hair. I wanted purses.

 

When I hit 11 or 12, my puberty kicked in, and even then, I still thought I was a girl.

 

Then came my chest growth. I didn’t care much about it. I hated wearing bras. I thought that men’s boxers would look/fit better.

 

I never acted on it.

 

Then I did research. My mind had felt so different. I felt like I was the wrong gender. I found the term “Transgender”.

 

It made sense! I was Trans.

 

Then my mum found out about my sexual trauma, and told me that she had a boy phase after her’s.

 

I went back to being a girl. I wasn’t satisfied.

 

So, I went back. Alex. The name felt right for a while, but then I thought, “Hey, this is too gender neutral!”

 

So then I went on a hunt.

 

Alex.

Ethan.

Ari?

Parker?

 

I was so confused. That’s when suddenly, out of no where, Damien popped into my head.

 

That’s it! That’s my name!

 

My mum was reluctant, and said it was “The name of the Anti-Christ”.

 

I, of course, ignored her.

 

But still, I can’t seem to shake the though about this being “just a phase” because I didn’t know my entire life. 
 

Does this make me fake trans? Because I feel like it does.

[luke_b]

There is no 'fake trans', there are detransitioners, but even they aren't 'fake trans'. I didn't know my whole life I was trans, and your story is pretty similar to mine. We don't always know everything about ourselves as kids, and that is why we have such long lives ahead of us. So much time to grow, change, and keep on learning new things that we didn't know before. We hit rough patches where we are unsure, but we keep on pushing through. One of my favorite quotes is "just know that everything will be ok in the end, and if it's not ok, than it isn't the end", and I take from it that, while the journey is long and troubling at times, at some point we won't have to struggle anymore. Sometimes we aren't ready to know that we are trans or gay until we are older, while some people have always known who they are. Just because you didn't know as a kid doesn't make you any less trans, there is a long process of figuring everything out, and you can take it as slow, or fast, as you want. If you have struggles, you have others to lean on and help you out, and it's ok to doubt yourself, it's completely natural.

[Lexi C]

Hey D . Glad your here. and welcome to TP.

Luke is spot on. I am not sure how old yr are, but the parent route sound like it's not helping this situation. I think its best you find a teacher or School Consular you can trust and talk to then.Fig out a way to get in with gender therapist.. Your young and this best time to fig this out. I can tell from experience its get a whole harder and more complicated the older you get...Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS..

FYI I like your first name ALEX....

[ShawnaLeigh]

Damien I so understand what you are saying.  I've read so many stories here how folks knew at an early age, like age 3 or 4.  I don't remember dang age 10 no less anything prior!  The only reason I started knowing about this in me is from being taken to doctors at around age 11 for what is now called conversion therapy.  Back then it was more a brutal slap in the face sort to speak not something as known to be done today which In my opinion is still barbaric.  This occurred for me for about 5 years before I decided to hide myself.  35 some odd years later I knew for sure.  It was not a phase just part of my over all journey I didn't even know I was on.

 

But I can remember not knowing what it all was and wondering why I was so different inside compared to all my cousins and friends.   Back at your age I did not even know what LBGT was or that transgender was a word no less a thing.  I knew what gay and lesbian were and I never felt like either of those.  I was in a male body and liked girls.  Check.  No issues there.  So why do I feel different? 

I never found my answers hon until I join this forum last October. I had an understanding prior to my mental break down that I had serious tendencies towards feeling female but even then I thought it was nothing more then a strange fetish I was trying to ignore.

It was the mental break that threw me into a whirl wind of what the heck is going on and why do I feel like two people.  I was scared and very confused and admit I put a gun in my mouth one day.  Luckily I didn't do it as I am so happy and free now.

I was told once that if you are even questioning your gender at any level then you are trans.  It makes sense on some level but it does not explain what you are or why, etc.  Its not a phase it is a journey of discovery.  You will not land in the same place as the next guy/girl but we all have a lot on common too. 

This is why I love this place.  It has given me a home to realize I am not alone or the only one dealing with this.  I am not weird or broken.  Neither are you.

 

 

[Emily michelle]

There is no fake trans, and you don’t have to know when you are a kid. I never knew when I was younger, but looking back now I had very feminine tendency. I never knew what transgender was and that wasn’t till later. Then I denied it for a while and that’s what led to my break down. After I was willing to admit it things became a whole lot clearer. I’m much happier now I just wish I would of admitted sooner.

[A. Dillon]

Of course, everyone worries that it isn't real. For me, it doesn't help when both my mom and dad are doing "research" on being trans by looking into reasons I must be a transitioner, with my dad flat out telling me that it must just because I am closer to him than my mom. I can't say for sure anything, all I know is what I feel inside and how this improved my life. You ask yourself, why? That is the main root. Do you just want to not be attractive to guys? Is there some trauma that you don't remember that is influencing your decision? The only way to find out is to follow whatever your mind tells you, and see what happens. I was the same with a gender neutral name, I at first decided to go by Dylan while I was identifying as non-binary. There was this nagging feeling in the back of my head, like what if they think you are female, which most people would from how I dressed. I would wear really tight pants and shirts, even heels some days, because I love fashion and am really good at finding clothes for a body type. I looked great, as a girl, but I would just sit in classes being constantly aware that everyone there could see my chest. It really confused me, if I was non-binary how come I wanted so badly to be seen as male, even as I had never presented as such? I now realize that I was forcing myself to show off curves that I hated just to appear nice to look at, when I could barely stand looking at myself and seeing me, stuck in this shell. That is why I decided on Dillon, exclusively male Dillon, so that no one could mix it up. Even now I have doubts all the time - thank you depression, old friend - but at some point I just have to stop chasing them and live my life how I want to, not how I am supposed to. I have no idea if this really makes sense, I am not a morning person, but I hope it helps.

[KathyLauren]

You definitely don't have to have known since you were a little child.  Most FTMs figure it out when puberty hits, so you are indeed typical.  (MTFs fall into two groups: those who figured it out in childhood and transition young, and those who "play the game" into middle age before figuring it out.)  The idea in the minds of the general public that you are not real unless you knew when you were five is a malicious lie.

[TommieAnne]

Damien, lots of us didn't know, or "knew" and didn't understand. That does not make you invalid. But it does mean the journey may be rougher and bumper for you. At least it has for me.

Without trying to force your identity into a box, I'd suggest you work on finding yourself, talking to a therapist, preferably a gender therapist, and working your way along until you understand what path you want/need to be on. But that's just my opinion. Choices are yours to make.

But I know that for me one day while in therapy a light came on in my head and suddenly it all made sense.

You'll get there young man. Just keep working at it. You can eat an elephant, but it has to be one bite at a time.

TA

[Damien Mcknight]

Thanks everyone

[Willow]

Damien,

 

I agree completely with @TammyAnne.  I had no clue when I was young.   I would look at girls, and be jealous of them.  I wish I was a girl, but certainly never said anything to anyone, I was a boy and that was that.  I fought with that for a long time.  Most of my adult life I thought I was an abomination for feeling and wanting to be more feminine.  Then I would get overly embarrassed and put it out of my mind, only to have it return again.  I finally went to a therapist about being depressed and as we talked about things it came out about my feelings of wishing I was a girl.  To me wishing was not the same as “knowing I was a girl”.  Anyway, my therapist finally told me that I was transgender and always had been.  I argued with him, how did he know?  Well he recounted all the things I had opened up about.  I had to admit, it made sense.  
 

There really isn’t any one way to be transgender.  Not everyone knows early.  Not everyone understands their feelings until someone else points it out.  All to often, parents or spouses deny that you could be trans, it’s just a phase or but all the cis based things you’ve done.  They end up more embarrassed about it for themselves then they do wanting what is best for you.  Try to find a professional to talk to about how you feel.  They should truly know the differences.  Can’t pay?  Try planned parenthood.  They help transgenders. If nothing else they can get you to someone who can.  
 

Willow

[Wes]

Damien, (sick name btw!) 

It's totally normal to have doubts or insecurities about not living up to our own trans expectations. Personally, I find myself wondering how I compare to other trans men so often. Like I said, it's completely normal, but it isn't healthy to dwell on these thoughts. Every trans person is valid, no explanation needed. I'm almost 20 now and I came out as trans for the first time when I was 14. It was a result of these exact thoughts that I shut myself back in the closet and forced myself to be a "normal girl." Luckily, I came out again this past November and I know that it was for the better. I'd rather live this unpredictable and potentially dangerous life (as my mother puts it) as a trans person than as a miserable, suicidal girl. 

[Damien Mcknight]

Thanks everyone, I guess I was just feeling down because I didn’t feel like most trans guys

[Zeda]

For what it's worth, most of the trans men that I personally know didn't really realize they were trans until they were teens. Honestly, maybe you are, maybe you're not. You'll figure it out eventually  Now when you really want to start worrying, is when you get to a point where you have to decide if you are going to start T. That stuff will definitely change you  

[logan :)]

i feel this so hard dude- i didn't show many signs when i was little or even when i started puberty and i doubt myself all the time because of that. and who knows, maybe i am a cis girl, but that just doesn't feel right. you're valid even if you don't fit the stereotypical story- what i've found is that socially transitioning made me happy, and i'm 99% sure medically transitioning will make me even happier. so i guess you just have to figure out what to do to live your best life.

 

i wish you luck