Late Night Thoughts

[Holly92]

TW: Self-harm, Drugs/Alcohol

 

Hi Folx. I haven't been active lately as I have been trying to take some time away from the internet and focus on my life, but I'm looking forward to becoming more involved in the community. I have been struggling with insomnia so these are some thoughts about my current experience I wrote down last night, just thought I would share in case anybody experiences something similar. These are unedited, just as I wrote them as I had a thought.

 

• Been awake for 1.5 hours. Eating some cheese for the tryptophan and writing my thoughts/worries.
• Invalidating my own experience has led to almost all of my problematic behaviours.
• My avoidance is twofold, the usual shame/guilt I experience, and now the dysphoria/euphoria that is overwhelming me.
• Every girl I have ever known on even a casual basis I have had a "crush" on, which I assumed was loneliness or attraction. I now realise I misunderstood my envy of being female as attraction.
• I have never been comfortable in my body, and always attempted to cultivate a more masculine appearance. This is in spite of the fact I have never identified with what could be considered as masculine traits. 
• My low self confidence has led to my avoidance.
• For the first time in life I'm starting to feel proud/happy of who I am, and have a congruent sense of self-identity.
• Sex has always been a mostly mentally stimulating over bodily experience for me.
• My radical changes in appearance over the years has felt like an attempt to "try on" a persona to fit.
• Until recent years I have squashed down my femininity and taken on the role of a cis, hetero man.
• I have regularly said jokingly "I wish I was gay but I'm just not attracted to men" and "I wish I had been born a lesbian". These thoughts never felt valid to me, as I just assumed it was a way to rationalise my lack of identity
• I have never been into traditionally "girly" pursuits.
• I have never been comfortable around most men.
• The thought of being able to live and be accepted as a woman caused me to reduce my self-harming and avoidant behaviours.
• My main concern right now is not wanting to jeopardise my relationship with my girlfriend. It has been the most fulfilling thing in my life and had I never grown and learnt from her I would almost certainly never have accepted myself as trans.
• The other concern is my family's response, but I'm just realising I don't actually care about that, but I'm still severely anxious. I feel safe, happy and accepted with my close and queer friends, and most people I have genuinely come to respect and love has so far been accepting and supporting.
• Final thoughts. Feeling excited to explore this in a healthy way. Trying not to let regret cause avoidance, drinking, and drug use. I remember the painting of my future I did in hospital last year, and how I have so much ahead of me. I deserve to be happy, and I can do that without hurting people. Being honest is the first step to having a fulfilling life. Going to try to sleep some more now, feel lighter. Much love to everyone, let's all be kind. Life is too short to be cruel

 

PHEW!!! 

 

I know that is a lot but getting my thoughts on paper and out of my head really helped my anxiety, and if anyone can relate or take something from this I hope it is helpful.

 

Big love to everybody,

Holly

 

[tracy_j]

I think lots of people will relate to these Holly. I know many of them have meaning to me. It's good to get things down on paper. It means easier planning for the future, examining the relevance of the points one by one and in conjunction without having to remember each one.

 

Thank you.

 

Tracy

[Bri2020]

Holly it's like you are in my head!  Almost everything you jotted down has been put into my journal this week is a similar but rambling incoherent form but your "list" makes it just so very clear.  it so nice to see that I'm not alone in all this. I hope that was cathartic for you and you were able to sleep afterwards.  I'm only getting about 5- hours a night because of all these thoughts.  Thank you for this post.

Hugs

Bri

[Robin]

Hi Holly,

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.  I can certainly relate to several of the experiences on your list.

 

Robin.