Scared to get intimate with partner

[LydiaLaurel]

Hello,

 

This is my first time posting on Transpulse. Im so happy to have found these forums. If this is in the wrong category let me know.

 

I am a 27 year old trans woman who has been on hrt just 9 months. I am happily married to a pansexual cis woman. She has been incredibly supportive through my transition.

 

My concern is very intimate and overtly sexual in nature. As my body and presentation has changed shes still very attracted to me, and the feeling is mutual. A few months ago, when my breasts really started to come in, it was an exciting time for both of us in the bedroom. Ive lost some libido from taking spironolactone but generally were intimate as often as before. Luckily no trouble with ED yet.

 

The problem im experiencing really accelerated over the last few weeks. I realized that I am nearing a full year on Hrt, and this is significant where I live. In Ontario, Canada, it means I will soon be able to apply for government funding toward gender affirming surgery! I am very lucky and I am thrilled. At the same time however, Im starting to think about surgery constantly. My genitals seem more wrong to me than ever before. 
 

I am afraid to enjoy sex, like that somehow invalidates my need for surgery. When I get aroused lately I have to fight off a panic attack. With my libido where its at, I more or less have a choice of when to get an erection, so ive just been avoiding sexual contact with my partner all-together. Im afraid if we make love it will feel wrong, or if it feels good then that means im faking my bottom dysphoria.

 

Ive talked to my wife about this a little bit. She understands as well as a cis person could. She does not expect sex from me and would never pressure me into it. Its just difficult, I still want to be intimate and I feel like she deserves some attention.

 

Sorry if that got a bit long. Just wondering if anyones experienced something similar or has some advice to navigate this. Thank you for reading!

 

Lots of Love

 

Lydia

 

 

[Jackie C.]

I would remind you that there are plenty of ways for your partner to give each other pleasure without involving your genitals if you're uncomfortable about using them. I'd talk to her about it first of course, but intimacy is one of the great things about being a couple. Let her know if you find something that she's doing uncomfortable and find things she finds pleasurable that doesn't go past your comfort zone. I know that's vague, but PG-13, 'K? I can't draw you a diagram. ?

 

Honestly, I've found intimacy on HRT so much more rewarding than it was "in the before time." My partner and I are more in synch and we just touch, cuddle and caress each other for hours. She's more likely to get out of bed to run errands and stuff than I am now. I'd stay the day until we drift off in each others arms.

 

So yeah, absolutely stick to what makes you comfortable, but your spouse has needs too. Don't be afraid to indulge your instincts. We're tool-using animals: We're prone to use whatever we have at hand to get the job done. So to speak. ?

Lay back, relax, and show your partner you love her. This is new for her too and she would probably appreciate the assurance.

 

Hugs!

[LydiaLaurel]

Hi Jackie,

 

Thank you so much for your kind reply. Should i keep it “pg”’ on here? Is there a board on transpulse more suited to discussions about sexuality? Sorry very new around here.

 

What your saying makes a lot of sense, I suppose theres no shame In wanting to be intimate with her and using what Ive got. There are defiantly acts that we enjoy that would be less focused on that area, but lately any arousal or thought of intimacy makes me extremely anxious and dysphoric. 
 

Thanks,

 

Lids

[SaraAW]

Lids, I understand where you're coming from, I'm having issues with my wife and intimacy too. I have no problem seeing to her needs, but mine are a little frustrating. Spiro has killed both my libido and the ability to maintain an erection. My wife is still struggling with acceptance of me and what she feels is her sexuality being questioned and definitely is not ready to treat me like a woman in the bedroom. I would like to experiment, but she's just not there yet. If your partner is, I would say, have some fun, after discussing things you would like to try. You could also add in toys and increase the possibilities.

 

Also, congrats on heading towards you 1 year, I just passed my 6 month mark. I am on the fence with bottom surgery, but starting to lean more towards it. Want to give HRT and therapy more time to see how things change. If you move forward, can you let me know what the process is like? I'm also in Ontario. Eastern GTA. Hugs!

[Jackie C.]

56 minutes ago, LydiaLaurel said:

Thank you so much for your kind reply. Should i keep it “pg”’ on here? Is there a board on transpulse more suited to discussions about sexuality? Sorry very new around here.

 

You're very welcome. We're all new once.

 

So anyway, we have members as young as 13 on the board so any discussions of sex or sexuality need to take that into account. Basically, don't post anything that would make the parent of a 13-year old question our site. So no diagrams. ?

 

Hugs!

[LydiaLaurel]

Jackie,

 

Thanks for the heads up. To be honest im coming here after mainly using reddit where pretty much anything goes. Gotta say I feel way safer one transpulse so far.

 

Sara,

 

I will keep you posted as things go along! Its been a hard decision to make, It’s not for everyone and being no op is just as valid. I still have doubts from time to time. 

 

We have been talking about a few more toys and trying to just take things slow. Im sorry your having trouble with your wife. I was lucky that mine was always more attracted to women all along.

 

Congrats on 6 months!

[SaraAW]

Thanks Lydia.

 

I still use reddit, but I much prefer the community here. I agree, way safer here than there. I have not had had to block anyone here.

[Emily michelle]

Hi Lydia, I’m in a similar situation as you I’m have been on hrt for almost 3 months and my libido has definitely dropped and I will welcome it more as the last time I was intimate I had had to stop because I broke down crying. I would like to explore other ways but she isn’t really ready to. We still love each other and we are happier now that I’m out but I still worry about meeting her needs.

[LydiaLaurel]

Hi Emily,

 

Its really comforting to know that there are others struggling with this as well. Im glad that being out has been a joyful experience! Hopefully these things just take time for all of us and our partners too. 
 

All the best,

 

Liddy

[KayC]

Hi @LydiaLaurel!  Nice to meet you and Welcome!
I cannot really provide any advice or experience on this subject because I am pre-HRT.  But!  I am really curious of how HRT might affect my libido and intimacy options.  I don't currently think I will seek GRS but I know that could change after HRT.  So I am very interested in your story.

 

There are others on this forum who are in realtionships and are either pre- or post-GRS that can give you their perspective .. but in the end this is your unique journey.  Its also really great that you have an open and understanding partner. 

 

Private Message (PM) is a good way to discuss more sensitive body/sexual topics, since they don't appear in open forum and you can know you are speaking with another adult.  So, if there is somebody here you feel you can connect with, that's a good way to go.

Look forward to hearing more from you.!

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time❣️

[LydiaLaurel]

Hi Kay!

 

Thanks for your support : ) I think my account is too new for dm’s but feel free to send me one in the future. From what I understand the main issue with HRT and libido/ED is anti androgens, more then the estradiol. Specifically spironolactone which is very commonly prescribed to curb the production of testosterone. I have a few transfemminine and non binary friends that take Estrodial and or progesterone but choose to skip the anti androgens. Personally I take quite a high dose of spironolactone, and i have found it usefull in slowing and thinning body hair. Of course it does have its side effects. My nurse practitioner has offered me Viagra, but i havent quite needed it yet and its not covered on my insurance. Not an expert but hope it helps!

 

Cheers,

 

Lydia

[Jackie C.]

Personally, I didn't have trouble on Spirolactone. It reduced my libido, but it reduced the desire from "constantly" to "once or twice a week is fine." I could think again and that was, and is, a beautiful thing. However, my partner was already experiencing side-effects from induced menopause (she's a breast cancer survivor) and penetrative sex had become painful for her. Obviously, that was something we stopped doing. Now I'd never been... let's say super attached ? ... to my genitals (stupid things were good for maybe three rounds at best) so going from penetration to oral and manual stimulation wasn't a big change for me.

 

I should point out that a "quickie" was never something I was interested in. Like a lot of lesbian couples, once we got going we were down for an hour or two. That probably had something to do with my attitude and approach.

 

May you and your partner find an approach that fills all your needs.

 

Hugs!

[LydiaLaurel]

Jackie,

 

Thanks for your insight. I am looking forward to exploring sexuality with my partner in a new light. Maybe some excitement and optimism will help me get through the anxiety im experiencing. It sounds like you and your partner have been through a lot together, you must both be very strong for it.

 

Love,

 

Liddy