Cheating caused more dysphoria

[Alex.G]

I have been with my girlfriend for over a year now and I discovered in January she used to have feelings for another guy. Our relationship started rocky as I had just come out of an abusive relationship (my first) and this was her first, so we were very immature over what love really was, so we split at the turning of 2018-2019. We got back together, but it turns out she was confused about her feelings with this other guy and was considering getting with him. 
 

This broke my heart, but on top of that she had been messaging that guy all 2019 and she said she still would be in 2020 if I didn’t raise my suspicions. It was only flirting but she did visit him a few times without letting me know. She also flirted with 2 others. 
 

I have managed to get over some of it now, I am still hurting when things get bad but I can see that she is genuinely so sorry and guilty for what she did.
 

Despite having time periods of feeling down about it, Ive always had a constant issue since then with my dysphoria. I feel too small, weak and like I’m just not manly enough. She tells me every day I’m handsome and makes sure everyone refers to me with he/him, but I still feel like I am not male enough. We were stupid then, and she didn’t think about the long term impacts, but this has been bothering me every day since. 
 

If someone could lend me some advice on how to get over this feeling it would mean the world, and if anyone has any advice on my relationship, I would appreciate it although it is not really what this post is about. Thank you for reading, I would appreciate anything you have to offer 

[TTheta]

Hey brotato chip. 

 

I do lack in relationship experience but I don't like to think about the idea of dating someone only for them to flirt with others and consider dating others while in a relationship with me. (Exceptions with poly peeps) It would feel like I am just a filler if you get what I am trying to say. 

 

3 hours ago, Alex.G said:

We got back together, but it turns out she was confused about her feelings with this other guy and was considering getting with him. 

This might be my trust issues coming through, but did she only come back because her and this other guy didn't work out? Not trying to be the devil's advocate here, but it seems sketchy. 

 

3 hours ago, Alex.G said:

I feel too small, weak and like I’m just not manly enough.

I think you strong, just from reading this, honest. Look, you are still on this earth and have not crumbled under the pressure, good on you. Give yourself a pat on the back because you deserve it. There is no such thing as "Manly Enough" Because you already broke that meter! Too manly!! What I am saying is that no matter where you look, it all comes down to opinions. My dad told me that "Guys don't wear tie-dye" But clearly I don't think my manliness depends on the clothes I wear haha. Have a better opinion of yourself, once you grow that confidence you will feel the manliness flow through your veins!! 

 

Honestly, you are about as manly as the next guy, you just need to see it for yourself. Despite me being cheesy, I truly do mean it. It takes guts to share your story and takes even more guts to ask for help. (I would know, I am very stubborn when it comes to asking for help haha) Also to get your mind off of the pain, find something you enjoy doing and spend time on that, or maybe pick up a new hobby. I don't know if this is the case for everyone but every time I hear a story or come across a problem/conflict I see it as an idea for my stories, or use it for my character's back stories, I find it making my characters seem more real. Sorry I am rambling now haha I just got carried away. Like I said, maybe find a creative outlet and see the problem from a different angle. Sometimes it takes a bit off bad to get to the good. Now I sound like my English teacher, so Imma cut it short here (rather long but shhh) 

 

Hope this helps even just a bit, if you ever need some extra support, feel free to message me!  

 

[ToniTone]

Hi Alex G welcome to the forum, we're glad to have you here with us ?

 

I'm guessing shot in the dark you're not quite 33 yet, so let me give you some some sage advice if I may, I don't think any young man feels manly enough yet, not really deep down anyway. They might overcompensate and take up a dangerous sport, spend all their savings on a really fast car, sleep around alot, or hit the gym excessively, boys with toys. I think what truly radiates manliness is the energy that comes off a man who has matured passed those childish things. A man who enjoys gentlemenly pursuits, who can drive a modest car and make it look good, who is faithful to their partner(s), who is balanced in all areas. This kinda alluring cool, calm, collectedness comes from experience and confidence, not muscles, cars and sex. The best man you can be is the one who is authenticly you. You'll figure it out, trust me. 

 

~Toni

[The Viv Element]

Hey Alex, good to meet you!
 
This is a bad time to say this since everywhere is basically locked down lol but once this all passes by you guys should do go out and do something different, try to get to know each other in an unique way without the distractions of your personal lives/internet, I prefer hikes, going to orchards, or even the legendary bowling, dinner and movie lol. If you guys have a good time then obviously just go with the flow, if things feel forced/restrained, talk about it and find out why, the goal in relationships is to work together no matter what obstacles you guys have, You'll know the answer if things are right or not when it comes after trying all those things. Don't forget to be patient, Love should never be a race!