Do I need a reason? Afraid to accept my identity

[Maren]

Hi everyone, I have been really confused as of late and I am determined to figure out what I am, after years of pushing everything down.  For as long as I can remember I have enjoyed dressing in female clothes.  I would steal my mom or sisters clothes when I was home alone and hang out around the house pretending to be a girl.  I never felt a strong hate for my male body but I have always felt jealous of cis women for being able to dress so femininely like leggings, skirts, dresses etc.  I continued to dress in private through high school but tried not to think much of it because I didn't think there was much else I could do.  In university I found out more about the transgender community but still did not engage in it at all.  I started buying my own female clothes to wear and continued fantasizing about being a girl.  I seriously looked at the logistics of transitioning a few times but wrote it off since I was still too scared and embarrassed to tell anyone.  Once I graduated and moved away from some of my good friends I had made in university, I found myself alone alot more often.  So I used the time to dress as a woman more and more.  Eventually I started going further and further.  I bought makeup and tried applying it, painted my nails, and started shaving my entire body.  No matter how feminine I was making my male body look though, it never seemed to be enough.  I started to go out in public a few times because I couldn't stand staying inside anymore.  Still not enough, so I started seeing a gender therapist, I have only had two sessions so far and it feels good to finally tell someone.  But for the past month wishing I was a girl has overrun my brain, I am constantly thinking about it.  

 

I am starting to accept for the first time that I am on the transgender spectrum one way or another but am struggling to determine if I really identify as a female.  I think the main reason I am confused is because other than woman's clothes I never really felt the need to participate in traditionally "female" activities and toys.  I enjoyed my "male" activities that I took part in, like fishing, woodworking, working on cars and ATV's, etc.  But every time I dress as a woman I wish I had the body to fill out the clothes correctly and I continue to feel jealous of cis women I see in public.  And really, I could do all the things I've always enjoyed as a woman too.  The source of the jealousy I'm pretty sure stems mainly from the clothes they get to wear.  I just feel silly for wanting to transition into a woman just because of societal clothing expectations.  But I also know that I feel so right when I am looking feminine in a dress and I wish I could feel like that all the time.  I also think maybe its easier to say I feel this way because of the clothes since I don't know how to describe why I feel like I want a woman's body so bad.  I have read that alot of MtF transwomen start out just crossdressing but then there is also lots of cis men who also crossdress and don't feel the need to do anything past that.  This all probably seems very scattered and confusing but I'm just really confused...  I'm pretty sure I should Identify as a woman but I feel like I need to be able to describe why?     

[Oh_Kay]

Hi Maren,

 

Thank you for sharing. We all have our wants and reasons. I can't answer your question 'why?'. I enjoy fishing, hiking and working out. Women can do those activities too. I have watched transgender mechanics on YouTube. Take it slow and work with your therapist. Have faith that you will find your right path.

 

Kay

 

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Maren.

 

This sounds so familiar!  You could be describing me a few years ago.  I am not going to tell you that you are or are not transgender.  You are right that there are cross-dressers who are trans and cross-dressers who aren't.  That is something for you to decide, in consultation with your therapist. 

 

I see some signs in your post that you may well be transgender.  "I feel so right when I am looking feminine in a dress and I wish I could feel like that all the time" sure sounds to me like someone starting to identify as a woman.  And cisgender people don't spend a lot of time or energy wondering about their gender identity.

 

Male activities and female activities are just social conventions.  You are used to doing male activities because that is how you were raised, and those were activities that were approved.  Whether you are a man or a woman, it doesn't mean that you have to keep doing them, nor does it mean that you have to quit them.  What matters is if you enjoy them, either because they give you pleasure inherently, or because being good at them gives you satisfaction.  It's all good, and it means nothing about your identity.

 

So keep talking to your gender therapist.  And by all means ask questions here.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Jani]

Hello Maren and welcome.  I willl echo KathyLauren's comments 100%.  I will admit that I had trepidation about my situation when I considered my hobby's (cars and mechanical pursuits) and that I might have to jettison them from my life.  Then I had to change out the ignition wires on one of my cars (shorting out) and I did it wearing shorts, a tank top with my hair pulled back.  I remember telling my therapist how it was a revelation that I need not give up any part of my life that I loved.  I've noted in other threads how when I was auto racing there were a number of women who raced with us and many of them wrenched on their own cars.  

 

Now I have also loved sewing since I was a teen and I taught one of my sisters how to create clothing.  So you can do whatever you want.  This is an opportunity to give up the parts of your life that are no longer working for you and to embrace new opportunities!  Be YOU!!!

 

Cheers, Jani