Son wearing nail varnish questions

[Dad]

I have a 7 year old son to a woman who has stopped me from seeing him on a number of occasions I am currently going through court for access I was allowed to have him over night for one night this week and when I picked my son up his mother has painted his nails and toe nails with nail varnish on the way home I asked my son if he wanted daddy to take it off when we got home and he said ok we got home I was taking it off and said to him that wearing nail varnish was a girlie thing to do he didn’t have a change in mood or upset or anything we then carried on playing games and having fun after dropping him off his mum called me like she usually does having a good moan and said I have upset Our son by what I did and I am emotionally abusing our son I believe it didn’t face him one bit there was no change in his mood and he was his happy little self 

so my question is does it sound like I am being a bad dad by doing what I did? I believe that he is still to young to be even thinking about putting nail varnish on that this is his mum suggesting he does it to wind me up And try get one over on me before court in 2 weeks so how old where you when you decided that dressing up and putting makeup on was what you wanted to do?
I will always be happy with what ever my son decided to do with his life in the future he is my son and nothing will ever change that  

[Jackie C.]

Well, I had a dad who would have responded a lot like you did. That's a lie, he would have been angry and I probably would have earned a beating. My mother would have had a more severe response. My folks aren't what you would call supportive. However, I have a dear friend who started at five or six. She wanted to be like his big sister.

 

Over the next twenty or so years, she developed some really impressive quick change skills. She raided her mother and her sister's closet, switching back when she heard them approach. She had to hide who she was until she moved several states away and then still only doled out her time as Jennifer in metered doses. Today she's living part-time to preserve her male privilege and only dressing for special occasions. She's talked about maybe transitioning after she retires.

 

So with that said, nail polish isn't exactly a girl thing. He could have just liked the way it looked. Guys do wear polish sometimes as a style choice. On the other hand, maybe she's more comfortable if she feels more girly. I wouldn't have made a big deal about it and just left the nail polish where it was. If he asked me to help remove it, fine, but if he (or she) wanted to wear it through our visit, that's fine too.

 

I hope some of that helps.

 

Hugs!

[SaraAW]

I tried a bunch of my mothers makeup, several times, without permission, as young child and was forced to remove it. Growing up where and how I did, I did not have the language to express how I felt then, nor did my parents, who accept me now. If I had, I would have likely transitioned in my youth and would have been wearing nail polish as early as I could.

 

I agree with Jackie, nail polish is not just a girl thing. Several cis guys I know wore nail polish all throughout high school, a couple still do. None of them identify as a woman and they are some of the roughest and toughest guys I know.

 

If my child was not showing any distress at having their nails painted, I would leave it. Your child may not have said anything to you about having it removed by you for many possible reasons, yet still felt sad. I can tell you being raised as a boy and living as a man for most of my life, society really beats it into you to not show emotion, especially things like sadness and fear.

 

It might be worthwhile having an open and non-judging conversation with your child next time you get to spend time with them. Ask them about themself and what they like or don't like. Children at that age grow a lot, it would be a good opportunity to catch yourself up on their life when they are not with you.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, SaraAW said:

Your child may not have said anything to you about having it removed by you for many possible reasons, yet still felt sad.

Dear @Dad
I was very reluctant to jump into this conversation because I don't see any issues here regarding gender identity for you son .. If there are issues he will likely figure those out on his own, and hopefully live his life as he wants (even if he has to wait to be an adult to do that) .. 

 

BUT, what I do see here is a very young boy doing his utmost to please two parents that in are in a bitter dispute between you and your son's mother.  This is very disheartening.
I hope you and your son's mother can find common ground and put the welfare of your son first (individual therapy for both of you, and as a family might be helpful). 

Please realize that at a young age, this type of domestic instability and becoming a pawn to the the raw emotions of two adults/parents will probably do way more damage than whether he wears nail varnish or not.

There are no "Bad" Dad or "Bad" Mom here ... Life is not easy ... It takes hard work, compassion, and some give & take .. but I truly hope and pray that brighter days are ahead for all of you.  ?

[DragonflyGirl]

I was a toddler when I began wanting to do girly things. That's just the way I was made.

 

When I was about seven, a step father came into my life and reacted violently to pretty much every little thing about me. I believed I deserved the beatings because I didn't know better at that age, and I basically grew up with no self worth because I internalised his prejudice. He did permanent damage to me and my life, trying to force me to be somebody I wasn't.

 

Let your son find out who he is for himself. Please don't ever shame him for experimenting with things like nail varnish! The chances he is trans are tiny. The chances of permanently damaging his confidence are much higher.

[Jani]

Whether his mother encouraged this or not is unknown but trying on nail varnish or other behaviors is what childhood is about, experimenting and trying different things.  It could be that he saw it on a friend and wanted to try it.  Next time you have him over you might want to talk about this in a non-judgmental way.  Experimentation is how we all develop and form our personalities, so don't be alarmed.  Thanks for asking the question here.

 

Cheers, Jani

[Mmindy]

11 hours ago, Dad said:

I will always be happy with what ever my son decided to do with his life in the future he is my son and nothing will ever change that

Hey there Dad,

 

No person should be denied the opportunity to be active in their child's life, and life events.

 

My son wanted to be a Goth Punk Rocker in Jr. High School painting his nails dark colors, and eye shadow to match. His mom and I thought it was a just a phase that the kids were going through. Well today he still likes Punk Rock, however he's a front man singing for a Bluegrass band on the weekends. His real life job is a Battalion Chief for the City Fire Department. My wife, and two grown children never knew I was the closeted transgender male to female in the family. My wife of 44 years is still very upset with my coming out, but my son, daughter and their spouses are supportive of my transition.

 

You and your ex-wife/girlfriend will forever be bound together, sharing the many life events as your child grows into adulthood. Then comes the grandchildren that will continue to have shared moments with the ex. I hope the courts, you, and your ex can work things out in a civil manor.

 

Best wishes,

 

Mindy??? 

[Pallas]

Hello @Dad 

It was nice to read your post, as it shows you are trying your best to figure out what to do.

I think it's important to note that you don't force him to wear or remove the nail polish. Your kid might be able to think and feel a lot of things, but having difficulty expressing himself, whether he just likes nail polish as a boy or he considers himself to be a she/her instead. Indeed, like with some others previously mentioned, he might just like nail polish and not necessarily think he is a girl. I too have had one or two guys in middle school who wore nail polise but were indeed guys. One was a goth wearing black nail polish. So it was more a stylistic choice in that sense rather than being seen as feminine (if that makes sense).

I think it's important for both you and his mother not to push him in one direction.
If it is indeed so that your son was upset the nail polish was removed, try talking with him and explain it's ok if he wants it. See what his response is.
My bioligical father always forced me to be girly (dress as a girl, wear make-up, high-heeled shoes), something I already knew from an early age I did not like at all, and yet he kept pushing me to look and act as a girl/young woman (biologically I am).

My advice is: See if he goes for nail polish or other 'girly' things when he visits your place (if you don't have nail polish, maybe something else that you might think could be seen as feminine?), same with  toys and other things. Just give your child access to those things and see what he prefers.
If he does not pay attention or try out any female things as all, not even nail polish, then chances are he might be only exposed to 'female/girly' stuff at his mum's place and therefor either trying hard to please her, or she might think your child is just interested in female stuff when there is just nothing else around to do.

Does it make sense?
Important thing is to not force your kid into a specific direction, but try and be supportive and understanding. When he (or she) starts to grow older, it will be easier to talk and find out what exactly he (/she) is thinking too.
If you have any questions, please let me know.
 

[Teri Anne]

Nail polish is not a totally girl thing so to say that may have not been the best thing to do.

I have been around rock stars and big tough bikers that both had ear rings and painted nails so was it wrong for them to wear both?

Your ex may have done it out of spite just to make you mad so in that sense she was able to get you to react in a way she can use against you. Its not anywhere close to abuse and the judge should she thru her ploy.

I would have asked the boy if he wanted to leave it on.

I'm sure he wanted to make you happy so he let you remove it and acted like it was no big deal.

If you would love him no matter what I don't see why you acted the way you did in the first place.

[VickySGV]

My Great Aunt used clear nail polish and had it in her purse whenever she came to visit.  In those days we did not know about Vicky, any of us, and my aunt did not believe in gender stereotypes for young children and I and my younger sister got practice as light duty manicurists.  My dad occasionally grumped about it , but he was a bit afraid of her, and the stuff wore off fast enough in those days that it didn't much matter.  I had medical problems at the time that kept me out of "boy" things anyway.  I was in a shop class where we used regular varnish and managed to get that on my finger nails by accident, and no one gavem a hoot nor holler.