Difficult Family

[Erikka]

Why are family members our biggest pain. It seems that family feel they have a right to miss gender, obviously and purposely use dead names and always point out their antiquated and ignorant ideas of gender. Just ranting. These are my siblings and their children. One niece posts anti trans stuff on my FB page at every opportunity. Keeps referring to transgender as mental illness. If they weren’t family their FB page and Luca Brasí would sleep with the fishes. Only my family. 

[Mx.Drago]

You can choose your friends and those you adopt, but you can't choose your blood kin. ?Will never tell my family anything cuz I value my sanity, too highly at the moment. They would drive me insane. I want nothing from them for that.

My brother confuses beastiality with pansexuality, and my mother can't understand the ""A" thing" speaking in a gaslight tone. I remember my dad agreeing to a blatten disregard of transfolk in general at a family/friends reunion. Sister is fine but has her own issues. Everybodyelse was set in agreement at the party. I was just there wondering how and why I decided on agreeing to going anywhere with them, let alone be anywhere with them.

The shamelessness, to the point, I just rather not want to be with them, makes me sad. In the end they are still family, and were there in the beginning, you never know when there end will come. It's the simple bonds we share that we dare try to overlook and even at some point forgive, because everybody likes an x infinity chances, rewind skip press play. If family can't help, who can? It's easier to take chances, but it's hard always to give them, especially when the person/people in question abuse the privilege.

Luckily, I drifted far enough to keep in touch and keep my ripples in the pond low. The world isn't kind, but you can be if you want to, but you don't have to be. It's your choices in the end, on what is given, even the energy to spend on feeling  anger at all. Everybody takes, families included. It's mentally exhausting, but it's the loads we have to gage, wage and carry... I can only guess. Might not be perfect, but it's what we know and hold close as best we can to keep going. ?So many mountains.

[Emily michelle]

I have managed to distance myself from the majority of my family. I don’t even talk to my parents that much about once a month. All my sister and I ever heard growing up was you don’t do this right. My cousins used to make fun of us because we didn’t live in the city and we didn’t act like them. After my grandma died a couple of years ago I cut ties with them and it doesn’t bother me at all.

[Susan R]

5 hours ago, Erikka said:

Why are family members our biggest pain.

I ask myself this a few times a week. My life would be a nirvana if my grown children weren’t so difficult and could one day accept me as Susan already. Their loss.

[Oh_Kay]

5 hours ago, Susan R said:

Their loss.

 

Very true statement. I have always dreamed of a big family where everyone is supportive and filled with unconditional love. Why does everyone try to control us with criticism or silence? 

 

I often think that if the tables were turned and relatives came out to us or shared something they were going thru, most of us here would be 100% supportive and accepting. Them with kindness and offering help.

[NB Adult]

4 hours ago, Oh_Kay said:

 

Very true statement. I have always dreamed of a big family where everyone is supportive and filled with unconditional love. Why does everyone try to control us with criticism or silence? 

 

I often think that if the tables were turned and relatives came out to us or shared something they were going thru, most of us here would be 100% supportive and accepting. Them with kindness and offering help.

 

Sadly parents often times think that they can control the direction of their children's lives and as the children go through their normal rebelious stages as they grow up, the parents in their frustration begin to loathe some of what they do and resort to love them on condition that they conform to the parent's wishes. Nothing is farther from the truth however, a parent can only instill family moral codes when they are very young, other than that the parent would be wise to realize that they are their own person and to back off and allow them to blossem into who they will eventually become. That's the difference between conditional and unconditional love.

[TommieAnne]

15 hours ago, Erikka said:

Why are family members our biggest pain. It seems that family feel they have a right to miss gender, obviously and purposely use dead names and always point out their antiquated and ignorant ideas of gender. Just ranting. These are my siblings and their children. One niece posts anti trans stuff on my FB page at every opportunity. Keeps referring to transgender as mental illness. If they weren’t family their FB page and Luca Brasí would sleep with the fishes. Only my family. 

Family has a way of knowing where your buttons are and when to push them to cause maximum crazy overdrive. FB is a hive of bizarre reposting anyway. You can always mute or unfollow someone without unfriending them, but posting on your "wall" I have no cure for. Except you can delete the post and claim innocence (I didn't see your post. Are you sure you posted it there?).

TA

[TTheta]

48 minutes ago, NB Adult said:

 

Sadly parents often times think that they can control the direction of their children's lives and as the children go through their normal rebelious stages as they grow up, the parents in their frustration begin to loathe some of what they do and resort to love them on condition that they conform to the parent's wishes. Nothing is farther from the truth however, a parent can only instill family moral codes when they are very young, other than that the parent would be wise to realize that they are their own person and to back off and allow them to blossem into who they will eventually become. That's the difference between conditional and unconditional love.

I know this all too well as I am in the "Rebelious stage" haha. My parents have told me on multiple occasions that my body isn't really mine until I am 18. I kinda feel like a plant that was stuck in a jar and then sealed. Of course life will still sustain in that jar, but the growth is limited. another thing that pops to mind is a bowling alley. Normally your parents are supposed to be your bumbers in childhood. My parents are bumbers alright, like 10 on each side and the ball won't even touch the lane. 

I hate that love is something they use against me like it is a privilege. 

My biggest supporter from my family was my younger brother and he recently moved away to his dad's house so this is whats left 

Dad- "MIlitary view", "You are not a guy until you have had the surgeries" and "Oh guys do this..." (To try and get me to do things he doesn't want to do, and if I tell him no he gets angry) 

Stepmom- Resembles a snake in my opinion, silent but deadly. She can act friendly but it's only a mask. 

Brother- Extremely anti-LGBT and about to join the Navy. Always calling me "Princess" or "Little Girl" Make me  want to punch him, but then it would only get me in trouble.

Don't know how I came to exist in a house of such anti-LGBT people, kinda crazy to think about 

[Just Lee]

Erikka, you're not alone.

 

I think many of us on here are going through a lot of the same things you are and guess what. We may not be blood, but this forum *IS* A FAMILY. We're family now. Supportive, positive, we got your back and totally understand family. 

 

My step mother drove away all of us kids from dad because she was jealous if he spent even a minute with us. We bonded with each other instead. Until my lil brother died of a heart attack in Feb of '18. He and I went fishing together and he was the only one in the family that had no problem with me being me. I'm totally estranged from my family and I think that makes things easier in many aspects. 

 

But seriously, this forum is far more of a family than my own flesh and blood. I like to think of the people on this forum as my real family, and that's a darn good thing.

[NB Adult]

1 hour ago, Aidan5 said:

I know this all too well as I am in the "Rebelious stage" haha. My parents have told me on multiple occasions that my body isn't really mine until I am 18. I kinda feel like a plant that was stuck in a jar and then sealed. Of course life will still sustain in that jar, but the growth is limited. another thing that pops to mind is a bowling alley. Normally your parents are supposed to be your bumbers in childhood. My parents are bumbers alright, like 10 on each side and the ball won't even touch the lane. 

I hate that love is something they use against me like it is a privilege. 

My biggest supporter from my family was my younger brother and he recently moved away to his dad's house so this is whats left 

Dad- "MIlitary view", "You are not a guy until you have had the surgeries" and "Oh guys do this..." (To try and get me to do things he doesn't want to do, and if I tell him no he gets angry) 

Stepmom- Resembles a snake in my opinion, silent but deadly. She can act friendly but it's only a mask. 

Brother- Extremely anti-LGBT and about to join the Navy. Always calling me "Princess" or "Little Girl" Make me  want to punch him, but then it would only get me in trouble.

Don't know how I came to exist in a house of such anti-LGBT people, kinda crazy to think about 

 

One thing is sure Aidan, your time under their control is now limited and before long you will be liberated from that control cocoon and fly away like a butterfly and live as the real Aidan. Bet you can do it standing on your head at this point, you ought to start a shorttimer's calendar.

[Mx.Drago]

We be swimming long till shore some further than others.

But love the Dorey fish song from Disney Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming." I can't watch that stuff anymore it hurts too much. Been stuck in child care has it's side effects. Clownfish change gender, but you can't have that in the movie....cuz reason not to be included cuz profit margins be messed up.

"Family friendly," till you find each to his own advantage, what can you help:shrug:. Missing out on family is sad, wish it were better but the torch pass could be worse than combersome, if not awkward. Carrying on to better days.

[Susan R]

11 hours ago, Oh_Kay said:

Very true statement. I have always dreamed of a big family where everyone is supportive and filled with unconditional love. Why does everyone try to control us with criticism or silence? 

 

I often think that if the tables were turned and relatives came out to us or shared something they were going thru, most of us here would be 100% supportive and accepting. Them with kindness and offering help.

I know this would be true of me..especially now.  I’d be the most supportive person they had in their life. I’ve changed in many ways, so much so, that I know that if I had to re-parent my children all over again, they’d likely turn out much better for it. But the past is past. We all learn from our mistakes (and from our parent’s mistakes too, as it turns out) 

 

6 hours ago, NB Adult said:

Sadly parents often times think that they can control the direction of their children's lives and as the children go through their normal rebelious stages as they grow up, the parents in their frustration begin to loathe some of what they do and resort to love them on condition that they conform to the parent's wishes. Nothing is farther from the truth however, a parent can only instill family moral codes when they are very young, other than that the parent would be wise to realize that they are their own person and to back off and allow them to blossem into who they will eventually become. That's the difference between conditional and unconditional love.

Excellent revelation, NB. I think that the world would be a much better place if parents (and possibly siblings and adult children too) used this as a base foundation for their parenting and relationships. Many of us try to influence people to be more like ourselves, at least some time in our lives...it’s human nature. Rarely though, if ever, does forcing anyone to conform through indoctrination, withholding love, discipline, shaming, or restrictions change them in a long term positive manner. Most of the time it builds resentment, stubbornness and can instill bitterness in time. In some cases, it causes one to run the other direction possibly disregarding common sense or logic. My late parents used all of these methods to try to control & steer my evolution. It was an epic failure. Now, my children are attempting to do the same. I am not allowing it to control my life and understand that I do not need their approval or support. I have found those things elsewhere.? Thanks guys and gals!

 

Susan R?

[NB Adult]

3 hours ago, Susan R said:

Rarely though, if ever, does forcing anyone to conform through indoctrination, withholding love, discipline, shaming, or restrictions change them in a long term positive manner. Most of the time it builds resentment, stubbornness and can instill bitterness in time. In some cases, it causes one to run the other direction possibly disregarding common sense or logic. My late parents used all of these methods to try to control & steer my evolution. It was an epic failure. Now, my children are attempting to do the same. I am not allowing it to control my life and understand that I do not need their approval or support. I have found those things elsewhere.? Thanks guys and gals!

 

Susan R

 

Exactly, we can't choose our family but thankfully we can choose our friends and in time they will become our family.

[Mmindy]

My family members are so wishy washy on the #LGBTQ issue. I've been married to my wife for 44 years next month. I have a lesbian cousin named Vic and her wife is Nancy they have been a couple for 42 years and only married recently. Everyone in the Family proclames love and pride for Vic and Nancy. Six years ago I asked my niece how she and her partner Jan were doing? She gasped with a panicked look and asked how I knew? I said Marcey, anyone looking at your Facebook page can figure that out. She pleaded with me not to out her until she's ready. I said you know most of your cousins already know? Only older family members not on Facebook are in the dark on this, including your parents. I committed to her that when she's ready to come out, I would stand with her. A few months later she asked me to join her and meet with her mom (my sister) and her dad as she came out to them. To say it didn't go well is an understatement. My sister got out the Bible and started praying frantically. Holding my niece I asked how my sister could proclaim love and affection for Vic and Nancy but reject her daughter? She screamed VIC ISN'T MY DAUGHTER! I called them hypocrites and left with niece. My my sister cut off all college funding Marcy and it was more than a year before they spoke. I worked with Marcey and convinced her that she could find funding without her mom and dad becoming a better person than they were. The old wounds are healing with the help of Vic, Nancy and few of my siblings. Now here I sit, the oldest person in my family, ready to push the closet door open declaring my Transgender Issues. I'm fairly sure how my Bible Thumping Sister will react, everyone else will have to prove they're not hypocrites. My son is Battalion Chief with the city fire department where I also use to work. His issues will be complicated. My daughter will want to dress me up and Drag me around to all of her friends places. My wife is a different story. I'm hoping she accepts me and helps me lay out a plan to slowly bring out the feminine side of me. We'll all know in a week or two when I come out to her. In my head, I feel good about telling her, because she was with me when we met Kristtin Beck, and watched her documentary Lady Valor. The discussion we had afterwards was very supportive. Now I'm wanting her to watch the Jenae Marie Kroc documentary Transformer, then I'll pour my heart out to her. Asking for her help me layout a plan to move forward. 

 

Love you all, families included.

 

Mindy???????

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

My wife is a different story. I'm hoping she accepts me and helps me lay out a plan to slowly bring out the feminine side of me. We'll all know in a week or two when I come out to her. In my head, I feel good about telling her

Enjoyed reading your comment, Mindy. My family was a mixed bag too...and plenty of hypocrisy across the board. I wish you the best on your coming out to your wife in the coming weeks.

Congratulations on your 44 years of marriage. I know what an accomplishment that is. I’m half way there at 22 years this Aug.  If you both come to a place of understanding and possibly acceptance, your marriage ties may become even stronger which might be hard to believe. My wife and I had what we thought was a great marriage but now we see just how much better it can get once all the secrets are out in the open. Our new closeness and openness with each other alone has made it all worth the effort.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[TTheta]

12 hours ago, NB Adult said:

 

One thing is sure Aidan, your time under their control is now limited and before long you will be liberated from that control cocoon and fly away like a butterfly and live as the real Aidan. Bet you can do it standing on your head at this point, you ought to start a shorttimer's calendar.

Hopefully this virus calms down enough for me to get outta here soon :)) My room is already pretty much packed and ready to go. 

[Oh_Kay]

8 hours ago, Susan R said:

My wife and I had what we thought was a great marriage but now we see just how much better it can get once all the secrets are out in the open. Our new closeness and openness with each other alone has made it all worth the effort.

 

I agree with this statement. I am not transitioning at this time, but coming out to my wife has made our marriage stronger. It seems like many wives instantly flip out when their husband comes out to them. I know it's a transition for them, but I wish they would step back, take a deep breath and think about it for a while before reacting and calling off the marriage. They may be getting a deeper more meaningful relationship! 

 

Kay

[Mmindy]

9 hours ago, Susan R said:

Our new closeness and openness with each other alone has made it all worth the effort.

My current therapy sessions are on Tuesdays, and my wife and I spend the evenings talking about my feelings about certain subjects of concern. So I see us coming closer together in that aspect. Thank you Susan.

 

1 hour ago, Oh_Kay said:

I know it's a transition for them, but I wish they would step back, take a deep breath and think about it for a while before reacting and calling off the marriage. They may be getting a deeper more meaningful relationship! 

Kay, pointing out that this isn't just a single person Transitioning in the family, buy the closest family members are as well.  I plan to present it as a couple transitioning not one individual. 

 

Love and hugs for everyone.

 

Mindy???????

[Mmindy]

7 hours ago, Aidan5 said:

My room is already pretty much packed and ready to go. 

Aiden and Aidan5,

I moved out of my parents house into my own home (one bedroom apartment)  when I was 19 years old. Like you I couldn't wait to get out from under "Their House, Their Rules!" as my father put it. It was 1976 and Great Jobs were around, good jobs were more common, and then there were the just over minimum wage jobs. $2.30 was minimum wage and my job paid $7.50 an hour. The actual dollars per hour we were paid back then is almost unbelievable by today's standards. No mater the job. You must be prepared to pay for a place to live. Shelter, food, transportation, along with a savings account. Find out these costs and make a budget. Stick to the budget including the practice of putting a few dollars every pay period into your "Rainy Day Fund Savings" because when you least expect it, something is going to break and you'll need money to fix it. I'm not going to lie, as exciting as it feels, it will be equally as scary at times. I never returned to my parents house to live, but there were many weeks where I only had few dollars to get through to the next pay period. 

 

Life is a team event, you can always ask for help.-MMoore 

Life is an open book test, you can use your resources to find the answer.-MMoore

Listen to your elder's advice. Not because they are always right but because they have more experiences of being wrong. -Karma 

 

The most important thing to remember is you are loved, valued, and irreplaceable to more people than you know. 

 

Best wishes,

 

Mindy???

[TTheta]

8 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Aiden and Aidan5,

I moved out of my parents house into my own home (one bedroom apartment)  when I was 19 years old. Like you I couldn't wait to get out from under "Their House, Their Rules!" as my father put it. It was 1976 and Great Jobs were around, good jobs were more common, and then there were the just over minimum wage jobs. $2.30 was minimum wage and my job paid $7.50 an hour. The actual dollars per hour we were paid back then is almost unbelievable by today's standards. No mater the job. You must be prepared to pay for a place to live. Shelter, food, transportation, along with a savings account. Find out these costs and make a budget. Stick to the budget including the practice of putting a few dollars every pay period into your "Rainy Day Fund Savings" because when you least expect it, something is going to break and you'll need money to fix it. I'm not going to lie, as exciting as it feels, it will be equally as scary at times. I never returned to my parents house to live, but there were many weeks where I only had few dollars to get through to the next pay period. 

 

Life is a team event, you can always ask for help.-MMoore 

Life is an open book test, you can use your resources to find the answer.-MMoore

Listen to your elder's advice. Not because they are always right but because they have more experiences of being wrong. -Karma 

 

The most important thing to remember is you are loved, valued, and irreplaceable to more people than you know. 

 

Best wishes,

 

Mindy???

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to write this, I really appreciate it :)) 

 

Every penny I make I put towards my savings, of course I am currently looking for a job but it's even harder now with the Corona Virus, because my stepmom won't even let me go outside. I was looking for jobs on base, since I live on base. I am also moving in with my aunt and I already have an internship lined up for summer. :))

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Aidan5 said:

I am also moving in with my aunt and I already have an internship lined up for summer. :))

That’s good Aidan5, Internships are a great way to get your foot in the door for a good job. You are among friends here and can always bounce ideas off of any of us. 

 

Best wishes, 

 

Mindy???