Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Yesterday was my birthday...I hated every minute of it.


Courtney

Recommended Posts

I haven't liked my birthday for several years now (so it's not just because we're in the middle of a global pandemic), but yesterday was especially rough.  A quick recap for those who haven't read my intro. post, I've been living invisibly for the past 13 years and became visible to my spouse 8 years ago.  She is extremely unaccepting of me being transgender. 

 

But I digress, she decided to take the day off of work yesterday, even though she knows that I didn't want to recognize or acknowledge the day in any form or fashion.   I got sick yesterday from a weekend cookout, so that didn't help my mood.  During some of my complaining about an unwanted social media post that she made earlier in the day I said to her, "you know I hate my birthday."  At that point she got completely into my personal space (which isn't something you do to someone feeling under the weather) and asked, "why do you hate your birthday? I want more..."  

 

That got me thinking.  She should know why, but then this is just her denial surfacing again.  If I really told her why I hate my birthday, would she accept it and respect my wishes.  Probably not...  The answer is, I hate my birthday because right now it recognizes someone who I am not.  It doesn't celebrate my authentic being.  When I become visible to my beloved family and friends who support and accept me for who I am, then I will look forward to my birthday every year.  Until then, mum's the word.

 

Thanks for listening,

Courtney

Link to comment

I understand your feelings towards your birthday. I share similar sentiments with mine. I turned 40 last month, I didn't really mark the day other than to take mental note that this is the last birthday that goes by in hiding. I took the day off work to lay in bedroom, listen to music and wait for the day to pass. I am already looking forward to celebrate my next birthday as myself. I hope you can start celebrating your birthdays as yourself. Hugs!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Courtney. I’m very sorry to read about these difficulties with your facing with each birthday.

 

3 hours ago, Courtney said:

I hate my birthday because right now it recognizes someone who I am not.

This is something my therapist would say to me but here goes... I would try to look at this in a slightly different perspective. You are the essence of ‘Courtney‘.  Courtney was also born into this world yesterday some 46 or 47 years ago. Just because you see a male exterior does not mean you have to forfeit a life without birthdays. Your existence and lack of being able to present ‘as yourself‘ does not mean you have to forever give up the celebration of life that makes you...you! You have as much right as anyone to celebrate Courtney coming into into this world. Someday, if transition becomes possible, you may even have a different kind of celebration for Courtney. Crazier things have happened! ?

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

 

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Courtney said:

I haven't liked my birthday for several years now (so it's not just because we're in the middle of a global pandemic), but yesterday was especially rough.  A quick recap for those who haven't read my intro. post, I've been living invisibly for the past 13 years and became visible to my spouse 8 years ago.  She is extremely unaccepting of me being transgender. 

 

But I digress, she decided to take the day off of work yesterday, even though she knows that I didn't want to recognize or acknowledge the day in any form or fashion.   I got sick yesterday from a weekend cookout, so that didn't help my mood.  During some of my complaining about an unwanted social media post that she made earlier in the day I said to her, "you know I hate my birthday."  At that point she got completely into my personal space (which isn't something you do to someone feeling under the weather) and asked, "why do you hate your birthday? I want more..."  

 

That got me thinking.  She should know why, but then this is just her denial surfacing again.  If I really told her why I hate my birthday, would she accept it and respect my wishes.  Probably not...  The answer is, I hate my birthday because right now it recognizes someone who I am not.  It doesn't celebrate my authentic being.  When I become visible to my beloved family and friends who support and accept me for who I am, then I will look forward to my birthday every year.  Until then, mum's the word.

 

Thanks for listening,

Courtney

Maybe if you want to reclaim your birthday, you could take a large step in transition on your birthday. I don't know what you have done or what you plan to do, but it could be starting hormones, having surgery, or starting to present as your gender identity. I got hormones 12 days before my birthday, so I decided to start taking them on my birthday so that I could start at a symbolic time that would only require waiting 12 days anyway.

 

Even though I was born into the wrong sex, I still feel that my birthday is mine. The time spent as the wrong sex is still part of my life, just like parts of my life where I have been extremely miserable were still part of my life.

Link to comment
21 hours ago, Susan R said:

@Courtney. I’m very sorry to read about these difficulties with your facing with each birthday.

 

This is something my therapist would say to me but here goes... I would try to look at this in a slightly different perspective. You are the essence of ‘Courtney‘.  Courtney was also born into this world yesterday some 46 or 47 years ago. Just because you see a male exterior does not mean you have to forfeit a life without birthdays. Your existence and lack of being able to present ‘as yourself‘ does not mean you have to forever give up the celebration of life that makes you...you! You have as much right as anyone to celebrate Courtney coming into into this world. Someday, if transition becomes possible, you may even have a different kind of celebration for Courtney. Crazier things have happened! ?

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

 

Thanks @Susan R.  Very valid points that you make.  I know it connects in my brain that my mind, soul and personality is female and it's just my exterior that needs work.  I guess my difficulties occur when "the rubber meets the road."  Perhaps a contributing factor in that is that the "when/if" transition occurs for me it's so far down the road.  Realistically I'm thinking 8-10 years (once my daughters are adults and hopefully we're in a better sociopolitical environment.)  My sister, who I became visible to 5 years ago, has been very supportive in that aspect.  She has always wished her little sister a "Happy Birthday" and expressed her hopes for me to be able to celebrate presenting as my authentic self.  So for the time being I have that...which is nice.  ?

 

Thanks,
Courtney

Link to comment
On 7/7/2020 at 1:48 PM, SaraAW said:

I understand your feelings towards your birthday. I share similar sentiments with mine. I turned 40 last month, I didn't really mark the day other than to take mental note that this is the last birthday that goes by in hiding. I took the day off work to lay in bedroom, listen to music and wait for the day to pass. I am already looking forward to celebrate my next birthday as myself. I hope you can start celebrating your birthdays as yourself. Hugs!

@SaraAW  Well let me wish you a happy belated birthday!  That is awesome to hear that your next birthday will be much more pleasant for you.  My journey is a ways off in the future (numerous factors at play...daughters are still minors, we live in a unwelcoming conservative burb, etc.), but I look forward to the day when I can celebrate being visible. 

 

Thanks,
Courtney 

Link to comment
21 hours ago, Dana Michelle said:

Maybe if you want to reclaim your birthday, you could take a large step in transition on your birthday. I don't know what you have done or what you plan to do, but it could be starting hormones, having surgery, or starting to present as your gender identity. I got hormones 12 days before my birthday, so I decided to start taking them on my birthday so that I could start at a symbolic time that would only require waiting 12 days anyway.

 

Even though I was born into the wrong sex, I still feel that my birthday is mine. The time spent as the wrong sex is still part of my life, just like parts of my life where I have been extremely miserable were still part of my life.

@Dana Michelle  Thanks, that is a good way to look at things.  Unfortunately for me, any steps that I take in transition are a distance off in the future.  I have numerous factors at play in the "when/if" of my transition.  At this point most importantly,  I have to protect my daughters who are still minors.  If I were to become visible now in the ultra conservative area we live in, it would definitely create a threat to their well-being. 

 

Thanks,
Courtney

Link to comment
7 hours ago, Suzanne1 said:

Well, birthdays can be unpleasant in any number of ways.  I've never viewed my birthday as being something to celebrate, but it had nothing to do w/ gender identity.  For me it simply marked a day when I became another year older, and a year closer to death.  I now have a related, but different perspective----however, that perspective has even less appreciation for my birthday.

@Suzanne1.  I get it.  A large part of my dislike of birthdays has to do with this type of inferiority complex I've had most of my life.  I don't feel that I'm worthy of compliments or praise, thus I don't like to have any attention cast my way.  Being transgender just adds another layer on top of that. 

 

Thanks,
Courtney

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Courtney said:

A large part of my dislike of birthdays has to do with this type of inferiority complex I've had most of my life.  I don't feel that I'm worthy of compliments or praise, thus I don't like to have any attention cast my way.  Being transgender just adds another layer on top of that. 

 

I get this, Courtney.  I have always felt exactly the same way for the same reason.  I've had 2 b-day parties in my life.... once as an adult which was enjoyable but only because I diligently pushed the attention off onto the guests, and once as a child which was a disaster that I hated.  Let's keep working on making it a day of self-celebration.  I might try making it about my self-acceptance... that's something to celebrate.

 

Hugs,

Tori

Link to comment

I am really sad any of us feel this way. I never liked the day much. I was just happy to have people that cared around. When I turned forty my ex went to a party instead of being with me. I was hurt and stunned but somehow felt like I really wasn't losing much at the same time. I had a great time taking my kids to dinner and movie. I say if people can't show us the appreciation we deserve, then they certainly don't deserve us. I never liked holidays that involved presents because the people always gave me stuff that I really couldn't relate to. I was cool with Transformers toys but, I liked Jem and The Holograms better. Who doesn't like a rockin' group of girls that are strong and willing to help save the day when troubles arise. Happy Day to all of us.  :groupwavereversed:

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 188 Guests (See full list)

    • Birdie
    • Pip
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Carolyn Marie
    • RaineOnYourParade
    • AllieJ
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.7k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,033
    • Most Online
      8,356

    ArtavikenGenderflui
    Newest Member
    ArtavikenGenderflui
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. afraid of self
      afraid of self
    2. Chaidoesart
      Chaidoesart
      (14 years old)
    3. Faith57
      Faith57
    4. Joyce Ann
      Joyce Ann
      (70 years old)
    5. Kelly21121
      Kelly21121
      (56 years old)
  • Posts

    • RaineOnYourParade
      As far as I'm aware, he wasn't -- he just sometimes wore skirts, which was why it was a question in the first place.   In my opinion, part of that is because of the way press spares attention on issues like that. As a bit of a true crime nut and what I see: Child predator cases' (and cases of a sexual nature in general) press focus on those with an AMAB perpetrator generally, and very rarely are AFAB perpetrators given much press time or even getting tried due to a whole bunch of issues I'm not gonna get into. Because of this, when you see these types of cases and a boy is the victim, it's almost always a queer person who is the one who committed a crime that gets press. Therefore, with the amount of cases seen with this type of perpetrator (and due to the fact "99% of queer people are not sexual criminals" doesn't attract eyes), the human brain can kind of naturally makes an association with it. It's not right, but it's also a fault I think falls partially on the media.   That's all my opinion, though!   This is extra confusing to me, as a feminine man is usually viewed as gay. If someone is refusing the acknowledge the existence of trans people, then gay would be the societal connection that comes after, I think. So, that sorta implies that trans women wouldn't be interested in women in the first place by those assumptions? Of course, trans lesbians exist (most trans women I know like women, actually), but it's a little ridiculous to me that people will deny trans people's existence, call all feminine AMAB people gay, and say that trans people are looking to peep all in the same breath.   Wow, this was a lot longer of a response than I was planning to write--
    • Abigail Genevieve
      For one thing, the practice of putting into office wholly unqualified people simply because of racial, sexual or national characteristics.  It is no accident that Karine is a Haitian immigrant, Black and lesbian.  Kamala Harris is a Black female. Pete Buttigieg is gay.  Often you find that Biden explicitly stated that this is why he hired them, not because of competence, but because they checked so many boxes on his little list.  It makes a mockery of people and is a disservice to the US. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I am not sure why people are in favor of unaccountable agencies with bloated budgets and wasteful spending. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      What about it?
    • SydneyAngel
      Hey girl  I had a problem like you happen to me also. In my first year of estrogen I had a period where my level were good then they got really bad where my testosterone spike high.  I felt like you with all that disforia coming hard. Our bodies need time to adjust. The process is a real pain in the beginning. It levels out eventually and you don't even think about it. Hang in there hugs 
    • Ivy
      Biden's woke agenda?
    • KatieSC
      I wonder if there will be law enforcement procedural shows coming this fall. I can imagine Law and Order: Genital Crimes Unit, or perhaps, FBI: Domestic Genitalia. Then again, maybe they will dedicate a CSI program about the dedicated members of the Oklahoma State Police Genital Screening Unit. Good to know that those Oklahomans have their priorities squared away.
    • KatieSC
      Protections? Well, when they mandate that some who is transgender can get facial and genital electrolysis paid as it is essential to affirming care, or when they mandate and pay for facial feminization surgery, speech therapy/voice affirmation surgery, I will believe that the order is effective. One of biggest hurdles for many transgender individuals is the cost of care. I remember when my one insurance company tried to say that my speech therapy and voice surgery were "cosmetic". I remember when they blocked paying for my facial surgery. I remember the fight I had to get electrolysis. These procedures could save someone's life if the procedures help the individual successfully transition, and are no longer misgendered. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I don't think it should be.  Nor do I see Project 2025 as pushing Christian nationalism.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The agencies are supposed to work for him.  The problem, as conservatives found out in Trump 1, was they will ignore the president and do their own thing.  The agencies are supposed to be under his control.   Congress delegated some of its law making authority to the agencies, which is another problem.   The bloated federal government needs to be trimmed.  Dept Education is worthless - test scores have dropped since it was instituted in the Carter administration consistently, and it is currently implementing Biden's woke agenda more than doing anything else.
    • FinnyFinsterHH
      I hope to eventually wear a suit for dance but don't know what exactly to look for. I feel like jumpsuit is safe option but I have been interested in wearing button up and formal pants. Is there a certain brand i should look for or sites I should look at for tips? My mom is not exactly keen on me wearing too masc clothing like suits just yet but is okay with jumpsuits. Also is there hair styling tips availible, my hair looks like image below. I might be able to get shorter haircut like pixie but am not sure yet.  
    • MaeBe
      It’s never been about him, but he is the Presidential nominee for the Presidency that starts in…2025. I don’t see a lot of conflation that this is a “Trump doctrine”, it a doctrine that benefits him surely, but it is a plan to instill crony governance and enact very Christian conservative (if not purely Christian nationalist) “order” on the country. If you don’t see this as the Right doubling down on Big G government, I don’t know what to tell them. Getting rid of agencies and giving the authority directly to the Executive isn’t shrinking government. It’s consolidation power. 
    • MaeBe
      It is the made up ideology they believe trans people are pushing on the world, those “poor young girls who are being coerced into believing they are men” and the “perverts who put on dresses and think they’re girls”. The anti-LGBTQ+ movement came up with the term. Being trans = you believe in trans ideology/transgenderism, supporting trans people = the same.   In the end anyone that acts on or thinks gender is anything but what is in your pants is a “transgenderist”, why not make it a word if it’s not, there is no real grey area. Unless you acknowledge there is transgenderism, but use your knowledge to “correct it”.  So I guess there could be transgenderist conversion “therapists”.  Face it, we deface the America they want. Land of the Free and Home of the Brave? I think being out and queer is pretty brave. And freedom shouldn’t just be for those who push a narrow “Christian ideology” as the “true” governing model.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Over here muttering about "a new Jim Crow against a persecuted minority."    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Rants are not a problem.  My favorite hobby! :)   What's out there is bad enough that I wonder why some people feel they need to embellish it.  Be alert.   Some of this will need to be fought in court if they try to implement it. If people are out to get me, paranoia is justified.  And this may not be the only document.   Abby
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...