Coming Out

[Ella Mae]

Hi...

 

this is a huge step for me...I don’t know how to do this...I don’t even know if I dare saying it out loud...but I have been carrying a burden since I was 5 or 6 years old. Now I’m pushing 50. 
 

My life has been on and off of depression and anxiety for many of those years. Filled with shame and fearing that someone would find out. Doing my thing where no one would ever get to know. Buying stuff, and putting it in the trash the week thereafter.

 

When I was 5, or maybe 6, I knew something was wrong with me. I have a memory of thinking what would things be like if I was a girl. I pictured myself wearing dresses. I knew it was not mainstream thinking like that, I knew I had to keep it a secret. Years went by and when I found women’s clothing I did everything I possibly could to find a chance to be putting them on. No one knew. I think. 
 

When I got older I was in and out of this, and at times I thought I was cured. 
 

In my late 20s or early 30s I started putting my thoughts down in writing, just to shred it immediately after. I was so down and out I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was writing stuff where I was a woman, I was making drawings of myself as a woman and I created an account on the internet where I could interact with people being a woman. No one ever suspected that I wasn’t a female. It came naturally to me. Of course, I had to decline whenever someone wanted to get to know me better. But it was sure better than nothing. I think this was what kept my sanity and even my life safe. Just being treated like a woman by others. I even made female friends. We had so much fun. 
 

Then I met my wife. I thought I was cured again. I wasn’t. I continued my life as a woman on the internet, and I knew I had to start wearing female clothing or I would go crazy. It sucks writing this, but I have to. I can’t take this anymore. 
 

I knew I had to tell my wife. But how? One night, after some red wine, I managed to find courage to tell her. She took it better than I thought. She wasn’t thrilled about it, but she didn’t get hysterical or anything. The following days she was going from being angry to being okay and back again. I couldn’t blame her. It must have been terrible. 
 

At first she was very protective of her clothes and makeup. I’m only 2” taller than her, so we can switch clothing easily. But after some time she let me borrow her things. She encouraged me to it. 
 

As the years passed, she changed her ways and became more and more accepting of me. I have today no doubt that she fully understands and accept me.

 

But what my wife can’t get to comprehend is that this isn’t just about me and her. She thinks everything is okay if she and I are okay with it. But there’s kinfolks, work, kids, church to consider too. I would love to live my life in a way where I can be Ella whenever I want, maybe even on full time, but society won’t let that happen. We’re smack in the middle of the Bible Belt, and folks around here thinks being transgender will bring you straight to the lake of fire...as goes for anyone accepting transgenders.

 

 I know that I one day will have to move, but that day hasn’t come as of now. 
 

I will write more later. Writing this made me feel exhausted.

 

Best wishes, Ella

[michelle_kitten]

Welcome Ella Mae.  My own story is a lot like yours - the allowing yourself to be you for a moment then purging, the hiding who you are.  i totally relate. You will find that to be true of many of us.  You will find lots of support here.

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Ella!

 

I was in a very similar position to you.  The shame, the buying, dressing, purging.  Like you, I thought I was cured when I got married.  But the urge to dress again got so strong that I knew something had to change.  My wife, luckily for me, was understanding right from day one.  However, she got there, you are lucky to have your wife's support now.

 

Being out in public is actually less scary in reality than it tends to be in our imaginations.  I won't deny that you have reason to be concerned in a "Bible belt" area, but the reality may be less dire than you think now. 

 

I live in a rural area, in a community that has less than 300  people spread over a large area.  The people are farmers, fishermen and hillbillies, all redneck-y and religious.  I feared the worst, and had plans to move if things went poorly.  Almost exactly three years ago, I stood up at the weekly community coffee gathering and announced that I was transitioning.  Henceforth, I would appreciate being referred to as she/her/Kathy, and I would be living as a woman.  I got a few surprised looks, but more importantly, I got expressions of support.  I have been full-time since then, and I have not had a single negative experience.  I suppose some people probably talk about me behind my back, but never to my face.

 

I am not going to promise that it will be the same for you.  Obviously, you have to consider your safety, and should plan accordingly.  But over and over again, I hear similar stories: that it might not be as bad as we imagine.

 

I would encourage you to seek out a gender therapist to discuss your goals and to plan how to achieve them.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Ella Mae]

I just want to be Ella. I am Ella. I don’t want to make a fuss about it either. I just want to blend in as an ordinary girl. I know it’s not possible, but that’s what I’m wishing for. 

[Jani]

Hello Ella and welcome.  Thank you for sharing your story.  You are not too different than many of us.  Please join in the conversation.  We'd love to hear from you.

 

Jani

[Ella Mae]

I have a lot of mixed feelings stocked up over decades. It’s a whirl storm right now. The pressure that has been building up over years has finally started to subside. 
 

I still don’t know where to go from here. I have suppressed Ella over so many years that I don’t know what she wants. I have been afraid of letting her take space, mainly because I have been scared of her intentions. Maybe she wants it all, and I am not ready for that...or my surroundings isn’t. I don’t know if I am. I know one thing. If I let her get a week, my life will never be the same again. Then what? This scares me. Anyone else experienced the fear of what the girl inside is capable of?

[KathyLauren]

I felt the opposite fear.  I looked ahead 25-30 years to see what my life would be like.  I'd be in my mid to late 80s, likely in my final years.  I realized that, if I didn't transition, my life would be so dark and bleak that I knew I wouldn't be able to stand it.  I have never been suicidal, but that look into the future showed me that I could not guarantee to stay that way.  I was terrified of not transitioning.

[Susan R]

5 hours ago, Ella Mae said:

When I got older I was in and out of this, and at times I thought I was cured. 
 

In my late 20s or early 30s I started putting my thoughts down in writing, just to shred it immediately after.

Welcome Ella Mae, it is a pleasure to meet you. We share many experiences in our early journey through life. The quote of yours above is just one example you mention. I never really ever mentioned writing my thoughts down but sometimes I felt compelled to do it just to collect all my thoughts after a specific trigger or event. I would usually keep my writings until the next purge. On that note...It always seemed crazy to me that when I would purge, at that moment in time, I really believed, with all my heart, it was going to be my very last purge. Of course, I would again repeat those steps all over again in the not too distant future. does any of that ring true with you?

 

4 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Being out in public is actually less scary in reality than it tends to be in our imaginations.  I won't deny that you have reason to be concerned in a "Bible belt" area, but the reality may be less dire than you think now. 

This is so true.  In our minds, we visualize everyone knowing instantly that we’re out in public crossdressed and their focus is on nothing but us.  In reality it’s usually just the opposite.

 

5 hours ago, Ella Mae said:

As the years passed, she changed her ways and became more and more accepting of me. I have today no doubt that she fully understands and accept me.

 

But what my wife can’t get to comprehend is that this isn’t just about me and her. She thinks everything is okay if she and I are okay with it.

You’ll sooner or later have to communicate this to her. You two need to be on the same page so that your stress about it is reduced and she can actually begin to process the idea. It’s a lot to process so if you decide to move forward in your transition and she agrees that you should, be cautious and take it slow with her.  Pushing too much too fast is almost a guarantee for some pull back from your wife.  Her knowing you’re moving forward and actually seeing you do it are very different things.  I only mention this because I found it to be true in my relationship with my wife and have many trans women friends who have experienced this tug of war in their transition.  Eventually, you’ll get there...but make sure you’re standing there standing next to your wife when you arrive.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Ella Mae]

46 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

I felt the opposite fear.  I looked ahead 25-30 years to see what my life would be like.  I'd be in my mid to late 80s, likely in my final years.  I realized that, if I didn't transition, my life would be so dark and bleak that I knew I wouldn't be able to stand it.  I have never been suicidal, but that look into the future showed me that I could not guarantee to stay that way.  I was terrified of not transitioning.

I can totally relate to that.

 

Seeing myself as an old person, who has been living the big lie, I don’t know if I can handle it. Or even the thought of it. 
 

Im turning 50 come fall, and I have already wasted many years of my life to this. 
 

I have a daily struggle not to act like a woman. It’s tough. It’s exhausting. It’s devastating. 
 

I wish I had the guts to come totally clean with the entire town, but I haven’t. 
 

I haven’t...

 

How much wouldn’t I give for people to call me Ella...
 

Love, Ella

 

 

 

 

[Ella Mae]

Yesterday was a roller coaster ride. My emotions went crazy and I wrote some crazy stuff. I was planning on taking it easy, but once I got started there was no stopping me. I am relieved for doing that too, because now it’s done, it’s done:) 

 

 I’m feeling better now, and I hope to engage in the convos here in a good way from now on.