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BorderTerrierFan

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Hello, I'm a 19 year old depressed girl from Merseyside. 

For a long time I've been unhappy with my body and this has resulted in severe bouts of depression and self harming.  I've felt embarrassed and ashamed with myself over the way I feel about my body and what others might think about me for being different.  I was worried about how my family would react to learning that I was unhappy with who I currently am.

In the last few days everything has come bubbling to the surface and I have found myself opening up about my feelings to the Mental Health Nurse at my local hospital.  As a result of this I've now opened up to my Mum and Dad about my unhappiness presenting as a female and my desire to present as male and they have been very understanding and supportive.

I've always liked wearing boys clothes and a couple of years ago I convinced my Mum to let me get my haircut short so it wasn't a great surprise for them to learn that I was unhappy presenting as a female.

My wish is to have surgery to have my breasts removed so that I can have a flat chest so that I look more like a male.

My Mum and Dad told me to have a look at a forum such as this one so that I can see for myself that I'm not alone in how I feel about my own inner self and identity. Hopefully being here I can get some sound advice about the actions I need to take to make this journey happen so I can find happiness and inner peace.

 

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome.  You are certainly not alone in your feelings.  Knowing only that helped when i first arrived here.  I'm glad you are now open and able to be honest with your family.  I am sure that therapy can help you as well.  I know that helped me with the guilt, shame and fear i felt just for being myself.  This journey to self acceptance can be hard but being with understanding others can be a great assistance.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi BorderTerrierFan,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

You are not alone anymore!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

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Welcome, BorderTerrierFan! and nice to meet you.

 

There are others on this Forum who are in very similar situations as yourself, so I hope you can connect with them soon. 

Also, it was a great sign of strength and courage to reach out to your mental health professionals, and I encourage you to continue with that support if you can.  Also, such good fortune to have loving and supportive parents.


Wishing you all the best❣️

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  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, BTF.  I'm glad that you're parents are being supportive and recommended that you search out places like this one.  I think you made a great choice, but then again, I'm biased.  ?  The journey is a long one (especially in the U.K.) so have patience but also be persistent in asking for what you need.  Look around the forums and ask all the questions that come to mind.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Welcome to the forum! 

I hope you will find what you need and want here. 

 

I haven't been in a depressed state as yourself, I'm sorry to hear you have gone through that. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to personally message me (or reach out to whoever on this forum!). 

I will, however, say that I do feel I am also perhaps not in the right body. (FtM? Transmasculine?) 

I am still figuring it out myself. It sounds you have a much clearer understanding already of yourself. 

 

Indeed, I suggest talking openly about it with people who are professionals and friends/family who are supportive. So it's great your parents are and even have suggested for you to reach out and be on a forum!

 

Good luck with your journey. 

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Thank you for the kind words and making me feel welcome here x

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19 hours ago, BorderTerrierFan said:

Thank you for the kind words and making me feel welcome here x

 

No problem, really! :) 

Take care, BorderTerrierFan. 

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Welcome BorderTerrierFan! I just came out to my parents very recently, so I know how tough that is, takes a lot of courage. It is great that yours were so accepting and sounds like they really care about you.  While I am working on transitioning the other way (MTF), as others have said here, you're not alone. We are all a big supportive and loving second family here. Hope you have a wonderful day! Hugs!

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    • RaineOnYourParade
      happy trans birthday! I can't speak personally on the subject, but I hope hormones bring you the changes you're looking for <3 
    • MaeBe
      That’s super healthy, to see that something that becomes common has less effect on you and that you are able to decipher these feelings.   Sadly, this trend tends to only deaden good feelings as we tend not to let bad feelings attenuate the same way.   I have noticed less euphoria, but still feel the dysphorias that I have. Sometimes the good sneaks in and reminds me, but often time it’s just me seeing myself in the mirror and being comfortable about what I see when embracing my realized self. I may not get the same buzz I once did, but I don’t feel incongruous when looking at a more “drab” reflection.    Wishing you strength, you are amazing!
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    • MaeBe
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      When I first started figuring things out, I got a lot more euphoria. Every time a friend would use he/they pronouns for me, I'd get this bubbly feeling, and seeing myself look masculine made me really happy. Dysphoric state felt more normal, so I guess I noticed the pain it caused me less.   Now, it's more just that my pronouns and such things feel natural, and dysphoria is a lot stronger -- I know what's natural, so experiencing the opposite is more jarring than everything. The problem is, most of my natural experiences are from friends, and I rarely get properly gendered by strangers, much less by my family. I've found myself unable to bind in months due to aches, colds,, and not wanting to risk damage.    It partially makes me want to go back to the beginning of my journey, because at least then I got full euphoria. I'm pretty sure it'll be like this until I medically transition, or at the very least get top surgery (you know all those trans dudes online with tiny chests? Not me, unfortunately). It's a bit depressing, but at least I know that, eventually, there's a way out of this.
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Major mood, right here ^^^    I've listened to Lumineers to a long time (a major portion of it by osmosis via my mom), so that is almost painfully relatable
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As for getting a button-up/formal pants suit, you can try to talk to her more -- Cis women in tuxes have worn tuxes in recent years, after all, (for example, Zendaya) so it can still be a relatively safe topic. For jumpsuits, I'd recommend going with a simple one with a blazer, if you can -- this'll make it look overall more masculine. There's a lot of good brands, but going for one without a lot of extra glitz on it will make it look less feminine under a blazer. I don't know many specific brands though since I usually just get my stuff from chain stores, sorry :<   When it comes to your hair, if you can't cut it, you can look up tutorials on fluffing it up instead. If you can pull it off, it can look a lot shorter and more androgynous instead!
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