I'm New and Unfamiliar

[mixmarch]

Hi! Thanks for reading.
One thing for sure I know about my identity is that I'm pansexual. But while I've found people with varying identities attractive, I've never wondered about my own. I've tried reading some articles (nothing academic though) to try and understand myself, but the answers I got felt too fluid. I was looking for concrete answers, and maybe that's where I'm approaching this incorrectly. But either way, I'm hoping that I can learn more here and nail down some sense of identity.

My sex assigned at birth was female. Right now, I'm in the closet about being non-binary, but that label doesn't feel like it fits. The fact that I don't want to identify as male or female fits, but when I think about myself in a "dream circumstance", I imagine myself to be as male presenting as possible. Sometimes I want a the male sex organ, too, but I still wouldn't want to be called a man. I want a beard, I want a flat chest, and under those circumstances I would feel comfortable in a dress. That feels odd for me to say though, because I would never wear a dress/skirt in my current female presenting state, and I'm under the impression that non-binary equals androgyny.

I hope that's enough information to start a conversation!

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, MixMarch.  That is certainly enough information to start a convo, and you write very well.  There is plenty enough information here for you to begin figuring things out, but a real in depth exploration might require the assistance of a gender therapist or counselor.  In the meantime, please look around this and other forums, ask questions and get to know our fine staff and members.  We're a really good bunch of folks.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and welcome MixMarch!

I was born AFAB and started off wanted to present more male. But not so sure bout letting all of it go. But I'm pretty sure now in my indentity, though it still varies between people. But a good therapist in the field should definitely help you get started and this be a good library of resources.?

[KayC]

Welcome MixMarch, and nice to meet you.

You've found a great Forum to explore your feelings through the experiences of others here.  Most either have/had, or are going through the same internal search for answers.
Happy you joined us .. and hope to hear more from you soon❣️

[mixmarch]

Thanks for helping me feel welcomed ❤️

[Susan R]

On 6/8/2020 at 7:44 PM, mixmarch said:

when I think about myself in a "dream circumstance", I imagine myself to be as male presenting as possible. Sometimes I want a the male sex organ, too

Welcome @mixmarch and thank you for telling us a little about yourself.  It’s a good thing to reach out when you have pressing issues that are hard to not only articulate but finding someone who might be able to relate. You’ve come to the right place for sure. Most of us arrived here with similar questions and ‘need for advice’ as yourself. This site has been very helpful for me and many others over the years.

 

I can relate to some of what I quoted from your post. One part in particular is the dreaming. I dream all the time. Back before starting my transition, I always had a subplot running around the main plot of whatever dream I was conjuring at the moment. In nearly all my dreams, I had breasts and was wearing a bra under my male shirt. That was the only predominantly feminine thing I recall in most of my dreams. Sure...on occasion, I was completely dressed up female but most dreams had me presenting male with the breast and bra subplot I just described. This subplot in almost every dream seemed to end with me being ‘found out’ by family or friends. At that point, I would wake up enough to end that particular dream scenario.

 

The issue of being trans was obviously very deep for me. It was such a common theme in my dream life. Interesting to me is this fact, that since transitioning and being completely out and open about being a woman, my current dream life is probably not too different from that of most cis females. There’s no secret subplot of hiding an aspect of my gender identity like there was in nearly every dream prior to transition. I’m  always Susan in all of my dreams now and it’s quite nice. One interesting note...even when I dream about my old business and working in the art industry (which is a common theme for me), I am my current self as Susan in those past parts of my life and no one seems to notice. The brain is a truly amazing thing.

 

Well, sorry for the long ramble. I hope to read more about you in the near future. You probably have much more to share and I for one know I would enjoy it.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Astrid]

On 6/8/2020 at 10:44 PM, mixmarch said:

I'm under the impression that non-binary equals androgyny.

If you're referring to appearance, an androgynous appearance is only one of many possible ones. For me, who was AMAB and consider myself non-binary, what makes me comfortable when presenting has changed over time, and I expect it to further change. Clothing is the primary vehicle of expression for me; most days recently I'm wearing 85% to 100% womens outfits, though not dresses. Wearing predominately masculine clothes nowadays is uncomfortable for me and I avoid it. Makeup and hair styling can also play significant roles in how one presents, of course -- no news there!

 

Bottom line: Non-binary accommodates a large range of expression. Many, including me, have concluded that figuring out what is comfortable for me on my gender journey rather than changing my behavior to fit definitions and labels is the best course forward.

 

Best wishes and good luck as you move forward, 

 

Astrid