Hi from Westchester, New York, COVID-19 central.

[GraceH]

Yes, I have had it and recovered from it and so has my
partner.  There are some subtle things about it which you
might learn from an interview with Chris Cuomo, a newsperson
from CNN.  He is the governor's brother.  He did an
interview from his basement a couple of days ago because he
has it and it's a pretty informative interview, if you
listen between the lines.  Feel free to ask about it.  Cuomo
has a later interview where he talks about how to survive
it. 

 

This note is long, so here is the summary: I'm aging out of
my male hormones and I am mentally changing rapidly right
now.  I am not in any great need.  You can skip the rest,
but I hope it's somehow entertaining or meaningful to you.

 

I've known since I was about 30 that I am queer somehow,
although we wouldn't have used that term at that time.  I
think I had the biggest confirmation when I read a
childhood development book after my daughter was born and I
learned that children from age 0-5 have a fairly high level
of sex hormones which customize their brain for their gender
role in life.  I'm reading though the typical things
and thinking, "Yup, I've got all the boy stuff.  Oh.  And
I've got much of the girl stuff too."

 

I can relate to women the way women relate to each other and
I have all the empathy.  Men seem very block-headed to me
and most don't enjoy the company of women the way I do.

 

From age 48 to 58, I could feel the effect of my hormones
declining and it seemed like a fairly obvious decline in
general energy and libido and everything you'd expect.
Except for me there was a certain tipping point when all of
a sudden, a whole bunch of maleness went away and the other
part of me feels much more prominent.  I've been coming out
to friends for about a year primarily because I have a much
more intense need for female friendships and this motivates
me to really figure out what is going on.  My freedom of
emotions just keeps releasing and releasing.

 

Then, more recently, I've felt this even more strongly; that
I was imprisoned in behaviors and mindset dictated by those
male hormones and I'm really very different now.  And I very
much embrace it and want to distance myself from those
typical male things.

 

The above is not the major trauma of my life.  I was abused
by my step-father, not sexually, but emotionally.  I got out
of that house when I could and have never lived at home
since I left for college in 1980.  I felt suicidal when I
was trapped in that home.  I dealt with this stuff when I was
30 and that was the most painful thing in my life.  More so
than my divorce after 23 years of marriage.

 

It's funny how we keep learning about ourselves.  Who would
have thought that I would learn something about my abuse
situation at 57, so long after it happened.  I was sitting
at lunch with people from work.  Some of the younger men
were talking about bullying at camp.  North-East U.S. has a
tradition of sending kids to sleep away camp for an extended
period of time in the summer.  Most remember it as some of
the best times of their lives.  Anyway, these guys were
talking about being bullied by the older kids when they were
younger and then bullying kids when they were older.  OK,
men/boys are a bit alien to me and I could never understand
how they could be so brutal to others when all I can feel is
what the other person is feeling, so participating in
bullying would be really alien to me.  But then I wondered.
"I was never bullied.  I wonder how I was never, ever
bullied.  How did I avoid that?"

 

Then, about 24 hours later, the penny dropped in my mind.
"Oh."  "I was bullied by a parent.  No wonder my peers could
never get under my skin.  They were just amateurs."

 

I was telling this story to my half-brother last Sunday.
We've never talked about this stuff, but I think he despises
his father more than I do.  I said, "Something funny, and
this might send you for a loop, but I learned something
about myself after all these years."  Then I told him the
above story about lunch/camp/bullying.  As I'm saying, "the
penny dropped in my mind."  He starts saying: "It's like in
Blue Velvet" (the movie, 1986 Peter Lynch).  The main
character (Jeffrey), a callow high school youth played by
Kyle MacLachlan, encounters a psychopath played by Dennis
Hopper.  It's a really scary movie.

 

Anyway, my brother says: "It's like in Blue Velvet, after
Jeffry gets threatened by Dennis Hopper, he's really scared.
Later in the movie, he's being chased by a bunch of high
school bullies and he stops and thinks, 'Oh, these guys just
aren't that scary.'"  Because he's been threatened by the
real thing.  And the high-schoolers just aren't worthy of
the fear.

 

This is relevant to my queerness because I was so shut down
by the abuse.  Even after dealing with it, it took half a
lifetime for my emotions to ... well they are still healing.

Being more female, feeling my emotions, it's all part of the
journey I want to be on.  So far, it's all about what's
going on inside.  To me, it feels like being let out of
prison.  It sounds like it might be a choice for me, but I'm
not going to chose to go back into prison.

 

Thank you for letting me join this forum.  I'm so much
calmer after joining and posting a few things.  I wasn't in
any great need, but this really does help me.

 

Joe

 

P.S. I want to post links to a bunch of fiction I've been
reading the last two months.  There is some very nice YA
transgender girl fiction out.

 

Edited April 8, 2020 by Carolyn Marie
Advice on taking meds to for COVID 19 removed, per Rule #14. We can't allow medical advice like that.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Joe.  It's great that you beat the virus and are now in good shape.  Thank you for your very interesting life story.  I'm glad that reading other posts and writing some of your own has been beneficial.  That's what we strive for.  I look forward to hearing more from you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Hi!  I'm glad you made it through all right.  Thanks for sharing.

 

Jani

[Lexi C]

Hey SIF. 

Got your safe and your partner as well. Great story. Keep sharing this a wonderful place for it. Stay safe