Just came out..and need to vent (trigger warning!)

[ash_ts_sad]

I am devastated! I've spent so many nights crying and wishing this wasn't real and hoping that it was just a phase and that I was just "confused". But I've recently finally accepted my truth - I am transgender. And I am not doing well at all. I do apologise to anyone who might find this post upsetting or triggering, but this is what goes through my head 24/7, and I am  desperate to talk to someone who can relate or who understands maybe a little bit.

I just wish I didn't exist. I didn't ask for this. I didn't sign up for any of this. -expletive- my parents for deciding to have a child just to spice up their pathetic lives! -expletive- this world and how shallow and vindictive and evil most humans are! There is no God! There can't be!! I will spit in his face if I ever meet him/her!

I am transgender, but I will never take any steps towards transitioning. I am in my mid 30's, and I am far too tall (6'8'') and I already attract enough attention out in public (due to my height) as it is, let alone if I presented female! I will never ever be able to "pass" or just "blend in the crowd". I am ugly as it is (as a "guy"), and can't even afford a nose job, let alone a FFS or any other procedures, for that matter. My voice is deeper than most men's (probably due to my height) and my existence is basically a curse. I am attracted to men and every single day of my life, I wish I wasn't! It's the worst! I am SO jealous of every single transwoman who is attracted to femininity. I wish I was! I have tried so many times, but the attraction (romantic or sexual) just isn't there! It must be such an amazing experience to be able to exist without craving male attention! I would absolutely love to try and be a straight/cis-gender person just for a day! It must be amazing! Living your life in a world that tailors and caters to you everywhere you go! Not having to spend years or decades figuring out who you are and why you are so different than everyone else.

I am jealous of every single trans woman who is attractive. I am jealous of any transwoman who is confident. I am jealous of every single transwoman who is shorter than me, braver than me, prettier than me (all of them). I am jealous of everyone who figured out their gender identity while they were young. I am jealous of trans people who can afford to transition. Jealous of your supportive families (those of you who are blessed enough to have that!). I am tired of thinking about this constantly 24/7. 

The only thing that keeps me going, is knowing that one day this will end. Every day I wake up, I am one day closer to the end. And the thought of that is tremendously comforting. My whole life is a lie. People at work think I am some kind of a smart/funny guy. Men call me "mate" LOL isn't that fascinating, in a way? Like, if only they knew! 
This post will probably get lost or taken down, but it was worth a shot! Shoutout to everyone who made it all the way here! I feel better already for even just putting all of this in writing! Thanks for listening! 

[Jackie C.]

Why on Earth would we take it down? You've got as much right to vent as any of us. Being trans is hard. Nobody here will dispute that.

 

So with that out of the way, I see this is your first post so welcome to TransPulse! Pleased to meet you and happy to have you here!

 

I've been where you are. Just counting down the days so it can be over. Well, mostly, I'm attracted to women but I don't see why that should make a difference. A woman (that would be you in this example) attracted to a man is perfectly normal and describes around ninety percent of humanity. The point being that nobody really bats an eye anymore if you happen to be attracted to the same sex. Nobody that matters anyway.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. My parents weren't exactly what you'd call a model relationship either. I get the kind of wounds that leaves behind. It's even worse if you're trans. That's why I talk to a therapist for an hour every week instead of calling home.

 

I wouldn't worry about your age either. I didn't start to transition until I was 48. I've given myself a few kicks in the pants for waiting so long but... well, the doctors said I'd be dead by 40. That didn't seem like so very long to wait and it felt safer than coming out and facing the consequences. I even tried to hasten things along by neglecting my health. Then one morning I woke up and said, "What am I doing to myself?" After that I started moving towards being the real me. That was very much the right course of action for me. I've been unfolding out of my cocoon ever since.

Like I keep telling my friends, "I ain't pretty. I ain't curvy. I have to be clever."

 

So now what? My advice to you would be to contact the NHS and get on the waiting list for a gender therapist. I'm fuzzy on how that works, but other members from your side of the Atlantic have mentioned that it can be a bit of a wait if you don't have the money for a private doctor. From there, explore being yourself. Look around you. Not all women are perfect supermodels. Some cis-women look manlier than I do. They're still women. So are you. You need be yourself and take whatever steps you can to be the best you that you can be.

 

Hugs!

[Dinaki]

Welcome to our forums dear

 

All of us here do have some dirty laundry that we carry on our shoulders dear friend, do try to be good at yourself.

 

You are family now and we love you, I hug you!

[Timber Wolf]

Hi ash_ts_sad,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

When we first accept being trans, it usually is devastating. At least it was for me. I felt so alone and hopeless. I can't afford any surgeries, hormones, or even electrolysis. I certainly don't pass. I spent each day pondering jumping off the tallest building in town. Surely nobody else knew or understood what life was like for me, so I thought.

 

That's when, out of desperation, I reached out to Transpulse (then Laura's Playground). Finding that I was not alone was a miracle! It gave me some kind of hope. I didn't have to live this on my own anymore. This is your first step here, and it's a good one. You are not alone with this anymore.

 

You mentioned being envious of confident trans women and such. I had zero confidence in anything when I first started out. Coming here and reading about everyone's struggles and journeys gave me confidence and courage to do things I never thought possible. When I started out, I never thought I could ever be Carla with my family. Now I am! I still can't pass. But I do dress as myself at home, and I've come to better know who and what I am regardless of how I happen to be dressed at the time. When I dress and look at myself in the mirror, no, I don't see a beautiful woman. But I see myself, myself as I am meant to be. As I truly am. It didn't happen over night. It took time, but it happened.

 

I've learned not to focus on what I don't have, but rather on what I do have. And that is something. Life does become more bearable. I've even learned to enjoy much of it. It does get easier than it is now.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[CammieT]

Hi Ash, I can totally relate to your post.

 

When I finally faced the fact that I am trans, I held a loaded gun to my head and contemplated pulling the trigger.  I really thought my life was over.   I felt ugly, ashamed, too tall, too masculine, too old.   I compared myself to all the pretty trans women and cis women, to whom I could never measure up.    I even have the worst curse for a trans woman, thinning hair!   Worse yet, I dreaded disappointing my family and everyone when they discovered the true me.

 

Yet, my Doctor and my therapist said I could still transition and be happy.   I just had to own who I am.   Not every woman is beautiful, not every woman loves her body.   In fact, most women are disappointed with aspects of themselves.  Look at what advertisers and the media do to promote the "ideal" woman!

 

You could transition and just own being a 6 ft 8 trans woman.   

 

Therapy helped me immensely, as well as having a very understanding family physician.   My physician said "let's try an experiment, that we can easily reverse, just so you will know."   She started me out on blockers only, just to see how it felt.   Then in a couple of months, we added low dose estrogen.   We ramped it up over several months.   It was a tough period but the key was I DID NOT WANT TO STOP. 

At that point, like you, I didn't have insurance that would help me.   Everything was out of pocket.

 

For three years I felt like the biggest loser and ugliest trans woman on the planet, but I kept at it.   My therapist said don't compare yourself.   Well, I finally got FFS 10 days ago and suddenly, I am starting to reveal what was hidden by testosterone.   

 

Look, you just have to decide do you want to go for being happy or not?   Living each day as a countdown to the end does not sound pleasant.   I can say, even with all my imperfections, I am the happiest I've ever been.   And you can be, too.   

 

...Even if being a 6'8 trans woman is in your future.

[Jani]

Hello Ash, welcome!  Lots of good comments by my friends.  The best one is to be you.  Being transgender is hard enough but when you are unsure of yourself it's harder.  As to your height, I know of several transgender women who are near to your height and they are confident and rock their world.  You can too.  I'm 6 foot (I've shrunk as I've aged) and so I notice tall women when I'm out and I'm here to tell you there are plenty!   Don't fret over height. 

 

OK so you crave male attention, a lot of women do so that's not bad or odd.  But you have to love who you are and let the rest of the world know it.  Try to take care of yourself first.  Focus on you.  As recommended, connect with your local NHS Gender Centre and get on their list.  Their website may have some helpful hints for you.  I know being here and conversing with others who are going through what you are experiencing is good for the soul.  Please join in the conversation.  Give it a try!!  I hope to see you around. 

 

Cheers, Jani

[Rorelai]

@ash_ts_sad being in your position certainly can feel daunting. I know even younger girls can feel like they should have transitioned sooner, but age doesn't disqualify you from getting to transition. The important thing now is that you're recognizing all of these feelings now, and what you do moving forward. You've got a whole lot of life ahead of you, and where you're at now doesn't necessarily reflect who you will be (or even what you'll look like) one, two, even ten years from now. 

 

Being tall is one thing that probably won't change a whole lot even if you do transition, but that shouldn't hold you back. In general I feel like being tall/short is kinda a "grass is always greener" thing. As much as you might want to be shorter, there's plenty of girls out there that would kill to gain a couple inches. That being said, if you can own your height you can use that to your advantage.

 

It sucks that we live in such a beauty-oriented society. Women especially are pressured to always be a bombshell. Something that might help you is to look into feminist theory and the concept of body-neutrality. If you can come to terms with the fact that your body just *is*, that'll help take off the pressure to look a certain way and the anxiety that you don't "fit in". 

 

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to men. Being dmab and liking guys can be stigmatized, and there's definitely a lot of internalized homophobia that I know personally I had to unpack as I came out and started my transition. For now though I'd recommend focusing inward and learning to love yourself before trying to get involved with anyone else. You accept the love you think you deserve, and when you're dealing with a lot of internal discomfort with yourself it's easy to fall into really toxic relationships. 

 

I wish you luck as you continue to work things out. This forum is a really awesome community, and there's plenty of people here that are willing to give advice/lend an ear. Don't hesitate to reach out!