Feeling like not belonging there

[Tara.S]

Hello,

I’ve been discussing with my sister about the whole process of transition in general. One thing I know is that I truly want to be a woman. However, my sister scared me in a way about the changes not only of myself but of my surrounding as well. She does support me in a way but she’s not ready to make problems with our family by sticking to my side to which I understand and i might not meet her husband and children since she doesn’t want them to be exposed to me. This is not the problem.

I’m just scared, mostly terrified of what’s awaiting for me. I just want to cry and disappear, and this is the only place where I felt accepted the most. Can anyone explain and help me please? Thank you in advance and apologies for the inconcenience ??

[KayC]

Hi Tara

I'm scared too.  My wife is scared too.  Its scary!  I know.  But mostly I think its fear of the unknown.  Fear of how others will react, fear of being shunned and rejected by not only society but those closest too us.  Those are all unknowns until you actually transition.

But, go back to what you said

1 hour ago, Tara.S said:

One thing I know is that I truly want to be a woman.

This is not an Unknown.  In fact you said its the "One thing" you know (me too).  So, lets start there.  You cannot really control the rest of the Unknowns, and some of them may never actually happen. 

I predict a long list of more replies and experiences from other Members to follow, giving you their story of how they overcame similar fears.  I am in the same place as you, so I think we can both benefit from their experiences. 

Thank you for sharing your feelings ... Deep breaths .. one step at a time.

[Tori M]

On 6/11/2020 at 3:25 AM, Tara.S said:

However, my sister scared me in a way about the changes not only of myself but of my surrounding as well.

 

Can you elaborate?  How does this relate to your thread title, "Feeling like not belonging there"?  Belonging where?  In a woman's world?  I understand the translation makes this more difficult.  I can only hope that my words translate for you.

 

No one would argue that transition is not scary.  I think it's one of the scariest things anybody could do in any lifetime.  Fear of the unknown, fear of danger posed by others, fear of losses, fear of our ability to complete the journey, fear of our ability to cope with the new feelings, fear of not being accepted, fear of transition not fixing our "problem", fear of change... lots and lots of fears.  What we come up against is this: is our fear stronger than our desire to resolve this nagging discord in ourselves?

 

The fear is huge, but year after year of the nagging from our non-congruence gets heavier and heavier.  At some point, the need for congruence overrides our fears and we start our journey to resolve it all.  The fears are still there, but we find ways to push it aside in our desperate attempt to move forward in finding our true selves.  Fear's biggest enemy is knowledge.  You have already taken steps to conquer the fear by joining us here in the quest for knowledge.  Gaining knowledge takes time and experimentation, that's why we go in slow steps on our journey.  Slowly, as your knowledge and understanding grows, you will develop an arsenal to deal with each of your fears. Some days there is a war going on in my head; assaults on my sanity, battles for supremacy, bombs of realization detonating so loud my ears ring.  Unfortunately, that is our life.  We simply HAVE to win out over the fears.  Maybe it won't turn out perfect, maybe it won't be like we thought/hoped, but we cannot turn back because we know what awaits us back there... the incessant nagging that tries to completely destroy us.

 

@Tara.S, a crucial step in this process is to decide if we're willing to make sacrifices to become real.  No real growth in life comes without some sacrifices, and transitioning unfortunately means there WILL be some major sacrifices.  The obviously huge one is that our family might disown us.  Which is more important... love of family or being true to one's self?  I answer that question with a simple old [western] axiom:  You cannot love others until you love yourself.  What use am I to someone else if I'm not really me?  I don't want to be a ghost.  I don't want loved one's thinking I'm somebody I'm not.  I remind myself of this every time I get down on myself and start feeling like I've made a mistake or that this is too hard and I want to quit.  I can't let myself go to the grave knowing I did not accomplish the one most important thing in life... to learn to love myself.  That seems to help a lot with squelching all of those fears.  At least for a while.

 

I hope maybe I have hit on something here that helps answer your question.  If I missed the mark, please try to elaborate on what you're feeling and fearing, ok?  And, by the way... crying is just fine!  Crying provides relief from intolerable stress and often allows us to see things in a new light.  Crying can be a good thing; embrace it.  Besides, if you start taking female hormones you'll be doing a lot more of it, haha.

 

Big Hugs ❣️

[Carolyn Marie]

Tara, fear and uncertainty are part and parcel of transition.  I've met few who didn't feel one or the other or both.  But it is not up to your sister or anyone else to say where you belong or what you should do.  Your statement that your sister supports you "in a way" does not jibe with your statement that she doesn't want to expose her children to you.  What is she afraid of, that they might "catch" transgender from you, or that they wouldn't understand?  If they are old enough to be afraid, they are old enough to understand, and that is entirely dependent on what your sister (and you) tells them, or doesn't tell them.  Young children "get it" far better than most people think.  They simply don't see it as much of an issue.

 

Transition is complicated and most trans people live complicated lives.  That applies to me, certainly.  But complications do not = unhappiness and doesn't imply that terrible things will happen.  Whether you decide to transition should be your decision alone, but that doesn't mean you should shut everyone else out.  You should have a gender therapist to confide in and guide you.  You should have supportive family help you.  But help doesn't include the right to scare you, bully you, or pull away from you if you don't do as they tell you.

 

There is much you can do to help educate your sister and others about what transition is, and isn't.  Sit with them, talk with them, but in the end, do what is right for YOU, not what they think is right for THEM.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Mx.Drago]

Noticed your home flag! Not sure how life is where you are, but it's home and I wish it becomes better for you there. It's fine to be yourself, just try not to jump into things unless you have well financed backup plans, and be mindful of your steps. Being scared is ok, the world isn't always the friendliest, but there are places you can go to, maybe not now physically, but you'll have time before certain things can be done. At least you know yourself, and you have your sister as a semi-ally. I'm sorry your sister won't introduce you to her family and I hope it never becomes a problem. Just be careful and stay safe out there. You belong on this earth just like anybody else. It's just some people have to fight and be more stubborn to keep there place than others. It's only in our persistence to exist despite the waves that threaten us we stand to earning our place. It's not an easy journey, but if you know what you want, you just need to create a path to success and lots of work. This site is at least a good start. So please don't be too afraid but aware of what you look forward to.