Hola! Pleased to meet you!

[Atshorlus]

Hey there, Name's Ali.

 

31 Trans girl, in the Midwest. I came out last year after struggling with hiding it for years and denying it for longer.  Honestly, I kind of figured it out 2011, but it was way too scary to accept at the time. Since then I got married had kids, went to grad school, hoping the anxiety would go away. Last summer my wife asked me if I was trans, and I kind of lightly denied it...and then it was like...yes I am. She told me she had figured it out like in 2015 but didn't want to rob me of the discovery. Didn't stop her from leaving me in the cold and finally asked for a divorce in the fall. I kind of had a meltdown this fall/winter and I feel like I'm finally getting out of it. I recently started hrt (I'm about on week 3) and I've gotten back into doing art, and in a more honest way too! I'm still wrestling with some aggressive dysphoria from time to time, but I've doing a lot of singing and being nice to myself for once. I've been trying to reach out to other trans folks to kind of feel like I belong SOMEWHERE but it's been incredibly frustrating! Im hoping this community will be a bit more of a supportive one than others I've been in the past.

I'll attach an art piece I did at the height of my winter meltdown. 

 

Anyway, I looking forward to chatting with you all!

[Maid In Bedlam]

Hello Ali Welcome to the forum.

 

4 hours ago, Atshorlus said:

being nice to myself for once. I've been trying to reach out

 

Being nice to yourself is a great way to be. Reminds me of that song by the staple singers

 

Quote

If you don't respect yourself Ain't nobody gonna give a good cahoot, na na na na

 

I hope you find what you seek here.

 

Look forwald to seeing your input and it would seem artistic impression

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Ali.  It's lovely to meet you.  I'm very sorry to hear about your marriage.  Too many end that way, and as many times as I've heard it, it still makes me very sad.  I hope that you find what you are looking for here, and participate as much as possible.  That's the best way to learn.

 

You art is amazing, and I am very impressed.  It is also just a bit disturbing ?.  I'd love to hear about what it means.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Hello Ali and welcome.  I'm sorry to hear about your marriage, especially since your spouse seemed to see the real you so long ago.  I'm glad you are feeling (a little) better now and hopefully life is getting to a point of normalcy for you.  Starting HRT may help your mental state as it does seem to allow for some calming effects.  Getting back to your art is great.  My mother has suggested that I do the same as its been a long time since I did any painting, drawing, or sculpting.  I told her I would pull out my drawing pad and pencils, but I haven't done it yet.  I should.  Your art work is very  emotive and I hope you were able to exorcise those demons.  

 

Please join in the conversation and post your own questions as the need arises.  We'd love to hear from you.

 

Jani

[Atshorlus]

2 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

You art is amazing, and I am very impressed.  It is also just a bit disturbing ?.  I'd love to hear about what it means

The drawing was part of a two piece drawing of bipolar disorder. My wife and best friend struggle with it, so I wanted to create a piece that would help people who dont have it see what it is like. I read that dysphoria manifested in similar ways,  and being i was in such a high state of anxiety and self-loathing, I figured I'd channel it into the drawing. When you're in a manic episode it's really hard to determine your mental state because the emotions all meld together and happen so fast. There's even a level of awareness of your behavior at times and you're powerless to stop it because the compulsion is SO strong, so there's a level of shame and disgust that help further feed the flames.

 

8 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

If you don't respect yourself Ain't nobody gonna give a good cahoot, na na na na

Hahaha I haven't heard that one! But I'll admit it was an anime character (the one im using as a profile pic) that kind of made me realize that, and made me proud to be who I am at least for a short while. To see a trans person be so confident and using their status to influence both cisgender men and women with their unique perspective was really something to see! 

 

1 hour ago, Jani said:

My mother has suggested that I do the same as its been a long time since I did any painting, drawing, or sculpting.  I told her I would pull out my drawing pad and pencils, but I haven't done it yet.  I should.  Your art work is very  emotive and I hope you were able to exorcise those demons.  

I highly recommend it! Even if what you make ends up not being great the act of creating is so soothing...and in general the thrill of completing something in itself is satisfying. I'm pretty blissful when I do!

[TommieAnne]

Hello and welcome Ali!

Glad to see another art maker among the crowd!

Your art - wow! Powerful stuff.

Mine is far more repressed.

So happy (and jealous) to hear you'very started HRT.

TA

[Zeda]

Wow :0

I'll say to you what my highschool said in giant letters for a full week to a group of foreign exchange students: Weclome!

 

Personal Questions (you definitely don't have to answer): How are your spouse and kids handling things now? Have tensions cooled a little, now that it has been a few months? I'd imagine that the kids are young enough that you'd at least be known as Mom (or Mom 2 :P).

 

Also, 2011 is one of my important years, too

 

[ToniTone]

Hello Ali and welcome! This place is very supportive and full of friendly people. Glad you are here with us ?

 

Thank you for sharing your art! It's beautiful and moody. 

 

~Toni

[Atshorlus]

1 hour ago, Zeda said:

How are your spouse and kids handling things now? Have tensions cooled a little, now that it has been a few months? I'd imagine that the kids are young enough that you'd at least be known as Mom (or Mom 2 :P).

Spouse: She's at the least come to terms with things, she's definitely a toss up on being supportive. She's definitely a lot less angry now, but I'm always kind of waiting for it to come back. It's weird how much our attraction and affection toward each other just evaporated!

Kids: the kids seem alright with it, my 6yr when I told her, she was like "I was starting to think like "wow she is acting a lot like a girl lately!" My kids have always mixed up mom and dad for both parents...I assume because our house's gender roles were pretty blended (mom was the type to do woodwork and hunting, I'd cook, clean and take care of the kids)

[Zeda]

8 hours ago, Atshorlus said:

Spouse: She's at the least come to terms with things, she's definitely a toss up on being supportive. She's definitely a lot less angry now, but I'm always kind of waiting for it to come back. It's weird how much our attraction and affection toward each other just evaporated!

Kids: the kids seem alright with it, my 6yr when I told her, she was like "I was starting to think like "wow she is acting a lot like a girl lately!" My kids have always mixed up mom and dad for both parents...I assume because our house's gender roles were pretty blended (mom was the type to do woodwork and hunting, I'd cook, clean and take care of the kids)

Oh that is pretty cool, thanks for sharing ^~^

[Emily michelle]

Hi Ali welcome your painting is very good your an excellent artist. I’m also from the Midwest. I have recently come out to my wife and sister, I don’t have any kids yet. It’s kind of scary what the dysphoria will do to someone, apparently I’ve had some form of it for years I just didn’t know or wasn’t willing to admit it. It’s has only been a couple of months since I broke down and admitted it. Glad you are here.

[Atshorlus]

1 hour ago, Emily michelle said:

It’s kind of scary what the dysphoria will do to someone, apparently I’ve had some form of it for years I just didn’t know or wasn’t willing to admit it. It’s has only been a couple of months since I broke down and admitted it.

Yeah, dysphoria has been an underlying theme in my artwork for years! And it's only now that I look back on a lot of that it's like "Ooooooh! That's what that was!" The last few years a very obvious resentment of beauty has appeared in my work (especially what I'm working on now). But it's weird that something so impactful could fly under your radar. Just this morning I looked in the mirror and got super bummed out.... And that's just kind of been my day.

[Emily michelle]

You do very good work. I think dysphoria went on unnoticed for so long was because I wasn’t willing to admit that I was transgender. I get that feeling quite a bit when I look in the mirror and realize I look like a dude.

[Atshorlus]

Same same, denial is a big factor and coming to terms with things...and mirrors... That i look in the mirror on some days I look a girl and some super boyish, makes me feel like I've just lost my mind or something. Or maybe that I'll never actually look feminine (I mean even though I know generally I am pretty feminine already) and I'm just screwing over my future self or something. Why cant there just be a button to change teams! ?

[Emily michelle]

Yes the mirror can be your best friend and worst enemy all at once. It’s funny how feminine I actually am I just kept it hid for so long. Hmm a button to change teams I’d love that?