Feeling suffocated

[Ryan]

I semi-came out to my parents a few days ago, and my mom is super supportive and even suggested a few names she thought I could easily transition to (I may use her suggestion as a middle, as I have my first name decided). But my dad still sees me as a girl/tomboy, and says he'll always see me as [given name]. I'm still being called feminine pronouns and my given name, and I'm currently living in a small town of less than 1,000 people. The people I see daily still see me as female, even though I can pass to strangers or people who haven't seen me in years. But every now and then it gets to me, and I feel like I need to be doing more in regards to social transitioning. I have a therapist, and they've referred me to a specialist and I'm currently on a waitlist, but I don't know how long it's going to be until I get a call. 

 

Quarantine sucks, and not being able to go out without a mask or really do anything has also been getting to me. I've been wanting to go to the city because I know if I go to the city I'll be he/him-ed and gendered correctly and I'll feel so much freer. 

[Siobhan]

Hi Ryan,

Congratulations on taking steps toward your social transitioning! I imagine it can't be very easy in a small town. Even if they may be accepting, the gender they *thought* you were is hardwired into their brain and may take some time to desolder and re-route.

The city probably feels like quite a relief so I hope you can find your way their in some form or another, soon.

When I transitioned I moved to another city. I wasn't from a small town or anything, but I kind of wanted to start over someplace new. Someplace that wasn't haunted by a prior representation of me. Once I started transition, I was pretty much done with my past, outside of family.

My mom was really great about transition. She even flew out to see me a few weeks after I came out in a show of support and to meet some of the friends I made at the local queer center. Sounds like your mom will probably be great too. My parents are divorced and I didnt have much contact with my dad, but I did tell him via an email exchange. His reply wasn't the greatest. Wasn't mean or anything but it showed a complete lack of understanding. In subsequent emails he just stopped referring to me by any name and pronouns. It was bizarre and very awkward. I hope your dad can get on board and begin to educate himself and understand your needs.

In your pic (I'm assuming that's you) I thought the facial hair was real! I only realized it probably isn't by reading this post. It looks great on you!

Glad you're around. It's nice to see some more FTM representation on here!

 

[A. Dillon]

I don't really know why, but in general I have heard that dad's are much more resistant to ftm kids than moms. I don't have enough information to say this as a general fact, it is just true in my experience. With my dad, it has taken being out to him, passing and living as male for 9 months for him to take it seriously. He even occasionally uses male pronouns, and otherwise just tries his best to not refer to me at all. He has messed up obviously, and will flat out deny it and refuse to listen if you point it out, but it is an improvement. All of this just takes time. I still remember going to Thanksgiving right after I had started packing and binding, as well as having cut my hair, and having to be referred to as deadname and she/her the whole time. It sucked for sure, more because no one corrected them than anything else. My dad still won't really let me come out to one side of the family, so that is awkward, so at least I live 4 hours away! All of this is to say that progress takes time. For now, try to find new friends and people, people who know you for who you really are and not who you were. That helped me out a ton. We will also do our best to support you whenever you need it. Good luck my man

[Ryan]

2 hours ago, Siobhan said:

Hi Ryan,

Congratulations on taking steps toward your social transitioning! I imagine it can't be very easy in a small town. Even if they may be accepting, the gender they *thought* you were is hardwired into their brain and may take some time to desolder and re-route.

The city probably feels like quite a relief so I hope you can find your way their in some form or another, soon.

When I transitioned I moved to another city. I wasn't from a small town or anything, but I kind of wanted to start over someplace new. Someplace that wasn't haunted by a prior representation of me. Once I started transition, I was pretty much done with my past, outside of family.

My mom was really great about transition. She even flew out to see me a few weeks after I came out in a show of support and to meet some of the friends I made at the local queer center. Sounds like your mom will probably be great too. My parents are divorced and I didnt have much contact with my dad, but I did tell him via an email exchange. His reply wasn't the greatest. Wasn't mean or anything but it showed a complete lack of understanding. In subsequent emails he just stopped referring to me by any name and pronouns. It was bizarre and very awkward. I hope your dad can get on board and begin to educate himself and understand your needs.

In your pic (I'm assuming that's you) I thought the facial hair was real! I only realized it probably isn't by reading this post. It looks great on you!

Glad you're around. It's nice to see some more FTM representation on here!

 

 

Thanks. Yeah, I am trying to find work in the city, or just anywhere else in general, but it seems to be harder than anticipated. 

Yeah, it is. The app is nice, because it already reads me as male, so there wasn't much it had to do regarding 'masculinizing' me. And thanks. I hope I can grow one half and decent as that. 

 

2 hours ago, A. Dillon said:

I don't really know why, but in general I have heard that dad's are much more resistant to ftm kids than moms. I don't have enough information to say this as a general fact, it is just true in my experience. With my dad, it has taken being out to him, passing and living as male for 9 months for him to take it seriously. He even occasionally uses male pronouns, and otherwise just tries his best to not refer to me at all. He has messed up obviously, and will flat out deny it and refuse to listen if you point it out, but it is an improvement. All of this just takes time. I still remember going to Thanksgiving right after I had started packing and binding, as well as having cut my hair, and having to be referred to as deadname and she/her the whole time. It sucked for sure, more because no one corrected them than anything else. My dad still won't really let me come out to one side of the family, so that is awkward, so at least I live 4 hours away! All of this is to say that progress takes time. For now, try to find new friends and people, people who know you for who you really are and not who you were. That helped me out a ton. We will also do our best to support you whenever you need it. Good luck my man

 

i hope he comes around in time. I only have one remaining relative that's close by. Everyone else is either 6+ hours away, out of province, or have passed. 

[SL]

I think he'll come around eventually. My mom is the non-supportive one of my parents. My dad is very supportive. My mom has a history of being emotionally abusive to everyone in the family so it's almost normalized and doesn't feel as targeted overall. However, she definitely did refuse to use my name and pronouns for a while and would completely cut me out of sentences to avoid using any pronouns for me which didn't feel good. There are also other slightly targeted things she's done that I won't get into. The only thing I've found that helps is having conversations with my dad about my experience as a trans person in front of my mom. I think if parents understand where you are coming from they are more likely to accept the reality of what you are going through and why they need to step up. Educating them on why the things they do and say are hurtful can help a lot. Communication is really key. My mom is finally starting to use my pronouns and chosen name. (I think it's partly because she's more understanding and partly because she feels more pressured to because my dad expects her to use the correct ones.) 

 

I've noticed that some parents that are hesitant about accepting their non-binary or trans kids are mainly hesitant because they are worried about the welfare of their child. My parents flat out told me they want me to able to focus on my future instead of worrying about my identity. Personally I think a lot of trans people want to focus on our futures, but transitioning is part of obtaining the future we want and the main reason we have to focus so much on our identity is because of transphobes and gatekeepers and the government trying to take our rights away (at least in the US). If we didn't have to worry about these things our transitions would go much more smoothly and we could focus on more things outside of our identity and transition and parents wouldn't have to worry so much about their child's safety. 

 

I definitely get the small town issue. I live between a backwoods small town and a backwoods minuscule town. And by "backwoods" I mean we literally have a Confederate store right down the road (there's also a moonshine store in the small town but it's legal so it's not real moonshine). I am terrified even going to the grocery store because there are almost always 3-7 cars with confederate flags and probably at least two people inside wearing a MAGA hat or Trump shirts and over half the people stare me down while I'm shopping. The only other place I can go is my university and there was a confederate flag parade outside my apartment there like a month ago so it's not much better. (This was not put on by the city, but by people protesting the BLM march that was scheduled to happen like an hour later.) I am so ready to graduate and move out west to an actual city.

 

Also be happy you guys have to wear masks. We don't and look at our stats. My dad had a meeting at a local hospital today and found out that state fudged our occupied hospital bed rates and there are actually only like four beds open in the entire county and a lot of students are about to move back to their universities where many will party in large groups without masks. We are screwed.