Standard Trans Explanation vs Me.???

[Heather Nicole]

Hello everyone!!!

 

From what I've seen and read, it appears that the standard "trans" explanation is "I feel that I *AM* blah blah blah gender, but my body is the opposite."

 

In contrast to that, I want to ask about my feelings of "I *WANT* to be blah blah blah gender, and feel that I would have been far better off as such." HOWEVER, I've never felt that I *AM* female, just that I'd vastly *PREFER* to be female.

 

Ie: I'm interested in the difference (if there is any???) between "I feel I *AM* female*" vs. "I *want* to be female, and I wish I was".

 

I'm a huge fan of both gender-bending fiction and biographies. (And an even HUGER fan of Milk Morinaga . Assigned male at birth and really, never, ever questioning that, I feel completely in love with everything female.

 

 

[Susan R]

One seems to be a preference (I want to be a girl) and the other is a state of being ( I am a girl). When I was younger I believe I wanted to be a girl only because I did not understand that the essence of my being was in my thoughts, perceptions, attitude and personality. It took me 56 years to acknowledge that I was a woman through and through with a body that did not match. I sort of had a feeling that “I was a girl” at an earlier time in my life but I ignored it due to what it would mean if I accepted my true self. I did as I always did....deny, suppress , compartmentalize.

 

Susan R?

[MirandaB]

Have posted this before, but this relates to this discussion:

 

The Null HypotheCis

[DeeDee]

Thanks @RhondaS I read this very early into questioning my gender and it really helped to offer a different perspective.

 

@Heathick I was not able to answer, "am I trans?" at the time, but I could answer, "am I cis?" quite easily, with a no.

 

I have never felt comfortable in my male skin even though I never thought of myself as a woman.

 

Two years later I recognise that while I may not fit the most common narrative that I saw online, I almost fit a stereotype of a transwoman with failed marriage and kids who discovers that they're trans as their "midlife crisis". A sports car would have been much easier.

 

There is no tick list to fulfill that makes you transgender, anymore than there is a ticklist for making you male.

 

Just things you think real men and real women do because that's what society tells you. The fact that you are questioning this is what is important.

 

You can appreciate art without wanting to be an artist, but if you find yourself stealing or hoarding painting materials and trying to hide it or throwing out pictures when you're done because you're ashamed to have painted them then you are not being honest with yourself.

 

Keep asking yourself why you feel this way:

6 hours ago, Heathick said:

I feel completely in love with everything female.

 

You will find your answers.

☺️

[KayC]

Thank you for posting the Null HypotheCis again @RhondaS!  I love that article, and feel like I have lived most of it.

@Heathick I traveled similar Questioning paths (and denial), but it wasn't until I went to therapy that I was finally able to ascertain (rather quickly) that ... I AM TransFeminine.  THAT was liberating!

 

If you are happy with where you are at, then that's really OK.  But, if your Questioning (or Preference) needs to be resolved then I would recommend finding a gender therapist.  What do you have to lose?

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[KathyLauren]

The difference between "I am..." and "I want to be..." is one of perception, rather than one of substance.  Had you asked me a decade or two ago, I would have said "I want to be a woman".  (Actually, I wouldn't have said it out loud; total secrecy was paramount.)  Ask me now, and I can quite readily say that I have always been a woman.  I just didn't realize it for many years, and wouldn't admit it for many more.

 

When the doctor smacked my butt at birth, he said, "It's a boy!", and everyone believed him, including me when my parents told me so.  He was wrong.  I played along with the story, because who was I to argue with a doctor.  Saying, "I am a man who wants to be a woman" was just me playing along.  I'm over that now.

 

Definitely, this is something that you should be investigating with a gender therapist.

[Confused1]

2 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

The difference between "I am..." and "I want to be..." is one of perception, rather than one of substance.  Had you asked me a decade or two ago, I would have said "I want to be a woman".  (Actually, I wouldn't have said it out loud; total secrecy was paramount.)  Ask me now, and I can quite readily say that I have always been a woman.  I just didn't realize it for many years, and wouldn't admit it for many more.

 

When the doctor smacked my butt at birth, he said, "It's a boy!", and everyone believed him, including me when my parents told me so.  He was wrong.  I played along with the story, because who was I to argue with a doctor. 

 

This pretty much describes me as well, except I an non binary leaning female and it all came crashing in on me less than a year ago!

 

Hugs,

Mike

[AmberM]

I kind of agree with some of the other people who have said their journey started out as "I want to be ..." since that doesn't involve changing one's mind or psyche that they may be something other than their gender assigned at birth. It is an interesting thought exercise that I have gone through somewhat in therapy. Through therapy, I have been challenged to see what makes a woman, and how I may already embody that or am one by virtue of simply feeling the compulsion to be one somehow.

 

This is definitely something great to talk to a therapist about. Very interesting topic that may take some time to explore.

[Heather Nicole]

Thanks so much everyone! I've been happy all day just from how helpful, thoughtful and numerous the responses have been!

It's a big relief for me hearing, almost overwhelmingly, that "trans" isn't always the "standard" story that's usually told to the general public of "I've always felt that I *am* XYZ, contrary to my body" (in a way, I kind of envy people like that. I like when things are clear-cut.). And I also appreciate the viewpoint that this doesn't necessarily mean I'm non-trans, which is a question that's really been weighing on my mind lately.

But what was especially interesting to me was the simple fact that MY REACTION to your responses was relief and a sense of satisfaction and calmness. Almost like a virtual hug I've been considering this to varying degrees for awhile now, for various other reasons, but now I'm finally convinced: It's time to admit at least THIS much to myself and take the first step: look for a good gender therapist!! (Any pointers on how to even start looking for one?)

 
@DeeDee : You make an excellent point with your art analogy! That really resonated with me: About a year or two ago, purely by chance, I discovered the LeoLines shop on Etsy (mostly panties specifically designed for people with "guy parts", but she makes other awesome things too). Some of the ones there were "shimapan" (a kind of anime-popularized style of colored, striped panties) and my immediate reaction was "OMG, I want those!!! And I have guy parts! Perfect excuse!" So I indulged, got some, loved them and it snowballed, and I started a very, super-secret collection of feminine clothing and accessories, all of which I love! (Which is NOT easy in my size, BTW! I'm a big "dude", I have trouble finding GUY clothes that fit!) Panties are especially nice since they're easily the most "stealthy" garment. Bras and sports bras can leave tell-tale lines under a shirt, and everything else is all super-obvious. But a nice cute, comfy set of panties is my own cute, comfy, personal little secret

I also, genuinely, appreciate how you directed my own quote back at me. "Keep asking yourself why you feel this way...". You made another very excellent point with that, and it will definitely stick with me. Its already been echoing in my head the whole day.

@QuestioningAmber said "...challenged to see what makes a woman, and how I may already embody that or am one by virtue of simply feeling the compulsion to be one somehow." OMG, that's a really good point! I like that! The idea that just simply "wanting" to be one is itself a form of validation. A very reasonable point! Also, high-five to a fellow Ohioan!!!

@RhondaS : Thanks for the article!!! I haven't finished it yet, but it's already been very enlighting (I'm a HUGE proponent of logic, moreso than you know). In particular, the part about:

"Cis people don’t get enormously excited when really really terrible movies that just happen to include gender-bending themes, like “Switch” or “Dr. Jekyl And Mrs. Hyde”, randomly pop up on late night TV, and stay up just to watch them"

...really resonated with me. For example, despite how mediocre it is, I was always drawn to Rob Schneider's "The Hot Chick", and always lamented how little attention it gave to the guy who got to be in a gorgeous young lady's  body. (First thing I would do is get my own navel piercing!!!!) Similarly, I've been very curious to try the movie "Switch" ever since I first discovered it at work (I work at a public library), and I've *always* been a huge fan of anything gender-bending (although, I've usually attributed that to the widespread success of Ranma 1/2 teaching everyone that gender-bending themes make for very compelling storytelling...).

Oh, also, BTW, on the off chance anyone here happens to do VRChat (I very occasionally do if I'm not too worn out from work or busy with other stuff), then PM me and we can exchange usernames! (If you want. I understand the desire for secrecy and separation - I'm the same way.)

 

 

[KathyLauren]

7 hours ago, Heathick said:

look for a good gender therapist!! (Any pointers on how to even start looking for one?)

 

You could try contacting an LGBTQ+ resource centre in your area, if there is one.  They would likely have a list of gender therapists.  You could also google "transgender resources" and the name of your state, and perhaps find contacts that way.  Finding out which ones are good might be trial-and-error.

 

If you can get local recommendations, so much the better.  That does involve coming out to someone, though, in order to ask.  ("Asking for a friend" won't cut it in this case! )  If you can find a trans support group, they would be a good source of recommendations.  Support groups are very helpful, though not a substitute for a therapist.  I used to drive an hour and a half each way to attend one.