hello

[MirandaVarn]

Hi, I am new to the forum. I am 46 and have been dressing all my life. I few months before the Virus thing I started going to see a therapist because I felt like I was losing my mind and was in a very dark place. I have been having panic attacks and anxiety and overall hate parts of the male side of me. After unpacking a lot of stuff starting with my want and need to present, feel, and look more feminine, I realized I was transgender. I am Married and of course it makes things a lot harder. We have had  a few big arguments about this. I am trying to find balance between what I can give my wife and what I need to feel ok. I just joined this forum to seek out other people like myself to chat with.

 - Miranda

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, MirandaVarn said:

I am 46 and have been dressing all my life.

Hi Miranda, Welcome to the club. It doesn’t go away does it?! I used to be in denial too. It simply doesn’t work to bury things. You’re at that stage where things get messy and unpredictable....and then the Covid lockdown happens. It’s really difficult, I know. Stay calm. Your on the right track even though sometimes it feels your about to go off the rails.

With what you’ve stated here thus far I can give you some key things that may help. Try to keep the lines of communication with your spouse open. This is hard sometimes. Shutting them out when they become illogical or uncooperative is a sure way to stop all progress. Keep it civil even if your spouse makes ultimatums or threats. This can be just as hard for your spouse as it is for you.  Sometimes things that are said and used as defensive mechanisms. Go slow with your spouse and try not to plan your entire transition with them in one sitting. This will undoubtedly scare them and may cause them panic. Then all bets are off. Besides, this early in the game, you never know which direction life may take you. Be honest with your spouse. Try not to make any promises you or your spouse will regret down the road.

 

1 hour ago, MirandaVarn said:

I am Married and of course it makes things a lot harder.

In general, this is true especially in the short term but if you’re one of those that survives the first round, your spouse could end up being your greatest ally and support. It happens.

 

Thank you for signing up with us and sharing a little of yourself. Stick around and let us know how things are progressing. It might be interesting to find out how you got to this point in your life if you are open to sharing it. I bet you have an interesting back story that I and others might learn a thing or two.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

 

[Oh_Kay]

Hi Miranda,

 

Welcome! This site is friendly and accepting. I felt like I was at war with myself for decades. When I gained the total self acceptance that I needed, the war was over. Most of my anxiety is gone and I feel happier. There is a lot of great advice here about working with spouses. Their lives are changing too and change can be hard & scary! 

 

Kay

[KayC]

3 hours ago, MirandaVarn said:

I started going to see a therapist because I felt like I was losing my mind and was in a very dark place.

Welcome Miranda!  you've found a safe and very supportive landing spot on this Forum.  I can't tell you how much it has helped me in just the few weeks I've been here.
I had a similar experience a couple of years ago that included a dark depression, before coming to the realization that I had kept my gender identity issues buried my whole life.  Came out to my wife at that time ... it was a shock to her but she has been as understanding and supportive as I think she is capable of.

We have been somewhat in limbo since then, as she doesn't really support me transitioning.  So I'm still experiencing the roller coaster of anxiety attacks also.

Its great you are in therapy (keep going!) , because that is my next step to able to move forward.  I am hoping my wife will move forward with me ... but in the end, the decision to transition will be mine and not hers.

You've taken a very important first step towards your happiness... I hope your wife can walk with you on this journey.
Please feel free to share and join the conversations here.  It will help.

hugs

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Miranda,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[Erikka]

Welcome Miranda

this is an awesome place to get information and education. I understand how tricky navigating family can be. My daughters to varying degrees do accept Erikka. I no longer have a spouse, not because of transitioning because I told her before we got married I was trans, but of deeper issues. The family issues are the hardest ones in my opinion. What the world thinks of me is not important, but family matters. Good luck with your transition. It does get better even though at times you are going to doubt who you are. Lykke til.

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome.

Glad you to have you.

[MirandaVarn]

Thank you all for such kind words! I am glad I found this forum.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Miranda.  There are many of us who started in mid-life or later, and many who were married.  A lot of them, including myself, are married still and happy.  It can happen to you.  Just be open, honest, patient and loving, because if you decide to transition, your wife will be transitioning with you.  I won't sugar coat it; It can be very tough sledding.  But you can get through it together.

 

We welcome all your questions and comments.  I am glad you're here, and wish you all the luck in the world.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[NB Adult]

On 5/17/2020 at 12:59 AM, MirandaVarn said:

Hi, I am new to the forum. I am 46 and have been dressing all my life. I few months before the Virus thing I started going to see a therapist because I felt like I was losing my mind and was in a very dark place. I have been having panic attacks and anxiety and overall hate parts of the male side of me. After unpacking a lot of stuff starting with my want and need to present, feel, and look more feminine, I realized I was transgender. I am Married and of course it makes things a lot harder. We have had  a few big arguments about this. I am trying to find balance between what I can give my wife and what I need to feel ok. I just joined this forum to seek out other people like myself to chat with.

 - Miranda

 Hello Miranda, most of us can relate to the place you find yourself in one way or another and many have come into it through various means of self discovery along with all the denial and even some self loathing at times. You're not alone and neither are you losing your mind. Take it slow and try to be patient with your spouse, they often get the signals that something's up and try to avoid discussing it as it can be a shocking discovery for them, and there's a lot for them to assimilate. 

[Mmindy]

On 5/17/2020 at 3:59 AM, MirandaVarn said:

I am Married and of course it makes things a lot harder. We have had  a few big arguments about this. I am trying to find balance between what I can give my wife and what I need to feel ok. I just joined this forum to seek out other people like myself to chat with.

Welcome Miranda,

I'm so proud that you're at least out to your wife. Like you I'm new here. I have not pushed the closet door open to any of my family or people who know me. My therapist and a few online friend are all that know. I'm several sessions away from telling my wife and hoping she doesn't explode to the family. This should be an in house secret until I start presenting more androgynous out and about. You are in a safe place here.

 

Best wishes, stay positive and safe

 

Mindy???

[Kian]

Welcome, Miranda.

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome!

[GraceH]

Hi Miranda,

 

Welcome!

 

If you two can get past the initial shock, there's potentially a
lot in this for your spouse.

 

There is one main thing I talk about with my partner.  The
typical business sell, "What's in it for her?" So, for
women, relationship is about the interaction and a big focus
on pleasing/awareness of your partner.  You feel what's
going on for them as if it were yourself.  I see her kindness and
caring for me and I aspire to be half the partner she is.

 

It's about more deeply bonding with her and feeling empathy
for her.  If that's true for you, I mean the core truth,
then tell her, because there's a lot in it for her,
potentially.  Having a lover that's a better friend than
ever?  Who wouldn't go for that?  If they can get past the
prejudices.

 

--Grace