An... unconventional way of looking at things

[Benway]

A bit of a long-winded post, but here goes, just please bear with me...

 

So when I was in high school, someone I knew told me it seemed like I was trans. I'd never really thought about it much, but I agreed with him. Over the course of that summer I gradually began to put together a plan to begin transitioning as soon as I could. That was 2005, I graduated high school in 2006 and stopped thinking about being transgender for a very, very long time. 

 

The years went by and I gradually found myself behaving in the manner of a gay man. It took me until 2016 to have any sort of relationship (in this case, a passing fling) with another man because of my self-hatred of my own sexuality. I want to note, I am not a religious person, nor was I raised by a bigot. I hate myself all on my own, there's no religious reason for it there.

 

One day about ten months ago, I woke up and had this weird realization that my life would have made so much more sense had I been born a girl. And for the last ten months, I've been thinking about it on and off, how much I would have preferred to have been a girl. I don't know if this makes me trans, or if it makes me an Ed Gein type where I just think I'm trans. 

 

I don't think I could ever transition, not at my age. I know people of all ages transition, but I think I should have struck while the iron was hot back in 2005-6 and focused on it then. I don't really have dysphoria or anything like that. I do like to wear women's clothing from time to time but it's purely for my own gratification. So I don't know.

 

...sorry if I offended anybody. I don't know all the proper lingo and etiquette when it comes to this, I just have an unconventional way of looking at things. 

[Jani]

Hello Benway.  Welcome.  I moved your post to Introductions where I think it will get more views.  

 

Thank you for sharing your story.  Its never too late to become happy and no I don't think you've offended anyone.  Please join in.

 

Cheers, Jani

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Benway said:

I don't think I could ever transition, not at my age. I know people of all ages transition, but I think I should have struck while the iron was hot back in 2005-6 and focused on it then. I don't really have dysphoria or anything like that. I do like to wear women's clothing from time to time but it's purely for my own gratification. So I don't know.

Hello Benway, welcome to the forum. It’s nice to have you join us and telling us a little about your journey thus far. The whole transition thing is a bit of a process. There’s a lot of mental processing especially at the beginning.  Right now you are comfortable in your body (thus no dysphoria) so there is no reason to medically change it would seem.

 

My question for you is—What is it that you feel needs changing to rid yourself of this “self-hatred” you mention? Can you be happy with being a casual crossdresser who is gay?  There are likely many individuals out there who find this fulfilling or at least live life without hating themselves. Where is this self hatred coming from specifically?  You don’t need to answer here, of course...I’m asking for your self reflection mainly.

 

If it’s your belief you are doing wrong somehow due to societal indoctrination and propaganda then you may want to do some further research or at least get some gender identity counseling to better understand it. You are a person and have desires like us all. Your desires may not be identical to each of us but they are just as valid and true.

 

Anyways, I can appreciate your reaching out and know how hard it can be revealing a part of yourself. Just know you are not alone.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Emily michelle]

Welcome Benway. I had wished I was born a girl many times. You should seek a gender therapist and talk with them about your feelings. You should not have to feel self hatred about yourself. There is nothing wrong with being transgender nor is there anything wrong with being a cross dresser you have to do what ultimately makes you happy.

[Benway]

4 hours ago, Susan R said:

Hello Benway, welcome to the forum. It’s nice to have you join us and telling us a little about your journey thus far. The whole transition thing is a bit of a process. There’s a lot of mental processing especially at the beginning.  Right now you are comfortable in your body (thus no dysphoria) so there is no reason to medically change it would seem.

 

My question for you is—What is it that you feel needs changing to rid yourself of this “self-hatred” you mention? Can you be happy with being a casual crossdresser who is gay?  There are likely many individuals out there who find this fulfilling or at least live life without hating themselves. Where is this self hatred coming from specifically?  You don’t need to answer here, of course...I’m asking for your self reflection mainly.

 

If it’s your belief you are doing wrong somehow due to societal indoctrination and propaganda then you may want to do some further research or at least get some gender identity counseling to better understand it. You are a person and have desires like us all. Your desires may not be identical to each of us but they are just as valid and true.

 

Anyways, I can appreciate your reaching out and know how hard it can be revealing a part of yourself. Just know you are not alone.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Remember the person who I said thought I was trans? He's a source of great pain for me. He's also a homosexual. I never explored my sexuality before I met him (I never had intercourse with him) but he put all these ideas in my head and they were new and exciting at the time and now that I'm older I wish that those doors had remained shut. But he became my worst enemy and it KILLS me knowing that I share a sexual orientation with this person, who, had I never met him, I might not even be aware that I'm a homosexual at all and could have a normal life with a family by now. It makes me sad, because I know it'll never happen. I resent homosexuality as a whole (despite the fact that I'm homosexual) and want it to be taken out of me. I know that sounds really weird, but I'm not one of these newfangled homosexuals born marching in a gay pride parade. One of the therapists I saw specialized in LGBT and was a gay man, and he said that in my case, just in my particular case, being gay was a fetish. And I really agree with him on that. So the question I'm always trying to figure out the answer to is: "How do I get rid of a fetish?" Forgive my abrasive nature but you have to believe me because this is all true. Most people say I'm lying when I tell these stories because they simply can't accept that there's someone who's unhappy being gay.

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Benway said:

I'm older I wish that those doors had remained shut. But he became my worst enemy and it KILLS me knowing that I share a sexual orientation with this person, who, had I never met him, I might not even be aware that

Hello Benway, I hate to inform you but this person is not likely the reason you are gay. You can blame him every day but in the end it will only reopen the wound. The wound I’m referring to is your belief that his bringing up this topic is the sole reason you are who you are.

 

2 hours ago, Benway said:

I resent homosexuality as a whole (despite the fact that I'm homosexual) and want it to be taken out of me.

I am sorry you feel this way and I can’t assist you in changing your sexuality. I’m a bisexual trans woman and I’m not necessarily proud or unhappy.  I’m simply who I am.  I can’t change who I am inside and will not ever try to again. I spent the better part of 56 years trying to change the inner me and it just can’t be done.  Acceptance of yourself is the first step to healing. No one forced this on you. It’s not a disease that spreads on contact. This information would have likely made its way to you at some other point during your life.  It is up to you, what you do with that information. It’s called free will.

 

I wish you luck. You’re on a very difficult path with many potholes. I hope you find your way home.  It’s a long road my friend.

 

Susan R?

[Traci Lynn]

Hi Benway,

Its understandable to self hate and sabatoge yourself. Its easier to cast blame at society, or in this case an individual rather than face up to your own fears, your own choices. I get all that, in fact my old yahoo email address was ndenial. I was unhappy for so long, until I finally admitted to myself that it was me who made these choices. I was never gay, I was bisexual and prefered women for relationships. Now who is fooling who, obviously I am gay but its amazing the symantics you can claim isnt it. Happily now I am transitioning, I finally know who I am, the point being you have to decide who you are and accept yourself. Whether that person is gay, hetrosexual, a man, a woman, gender nonconforming the choice as always will be yours. I hope you find your path and can be happy with whoever you choose to be.

Hugs Traci Lynn

[TommieAnne]

Ben way welcome aboard!

I'm not certain it's possible for another person to "make" you gay. Seeds don't sprout and grow when planted on bare rock, only when planted in fertile soil.

Like you, I wish I had transitioned back when I would have made an attractive woman instead of waiting until I was 70 years old.

I spent years hating and fearing my sexuality, hiding and running from my desires and my nature. In the end all we can be is ourselves.

TA

[Traci Lynn]

Well said Tammy Anne

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Benway,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[ShawnaLeigh]

13 hours ago, Susan R said:

Hello Benway, I hate to inform you but this person is not likely the reason you are gay. You can blame him every day but in the end it will only reopen the wound. The wound I’m referring to is your belief that his bringing up this topic is the sole reason you are who you are.

 

I am sorry you feel this way and I can’t assist you in changing your sexuality. I’m a bisexual trans woman and I’m not necessarily proud or unhappy.  I’m simply who I am.  I can’t change who I am inside and will not ever try to again. I spent the better part of 56 years trying to change the inner me and it just can’t be done.  Acceptance of yourself is the first step to healing. No one forced this on you. It’s not a disease that spreads on contact. This information would have likely made its way to you at some other point during your life.  It is up to you, what you do with that information. It’s called free will.

 

I wish you luck. You’re on a very difficult path with many potholes. I hope you find your way home.  It’s a long road my friend.

 

Susan R?

Susan said it best.  I feel this is truth and describes many folks in your same position.

Accepting the inner truth of who you are is the first step.

For most the hardest step of all.

It was for me too even though I knew the truth I fought it tooth and nail my whole life.  Four Decades of struggle.

It did not go well for me at all and I made myself miserable and hurt so many people in the process.  For me a mental break down was my final trigger and I use trigger as the gun in my mouth was NOT the final trigger.  I sought help and I am now so happy to just be me.  Yes I have struggle and hard times just like anyone who is transgender but I am at least facing it as my true self.  I love Me.

 

It may not be what your desired outcome is and as far as anything being to late that's just nonsense.  Unless you are dead and buried its never to late.

 

[Benway]

Thanks for all the input everybody. I think my current therapist said it best when she said that I hate being a gay man so much that I'd rather live as a straight woman. So that certainly gives me something to think about.

[Benway]

It's on my mind again. That desire to be the opposite sex. I don't just want a different gender, I want a different life, one where things turned out differently. I imagine my soul as being female and my mind and body as being male. I wonder if in some parallel universe, somewhere out there I am exactly what I want to be? I cannot say for sure, but if my spirit is female, then I suppose that there's hope. Like I said, I don't think I could ever transition and from what I understand a lot of transgender people don't transition at all-- there's a certain dichotomy here which I cannot shake but I know that it's a part of me, one that has lurked silently in the back of my mind for fifteen years or so. 

[TommieAnne]

Good morning Benway.

It's certainly important to listen carefully to your feelings, to the wishes you hope for.

As to pounding all this into a labelled box, like a square peg into a round hole, I'm not so convinced that is the best answer.

As long as you are questioning anyway, and have pushed past the bounds of male/female dichotomy consider letting yourself find your own place, call it the box labelled "me".

I have an approach to dealing with things when I feel stuck and frustrated with my life. I just kind of throw everything up into the wind then watch where it lands. Okay, not literally. It's a way of stepping back and letting things in my life find their own place and priority. Sometimes it's enough to know that how you are is how you are, without worrying so much about what you or others call it.

《《《 hugs 》》》

TA

[Sally Stone]

Hi Benway,

 

Welcome!  All the women who have commented before me, have made some really great points, so I won't rehash any of them.  You keep making a point that you cannot transition.  Not knowing the reason, I wonder if feeling as though you can't transition, you are somehow undermining your happiness.  Often, when we want something but deny it, it adversely affects us.  

 

Of course, transition may not be your solution.  There are other ways to fulfill your trans nature without feeling the pressure to fully transition.  Maybe an effective way for you to explore your feelings and determine what makes you happy, is to try being a woman on a full-time (but temporary basis).  This way, you see if being a woman is what is going to make you happy, and if it doesn't, you'll know it is something else that's driving you.

 

My other recommendation is to do your best to try and keep your sexuality and your gender identity separate.  They aren't really the same.  That said, it is possible, conceivable even, that you are gay and trans.  I think the important thing though, is to try and sort through being gay and being trans as separate issues.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

[DeeDee]

Hi Benway, pleased to meet you. I always thought in binary - one's and zeroes, things were either one way or the other alhough life rarely is.

Sally's advice is a good starting place for you, don't worry about being gay or straight, or male or female just yet. Tht is looking for an answer before you really know what the question is.

 

Ultimately from your first post it sounds like your ideal would be to get to a place where you do not hate yourself.

 

Start small, remove the sexual element and try dressing for no other reason than to wear ladies clothes and see how you feel - I ended up ordering different clothes because the ones I had bought in the past before throwing them out were not designed to be worn for doing actual chores, or reading a book, playing online whatever... How do you feel in normal female clothes - do you like yourself more or less than when you do the same thing in your male clothes or about the same?