Big phat gender confusion! Please help meeee :)

[Luhleleri]

Soooooo this is gonna be a very long post, so bear with me. I absolutely  s u c k  at decision making and always have done, so this post is gonna be biiiig. I had the same issue trying to figure out my orientation until I had to stop myself and say "you're obviously bi stop doubting yourself".

I know that nobody can tell me who I am, I know I'm the only person who can define who I am. I think I just need some advice and support on how to explore this more and how to understand. Buuuut that being said, if anyone reads this and thinks they know what my gender is... Please tell me.

 

For context: I'm AFAB and 16 years old.

There are reasons I think I'm cis. There are reasons I think i'm non binary - specifically agender maybe? There are reasons I think I'm ftm. I even question whether I'm genderfluid at times - but I know that's a matter of me confusing gender expression with identity.

 

 

Reasons I could be ftm:

As a kid I always looked up to male characters over female characters. This could just be a result of the movies being written in a misogynistic way where male characters have more depth and importance to the story. I always wanted to be the characters: Simba (The Lion King), Kovu (The Lion King 2), Scamp (Lady and the Tramp 2), Diego (Go Diego Go - spin off series from Dora), Bolt (Bolt the Superdog) and Dumbo (from... Dumbo.)

 

When playing make believe I would often play as a male character as well. My choice of character was often "I'm a boy dog!" for some reason or other. This could have been the influence of male characters, I may have thought that being male mean a character is stronger and more influential due to them being portrayed that way in media. However it could also be due to me just wanting to be male, but never realising that fact.

 

I think I have dysphoria? I'd never thought that much about my body. But I asked myself "do I really want a female chest and genitals?". And the my answer is no. For my chest at least, I can't figure out how I feel about genital. I don't want a uterus for sure, and I hate the possibility of ever being able to get pregnant, it makes me want to literally tear my uterus out. The more I think about it, the more I realise I don't really want female organs. The redeeming quality is the pleasure that can be received (TMI, I know, but it's an important factor to consider), the idea of pleasure and instinctive desire can overthrow what might be dysphoria, causing me to think I don't feel bottom dysphoria (when I think I do?).  But I don't know if that's to say I want male organs. I'd prefer male organs. If I think about it in this current moment, yes I'd prefer to have male organs.

 

When I started puberty I never touched my chest or genitals. Which is odd, because you're meant to do that in order to check them for issues such as signs of cancer. It was almost as if I ignored their existence. I didn't even look at them really. The only thing that snapped me out of this was when I got a boyfriend, I finally became 'comfortable' with these parts of my body and am now able to touch them.

 

When I was very young, I only had male friends. I don't know if this is a factor or not, but it's something to think about I guess.

 

When I was a little older, I hated all things 'girly'. I refused anything I deemed 'girly' no matter what, I HATED my purple bedroom, I wanted it to be yellow or green or orange. It's still purple though, I just got used to it and kind of conformed to it... I also wanted to wear boys clothes as a kid, I never got round to it in my childhood - but I have some men's clothes now, from thrift stores. When I bought them I didn't consider the gender of them, I just thought they were cool clothes.

 

In the past, and I guess in the present to, I've seen groups of guys and thought 'I wish my friendships were like that'. I know this doesn't dictate my gender identity, but I feel that groups of guys act differently (I'm normally in mixed gender friend groups) and I've always wanted to be like that. When a guy talks to me as if I were another dude, I feel really validated and happy. But that might just be a feeling of happiness that I get from somebody wanting to be friends with me.

 

This is a weird analogy for it, but my Animal Crossing character's male. I don't want to make my character female, it doesn't feel right, I want him to be male. My character definitely represents me, so I guess that says something?

 

I've also never understood why I'm not satisfied with my body. I have the typical female body that's portrayed in media to be the ideal. I'm slim (depending on my mental health, when I'm doing badly I eat a lot and I get chubby, which I don't mind) especially in my waist, I have quite a flat belly, and I just have what lots of people would consider a pretty ideal female body I guess? But I couldn't understand why I wasn't satisfied with it. It took me this long to realise that the reason might be that I don't want a  FEMALE body.

 

I'm sometimes unsatisfied with it when I get chubby, not because I dislike being chubby, but because I think it makes me look pregnant which I cannot stand at all. I hate that so much, but when I know there's no possibility of me being pregnant, I don't mind the chub. I don't know if this is a matter of dysphoria, or just a matter of not wanting to be pregnant in general.

 

I'v tried binding recently with a cut up pair of leggings and tights, it was good. I felt like they didn't make me flat enough but it was still good. 

 

 

Reasons I could just be a very confused cis girl:

I never felt what I think is dysphoria until recently. It didn't naturally occur until I asked myself "do I want to be female". I'd never felt dysphoric before at all.

 

I've felt confident in feminine clothing before as well! I've worn a hyper-feminine, somewhat revealing swimsuit to the pool before (about 2 year ago, i was inappropriate for my age yes, but I can't go back on it now) and I felt amazing in it. I don't know if I'd feel amazing in it now. Maybe I felt amazing in it because I knew I looked good? I may have not looked the way I truly felt inside, but I still looked good nevertheless.

 

I had a sort of 'kawaii' harajuku girl phase more recently. However I've recently heard that other trans men have had this phase before sooooo???Again, I was dressing hyper feminine and I felt good, but again this could have been because I knew the style/ composition of my outfits was good. I was basically trying to be Belle Delphine constantly.

 

I also had a phase where I reallyyyyy wanted big boobs. I'm a size c, and I felt okay about my size until my bf started teasing me for it (yehh I know he shouldn't have done that, I talked about it with him and it wasn't that he didn't like them, he just thought it was funny - TMI I know) and it started an insecurity. I tried putting certain herbs/ spices that were said to help on my food and everything, but it didn't really change them at all. If I wanted bigger boobs then surely I can't be trans?? But I only wanted them because I wanted to make my boyfriend happy (he doesn't want me to change for him - I was stupid for thinking that, he's lovely I promise, he just makes childish jokes) and it was more of a societal pressure I guess.

 

Also, further than early childhood (more 'tweenhood' and early teens) I've really looked up to/ related to/ wanted to be female characters and people too. There's: Cat Valentine (Victorious) and Fluttershy (My Little Pony). I still project onto character now, not in the same way of 'wanting to be them' of course - there's: Haru (Beastars), Legoshi (Beastars), Izuku Midoriya (BNHA). And there's people I look up to - Imelda Staunton and Helena Bonham Carter. They're my inspirations as an actor (I hate the word actress, it shouldn't be a gendered word).

 

I also do musical theatre and I just can't imagine how hard it'll be having to transition whilst trying to keep a career in theatre... I know that doesn't make me cis, but I'm just scared of the struggle and I don't know if I can face it. I do love singing male theatre songs, but I've only ever performed female songs. My voice isn't quite low enough to sing the lowest parts of male songs. For anyone interested, I'm a mezzo-alto, I normally stay in the alto or mezzo-soprano harmony groups when doing ensemble. I can sing soprano at a push though! Just a fun fact lol

 

 

 

That's all I can really think of now? I'll make more edits or replies if I have more thoughts. Thank you so much for reading, and if you could help me out I'd be so grateful! I was going to make a section on why I might be non binary, but it overlaps with the reasons why I might be ftm. The main reason I could be nb is because I hatehatehatehatehate the societal concept of gender .... But yeah!! Thanks, and byeeeeeeeee!!

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Luhleleri, and welcome.

 

Obviously, I can't tell you what your gender identity should be.  Only you can decide that.  All I can do is make some observations.

 

I can see lots of indications in your "ftm" section that suggest to me that you probably are closer to the masculine end of the spectrum than to the feminine end.  And I don't see much in the "cis" section that would negate any of that. 

 

I often see young people declare themselves non-binary, gender-fluid, or gender-queer out of (what appears to me to be) fear or indecision.  I am not saying that those identities are not valid, just that I see them chosen out of indecision rather than conviction.  Often, this is because of a belief that dysphoria must be overwhelming and constant and focused on body parts in order to be real.  Dysphoria doesn't work that way in real life.  It is often vague and intermittent, and it can be social rather than physical.  And it is still real in those cases.

 

This would be where it would be helpful to talk to a gender therapist.  They can help you sort out what is expression and what is identity, what is dysphoria.  They can help you to decide your identity clearly enough that you can move forward with confidence.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[VickySGV]

Rule of thumb around here is that Cis People do not have gender confusion unless someone has been badly abusing them, but even then they know they are Cis. If you have uncertainty that lasts a long time, keeps bugging you, and pushes you to get something done, then accept that you are Trans without shame or anxiety about it and be the VERY BEST YOU you can be.  It might not be the best idea to shout out that you are Trans from a roof top, or your folks bedroom early on a Saturday morning, but quietly accept yourself.  Once that is done, then get a counselor to help you find out where you are on a map of Trans Land, move around a bit and see where you fit the best.

[Luhleleri]

Thanks people!! I'd love to see a gender therapist, but I get too scared to even start when it comes to that. I've wanted to see a general therapist for a long time due to other stuff, but I really don't want to talk to my parents about any of my emotions. Either that, or I'd have to get an appointment and make some kind of cover story to tell my parents when I went to see a therapist. So I guess that's something I'm going to have to leave until I leave home (if I manage to get into a good drama school it could only be a 2 year wait)...

 

I'm not sure if my college has a counsellor or not. There's definitely a guidance tutor or something, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable sharing that information with them I guess.

 

You're right, I don't think I'm cis. I just know I'm going to struggle with that fact as it'll affect my movement into a career in the arts as I only have about 1 year till drama school auditions, and I don't think I'd feel comfortable enough to come out to my parents whilst living in the same house as them... I guess that's a whole different matter though.

[BrandiBri]

Welcome Luhleleri. I would imagine that there is a counselor that you could talk to. They are not to share any information that you would  offer. Ask about that in he main office. Even a general therapist can  help you sort out your feelings. 

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[VickySGV]

3 hours ago, Luhleleri said:

Either that, or I'd have to get an appointment and make some kind of cover story to tell my parents when I went to see a therapist. So I guess that's something I'm going to have to leave until I leave home

 

Gender Dysphoria does cause problems that are well in the realm of general therapists, trouble concentrating on school work and personal relations being in the realm, even career investigation. .  Gender therapists started out as garden variety therapist folks that work on those issues (and still do) so you have the problems that are real to go to them for.  As a grandparent I know how to be sorta sneaky and can let you know that if your parents are like I was as a parent, that would be one to pull over on them that harms none of you.

[Susan R]

4 hours ago, Luhleleri said:

I don't think I'm cis. I just know I'm going to struggle with that fact

Hello Luhleleri, it’s just good that you’re reaching out trying to figure some things about yourself and doing it an early age. You have a lot of time to find your path and I’m sure you will.  It’s confusing separating what we’re told we should be, what we’ve learned, what we need and desire, and what we know already about ourselves. As some have mentioned, a therapist with a gender identity specialization can sift through some of this with you and you’ll soon have more than just an educated guess.

 

Thanks for your introduction. It was very well thought out and interesting to say the least. I hope to read more about your continuing journey.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Luhleleri]

14 hours ago, Susan R said:

it’s just good that you’re reaching out trying to figure some things about yourself and doing it an early age.

Honestly I always feel like I'm doing it so late, every trans person my age I've come across seems to have it all figured out, they seem to have known since they were a kid.

 

I'd love to talk to a gender therapist, but I really don't know if I'd be comfortable talking about these feelings out loud yet to be honest.

[KathyLauren]

54 minutes ago, Luhleleri said:

Honestly I always feel like I'm doing it so late, every trans person my age I've come across seems to have it all figured out, they seem to have known since they were a kid.

 

I'd love to talk to a gender therapist, but I really don't know if I'd be comfortable talking about these feelings out loud yet to be honest.

 

Hun, 16 isn't "late".  There are plenty of us here who didn't figure it out until we were in our 50s or 60s.  Don't believe the myth that you had to have known since you were little.  It simply isn't true.  You are totally valid just as you are.

 

I am glad that you put the word "yet" in there.  Keep the idea of going to a therapist in the back of your mind until you are ready.  It is a good thing to do, but you don't want to freak yourself out by doing it before you are ready.  On the other hand, progress is made by stepping outside your comfort zone.

 

Kathy

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, Luhleleri said:

I'd love to talk to a gender therapist, but I really don't know if I'd be comfortable talking about these feelings out loud yet to be honest.

What @KathyLauren said! Dealing with these issues is daunting at best. If your therapist is good, you’ll feel a huge release of tension after your first few appointments. It’s scary in the beginning but just remember that they have your best interest at heart, heard it all before, your privacy is a top priority issue and they understand your struggle is difficult.

 

My Best,

Susan R?