Yesterday was my birthday...I hated every minute of it.

[Courtney]

I haven't liked my birthday for several years now (so it's not just because we're in the middle of a global pandemic), but yesterday was especially rough.  A quick recap for those who haven't read my intro. post, I've been living invisibly for the past 13 years and became visible to my spouse 8 years ago.  She is extremely unaccepting of me being transgender. 

 

But I digress, she decided to take the day off of work yesterday, even though she knows that I didn't want to recognize or acknowledge the day in any form or fashion.   I got sick yesterday from a weekend cookout, so that didn't help my mood.  During some of my complaining about an unwanted social media post that she made earlier in the day I said to her, "you know I hate my birthday."  At that point she got completely into my personal space (which isn't something you do to someone feeling under the weather) and asked, "why do you hate your birthday? I want more..."  

 

That got me thinking.  She should know why, but then this is just her denial surfacing again.  If I really told her why I hate my birthday, would she accept it and respect my wishes.  Probably not...  The answer is, I hate my birthday because right now it recognizes someone who I am not.  It doesn't celebrate my authentic being.  When I become visible to my beloved family and friends who support and accept me for who I am, then I will look forward to my birthday every year.  Until then, mum's the word.

 

Thanks for listening,

Courtney

[SaraAW]

I understand your feelings towards your birthday. I share similar sentiments with mine. I turned 40 last month, I didn't really mark the day other than to take mental note that this is the last birthday that goes by in hiding. I took the day off work to lay in bedroom, listen to music and wait for the day to pass. I am already looking forward to celebrate my next birthday as myself. I hope you can start celebrating your birthdays as yourself. Hugs!

[Susan R]

@Courtney. I’m very sorry to read about these difficulties with your facing with each birthday.

 

3 hours ago, Courtney said:

I hate my birthday because right now it recognizes someone who I am not.

This is something my therapist would say to me but here goes... I would try to look at this in a slightly different perspective. You are the essence of ‘Courtney‘.  Courtney was also born into this world yesterday some 46 or 47 years ago. Just because you see a male exterior does not mean you have to forfeit a life without birthdays. Your existence and lack of being able to present ‘as yourself‘ does not mean you have to forever give up the celebration of life that makes you...you! You have as much right as anyone to celebrate Courtney coming into into this world. Someday, if transition becomes possible, you may even have a different kind of celebration for Courtney. Crazier things have happened! ?

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

 

[Dana Michelle]

4 hours ago, Courtney said:

I haven't liked my birthday for several years now (so it's not just because we're in the middle of a global pandemic), but yesterday was especially rough.  A quick recap for those who haven't read my intro. post, I've been living invisibly for the past 13 years and became visible to my spouse 8 years ago.  She is extremely unaccepting of me being transgender. 

 

But I digress, she decided to take the day off of work yesterday, even though she knows that I didn't want to recognize or acknowledge the day in any form or fashion.   I got sick yesterday from a weekend cookout, so that didn't help my mood.  During some of my complaining about an unwanted social media post that she made earlier in the day I said to her, "you know I hate my birthday."  At that point she got completely into my personal space (which isn't something you do to someone feeling under the weather) and asked, "why do you hate your birthday? I want more..."  

 

That got me thinking.  She should know why, but then this is just her denial surfacing again.  If I really told her why I hate my birthday, would she accept it and respect my wishes.  Probably not...  The answer is, I hate my birthday because right now it recognizes someone who I am not.  It doesn't celebrate my authentic being.  When I become visible to my beloved family and friends who support and accept me for who I am, then I will look forward to my birthday every year.  Until then, mum's the word.

 

Thanks for listening,

Courtney

Maybe if you want to reclaim your birthday, you could take a large step in transition on your birthday. I don't know what you have done or what you plan to do, but it could be starting hormones, having surgery, or starting to present as your gender identity. I got hormones 12 days before my birthday, so I decided to start taking them on my birthday so that I could start at a symbolic time that would only require waiting 12 days anyway.

 

Even though I was born into the wrong sex, I still feel that my birthday is mine. The time spent as the wrong sex is still part of my life, just like parts of my life where I have been extremely miserable were still part of my life.

[Courtney]

21 hours ago, Susan R said:

@Courtney. I’m very sorry to read about these difficulties with your facing with each birthday.

 

This is something my therapist would say to me but here goes... I would try to look at this in a slightly different perspective. You are the essence of ‘Courtney‘.  Courtney was also born into this world yesterday some 46 or 47 years ago. Just because you see a male exterior does not mean you have to forfeit a life without birthdays. Your existence and lack of being able to present ‘as yourself‘ does not mean you have to forever give up the celebration of life that makes you...you! You have as much right as anyone to celebrate Courtney coming into into this world. Someday, if transition becomes possible, you may even have a different kind of celebration for Courtney. Crazier things have happened! ?

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

 

Thanks @Susan R.  Very valid points that you make.  I know it connects in my brain that my mind, soul and personality is female and it's just my exterior that needs work.  I guess my difficulties occur when "the rubber meets the road."  Perhaps a contributing factor in that is that the "when/if" transition occurs for me it's so far down the road.  Realistically I'm thinking 8-10 years (once my daughters are adults and hopefully we're in a better sociopolitical environment.)  My sister, who I became visible to 5 years ago, has been very supportive in that aspect.  She has always wished her little sister a "Happy Birthday" and expressed her hopes for me to be able to celebrate presenting as my authentic self.  So for the time being I have that...which is nice.  ?

 

Thanks,
Courtney

[Courtney]

On 7/7/2020 at 1:48 PM, SaraAW said:

I understand your feelings towards your birthday. I share similar sentiments with mine. I turned 40 last month, I didn't really mark the day other than to take mental note that this is the last birthday that goes by in hiding. I took the day off work to lay in bedroom, listen to music and wait for the day to pass. I am already looking forward to celebrate my next birthday as myself. I hope you can start celebrating your birthdays as yourself. Hugs!

@SaraAW  Well let me wish you a happy belated birthday!  That is awesome to hear that your next birthday will be much more pleasant for you.  My journey is a ways off in the future (numerous factors at play...daughters are still minors, we live in a unwelcoming conservative burb, etc.), but I look forward to the day when I can celebrate being visible. 

 

Thanks,
Courtney 

[Courtney]

21 hours ago, Dana Michelle said:

Maybe if you want to reclaim your birthday, you could take a large step in transition on your birthday. I don't know what you have done or what you plan to do, but it could be starting hormones, having surgery, or starting to present as your gender identity. I got hormones 12 days before my birthday, so I decided to start taking them on my birthday so that I could start at a symbolic time that would only require waiting 12 days anyway.

 

Even though I was born into the wrong sex, I still feel that my birthday is mine. The time spent as the wrong sex is still part of my life, just like parts of my life where I have been extremely miserable were still part of my life.

@Dana Michelle  Thanks, that is a good way to look at things.  Unfortunately for me, any steps that I take in transition are a distance off in the future.  I have numerous factors at play in the "when/if" of my transition.  At this point most importantly,  I have to protect my daughters who are still minors.  If I were to become visible now in the ultra conservative area we live in, it would definitely create a threat to their well-being. 

 

Thanks,
Courtney

[Courtney]

7 hours ago, Suzanne1 said:

Well, birthdays can be unpleasant in any number of ways.  I've never viewed my birthday as being something to celebrate, but it had nothing to do w/ gender identity.  For me it simply marked a day when I became another year older, and a year closer to death.  I now have a related, but different perspective----however, that perspective has even less appreciation for my birthday.

@Suzanne1.  I get it.  A large part of my dislike of birthdays has to do with this type of inferiority complex I've had most of my life.  I don't feel that I'm worthy of compliments or praise, thus I don't like to have any attention cast my way.  Being transgender just adds another layer on top of that. 

 

Thanks,
Courtney

[Tori M]

2 hours ago, Courtney said:

A large part of my dislike of birthdays has to do with this type of inferiority complex I've had most of my life.  I don't feel that I'm worthy of compliments or praise, thus I don't like to have any attention cast my way.  Being transgender just adds another layer on top of that. 

 

I get this, Courtney.  I have always felt exactly the same way for the same reason.  I've had 2 b-day parties in my life.... once as an adult which was enjoyable but only because I diligently pushed the attention off onto the guests, and once as a child which was a disaster that I hated.  Let's keep working on making it a day of self-celebration.  I might try making it about my self-acceptance... that's something to celebrate.

 

Hugs,

Tori

[Abi]

I am really sad any of us feel this way. I never liked the day much. I was just happy to have people that cared around. When I turned forty my ex went to a party instead of being with me. I was hurt and stunned but somehow felt like I really wasn't losing much at the same time. I had a great time taking my kids to dinner and movie. I say if people can't show us the appreciation we deserve, then they certainly don't deserve us. I never liked holidays that involved presents because the people always gave me stuff that I really couldn't relate to. I was cool with Transformers toys but, I liked Jem and The Holograms better. Who doesn't like a rockin' group of girls that are strong and willing to help save the day when troubles arise. Happy Day to all of us.