Restroom Deportment

[NB Adult]

When in public I use whichever restroom is available and most convenient. When sitting on the commode in the privacy of a stall in the woman's room it is important to consciously keep feet and knees as close together as possible and is absolutely a must if dressed in female attire. Sitting with knees wide apart is typically male mode and will get you clocked instantly by other women in the room. Men using a public restroom rarely if ever make eye contact or talk to anyone, they take care of business and get out, some don't even wash their hands *ugh*. Women on the other hand will make eye contact, smile and some even tend to be chatty. They will adjust their skirt or a bra strap that's slipping off her shoulder and while washing at the sink will check her hair and makeup in the mirror. It's an opportune time to chat with whoever is next to her and is robably a situation best avoided if your voice is going to out you. 

[VickySGV]

Luckily, most women's rooms and the All Gender rooms coming along have doors that close and hide your "leg spread", so improvement is on the way there.  Close them and latch them as if you have been doing it all your life.  A warm confident smile and a bit of chuckle when you are spoken to takes care of 90% of any attempted communication aimed your way. Nodding in agreement or looks of sympathy  and similar emotions also pass there when your voice could give you away.

[Patti Anne]

This has been on my mind a lot, since in the immediate future Shawna and I will be driving to the west coast from Vermont. I'm certain that somewhere on our 3000 mile trek, we will need to use the bathroom. I've never been "out" for extended periods in clothing which accurately reflects my gender ID. This will be for 5 days nonstop. Baptism by fire. So needless to say, I'm sure I'll experience all kinds of adventures during that time, including using the women's restrooms. (I'm certainly not going to use the men's room, as that would spell certain conflict, especially driving through places like Utah.

 

I'm sure it sounds silly to be worried by what's seemingly such a small thing, but I like to avoid trouble when and where I can. I'd be happy to hear any tips/suggestions/input, no matter how obvious they might seem.

[Emily michelle]

In all honesty I don’t think anyone would notice. I would just go in act normal, do your business and leave. When I’m out with my wig on I use the women’s restroom and no one has said anything. I had one instance on Saturday I had to use the restroom. I wasn’t wearing my wig because it was like 93 and 90% humidity. There was no doubt that I was a guy in women’s clothes. I ended up holding it I know it’s not good to do that but I was freaking out lol. I’m sure a lot of this is in our heads and we tend to overthink it, but I don’t think you will have a problem at all. 

[Willow]

@Patti Anne just go in like you’ve been there all your life but don’t forget to wipe.  If anything is going to give you away, it’s not wiping.

 

Willow

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Patti Anne said:

(I'm certainly not going to use the men's room, as that would spell certain conflict, especially driving through places like Utah.

 

You two traveling together is a big PLUS. Women, including us, get our best mileage using the buddy system on the restroom thing. Even if you look a little unkempt it goes with the travel territory.  Be watchful and show you are a team and it will reduce possibilities for negative comment.  It is woman behavior to do it that way. 

[Mx.Drago]

Should be a big rule of law, when nature calls you at least can use the public facilities, a toilet is still a toilet. I don't understand urinals... I find, hole in the ground, fine, terrifying, but it works.  For the basic dignity of being human you should be allowed to relieve yourself at functional facility.

[Tori M]

@Patti Anne, I can't see you or Shawna having any problem, you both look so female. 

 

Being together is a big plus.  Really, really try not to be nervous.  Think, "It's just a bathroom.  I'm just like all of these women.  This is where I go."  No one's ever said anything bad to me in the ladies room, but I had a handful of "looks" early on.  I couldn't tell if the look was about my behavior, appearance, or simply that being taller stands out a little.  I told myself it was the latter.  Don't worry, no one's ever pointed and yelled "Tra**y".  Most women would never be that rude.  I was a bit shaky at first but gained confidence with every visit.  After a while you won't even think about it.

 

Be sure to wash your hands at the sink; walking straight out draws attention, at least it did the couple of times I did it (I got extra nervous and needed to escape fast).  Act a little hurried (but not too much), look at the mirror with some kind of intention and you'll attract less chit chat.

 

Along interstate highways I like McDonalds.  Except in heavy urban areas, they are usually clean and seldom more than 1 other person in there.  Highway rest stops are usually ok but not for me if they are backed up.  I don't like standing in line; it gives people too much time to evaluate you.  Also, someone might think it weird if you and Shawna aren't chatting.  Until I got my new voice, my partner would chat and I just smiled and nodded.

 

Somewhere online there is a datamap of "Safe Restrooms" that you can reference to plan ahead if that helps (I'll try to find that for you).

 

If I ever do have a bad encounter I have a prepared response:  "Well, I certainly can't use the men's room, have you seen the stalls in there?!", with a smile in my best mildly sarcastic but not angry voice.  Them: "But you're a man!"  Me: "No, I USED to be man but I don't have the equipment anymore."  What are they gonna do, check?  Thankfully, I've never had to use that.

 

Attire:  For traveling, pull on pants, sweatpants or a skirt are more convenient.  Along the highways I notice many travelers dress down now-a-days.  You're in the car all the time so who cares what you're wearing.

 

One last topic... sitting... I was taught most women don't sit on public toilets, we "hover".  I don't know how universal that is, but I see a lot of wet seats that I don't want to wipe down, so...when in Rome.  Try it at home first.

 

Again, I don't think the two of you have a thing to worry about.  Act confident and familiar and no one will give you a second glance.  And oh... remember you said "...even if it's obvious"...  Be sure to use your fingertips.  No man-handling the faucets, lol.

[Tori M]

Online safe restrooms map:

https://www.refugerestrooms.org/

[ShawnaLeigh]

I told Patti Anne I would go with her if need be and will. Like mentioned it’s very lady like to do tests room in team mode.  
If we need to ask for a key I will do that. By the end of a 5 day trip she will be an old pro.  
I use the ladies room all the time and I even strike up conversations and just yesterday I was in one washing my hands next to a woman who knew me as Shawn.  No issues. Good chat and then we both went on our way.  
Confidences is your best Tool and  ability when your transgender.  Find it as fast as possible and use it often. 

[Patti Anne]

Excellent point regarding confidence. Other women, and people in general will pick up on that confidence (or lack thereof) immediately and the impression will stick going forward.

[Jackie C.]

Smartphones help too. I have a "Refuge Restrooms" app on my phone that points you to the unisex bathrooms near you. I don't need it now, because I'm in compliance with Michigan Bathroom Laws (unfortunately a real thing), but it was helpful when I was still packing and needed to pee.

 

Before that, I just teamed up with my wife. I couldn't very well use the men's room like I do, so she and I would go in pairs. At one point she guarded a door for me. There were two stalls. One had a lock, but the woman in there was... I feel nothing but pity for her from the sounds alone. You don't want whatever she was having... I got barged in on anyway, but my stance was such that she couldn't see anything and we emerged unscathed.

 

Hugs!

[Emily michelle]

Do they sell confidence on eBay because I need some lol!

[Jackie C.]

I think this is a, "Fake it until you make it," situation. The first couple of times, I was quietly terrified, but I went in, did my business, washed up and went on my way. Now it's completely second nature. Waiting in line is still kind of a drag though.

 

Hugs!

[Charlize]

Confidence came to me one pee at a time.  Crossing the country in a camper van with my wife was a final step in self confidence especially as showers as well as potties existed in each campsite.  As i was new to HRT and pre surgery each restroom presented a different challenge.  Today it is simply a non issue and i enjoy chatting and primping with the other women.  Journeys start with one step.  Odd how that is sometimes the hardest step to make.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Sally Stone]

Excellent pointers and comments from everyone, but I'd like to add one other item of importance.  As ladies we carry purses, and in the ladies room there are hooks in the stalls so we don't have to set our purses on the floor.  When I was first coming out, my wife often accompanied me to the restroom and in one situation we occupied adjoining stalls.  After we finished and were back at our table in the restaurant I got a very important lecture on where purses are supposed to be hung while doing our business.

[Willow]

All great advice.  I would prefer Family facilities but rarely find them on the road.  In that case I just push everything aside and join the women if that’s how I appear.  Being older I can get away with a lower pitch breathy voice so that’s what I use.  No way I can raise it any because I had laryangial cancer and radiation but then again I can always truthfully say that if questioned.  First time is the hardest and you will likely not remember all the good advice but don’t be afraid, just go.

Cant wait to hear all about your trip.

 

Willow

[KathyLauren]

13 hours ago, Tori M said:

One last topic... sitting... I was taught most women don't sit on public toilets, we "hover".  I don't know how universal that is, but I see a lot of wet seats that I don't want to wipe down, so...when in Rome.  Try it at home first.

 

LOL, I am still a bit swollen down there, so there is no possibility of aiming.  If I hovered, I'd have to wipe down the stall walls! ?

[Jackie C.]

26 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

 

LOL, I am still a bit swollen down there, so there is no possibility of aiming.  If I hovered, I'd have to wipe down the stall walls! ?

 

Oh my yes. I'm still pulling up and to the left. I'd wet someone else's pants.

 

Hugs!

[Tori M]

2 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

As ladies we carry purses, and in the ladies room there are hooks in the stalls so we don't have to set our purses on the floor.

 

That reminds me... tip #137... don't forget your belongings you put on the hook!  I went shopping one day at a mall.  Left a store with a bag, went directly to the ladies room, hung my shopping bag on the hook and forgot all about it.  I went back within minutes but of course it was gone.  I owned those clothes for less than 10 minutes, haha.

[Emily michelle]

47 minutes ago, Tori M said:

 

That reminds me... tip #137... don't forget your belongings you put on the hook!  I went shopping one day at a mall.  Left a store with a bag, went directly to the ladies room, hung my shopping bag on the hook and forgot all about it.  I went back within minutes but of course it was gone.  I owned those clothes for less than 10 minutes, haha.

I did that in a dressing room once luckily I went back and it was still there.

[VickySGV]

Do clean up your toilet seats.  I have always sat, sometimes with a fanny gasket*, sometimes not, but I do use a couple more sheets of T/P to wipe down the seat.

 

 

*paper seat protector in a dispenser on the wall.

[NB Adult]

Excellent conversation ladies, we can all learn a lot from each other's experiences and the tips are invaluable.

[Cheyenne skye]

I have a couple of encounters to mention.

About 2 years ago I was at work and was using the ladies room (employees use the same facilities as the customers). While I was washing my hands, an older woman came in and gave me a dirty look. I brushed it off and went back to work. A few minutes later a co-worker asked if I was alright. I was like, yeah, why? It turned out that the woman made a complaint to my manager. Apparently she didn't approve of me using the  ladies. But my manager told her it didn't matter what she thought as both him and the company are all for 'diversity' and if she didn't like it, she could go elsewhere. 

The other instance was when I was at the  mall a couple years ago. I was using the restroom near the food court. They have those auto flush toilets. As I went to sit down, it went off with enough force that the water shot out of the toilet and went right into my pants at my ankles. Luckily it looked clean before I  started. I soaked up as much as I could with toilet paper but I still looked like I peed myself. ? Thankfully I was wearing a long shirt. So watch out for that sort of thing. 

[ToniTone]

Early in my transition, I still used the men's room. But it quickly became scary and invalidating. So I would look for gender neutral restrooms, hold it or avoid going out. Then one day I went out with some friends and had to go, so I non-chalantly walked in and used the women's restroom. And have been doing so ever since. I'm pretty passing now. I do still get the occasional stare down, but I haven't had any problems yet.  

 

Yes, confidence, sitting down and not manspreading is key. Try not to look nervous either, people sense that. You're just going in to use a bathroom, not giving a speech. You have the right to be there. 

 

There's a rare occasion I use the men's room. Like when I'm doing yard work in jeans and a beater and have to go out and run an errand. But even so, hrt has greatly feminized my appearance, I almost pass even when I'm not made up and sloppy. 

 

~Toni