Hi there ...

[johanna]

Hi, I am not certain about my choosen name but for now, I'd like to go with Johanna (what would have been my given name if I was born a girl). For me being a girl was always kind of a thing. Back in my childhood I wondered if I had been operated to look like a boy because I never felt that way - my body never really freaked me out but for many years I felt not really comfortable in it either. I was perceived gay by my stepfather and most of my classmates in HighSchool. There I had a female nickname which I guess was intended to insult me - it never did. I'd like to play with the dolls of my little sister and my female friends, I had a lot of teddys living next to my bed till I was 16 or so and I most likely hated soccer and most of the aggressive ball sports.

 

During puperty and my early adult years thinks changed, my body did when I gained muscles and strength and my selfperception did as well. I still didn't saw me as the average young man around me but being a woman became more and more a hidden thought and (sexual) dream. It was like this for the last 15 years and also I told my wife about it a long time ago it actually never occured to me, that thoose dreams and thoughts I constantly had, this weired depressive mind, and all the other little things which give me a hard time, where trying to tell me something.

 

By end of the last year I woke up with a feeling I hadn't felt a very long time but I instantly knew something had changed. Over the following days and nights all my thoughts were circling around this one feeling: I am a woman.

 

Overwhelmed and somewhat happy about it, I told my wife. I started to read online a lot about being a transgender person, I dove deep into queer and gender theory but after a couple of weeks my wife put it to an end. For her it was way to quick and way to much and here we are now. For the sake of my relation and marriage and for not worrying the kids (5 + 8y) I were slowing down a lot. For me however, it felt like a long silent path in the mountains, finally opend up to a panoramic view.

 

I started to see a specialized therapist and slowly making progress of establishing feminity for myself. But of course more and more questions occuring and because I'd like to speak about them I signed up for this forum.

 

Thank you very much for reading,

Johanna

 

 

[Maid In Bedlam]

Hallo aus Großbritannien und darüber hinaus. Schön, dass Sie uns gefunden haben

 

 

I hope you find what your looking for.

 

 

Theres others with the same story as you. This forum i hope will show you your not alone in this world.

[ShawnaLeigh]

3 hours ago, johanna said:

There I had a female nickname which I guess was intended to insult me

This was the case for me at one of my jobs.  My Initials being SAL as a male became a nice name for me as it is how we had to sign in and out for computer work, etc.  A lot of my coworkers started calling me Sally or Sally-boy.  Sal was always and nice name for me my whole life.

I almost chose Sally as my new name just to spite them all but I never minded being called a female name or nickname at all.  LOL

BTW.

Welcome to TP!!!

 

3 hours ago, johanna said:

Overwhelmed and somewhat happy about it, I told my wife. I started to read online a lot about being a transgender person, I dove deep into queer and gender theory but after a couple of weeks my wife put it to an end. For her it was way to quick and way to much and here we are now. For the sake of my relation and marriage and for not worrying the kids (5 + 8y) I were slowing down a lot. For me however, it felt like a long silent path in the mountains, finally opend up to a panoramic view.

Yes I get you here too.

I am always a person who jumps in feet first without looking and going way overboard on anything that I have extreme interest in.  

My wife was not ok with it but supportive all the same.  She constant asked/told me to slow down.  Its tough for me but I agreed.  But it was torturous for me to do so.  

 

I simply love your last line here.  It is so how it feels isn't it.  The work and struggle to climb out of your shell and then you see it.  That beautiful world you want to be apart of as your true self.

 

Its was a beautiful line..

[TommieAnne]

Hello and welcome Johanna. I hope you will ask questions and find answers here. I can appreciate your situation with the female nickname, since I also had one that really bothered me for years. But my nickname was formed out of my given name and is vulgar slang for a female body part.

The awakening to realize yourself as a female is something several of us share here.

TA

[johanna]

Thank you all for your warm welcome. It feels good to be here. Currently my head feels like blasting and I am somewhat stuck in my wish to go further in my transition and the sloopy way I have to handle this with regard of my family. I know that eveything takes time and I am certain that at some point I'll be better off - but for now...

 

I am glad that I still can ride my bicyle of into the woods for some hours of solitude. Something I do like forever, to think or just to be.

 

Keep care of yourself, especially in these crazy days.

 

Johanna

[Jani]

Welcome Johanna.  I agree with your wife that things can go too fast.  Take your time to absorb what you are considering and talk with a counselor as you can.  Once you start on this journey things can appear to take on their own life and move very quickly.  Its important to only move as far and fast as you need.  This goes for your spouse too.  She is involved whether she wants to be or not.  

 

Please join in the conversation and post any questions you may have.  We'll do our best to reply.

 

Cheers, Jani