Strict boundaries between Gender Identities

[Kim Lang]

Hello all!!

 

I'm in a few other LGBTQ+ friendly forums, so these thoughts are just an edited version of that. Often times the community between each forum are different, and I love getting different viewpoints going on :D!.

Ok, on with the actual post/

I've been seeing a therapist that deals with gender identities and the transgender community, so I'm fairly good thereon at least figuring these things out. One of the topics I wanted to discuss with her is the boundary I've clearly set on between being male/female with some mixed feelings here and there. I'll explain:

For day dreaming/fantasy settings or role playing related stories (like, role playing forums), I've always imagined myself as a guy. No exception xd. I'm fairly at ease with the voice I've created and the features that are typically attributed to men and playing it out like I am one. For now, this is pretty easy to reconcile and connect with.

I've further divided my in real life into several areas where I take on different pronouns. For instance, I've taken to the art of drag kings or cross dressing in order to further realize these qualities that I like to embody. For these parts, I would vastly prefer the pronoun he/him/his. For now, I think this isn't a big deal. This goes for the same for cosplaying (I love playing armored characters because it's easier to portray a masculine approach behind a mask). This is pretty ok and well defined.

I think I get a bit more confused when I try to act like myself online. For the vast majority of the time, when I imagined myself talking about hobbies or interacting with other friends online, I would also vastly prefer the he/him/his pronouns. It's more confusing for me because in real life I don't have a huge conflict between presenting as she/hers. Thus, I feel like my friends would initially be jarred but try to slowly get used to the 2 different aspects of my person. This is maybe hitting closer to home since it now involves in real life persons.

In real life, I do go with she/her pronouns officially, but since looking into the effects of hormone therapy and how I've perceived my ideal self and my questioning of my physical identity, I would look forward to being a very butch woman lol. This is a topic for another matter, but for now I don't feel any conflict with being she/her in person.

My questions for this is how to deal with not minding being called a he in real life. When introducing myself, would I say "I use she/her pronouns, but I don't mind being called he/him/his"? I wonder how others would react to this. I would also be somewhat nervous, because to me there is a very profound dichotomy between using both pronouns of she/her AND him/his in real life. To have already set a category and male pronouns for literally all other aspects of my life, combining them in real life together would break that sense of divide that I've already established. For this aspect, I would want perhaps thoughts/or advice on how to sit with using those 2 pronouns in the same area of life. I find it difficult that both can exist at the same time within the same area for a person (there's probably a word for this right?). Any pointers are appreciated :).

I'm not sure whether I want advice, or some thoughts from others. Both are very, very welcome. Perhaps I want to see how common it is to try to portray yourself as the opposite gender in almost every other aspect of your life except in real life (occasionally) ha..

Anywho, writing this has become very cathartic and I an relieved I have words to place somewhere instead of it in my mind at all the time.

(Does this belong in the right section? I'm not particularly coming out right now to people in real life however, so perhaps this section will do).

[Jackie C.]

It wouldn't bother me to refer to you as whatever you prefer. I have a very old friend who refers to themselves as she/her when she's dressed as her female alter ego (which I will use because she frequently cosplays as a super-heroine) and he/him when he's at work. Personally, if you're up front with me about your pronouns, whatever they are, I'll do my best to accommodate you and apologize all over myself if I screw up.

 

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

I have a friend who calls herself bigender.  (I'll use she/her pronouns, because I am more familiar with her feminine identity.)  She isn't non-binary, she just hasn't locked in which half of the binary she wants to be.  She is out at work (she is military), and wears female uniform when she presents as female and male uniform when she presents as male.  Showing her ID card is awkward on days when her presentation doesn't match what it says on the card. 

 

On days when she presents as female, she is addressed as "ma'am" and uses the ladies' room.  On days when she presents as male, she is addressed as "sir" and uses the mens' room.  She has the full support of her superiors at work.

[Kim Lang]

oooh, thanks Jackie! I figured it wouldn't be a huge deal. For now I'll try to do it with close friends before move outwards. Thanks for your anecdote!

 

That sounds like an amazing place Kathy!! I may just only be doing it as part of a role play or performance, but the switching of outfits may be similar to that concept. I think bigender fits well!! I'll look forward to researching it. In this case, does she tell you beforehand what pronouns she prefers when you try to talk to her? Or do you ask first?

[KathyLauren]

1 hour ago, Kim Lang said:

In this case, does she tell you beforehand what pronouns she prefers when you try to talk to her? Or do you ask first?

 

In general, it is always appropriate to ask.  However, this person has told everyone that her pronouns depend on her presentation.  When she presents as female, she uses she/her pronouns.  When she presents as male, she uses he/him pronouns.  I try to resist using they/them, because that is not her preference, but it does make for some awkward sentences when describing her two identities.