Three Decades In...

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

Okay, so I'm almost thirty now and I just took what I feel is a very big step. I had just had an argument with my girlfriend and had been feeling for days, maybe weeks, maybe months that I keep waiting around, trying to be as nice as I can and make things as comfortable for her, then maybe when she's happy enough and has enough of what she needs then I'll get more of the things I need. Even back in the beginning of our relationship, there's some things I should have said flat out and some boundaries I should have made but I did not do it.

Yet last night we were briefly intimate and she stopped and said some things that just brought up stuff I didn't want to have to deal with whilest naked with someone, LOL. And there's no reason I couldn't have said something. It would have been fine to talk about it under different sicumstances but some things I just don't want to talk about at some times! Then today, I had some thngs I wanted to say and ask for but I did not. I have now made a habit of keeping quiet and waiting... even when everything seems alright with her, I still waited..

On a greater scale, I try to be a good partner and great lover. Well I basically said it already in the paragraphs above: Up till now I haven't ever really stopped things to say, "no, stop, this is what I want to do right now."

So tonight, after our argument that stemmed from me having run out of money helping throw a party for her coworkers (a few of whom were mutual friends)... I didn't want to go out dancing tonight because I really can't afford it. We argued back and forth. It's okay, but I realized that I just haven't been advocating for myself the way I should.

So I walked into the bedroom and I kissed her and said that I haven't been sticking up for myself enough, I feel angry and sad, and I know it's hard to change things if you go into a relationship one way... I was very brief and I said I needed time alone to think about it, and decide what I want to do. I made it clear that I love her but I want to make sure I get what I need.

So... here I am, LOL. I'm going to eat a nice meal and take a nice long walk up the mountain and then come down and do a little project, and when I feel very centered I'm going to take out a journal and work on paying more attention to what I need for myself and when I should bring these things up.

I still really want to have this blending with her, and I'm willing to make all the thousand compromises it takes to be with another human. At the same time, I'm going to be certain I stick up for what I need more.

I turn thirty in August. This has always been hard for me, partly because I'm trans and that makes my life harder than most and I think it makes me a little crazy. So I've felt like I need to spend all my time making up for the fact that I'm a crazy Transgender lady and it hasn't always left me feeling free to ask for the normal things I want and need...

I hope things work out and I hope our relationship grows from this. Honestly, I hope I grow from this.

--Jeannine

[Sally]

Jeannine,

I didn't stand up for anything in my marriage and it ended, some people 'lay down the law' and the marriage ends - some last, relationships are very tricky, but in my mind they must be equal - no one person should make all of the compromises.

Balance is necessary in all of life.

Love ya,

Sally