Friendly Wave

[cybreraphael]

Hi all,

It's been a while since I've been on an actual web forum. Hello! My name is Raphael, I'm a 24yo trans-nonbinary Master of Divinity student from California, but I'll be moving across the country soon-ish to escape my awful home situation. I'm kinda bad at introductions, so I'll just say that I've been out as nonbinary since 2015 and my gender is really like this ethereal Eldritch angel that's described in the Hebrew bible somewhat. "Be not afraid" and all that! I identify heavily with cacti, archangels, and the cyber-world, for various reasons and various standpoints, inside and outside of gender. I figured out my gender before my sexuality, which is still up in the air to be honest. I'm trying to figure out where I stand with actually physically transitioning because in an ideal world, my body would not be human.

Outside of gender, I'm very shy and not at all outgoing. I prefer a small hangout with a couple friends with my cat playing video games or watching cartoons to big parties. I'm hoping to make more friends and be able to chat more about gender and the trans experience here! AMA anything on here, I probably missed a lot about me lol.

 

Thanks for reading!

[Susan R]

Welcome @cybreraphael, It’s a pleasure to meet you. Glad you found us and decided to hit the join button. There are many other nb folk here and plenty of information available on the subject here too. With a little effort and digging, you’ll likely find some of the topics that interest you...although I’m pretty sure there’s no subforum about cacti. You could always start your own thread in our general forum to see what turns up.

 

As to your asking an AMA question...Regarding gender, what was the first sign, event, thought, etc...that finally removed all doubt to you that you were unique...in a nb sort of way?

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[cybreraphael]

32 minutes ago, Susan R said:

As to your asking an AMA question...Regarding gender, what was the first sign, event, thought, etc...that finally removed all doubt to you that you were unique...in a nb sort of way?

 

Hmm, that's a good question! I remember always being uncomfortable with my hair. My hair was very long and my parents would say it's a sign of my "femininity" or whatever, and I never ascribed to that. When I moved into the college dorms and was able to cut my hair without the control of my family, it felt freeing, like I was cutting off ties to my AGAB. At the same time, I was exploring gender non-conformity both inside and outside of the classroom (Gender Studies major/ LGBTQ+ studies minor FTW!) all while continuing to explore my religious and spiritual viewpoints of life. The sort of solidifying piece of removal of doubt, I guess, was when in a 2am anxiety driven research on gender throughout online and offline history. I believe it was the same day I cut my hair short, or maybe a few days after. I sat and in a sort of prayerful realization, my deadname felt like it was shed off me like the long strands of hair off my head and I was anointed with my true name, honestly given to me by God: Raphael.

It was all overwhelming because it all happened at like 2am! Since then it was like a rock that just holds strong that I'm nonbinary, but the parts on identifying with cacti and archangels (kinda) and cyber-world, and seeing my gender as ethereal really comes later in life. My hair was a major part that was holding back my realization on my status as nonbinary.

Apologies if this was too religious, my identity is heavily tied to my spirituality/religion. I hope this answers your question!

[Susan R]

31 minutes ago, cybreraphael said:

My hair was a major part that was holding back my realization on my status as nonbinary.

Yes, your answer was even better than my question. Thank you for sharing this. It’s interesting that hair for you is a defining part of your “ah ha!” moment. For me it was one of the few things that caused me gender dysphoria too...in the opposite direction, of course.

I always wanted long hair but my parents always kept me in a very short military style crew cut. Maybe they knew more about me than I did. Today, living finally as myself, some of my more emotional experiences happened at the hair salon.  What is it about our hair that has such impact on our life? Is it’s importance something we learned thru societal indoctrination and propaganda or does it go even deeper?

 

Susan R?

 

[cybreraphael]

37 minutes ago, Susan R said:

What is it about our hair that has such impact on our life? Is it’s importance something we learned thru societal indoctrination and propaganda or does it go even deeper?

 

 

I feel like hair is one of the first things people notice on other people and instantly gender them to address them as. If someone were to never hear the other person's voice, or see other identifying characteristics of the person, but to just see they have long hair, they would make the assumption that they're a woman. It's really weird and messed up how that works, and how Western notions of gender that truly is because in other cultures around the world, different lengths of hair mean different for them. A part of my ancestry goes back to indigenous Oaxaca, Mexico, although I don't know much about it because of how divorced I am from my bio dad now, but growing up my grandmother from my dad's side took pride in her long, beautiful hair. She would mention there was cultural significance to it. I don't know if any male-identifying members of my dad's linage had long hair.

I do believe this idea of "short hair = man" "long hair = woman" dichotomy is a Western idea of gender, a very colonial way of looking at hair and gender. I think it goes very much deep, but I think societal indoctrination is like the tip of the iceberg to all this...

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Raphael, and thank you for the interesting introduction.  It sounds like you and me have similar personalities; I am not a party type either, and I'd much rather curl up in my easy chair with a book, Kindle or to watch a good movie.  Please look around and post wherever you find something interesting.  We'll be here in case you have a question.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[SaraAW]

Welcome @cybreraphael! Thanks for sharing a part of story.

[KayC]

Hi Raphael!  nice to meet you, and thank you for your introduction.

 

I had already replied to your post on Therapy before I saw this introduction post.  But, just wanted to let you know you found a great place to reach out for support and also share (as you now already know).

So, just wanted to take an opportunity to say Welcome❣️