Am I Alone On This?

[Abi]

So I have an HRT story that I have never heard anyone else say they've experienced. I want to share this because it has always bothered me.  

 

     About ten years ago my ex and I could not seem to have a second child. Nothing was working and after a while it was discovered that I had extremely low testosterone. The problem I had was that, I loved how I felt. So even though I was happy this way and even said so many times, I was given an ultimatum to get treatment or the marriage was over. The doctor agreed with the ex and said this was necessary for my health or I would suffer a lot of medical issues. I felt cornered and very manipulated to say the least. I would have been happier getting the HRT to be more feminine at that time. I said this one time and that caused a great deal of problems. I was just saying what I felt. The ex and the doctor said at the time I was not thinking clearly due to the low T. I look back at that moment with absolute regret. Was my body trying to change to how I truly felt on it's own? What does a person do when they feel cornered. Fight or fold. I am no fighter. Never was. I just let this treatment be done and struggled with the feeling it gave me for the entire time I was taking the medicine. Once I was able to have our child, I stopped the treatment against everyone's wishes. I said they got what they wanted and I had no reason to keep doing something I hated. It was like driving the wrong way up a road and knowing it. I very rarely have spoken of this because I thought maybe they were right. Maybe I really was not supposed to want this. Maybe I was wrong for wanting this. I certainly had no support for my own happiness and was isolated from anyone that could have helped me feel right with who I really am. I do love my children dearly. I could never regret them. They are wonderful. It is very difficult to explain any of these emotions in words. I don't know if anyone else can relate or maybe even had an experience like this. I think of all places I could try to share something like this, it is here. It was not easy to write about this at all. I may even come to regret hitting the submit button later but this question lingers in my mind always. 

 

So my question is. Am I alone on this?  ~Abi~

[Jackie C.]

Well, way back in the 80's (I was twelve) my mother started feeding me steroids. Ostensibly it was to control my allergies (which I believe to an extent because on the absolutely heroic dose of steroids I'm asymptomatic and she didn't have to take time away from what she was doing for doctor's visits). As a total aside, she gave me THREE TIMES the accepted MAXIMUM DOSE for humans on this drug. It's a wonder my heart didn't explode.

 

Anyway, while I enjoyed being able to breathe it really didn't do anything for my gender dysphoria. I kept having the feeling that I would have made a terrific girl. I was extraordinarily protective of women. I really wanted to be one and I didn't like the idea of anybody hurting them. I still don't. All that happened with huge quantities of testosterone. The funny thing is that even WITH all that poison floating through my body, I was still a super-late bloomer.

 

I realize that's not exactly the same thing. I got pressured into taking something I didn't want for the convenience of somebody else. There are no children of my own in my life. I realized early on that between my health problems and my lack of good parenting examples, a kid was a terrible idea. I feel a little resentful that I was forced into it, though it probably resulted in my marriage and I wouldn't want to trade that for anything.

 

So yeah, I got bullied and that was probably abuse by someone who was supposed to take care of me. Something good came out of it, but I'll always wonder what things might have been like if people took my feelings into consideration. I can't really know. All I can do is soldier on and make the best of the situation I've got instead of spending all that time on might-have-been. Unless it's good fodder for a story. I can jump all over that. ?

 

Hugs!

[SaraAW]

@Abi and @Jackie C., I’m sorry you both had to go through those things. I wish could do more than just give you virtual hugs. Hugs!

 

It could have happened to me, if I hadn’t  fought for myself. 

 

When I went to start HRT, my baseline test came back with moderately low T. My wife still believes that if I had gone and got T and not E, I wouldn’t be this way. She wanted me to rule out every medical cause for me being transgender. She hasn’t brought this up in sometime, so I am not sure if it’s still how she thinks. She had brought this up many times early after my coming out and I delayed starting hrt for 2 months because of it. 
 

I can tell you I started feeling better than I have ever felt within a few short days of taking HRT. It is the first time I’ve felt “right” in a long time. 
 

My wife and I never actively tried to get pregnant, but we did nothing to not. She looks on my HRT sterilization as the last nail in coffin for chances of her getting pregnant, even though we said we wouldn’t actively try due to her health several years ago. It is only very recently, during one of our “conversations “ where I mostly cried and felt that she did not want me to be me, while she expressed she wanted everything to go back to before I told her I’m trans, that I learned that when she was much younger, she had an abortion and has never gotten over it and now I took her redemption away. I felt honoured that she was able to share that with me, but a bit betrayed that she did it in the way / timing she told me. 

I was never tested for my fertility, nor was she,  so I don’t even know if I could have gotten her pregnant. She is also 45, so it would have been so risky for her and the baby even if she could have. 

[Erikka]

This sounds so familiar. Before marriage I had a lot of unprotected and no birth control sex with a lot of women and never got one pregnant. I never thought of the consequences. I never got anyone pregnant. Got married and no birth control was used and it took two years to get my wife pregnant. When DD1 was two my ex announced that it was time to work of child #2. Nothing after two years I got tested. Very, very low sperm count and low testosterone. I got put on T and hated it. As soon as DD2 was born I got off T.

I often think maybe it affected my future transition to female  because of the large doses of T. I don't know, but maybe. Anyway, the things we do to please others so very often hurt us in more ways than just messing with us psychologically.

[Abi]

13 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I realize that's not exactly the same thing. I got pressured into taking something I didn't want for the convenience of somebody else.

From my point of view this is almost exactly the same. This person was a constant threat to my well being and should have tried to understand me better, even if they didn't agree. 

 

13 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

So yeah, I got bullied and that was probably abuse by someone who was supposed to take care of me. Something good came out of it, but I'll always wonder what things might have been like if people took my feelings into consideration.

I was with them for so long. They treated me bad in so many ways that I never really feel like their hatred and control over me has ended. I have been getting help since I finally found a way to get them away from me. It's been over a year and I'm still really struggling. It really sucks when someone has so little concern for your happiness. I could not live with myself if I treated anyone the way I have been.

 

13 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

All I can do is soldier on and make the best of the situation I've got instead of spending all that time on might-have-been.

I really like how positive you always are. You always seem to turn negative into positive in most of your posts that I've read. Maybe I will feel more like that some day.

[Abi]

9 hours ago, SaraAW said:

She wanted me to rule out every medical cause for me being transgender. She hasn’t brought this up in sometime, so I am not sure if it’s still how she thinks. She had brought this up many times early after my coming out and I delayed starting hrt for 2 months because of it. 

This is a control issue in my opinion. No one should ever be pressured to do things against their wishes

 

9 hours ago, SaraAW said:

It is only very recently, during one of our “conversations “ where I mostly cried and felt that she did not want me to be me, while she expressed she wanted everything to go back to before I told her I’m trans, that I learned that when she was much younger, she had an abortion and has never gotten over it and now I took her redemption away. I felt honoured that she was able to share that with me, but a bit betrayed that she did it in the way / timing she told me. 

I know those "conversations" too well. They really shouldn't blame you for taking their opportunity away.

[Abi]

8 hours ago, Erikka said:

Anyway, the things we do to please others so very often hurt us in more ways than just messing with us psychologically.

Sad but true. 

[Mia Marie]

We all feel like we are on this journey alone. Yet we are not alone as long as we stand together and support one another. No matter the circumstance, the journey is our own but each step does not have to taken alone. Sometimes a good word and emotional uplifting is all you need. I am starting my journey next week and I have all the hopes it will be a good journey. All you have to remember is that with ever gain there must also be a loss. For every good there is a bad. For every light there is a dark. For every life there is a death. The balance in life. As long as you have the faith to over come the down side you will always overcome.

[Abi]

27 minutes ago, Mia Marie said:

The balance in life. As long as you have the faith to over come the down side you will always overcome.

    Hello, Mia. There are certainly times I have worried over things I can't change. Faith has helped see me through those moments, I'm sure. My children are and will always be the positive of the place this post came from. The hardest part, for me, was feeling pressured to go the wrong direction, for myself, to achieve that. No one else wanted to hear how I felt. I was pretty clear about not wanting to do the treatments. Other people were pretty clear about how they would leave me for dead if I didn't cooperate. To be honest, they more or less did at the time anyway. It just took ten more years for me to finally accept that all hope and love had withered and blow away, lost forever. I have wonderful kids. I definitely focus on the light that shines from them, far more than the darkness. Thanks for taking the time to read and offer your thoughts. Also, best wishes as you begin your journey. I'm sure you will find many supportive people as you make your way forward.  ~Abi~