Walking Man's Road

[Mx.Drago]

To those dear souls who read this, I mean no offense, but only reach out in hope for understanding. I'm a very open person and love all, but I've always suffered from feelings of  Anthropophobia, and with my ever present depression makes it hard for me to be as proactive as I would like in my presuit for moderate happiness. Though I don't have a doctor note for my issues, I know myself.

I've been very reluctant to even venture close to attempt a break, from a mixture of both fear and caution, but I am stuck in this form till I do something about it. I don't like the thought of constantly needing to validate/fight for my existence with other humans, I am that I am, and people can say and do whatever they want, you only have one body and one life and one chance and time waits for no one.

Since I was very young, I always felt like I didn't fit in the box that was so boldly filled in for me at birth. The "F" constantly following me, reminding me and forcing me to play a very exhausting game of pretend for the comfort of other less open and understanding, and in a way, made me feel more like a failure for not having the courage to open the door to my very small closet. I felt like a boy, but never was allowed to entertain the thought or disclose those feelings with my folks. People tend to I guess feel too comfortable around me, and can say very senseless and hurtful things, and back into my hermet crab shell I would go. But I'm getting too old for pretend games and need an upgrade. Now I have had plenty of time to do research on how I can fix my bottom dysphoria. My hope is at some point, after this pandemic passes, I can at least get started figuring out how to proceed.

 

[KayC]

Welcome, Mx.Drago
I'm also new here, and I feel a connection to your story, just from the opposite end of the birth gender. 

Courage is the key word I latched on to also, because that is my obstacle also.  But, I feel its a long and winding road, and while many miles have passed along the way my hope is many more better miles ahead.  At least I know I am in a better place now than I was before, and I feel like I am now walking together with others in these forums (not so lonely anymore).

Thank you for posting.  That in itself is a victory in courage.
Kay

[Mx.Drago]

Thank you KCraig. It's good not to be alone. There is always strength in numbers and there are many games that require multiplayer to complete. I just hate feeling like a tiger jumping through flaming hoops only to be stuck waiting till I'm to old to care about the retirement where I finally get to be my natural self, free of flaming hoops.