mum needs help

[katel]

Hi everyone I feel a little strange writing here as I am not trans but my 26 yr old son told us on Friday night that he is  trans gender, bisexual and a  cross dresser and intending to undergo surgery (in time) - an absolute revelation to all of us and I have to own up that it has thrown me completely for a loop.  The son I nurtured and gave birth too has obviously been struggling with this for so long and I had no idea.  And whilst this story is actually his, I have no idea as to how to deal with my own feelings of loss right now and how best I can help and support him when I am feeling so very lost myself.  And  I don't want him to be ridiculed by others when he is cross dressing (he is 6ft 3in and is built like a rugby player) . I fear for him as the world is an unkind place at the best of times  and I have no intention of adding to his woes by being a mess in front of him .

 

How best to move forward for him and me?  My heart is breaking but I need to offer him as much support as possible but how?  Where do I start?  And should we be talking about his feelings right now - should I push or let him come to me in his own time?  It is important that he knows that he is loved unconditionally by his nucleus family.

 

And I truly don't mean to offend at all but if I don't honestly share how I feel how can I help my son?

[Abi]

@katel    

    Parenting doesn't have a guide book that is issued along with the children when they are born. That would be helpful in some ways but, there is really no need. If you openly show your love and support to them, do they not grow before your very eyes? Your heart may be telling you are suffering a loss but, in fact, this is a chance to grow for both of you while you help them stay safe. As parents, we can not control much.

    Being transgender is not something anyone has control over. The experience is profound and difficult to describe at times. Your child has asked you to be there as you always have. That is a big step for them. You are sharing your hopes for their happiness and concerns for them with us. I can only say that if you tell them your concerns, while also cheering them to be happy being themselves, you will have done everything that any loving parent can do. Not everyone gets to have the love of family through a time like this. This is your child no matter what. They are lucky for having you no matter what. They will have times of joy and sadness in life like anyone else. I predict you will be there for them no matter what. 

    Your family is not alone in this. There are a lot of resources that can help your entire family. It is good to explore counseling early on. You will have many of us as different things arise. You should always feel free to ask and we will always try to answer with kind words and honest feelings.

 

Best Wishes for your family,

Abigail

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi katel,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Your feelings are completely natural and normal. Painful feelings of loss and grief are completely valid. There is nothing wrong about feeing these feelings. 

 

Your love for your child is so apparent in your post, and that is the greatest way you can support them. Let them know that no matter what, you love them.

 

Talk about your feelings with them. Communicate your fears, your pain, and your love. Listen to theirs.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

[Heather Nicole]

In all honestly, by your post it sounds like you are already an excellent mother. I'm new to both this forum and the greater community, but I think its safe to say there are a lot of LGBT+ people who would've loved to have received the same level of love, understanding and acceptance from their parents as your child clearly has. The fact that you feel a sense of loss sounds absolutely heart-wrenching, but it also proves the depth of your love. The worry you feel over their future struggles sounds terribly difficult, but it's also proof that you have a good, healthy amount of empathy. It's undoubtedly difficult, in a way I probably can't even imagine (I have no children, only a cat), but it's a natural part of being a good parent. Try to remember that. After all, over this individual's lifetime, you've probably had countless other cases of painful worry for their well-being, too. Maybe nothing quite this grand, but it's the same instinct nonetheless. And it's an instinct that everybody deeply needs from their parent.

 

I haven't come out to my mother yet, or anyone outside this forum, but I'm a bit older than your child. And over those years, my mother and I have had our share of both rough patches and heart-to-hearts. As a result of those experiences, I feel I have a pretty good idea of how she feels about me, and how I think she would feel if I came out to her. And I have to say, it feels almost eerie how similar you sound to me own mother... (Maybe that's how I know you're a good mum ...Are you sure you're not from here in the states? )

 

So, if I know anything at all, I know this: Coming out to one's own parents is one of the most difficult, terrifying things an LGBT+ person can face. Especially if it's somebody they truly love and value (which it sounds like is probably true for you, regardless of whether if it might seem like it). Heck, for me, even as much as I know my own mother cares, and I know from her job that she isn't bigoted against F2M trans people, my worries over her immediate gut reaction (and any lingering difficulties) are absolutely, without a doubt, my #1 fear about coming out. (My job is #2 - and I have liberal co-workers.)

 

So trust me on this: If your child took the major, major step of opening up to you about this aspect of themself (and don't forget - it's only a part of them, it's still the exact same soul you've always known and nurtured, just framed in a different light)...In my opinion, they very fact they came out to you proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they have absolutely done all the research and due diligence they possibly can up to this point. They already know exactly what potential difficulties await them. And they already know full well that this is still the best past to their happiness, and that they need you, more than ever, as an ally.

 

My advice, as a questioning M2F trans person who recognizes a large part of "his?" own mother in you, is this:

 

First, try to recognize that the pain you are experiencing is exactly the same healthy, albeit painful, empathy you have always felt for every single one of the struggles of your own growing child, no mater how big or small.

 

Second, make sure he/she knows everything you've told us here. I really mean this. Everything you've communicated in your post here, is emotional gold. Everything you've told us, you need to tell your child, in no uncertain terms. This can already be uncomfortable enough already for any child who was raised as male. And (please forgive my colonial presumptuousness) the British "stiff upper lip" can throw another wrench into those works. But, in my opinion, I think it is crucial that your child (no matter their age) is well aware of everything you've already told us. It's a daunting conversation, to say the least, but remember, they've already made the most difficult move of all, by opening up to you. (Imagine the difficulty if you were to admit the same to your parents!)

[Heather Nicole]

Oh, and BTW, I'm over 6' tall with a large frame, too. I have a hard enough time finding men's clothes in my size!  You're not alone, and FWIW, neither is your child.

[KayC]

On 9/8/2020 at 12:11 AM, katel said:

The son I nurtured and gave birth too has obviously been struggling with this for so long and I had no idea.  And whilst this story is actually his, I have no idea as to how to deal with my own feelings of loss right now and how best I can help and support him when I am feeling so very lost myself.

Hi Kate
Thank you so much for coming to this site, with the intent to do everything you can to support your son.  You already received some great support and encouragement from other Members here, so I will just add this ...

First - its not unusual that you might have "no idea" because for the person with gender dysphoria it sometimes takes the better part of a lifetime to discover it ourselves (and we live that life).  So, for a parent or spouse cannot know, because we often hide it from our selves.

 

On 9/8/2020 at 12:11 AM, katel said:

It is important that he knows that he is loved unconditionally by his nucleus family.

And, you answered your own question.  This is exactly how you support him.  Yes, its scary for everybody involved, and that is what worries a parent the most.  But you will not be "losing" him, you will just find Her being able to truly live her Life with hope and happiness.

And .. in the end, that's what parents like us really want for our kids. 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time ❤️

[Emily michelle]

Welcome I know it is a shock and can be hard to handle at times. You already have one great thing going for you, you care enough to reach out for help and support. Being there to love and support your child is the number 1 item. Your child may not be ready to tell you their full feelings yet but with you being there eventually they will open up. 
I realized I was transgender when I was 32 so I’m not that far off from your child. My parents found out by not me coming out to them but more like I was deliberately put on the spot and after that it has gone down hill. I don’t speak to my parents right now time will tell if I do again. I used to say before I would be just fine without them. Let me tell you it truly hurts. I know the holidays are a ways away but to think I most likely won’t be with them or the rest of my family on the holidays really hurts. 
 

This is a transition for everyone the biggest thing you can do is just be there for them. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I’m still at the beginning my wife notices all the time. I get in a mood and about the only thing that helps is being held and shown love. Another big thing is find out what pronouns your child wants to use and do your best to use them it’s hard to get used to but it’s even harder when they here the wrong pronouns. I compare it to getting a papercut it’s doesn’t seem like much but it can really hurt. If you ever need someone to talk to just reach out.

[Elizabeth Star]

Hi katel,

 

Something I feel that is worth mentioning is to let them go at their own pace.

[Heather Shay]

Welcome Katel

 

I am so happy to see you are open. One to know is this is not something you or your wanted but it just is and you and everyone involved will go through stage of grief and growth and everyone will go through stages differently and at different paces. I am 68 and just going through stages with my family and friends. 

 

I am so glad you joined this forum. I have been so supported here with honest answers, empathy and truth. That is what we offer and it is yours as a resource for all your questions and worries.

 

Again welcome.

 

Heather Shay

[Berni]

@katel

 

I just wanted to say welcome and bless you for caring enough to post here. You have received some wonderful advice from others and they have said everything and more than I can think of.

 

For your daughter, I am so pleased she told you. I knew my own truth since childhood but never told my own mother and regret it so much. She passed a few years ago without ever really knowing me and I regularly dream that I am telling her and that she understands. I realise this is hard for you but, honestly, it is wonderful she told you