Am i not cis? Sharing thoughs & asking questions

[Wiggly Lines]

Greetings!

 

I always considered myself cis, but after a deep conversation with a friend started to question my identity. The thing is - living my life as a cis girl doesn't feel particularly painful or wrong, but it also seems, that my self-image is a bit... unusual? And - maybe - I can achieve a better understanding of my own feelings thus becoming a happier person? I am not sure! So... Let's get to the point already! I wanna share some of my personal stuff with you and hear your opinion on the matter. Does any of my thoughts sound familiar? Could it be, that I am not cis after all? I will be grateful for any information, advice, or help! Thank you in advance!

 

1) I never associated myself with female characters, even as a child. There were characters like Mulan or Ariel or Yzma (have no idea, why I am talking Disney, but oh well) that I enjoyed, but I could never see myself in any of them. I had a strong connection with characters like Bilbo Baggins, though. And when I played Rayman 3 on PC, I also role-played with my friends as Rayman and even bought yellow sneakers to better fit the image. Here's what Rayman looks like, in case you don't know the guy:

(I still wish I could be him lol).

2) I dress mainly in baggy clothes, they are more comfortable and I feel safer in them. I don't mind my boobs, though, or being in a swimsuit at the pool. I mean... I don't wear baggy clothes to hide my body, but to be more ME. Like... I don't want people thinking, that I am trying to pass for a mysterious Femme-Fatale (for example)... Because I am NOT. I tend to be loud and gross and absurd and funny and all goblin-like... Does that make any sense?

Occasionally I wear dresses and makeup and even heels (at the New Year celebration, Music concert,etc.), but then I feel a bit awkward. I suddenly start to care A LOT about my weight and skin imperfections, and how thin my hair is, how bad my teeth are... I tend to brush off those concerns and have fun, but...

 

3) I don't associate myself with my reflection in the mirror or my photos AT ALL. On the outside, I am short slim human with quite a feminine face (big eyelashes, red lips, small nose) and body (i have visible boobs and thighs). I like my reflection. But my thoughts on it are "Woah, this girl is pretty... Wouldn't mind dating her, lol". THIS GIRL, you see? Not me, but THIS GIRL. On the inside, I am always this little goblin-like monster, a funny side-kick with a creaky voice and dumb jokes, ridiculous and absurd, but charming in their own way. Is it normal? Is it a bit weird? Is it what trans-experience is like? I don't know!

 

4) My sex life is complicated. I enjoy being naked, but I am not sure if I enjoy being an attractive girl per se... It doesn't feel right? Maybe it's just low self-esteem... Or maybe it's that big gap between my actual looks and my inner self-image? Anyway, if a person I like wants to have sex with a goblin, then - sure, I am up for it!

 

5) I don't mind my given name or she/her pronouns. I always thought that women are free to act, dress and look however they like. I still think that way, but at the same time, that is the reason I never paid much attention to my self-image and never questioned my gender identity until now?

So, what do you think? I am also ready to answer any additional questions!

[Jackie C.]

Lucky. In the Hobbit, I identified more with Smaug. ?

 

So yeah, not really weird to me. In my laywoman's opinion, I'd say you're genderfluid. Identifying more with one gender or the other (or none at all) depending on the day. There could be some body dysphoria in there too. I'd look for a Gender Therapist ... I admit I have no earthly idea what Russia is doing for healthcare these days ... and see if they can help you with a plan that makes you more comfortable in your own skin.

 

I admit I have mirror moments like you do too. But I think, "Oh hey, that lady's pretty," then I remember that she's me and I get all tingly inside.

 

Hugs!

[Wiggly Lines]

Thank you for your reply! ( Smaug is very cool :3 )

 

Russia is becoming more and more homophobic and dangerous for LGBT+ people these days. Every time i read the news i get super-sad and super-angry. So, not sure about competent Russian gender therapists, but there must be some? I'll ask around. 

 

But first i wanna do a little research by myself, see what other folks can tell me, reflect a little on those responses and my own feelings towards them... 

So, thanks again, your message means a lot!

[Wiggly Lines]

Maybe i can add a few things:

1) I rarely fall in love. I dated a guy, when i was a teen, then switched to girls... Right now i have a girlfriend, we are together for almost 8 years. I don't like men's company, because than i feel like i represent women in general... And i don't want that responsibility. I consider myself a lesbian, because if i do find a man attractive, it is a fictional or purely hypothetical man in 99% cases. 

 

2) When i do fall for a girl, i feel kinda sleazy... Not like a cute girl liking another cute girl, but like a villain thinking his dirty thoughts about a pure magnificent goddess... I never act improper, but still... The guilt remains.  I think that can be connected to my absurd self-image... Because i even grew my hear a bit longer to seem more feminine and less scary to girls ... Ahahaha... But i am ALREADY feminine, the thing i am trying to do is to convince my inner self by those actions... And the pure goal is to prevent girls from being repulsed? CONFUSING.

 

3) I masturbate a lot, and I usually make up some colorful erotic stories as i do.  Like... In my mind. I think about -excited- medieval kings or underground vampire lairs or necromancer's laboratories... Those stories never NEVER include me as a hero/heroine. They are always about some imaginary characters. Or (in rare cases) about the people i know. But never about me. I can't picture myself having sex... Even thought i had plenty of sex in my life? It's just... My inner vision gets hazy, when i try to imagine that... Should i be a dumb goblin in those fantasies? Or that girl from the mirror? How and why would anyone sleep with me? Too many questions are killing the mood completely. Low self-esteem or body dysphoria or both? I don't know...

[Jackie C.]

Don't discount the goblins. They're small and clever with quick fingers, agile minds and no sense of self-preservation. They have their own appeal. Goblincore is totally a thing. ?

 

Even so, you sound like you've got some issues to work out. I'd definitely include a therapist (gender specialty a plus!) in my plans going forward.

 

If you've seen the news, we've got a full-on dumpster fire going on in the US too. Hopefully the forces of reason and compassion can do something about both countries. Love and peace!

 

In the meantime, we're always here to listen if you need to talk.

 

Hugs!

[Wiggly Lines]

25 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Don't discount the goblins. They're small and clever with quick fingers, agile minds and no sense of self-preservation. They have their own appeal. Goblincore is totally a thing. ?

Yeah! Didn't mean to criticize them, i don't even identify with goblins as a specific race (like World Of Warcraft goblins), but their appearance and overall mood is the closest one to my self-vision.

28 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Even so, you sound like you've got some issues to work out. I'd definitely include a therapist (gender specialty a plus!) in my plans going forward.

 Heh, i have a therapist, but we are working on a different topic now... I am suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, OCD and Recurring Depression on top of that... So, lots of things are on my shoulders already! I've had two suicide attempts in my past, one almost successful one was last year Q__Q But right now i am feeling MUCH better thanks to DBT, mindfulness and some medical support.
 Maybe i should mention my gender-related-thoughts to my therapist... But i am pretty sure that my recurring depression has a different source (professional and family issues mainly). 

35 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

If you've seen the news, we've got a full-on dumpster fire going on in the US too. Hopefully the forces of reason and compassion can do something about both countries. Love and peace!

I certainly hope that all that madness, chaos and horror of 2020 will soon come to an end! That love and compassion will win so everybody could live in harmony and without fear.   
 

39 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

In the meantime, we're always here to listen if you need to talk.

Thank you once again! 

[Wiggly Lines]

Oh! I just remembered something else! It is pretty difficult for me to draw self-portraits. They all look very abstract lately. But if you ask me to draw MY BODY, i would probably draw something that looks like the last quick sketch. Can it be related to my identity somehow?

[Jackie C.]

I'd certainly say it's tied to your self-image somewhere. My therapist would probably call at least some of that exile parts of your personality. Maybe not the last one. The goblin just has character.

 

Hugs!

[Kim Lang]

Oi!!!

 

Rad pictures, each of your sketches are so unique and neat!

 

I can only comment on a few points that you've made on your posts.

 

We're pretty similar in that I don't really associate with girl characters that much. Mulan's great! I admire her, but I don't want to be her. I do want perfect skin tho Q_Q. Other than that, I have always played as males when role playing. I admire the features of what is associated with males, so the voice and physical features that I try to roleplay whether in person or online is a really good vibe for me. Have you explored more with gender and role playing and how you feel about it? I'd be curious to know if you've explored more into it. The goblin persona (if I may call it that) does remind me a lot of role playing as other characters in general. 

 

We do tend to have 2 different images: The one that the world sees us (Mirrors are a good example), and how we perceive ourselves. I figured that this point of contention doesn't last long; would we either "meld" the 2 areas, or always keep them separate? So far, I've managed to make these 2 images separate and it seems to be working. The relationship between the goblin, and what you think of your body would probably need to be explored more. Sorry I can't be much help on that!

 

 

[Wiggly Lines]

11 hours ago, Kim Lang said:

 

Rad pictures, each of your sketches are so unique and neat!

Big thanks! ^___^

11 hours ago, Kim Lang said:

Other than that, I have always played as males when role playing. I admire the features of what is associated with males, so the voice and physical features that I try to roleplay whether in person or online is a really good vibe for me.

It's great, that you found something, that gives you such good emotions. Also, role-playing is a great way of getting at least some of the desired features... For me, though... I am not sure. Haven't role-played in a loooong time. It may be a good idea to get back to it somehow! Explore my goblin self deeper... Or, i dunno, think about not only what is comfortable enough? There must be things that i WANT or things that can give actual PLEASURE. Hmmm, thank you for your response! It gave a lot to ponder on! 

11 hours ago, Kim Lang said:

Sorry I can't be much help on that!

You already are a huge help, actually! :3

[Jo']

Hi there! 

Your post is really soothing to me because I'm questioning myself about my gender a lot too lately! I can completely relate concerning the characters part like...it's really rare to me to identify to "female" characters. And I have kind of the same thoughts about my body like...I don't mind having boobs but sometimes I like it when they are not visible, in fact i just think I don't care if they're here or not, it changes a lot everytime. As I just said I am questioning myself a lot so I don't know if I can really help you through this new journey... I just wanted to know that you're not alone and that we're probably not the only two humans to have these questions in mind at this exact moment on earth. I hope everything is going to be ok for you and that you'll find the answers you need. 

I also really hope you're safe where you are and that you have someone to talk to. 

 

Lots of love

Jo. 

 

(ps: i love your drawings)

[Wiggly Lines]

Hi, Jo' !
Huuge thanks for all the nice things you've said! It IS easier, when you know others who - at least partially - share your thoughts and experience! ☺️
I guess, we don't have to find a specific ANSWER or label ourselfs, if nothing exactly fits... Most importantly, we have to find a way to be happy and comfortable and at ease with what's going on inside.
We'll manage that, hopefully! Thanks again and good luck!

[Confusedconfusedconfused]

Your situation is very similar to my own. I was actually just looking at old pictures of myself (when I was really femme) and I felt awkward. Like, I know that was me, but it doesn't feel like me anymore, just some pretty girl I would probably be attracted to. When I associate myself with that femme girl I used to be (and maybe still am in a way or two), I feel all the pressures of the female world on my shoulders and it doesn't sit right.

 

And as for your body, I get it. My body/gender dysphoria, whatever it is, is confusing. I don't mind my breasts, but I've never considered an alternative until very recently, and since then my view has shifted to maybe not wanting breasts at all. Figuring out yourself is a slow process, and you are allowed to make mistakes and feel one way and then another and then switch again until you feel truly right.

 

Definitely research gender therapists. Someone on my own post told me there are many online if you don't have direct access near you. I'm new to my journey so everything I've said above is based on my recent personal experiences. Good luck

 

 

[SL]

(Sorry in advance for this post being so long.)

 

I'm going to start by saying your art is stunning. Definitely captivating. I love artists that actually put themselves into their work. It just feels so much more intentional and like a story than those people who just spin a canvas with globs of paint on it so it spreads out in different directions. (I think that stuff is pretty, but I prefer stuff like you do.)

 

Now to the reason you're here. 

 

I resonate with a lot of the things you experience, both gender issues wise and sexuality wise. When I was little I got to dress up as Woody from Toy Story for Halloween and pretty much anytime I was home after that I was in my Woody outfit. I also really liked Frodo Baggins. He was such a lively and fun character and I wanted to be just like him. I definitely always felt uncomfortable getting dressed up and never really felt a connection with my reflection or pictures of me. I think I looked pretty sometimes, but it was not me. With that said, as much as I hate my boobs, I also tend towards the nudist side because I also hate clothes. The only reason I wear clothes when I'm alone is to keep myself from having severe dysphoria. I think once I get top surgery I'll walk around in just boxers all the time. For me my name and pronouns were kind of like my reflection: I knew they were associated with me, but I didn't really feel a connection to them. People telling me I couldn't grow up to be a an really pissed me off though. I always knew I was a boy so I was confused and kind of angry when other people would put me in the girl category. This isn't the case for everyone though. To me it sounds like you have some level of dysphoria because of the disconnect. It could be possible that because you are still questioning, the top or bottom dysphoria just hasn't fully set in. I didn't really mind seeing my chest or wearing bikinis or anything before because even though I didn't connect with it, they are still beautiful and I would very much enjoy them on someone else haha. Now that I fully recognize that they aren't "me" and the dysphoria is worse I really want them gone. I did used to wish I got breast cancer so they could be chopped off though.While trying to figure out where I was on the spectrum I identified as genderfluid so I could play with different styles more, but as I had more gender affirming experiences as male I realized I was trans.

 

Okay so now for sexuality. I think there is a chance you could be on the asexual spectrum. I identity as demisexual (open to all genders though). I enjoy the pleasure of sex and I've done it a good bit (only been sexual with two people and one I wasn't actually attracted to), but I'm almost never sexually attracted to people and picturing myself having sex is almost impossible. Some people in the ace spectrum can still enjoy sex and masturbation, but picturing themselves having sex or finding people they are sexually attracted to is difficult. I have also wondered if I only identify this way because of my dysphoria. I do think it's harder to picture yourself having sex if you don't view your reflection as being you. I also think the fact that I don't see my body as me means I have to feel like there is a much deeper connection besides the other person being attracted to my body to be sexually attracted to them if that makes sense. I am still pre-T (I have my first consultation with the HRT doctor in about an hour) so I don't know how or if this will change throughout my transition, but you are not alone in feeling this way. I kind of wonder if you feel like a villain because of any internalized things you were taught growing up in a homophobic area. I know gay people are often portrayed as predators and creatures instead of people by homophobes (at least here they are) so I wonder if that could play into your villain-goblin self image.

 

I just did a project on the LGBT situation in Russia so I can imagine living there right now is frustrating to say the least. I really hope things somehow manage to turn around there soon.