tiny little dolly

[Just Lee]

Since I was 16, I've been 5 ft even, 100 lbs. and the physical envy of all my female relatives. "You're so petite! I found this cute dress/skirt/floral print in extra small because I knew you'd look so cute in it. Try it on now! You'll be adorable!" I've been treated as a perpetual little dolly to dress up for my entire life. And each time I'd shrink further into myself and just obey, hating it with every fiber of my being.

I've been physically picked up twirled around by both family and random guys saying "Look how tiny she is! I can pick her up and toss her like a football!" And each time I had no choice but to submit to being literally manhandled because it proved someone else' "strength & virility" to grab me unsolicited. Less than a non entity. My own father's favorite phrase is "She's a doll," when talking about me or any other short female. Objections went unheeded and I was either dressed like a living dolly or thrown like a football as they all marveled at how I'm such a TINY LITTLE GIRL even at 49 years old. 

On my 17th birthday, I tried to introduce my new gf to my mother. She promptly called me every nasty slur in the book, beat me senseless and threw me out of the house for being a pervert. My father (former marine) took me in and said that if I work weekends and keep up my grades, I could stay with him and his (secretly savage) wife. After a call with my mother who disowned me, he said he had no problem with me being lesbian. But I did. 

Fast forward a few years to after I'd left the air force and moved in with my gf. "Don't be stupid-you can't be a guy at that size! I think you're just scared to come out as lesbian.Beside, you know i wouldn't ever be with a man. Here try on this cute romper I found in extra small-you'll be so cute in it." This conversation was held while I was in my locked bathroom and using a sock to pack because I don't know. It felt right, but how could I tell anyone? Who could I tell indeed in 1995? Now it's 2020. Is it time for me to find me yet? I'm scared but I'm gonna hit that submit topic button.

[Susan R]

16 hours ago, Just Lee said:

I'm scared but I'm gonna hit that submit topic button.

Thank you Lee for expanding on your original introduction. These are not only therapeutic to get down on ‘virtual‘ paper but it really helps us decompartmentalize our thoughts. I finally made the decision to transition after writing down stuff. I was in denial but when I saw it visually, my mission was suddenly clear to me.

I understand this feeling of everyone thinking you’re something you’re not. If you confront them and tell them the truth, they think you’re crazy. If you bury it, it festers and becomes the problem most trans folks deal with later in life. Like you, I lived most of my life living only a partial truth. It bothers me on occasion but I’ve confronted it head on and it seems to be the needed cure. I don’t know yet where you are on your journey but you are certainly on the right path. As I mentioned in one of your previous posts, reaching out as you have is a good step. Also, don’t be afraid of getting some professional assistance from a good therapist. I never knew how much they could help until I found a good one specializing in gender issues. They can also help you sort through some of these difficulties and help you work through them. The one thing my therapist did was help me look at my life through a completely different perspective...one I had never given any thought about. A good therapist can do the same for you. Thank you for pressing that ‘submit topic’ button.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Oh_Kay]

Hi Lee,

 

Welcome! It took a long time for me to find self acceptance. Since then, my life has been blissful! I hope you find it for yourself. 

 

Kay

[Just Lee]

Thank you so much for all this acceptance! This is amazing that I just shared half my life story and not one person insulted or condemned me for it. It means the world to me that you're so kind even though I'm brand new on this forum. Thank you just doesn't seem big enough. 

[Jackie C.]

27 minutes ago, Just Lee said:

This is amazing that I just shared half my life story and not one person insulted or condemned me for it.

 

We don't do that here sweetie. This is a safe place. Also we'll bounce anybody who does that kind of thing so fast it would make your head spin. ?

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

7 hours ago, Just Lee said:

Since I was 16, I've been 5 ft even, 100 lbs. and the physical envy of all my female relatives. "You're so petite! I found this cute dress/skirt/floral print in extra small because I knew you'd look so cute in it. Try it on now! You'll be adorable!" I've been treated as a perpetual little dolly to dress up for my entire life. And each time I'd shrink further into myself and just obey, hating it with every fiber of my being.

I've been physically picked up twirled around by both family and random guys saying "Look how tiny she is! I can pick her up and toss her like a football!" And each time I had no choice but to submit to being literally manhandled because it proved someone else' "strength & virility" to grab me unsolicited. Less than a non entity. My own father's favorite phrase is "She's a doll," when talking about me or any other short female. Objections went unheeded and I was either dressed like a living dolly or thrown like a football as they all marveled at how I'm such a TINY LITTLE GIRL even at 49 years old.

? It's like reading my life story, except I didn't tell my parents anything bout being pan, cuz nah. Have known people even in the lgbtq tell me there is no way I'd pass.

 

7 hours ago, Just Lee said:

"Don't be stupid-you can't be a guy at that size! I think you're just scared to come out as lesbian.Beside, you know i wouldn't ever be with a man. Here try on this cute romper I found in extra small-you'll be so cute in it." This conversation was held while I was in my locked bathroom and using a sock to pack because I don't know. It felt right, but how could I tell anyone? Who could I tell indeed in 1995? Now it's 2020. Is it time for me to find me yet? I'm scared but I'm gonna hit that submit topic button.

?People can be really messed up. I pack and am both stranded between the constant feeling of blissful happiness and complete terror, and it doesn't get less uncomfortably.?

Thank you for posting and sharing your life experience with us.

[DeeDee]

Hi Lee, at 5'7 I am taller than my sisters but have always been the smallest of my "male" friends. Attitude counts for so much more than size. I oozed quiet confidence because of being a few years older than my friends. I only wished that I could be considered cute when looking into a mirror. Quite often fitting into the expected role is just easier, you give people what they are expecting. Sorry that you have been physically manhandled though. No one should be able to label you or tell you who you are. Thanks for sharing.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Just Lee said:

And each time I'd shrink further into myself and just obey, hating it with every fiber of my being.

Welcome Lee.  We are so happy to have you here and hear your story and challenges.  As you now probably know most of us here have similar experiences.

50+ years for me.  For MtF its often the opposite conundrum with being too big, too tall, wrong proportions ... BALD! (haha). 

But (as stated by @VickySGV) in an earlier post about "passing" as your true identity..

"Another item is that while we look grotesque and misshapen to ourselves we are not as distinctive as we fear that we are."

Its all about how we feel about our true selves.  You've found a great place to learn and share.  Also @Susan R recommendation wrt therapy is a common theme.  Hoping to start mine soon.
Deep breaths  ... one step at a time

❤️
Kay

[TommieAnne]

Hello Lee! It might surprise you to know that I will turn 70 this summer and have only within the past two years been able to sort things out and come to an understanding of myself. I'm glad you found us.

One of my problems - I'm sure you can relate from the opposite end of the spectrum - is that I'm too muscular to be a female, at least in the eyes of many. In reality, who we are is who the inside is. How the world sees us can be a variance with who we are, and the world can either like it or lump it.

Too bad there's not a swap machine available.

TA

[Just Lee]

Thank you Tammy Anne. I'm glad that you were able to come to an understanding of yourself, it's so important. I would gladly trade this tiny little ridiculous prison of a child/girl body for a larger form that matches the serious person I am inside, who I am in my mind and heart. My nicknames when I was younger were smurfy and thumbelina. It's like when someone sees a meme of a fluffy cute LITTLE Pomeranian 'puppy' and get stuck on the word aaawwww. Even if it's a full grown dog that's miserable. But no one can see past the tininess, nor do they care to. 

[VickySGV]

When you work with a Chorus that has 48 Trans and N/B people strong, you see all sizes of genders and more important, attitudes.  One of the Trans Males is your size and has literally taken down some people getting abusive with him, but yet has a beautiful Alto voice and really is the most laid back guy you can meet and enjoy being around.  We have a couple more that are on the low side of 5'6" that I can count on to help me with our audio gear including a couple of 4' high speakers.  You are who you are. BE THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE!  (BTW one of those guys is named Lee as well.) 

 

I am really sorry you had to put up the size baloney that you did.   You mentioned Thumbelina up there and I know you endured it just barely when it happened, but there is a song from a musical with the words "it doesn't matter even if you're  very small, when your heart is full of love you are 9 feet tall."  One point of this set of forums here is that we will encourage you to find love for yourself and that is what my other friends do to make them so happy to be who they are. 

[Jackie C.]

Vicky raises a good point. I have a cis-female friend your size (minus about two pounds, she's only 98) who I am absolutely certain can break me in half. For reference, I'm 5' 11" and about 220 lbs. Attitude counts for a lot.

 

Hugs!

[Just Lee]

Thank you so much for all this warmth and encouragement Vicky and Jackie! This forum and all of you kind people are turning out to be exactly what I need right now. It's so amazing to see all this support when I'm hurting. You are wonderful, strong, amazing people that I'm blessed to have on here. And yes Vicky, that line is why I'll always remember my nickname of Thumbelina.

 

And to anyone who's feeling the opposite of my littleness: Try not to be sad or disheartened at having a larger frame. I think it's because you have such BIG hearts and BIG compassion, that you need a bigger frame to try and contain it all ❤️ 

[Emily michelle]

Welcome just lee, by the way your dogs in your pic are so cute. It’s sad how hurtful people can it doesn’t matter how big or small you are it doesn’t give people the right to judge you for it.  My whole time growing up I was made fun of for being overweight. I was always called titties because I had breasts which now I’m grateful for but and that time it was very hurtful. There are some truly wonderful people on here, and we’re always willing to talk.

[ToniTone]

Welcome Lee! We're glad you're here with us ? Thank you for sharing your story. I feel your experience, I've always had sympathy for women and afab people who were objectified like that. Being an mtf trans woman, I confess though that when I started transitioning a year ago, I thought I would like to be treated like that someday because it would feel validating perhaps, strangely. But now I get all kinds of chasers messaging me all kinds of sleazy things. It's demeaning, gross, scary and a little overwhelming even. I now understand what it's like to be objectified as a fem, it's awful. 

 

I'm 5'5", which for a guy is just shy of average height, but considered by many to be short. It's a handsome and average height for a woman. But anyway, before coming out, back when I was living as a guy, I never let my (lack of) height bother me, and I never let anyone belittle me so to speak. I lived like I was 6'9". I got into kickboxing matches and street fights with guys who were a foot and a half taller than me. I hit on people who were taller than me and/or that I knew only liked tall people. I was tall even though I'm only 5'5".

 

That is my word of wisdom to you. Be the big, strong, empowered person you want to be. Be larger than life! 

 

Btw I always felt like I was objectively a lil short for a guy, but now I feel a little too tall as a woman, lol...

 

~Toni

[Just Lee]

Thanks Emily. They were my rescues, Sadie and Muggle. The names you were called are hurtful beyond measure. I think kindness is so much easier, stronger and spreads more quickly because it's positive. Purposeful cruelty and hatred take a lot more effort than a kind word and takes far too much to sustain it. Don't let anyone body shame you because you're an amazing person. Besides, 'normal' body weight has such a vast range that worrying over individual poundage is needless. Being small isn't necessarily a feminine trait imo. My father is the tallest in his family and he's 5'6. He's a former marine gunnery sergeant and he still commands respect with just a look. My dad isn't the tallest man I know, but he's the most casually, calmly masculine person I'll ever know. 

 

Toni you have me laughing out loud. Having a guy aggressively hitting on you is the MOST VALIDATION YOU'LL EVER GET AS A WOMAN! I know of nothing more feminine, female and womanly than going about your own business only to have a strange man suddenly demand your attention. And average height is actually 5'7 for both men and women. 5'5 is considered short for men and women. Gorgeous supermodels that are admired far and wide are not under 5'7. Toni, sweetie, if you're getting random harassing icky DM's, congratulations because it's the most validating and womanly thing on the planet. Being importuned by strangers be it by text, loud whistles, car yells and the like are the most feminine way of life. 

 

All of the positivity has me smiling again. Thank you all for letting me go to sleep with Hope back in my life.