Approachability: A Very Nice & Unexpected Change

[Susan R]

I have been exercising regularly for years and more so ever since starting my transition in 2018.  I went on long 3 mile walks during the first year and the last 6 months I had been working out at our YMCA...that is until this pandemic isolation started.  This last month, I had to start up on the long walks again so I could burn off those calories and keep my girly figure.  In doing so, I have really noticed a significant change walking around our neighborhood.  People overall seem to be so much friendlier.  Part of it is the pandemic, for sure, but not all of it.
 

One of the benefits (or detriments, depending on your taste) I read about are how the opposite gender gives you wanted or unwanted attention.  For me though, one of the most unexpected things I enjoy now more than ever are how women of all ages are so friendly toward me.  I had never experienced this kind of approachability during my lifetime.

 

Yesterday for instance, I was doing my ‘now regular’ 3 mile walk.  I had these two young ladies who were out walking ask me the quickest way to the main road from where we were.  I told them about a shortcut but then we all struck up a very nice conversation.  They were so nice and didn’t seem to be worried or uncomfortable with me in any way.  In fact, a few years ago as a guy, they would have likely stayed on their side of the street and not asked directions at all.

 

Again today on my walk, I passed a couple of teenage girls and said hi on my way past them. They both smiled and I continued on my way. About an hour later on my way back, I see them again, they rushed up to me and asked if I wanted one of their popsicles.  I had to say, no but thank you..I’m watching my weight but they look delicious”.  I mention this only because this wouldn’t have happened in million years prior to my transition.  I’m now seemingly a very approachable woman..my aura or something has completely changed.

 

Then right before deciding to write this post, I was outside talking to a neighbor lady friend of mine.  Within 10 mins of standing outside talking with her, I had five ladies join us.  We were all standing around a spot on the sidewalk (yes, we were about 6 feet from each other) chatting and talking about the latest news and life changes we were all experiencing.  It was a wonderful feeling to be accepted as just one of the girls in the neighborhood.  It’s still very novel to me.

Are other MtF members here experiencing a similar change in their improved approachability around women? Have any of the FtM members felt the opposite change around women because of their now male presentation?

 

These developments have been another unexpected but welcome change for me. I never realized how much my previous male persona kept people (especially women) from approaching.

 

Susan R?

[Emily michelle]

Well I can’t say I’m very approachable yet because I definitely can’t pass. But when I do go out I find I’m more talkative after I get over my shyness. I never really was very comfortable around a lot of guys and having guy talk.

[Jani]

Unfortunately I don't live in that type of environment seeing as I am in a rural setting on a street that dead ends into the woods.  But I do find it easier to strike up conversations when out (when I used to go out!) and people would walk up and start talking to me.  So yes, we do tend to be more approachable as women.  What a wonderful gift! 

[Jackie C.]

Very much so. I often find myself just chatting with random strangers after my transition. Some of them have become friends. It's been a lovely change from "looming male" to "tall, dorky white girl."

 

Hugs!

[KymmieL]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 "tall, dorky white girl."

 

Hugs!

 

Hey I thought that was me. LOL.

 

I haven't noticed anything like that. then again I am still mostly presenting as male. I really need to get our and work on my weight. I just need to break out my skates and roll my way to fitness. In my younger years I went skating weekly. Since, 1: they closed the rink here in town. 2: I much prefer a wooden skate floor. I don't go any more.

 

Kymmie

 

[Jackie C.]

I have evidence. I'm the one in the back.

 

Tall, dorky, white girl... and friends.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

LOL OMG Jackie you still kill me at times.  LOL

 

Yes I too have noticed a huge change in how women treat me and talk to me now tha I am full time.  I have always had a decent presence around women and never felt I put any of them off by no means but they weren't acting "like my friends" either.  All the women in the two hospitals I work are so friendly now its weird.  I enjoy being treated like just one of the girls and getting involved in "their" conversations now.  They say things to me that I am sure they would not of as a male. 

I have also been shocked to find most women can be quite crude and risky about the things they discuss right out in the open with just other females.  Its done jokingly with other women of course, and I will not give examples because its beyond PG-13 rated stuff, but it has been stuff that has made me blush big time.  I have lived in a male maintenance guy world for over 30 years.  I've heard and even said crude.  But OMG these ladies can make a girl blush.  LOL

 

I am still finding a few women who do not know I am trans too in these types of conversations which of course is a bench mark of passing success for me.  Fooling a guy is easy.  Having women not know standing and talking with me is another ball of wax all together.

Yes pat-pat-pat on my own back.  LOL

 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I am still finding a few women who do not know I am trans too in these types of conversations which of course is a bench mark of passing success for me.

I used to wonder about this too.  Were they seeing me as trans and trying to be super nice or did they just see me as another girl? I can’t really say for sure every time but most times I think the latter.  The very first time I knew for sure was at the gym.  I was stretching out before starting my workout at the YMCA on this raised 10ft. square stretching pad. A woman comes and starts stretching next to me. I was doing a popular stretch used to stretch out a persons inner thigh muscle but also used by women to stretched their pelvic floor muscles (Kegel Exercises). The lady next to me starts up a conversation about how the exercise I’m doing was her favorite exercise during and after her pregnancy. Then proceeded to go into graphic details about her pregnancy. I knew at that point, she had no idea I was trans. Since that time, I have had many instances where it was obvious they had no idea.  When I use the ladies sauna at the gym half the women wear swimsuits (like me), some keep on just a towel, and the rest are in nothing but their birthday suit.  I’ve had dozens of conversations with these women and I figure they would not strike up a conversation with me if they felt I was not female. When I first started using the sauna last year, it was a bit scary until I realized they just accepted me as me.

 

Susan R?

 

[Susan R]

37 minutes ago, Suzanne1 said:

Very interesting thread.  It never occurred to me that folks would find "approachability" so reinforcing, especially during a pandemic. ?

Yes, it’s very important to me...pandemic or not.  We do keep our distance but the communication within our neighborhood has increased substantially since the lockdown started.  Technically, you are supposed to be out exercising if you’re outside or on your way to a doctor, grocery store, or any other essential service but people are communicating and reaching out any way they can.

[Jani]

1 hour ago, Suzanne1 said:

It never occurred to me that folks would find "approachability" so reinforcing, especially during a pandemic.

You totally missed the point. This is not a conversation about approachability in the current pandemic environment but approachability in general as a person out in the world.  

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Susan R said:

Were they seeing me as trans and trying to be super nice or did they just see me as another girl?

At first I had no idea either as I was under the assumption "everyone" knew about my transition in the hospital.  EVERYONE I have run into has been so nice and accepting and it seems everyone knows my name as Shawna that I just felt they were being nice.  Which is fine by me..  Apparently not everyone as I have had folks come to me later in the day to tell me that had no idea it was when they were talking with "the new girl".

 

1 hour ago, Susan R said:

The lady next to me starts up a conversation about how the exercise I’m doing was her favorite exercise during and after her pregnancy. Then proceeded to go into graphic details about her pregnancy. I knew at that point, she had no idea I was trans.

Yes this is sort of the stuff I mention above that made me blush a bit.  Very open and graphic discussions about things a male would of never hear out of a women mouth. 

As shocking as it was it did make me feel acceptance for being female.  

[Maddee]

I'm happy for you Susan R to experience this and sharing it here like you did.  I'm looking for hope.

Transitioning slowly.

I kind of believe there is something inherently unapproachable in me.  There is no other explanation for my reverse magnetism.  It could be due to the fact  I am full of hate.   Like my matrix program for this life excludes me from many things that allow people to connect, like folks do on this forum.  It has stunted my life and attempts to transition and to  live.  I can't even watch TV without pain, so it's probably me that's pushing everyone away

It's a problem that I must deal with in order to survive in any good way.  I'm blown away and discouraged when I read people's stories and the progress they make integrating, etc. 

 

Tired of life passing me by.  It's not just the hormones, it's something inside people that makes them include-able in groups and families.  I have never had any idea how to do this.  Counseling can't help me and I've tried many times.

 

Hoping it will change for me too. 

[Jani]

@Ms Maddie I think approachabilty has a lot to do with allowing yourself to be vulnerable.  I was never close to many people before I transitioned, typical loner despite being married.  While you may have past life experiences that have not been pleasant please try to put them in the rear view mirror.  Let them go.  Yes there are quite a few negative people in the world and they seem to grab all the headlines, while nice people just go about their lives.  There's nothing especially difficult about it, smile and treat others as you would like to be treated.  Try to let the anger go; it serves no purpose other than to segregate you from others.  Being vulnerable doesn't mean weakness.  It means allowing yourself to be changed by another person and to be actively involved in living as a caring person. 

 

I'm surprised you wrote that you're full of hate, as all that I've seen of you has been the person I believe you wish others to see you as; an approachable person.   You can change and I think you have.  Believe it.  

 

Hugs, Jani 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Jani said:

 I think approachabilty has a lot to do with allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

IMHO...Jani mentions possibly one of the key ingredients in being approachable.  People don’t like taking chances or putting themselves in a bad situation. If you feel anger, resentment, envy or any other negativity people will avoid you.  This negativity is emitted indirectly and involuntarily through nonverbal communication and/or visual communication with others.  It’s similar to walking in a room when two people are arguing and then stop when you open the door to that room.  Even if you didn’t hear words being spoken, you can still ‘feel’ the anger or tenseness in the room even when their appears to be complete normalcy.

Many people I have been friends with for years have said I’m less edgy now and that I seem to be much happier than my pre-transition self.  This also probably plays a role in how new people I meet initially perceive me.  As a woman, I appear much more vulnerable but others probably feel that I am much happier inside by the way I respond and interact with them. So Jani seems to be right on the money.

 

Susan R?

 

[Maddee]

Thanks Jani and Susan I should playback your responses in a repeated loop in my mind. Especially about vulnerability and what that is. I don't quite get it, even though you spelled it out.  

 

People almost always get quiet when I enter a room.   Maybe they were arguing.

 

I get the negative feelings/body cues thing. Many people have an imperative to protect themselves from negative things. 

 

I have changed and hopefully things will be opening up. 

That is a sentiment most of the world can relate to.
 

[Lexi C]

Hey Ms.Maddie Jani and Susan are right. You have always been positive in your responds to me.

Susan I never realized it until you mention it. However, I kinda of shy and barely talk to anyone unless they start, but yes much more comfortable talkong to cis wm now then before. 

[Susan R]

18 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

 

Thanks Jani and Susan I should playback your responses in a repeated loop in my mind. Especially about vulnerability and what that is. I don't quite get it, even though you spelled it out.

To explain further...

To be able to ‘feel’ is to be vulnerable. Women, in a generalized sense, seem to be more naturally inclined to ‘feelings’ than men.  Saying vulnerability is weakness is like saying that feeling is a weakness.  I don’t think that’s true. Feeling gives to us our emotional life...it gives us all purpose and meaning to living. These expressions of feelings also make us appear more approachable to others. Men try to suppress their feelings more, thus they appear less approachable. Add anger to that and you won’t get many trying to start off a conversation any time soon.  I’m not sure if that clarifies what I believe Jani meant by vulnerability but this is how I perceived it.

 

15 hours ago, Alex C said:

I kinda of shy and barely talk to anyone unless they start, but yes much more comfortable talkong to cis wm now then before.

That’s great, Alex.  Approachability in my original context is not necessarily about how you are able to approach others but rather the propensity of others in approaching you.   As a male introvert, you will likely see fewer people approaching you to try to converse.  As a female introvert, this may not be the case as you yourself have noticed.

 

Susan R?

[Jani]

14 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

I get the negative feelings/body cues thing. Many people have an imperative to protect themselves from negative things. 

 

You are correct that we all try to protect ourselves from negativity as it can hurt in many ways.  I think the key item to focus on is to remember our feelings are like a filter and we must be careful to not close it off too tightly.  We must allow positive thoughts and actions through.  When we hurt we shut off all of this because we become numb and have a hard time discerning the good things that can help us.  Open up a little at a time as not all experiences and people are bad or out to hurt us.  Allow some vulnerability, to let yourself be cared for.  I've seen you offer this many times Maddie so I know you can accept it in return.   I'm sorry if I've rambled too much.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Maddee]

Thank you helpful rambler

I'm making my way through exercises in a C-PTSD workbook a counselor gave me a couple years ago.  Couldn't accept it before, and still not sure how pertinent. 

Hope it helps me.

[Sally Stone]

Susan, I can really relate to this thread, but in a little different way.  Before I came out, I was quite shy and reserved, and I think people could sense that about me, consequently, I went through life without much impromptu social interaction.  I could walk through a mall or crowded space and remain practically invisible.  Now, as a very social part-time woman, I am approached often by strangers.  Occasionally, they are curious, but mostly, they are just conversations about regular stuff, and mostly, I find these interactions occurring with other women.  I realize that my female persona is more approachable than my old male persona was, and when my feminine side learned how to be sociable, she taught my male side how to be sociable as well.  Now I find that when I'm presenting in either persona, there is a lot more social interaction.

 

Ultimately, I believe that getting the chance to express my feminine side has had a positive impact on other's perceptions of me.  Maybe they can actually see how happy and content I am in my feminine skin and perhaps that makes me more approachable.  Whatever is happening, the effect is real.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

[Susan R]

On 4/11/2020 at 6:08 AM, Sally Stone said:

I realize that my female persona is more approachable than my old male persona was, and when my feminine side learned how to be sociable, she taught my male side how to be sociable as well.  Now I find that when I'm presenting in either persona, there is a lot more social interaction.

Im not sure how I missed this very insightful post but better late than never.  This is very interesting to me.  I wonder now if after living truly full time 11 months now if I would be changed in the same way.  Hypothetically, if I went back to a male presentation for a day would it affect me in this same way.  I think it might. It’s an intriguing thought.

There was a time in my past where I presented both male and female like yourself.  When presenting female, I was mainly at home, homes of other trans folks, safe LGBTQ friendly locations like Capital Hill and Broadway here in Seattle so I had very little interaction with a heavily cis learning general public.  I did seem to be more outgoing during that time when presenting male but I assumed it was because I was able to keep my gender identity crisis or dysphoria at bay.  Maybe, like you say, my very gregarious female persona was helping in more ways than I thought.

 

Thanks for this wonderful insight, Sally. I think for Halloween (assuming the pandemic is over) I might have to revisit my male persona for one evening event...or not.?

 

Susan R?

[Sally Stone]

Susan,

 

I love your Halloween idea.  What an interesting twist on gender presentation.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

[Jani]

50 minutes ago, Susan R said:

I think for Halloween (assuming the pandemic is over) I might have to revisit my male persona for one evening event...or not.?

Going out as a facsimile of your former self?  Wouldn't that be an ironic twist after all those years of hiding.  

[Susan R]

48 minutes ago, Jani said:

Going out as a facsimile of your former self?  Wouldn't that be an ironic twist after all those years of hiding.  

My wife says, “Not on your life”.  Hey, it was a thought. LOL

 

I wanted to add...her statement alone is very ironic when I think back to coming clean with her in 2018 about my being female inside.  I never thought she’d be so accepting that she wouldn’t want me to be her husband for an evening.  Change is good.

[Jani]

I know I couldn't do it!