Thank You For Being Here

[Visitor]

I arrive here after having written on a site for men who were sexually abused as boys about my experience with crossdressing.  I've spent my life confused both about my sexual orientation and my gender but without memories of what happened when I was young.  I interpreted my sexual acting out, including my fixation on women's undergarments as signs I was a pervert.  As I've read here, that led to repeated cycles of obtaining, then discarding lingerie; every cycle laced with shame.  During therapy over thirty years ago I had memories of some things that happened with my mother when I was in infant, including the memory of her using a piece of silk to stimulate my genitals.  I also came upon a memory of being around two or three and going to her dresser and looking for something made of silk.  But I didn't take those memories seriously and didn't connect them to the crossdressing which began when i was 12 years old babysitting for our next door neighbor.  For some reason that completely escaped that diminutive boy, he went into that couple's bedroom and began rifling through the dresser drawers until he found her lingerie.  That was the beginning of three years in which I was fixated on having access to lingerie.  When I no longer babysat I wandered through the neighborhood to steal lingerie from clothing lines.  It is a long story that I won't go into here.

 

It has only been in the last two years that I've made the connection between that piece of silk in my crib and my obsession with sexually acting out with lingerie.  I don't believe it is connected with a need to transition and both the gender and sexual orientation confusion have made sense given my trauma history.  I was a traumatized boy whose terror was paired with the sexual stimulation that took me away.  Crossdressing has almost always, until now, been associated with relieving stress, much of which has been unresolved trauma for boyhood.  Blessedly, through hard work I've done quite a bit of healing in relation to that... but the attraction of crossdressing remains.  It is that fact that leads me to this website.  I'm wearing a brassiere as I write this... without shame but with some arousal.  I'm intent of not repeating the shame cycle again, but at the same time I've no idea what the crossdressing means in my life.  Am I in the process of ending the obsession, or is there something else here?  Last evening I wore a brassiere when I went grocery shopping and I could feel a looseness in my hips that felt different.  Wearing the brassiere did that I'm sure.  I live alone and am not in a romantic relationship, so I can indulge these feelings and behaviors quite freely.  I intend to do much more reading here even as I continue talking with male survivors about all of this.  Again, I appreciate that this site is here.  Thank you to all who keep this website operation.

[KathyLauren]

Welcome to Trans Pulse!

 

Being trans is not caused by childhood trauma, but trauma, especially of a sexual nature, can sure make it hard to figure out the whole gender thing.  They get all tangled up together into knots that are hard to unravel.

 

I would strongly recommend talking to a gender therapist, if you are not already doing so.  They specialize in helping you untangle those knots, so you can figure out who you are and what you want to do.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Visitor]

Thanks Kathy.  I'm sorry if anything I said suggested a link between being trans and childhood trauma.  That was certainly not my intention.  I'm well aware from spending time with male survivors that talking about sexual orientation and trauma can be a challenging conversation as well.  I trust that each person finds their own way through this territory and I respect the choices made.  I would certainly wish to talk with a therapist were I to conclude this is about gender.  I did note a thread in which the question was asked whether crossdressing is an effective solution to transgender feelings.  Responses were pretty clear that if a person was really drawn to transitioning, crossdressing would simply be a way station on the longer journey.  I have no idea what this is about for me at the moment.  I simply know I don't wish to shame myself in anyway about my past or my present behavior and feelings.  That in itself feels healing.  Again, I'm grateful this site exists and has a forum for exploring crossdressing.

[KathyLauren]

I didn't mean to suggest that you were implying any connection to trauma.  I was more trying to point out that it confuses our perception of who we are, and makes it hard to unravel what is really going on.

 

Different people respond differently.  For some, crossdressing is enough, for others, it isn't.  For some, social transition is enough, for others, it isn't.  For some, hormones are enough, for others, they aren't.  Everyone's path is different.  I wish you luck in finding yours.

[Visitor]

Thank you Kathy.  I've been reading on that subject this afternoon.  It is enlightening as well as respectful.  Yes, we each have to find our own relationship with both our gender and our sexuality.  The world is a better place if we have the opportunity to make our own decisions on these matters.  And yes, trauma is very disorienting on myriad levels.  We need to do our healing work before it becomes possible to fully appreciate important life choices.  And so the journey continues...