Timidly saying hello.

[Sarah Isosys]

Hi, i'm Sarah,  joined about a week or two ago and timidly saying hello. 

 

For years I questioned what gender meant to me and what I actually resonated with. I feel more female than masculine yet I am stuck in a mans body. Repressed it for a long, LONG time and honestly never wanted to any of the things a "man" should do, be, act, etc. Never felt like I was "one of the boys", like I was an imposter and I overcompensated at times. Didn't feel right. I nearly joined the military cause I didn't know what else to do to feel more man like even though I knew deep down inside....girl.

• I've looked up gender fluidity, non binary, cross dressing, transgender.
• Pretty sure about MtF but I still struggle with doubting myself.
• I've seen older people transition and look amazing, so I can too, right?
• I've gone thru some hard questions, red pill girl, blue pill boy, red...always red.
• I smile hysterically when I look down at my skirt.
• Lots of anxiety but therapy helps, so, I might lurk a bit. 

 

Not sure what else to say. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Sarah.  It's nice to meet you.  Your story resonates with me and will also with many others here.  No reason to be timid b/c you're among friends here.  The answers to most of your questions can be found within these forums, so I encourage you to look around and ask questions.  We're pretty good with answers.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Berni]

10 hours ago, Sarah Isosys said:

 

For years I questioned what gender meant to me and what I actually resonated with. I feel more female than masculine yet I am stuck in a mans body. Repressed it for a long, LONG time and honestly never wanted to any of the things a "man" should do, be, act, etc. Never felt like I was "one of the boys", like I was an imposter and I overcompensated at times. 

 

Hi Sarah and Welcome! 

Reading tour intro I was thinking you could be writing about me! 

I spent so long thinking I was too old and it was too late ..  but, people on here will tell you its never too late to be yourself.

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @Sarah Isosys! Welcome to Transpulse.

 

First off. You're not old. ?

 

Secondly, well your story matches up in some spot or another with nearly all the girls here. Lots of us go into the military. Lots of us go into heavily masculine careers. Some of us regret going into heavily masculine careers because we get a lot of push-back when we come out. All that fun stuff.

Most of us end up grinning like loons when we finally admit to ourselves who we really are.

 

So yeah, please feel free to look around, start discussions, lurk, whatever makes you comfortable. We'll be here whenever you need to talk.

 

Hugs!

[Elizabeth Star]

Hi Sarah,

 

Like others here, I can relate to a lot of your intro.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Sarah.  I am sure a lot of us can relate to your introduction.  I certainly could.  Some of us are farther along the path, others are not as far along as you.  So feel free to ask questions or answer them, whatever suits you.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Cyndee]

Welcome Sarah, I hope you enjoy your time with us, post away as the mood strikes ya

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Sarah Isosys said:

Never felt like I was "one of the boys", like I was an imposter and I overcompensated at times.

Hi Sarah!  nice to meet you and Welcome!

You've stated many things that I connect with, and have struggled with for more than 50 years.  Coming to this Forum has allowed me to stop wondering and start answering and moving forward.  I truly hope you find the same.  There are many like us here.

You mentioned you are in Therapy?  that's great!!  If they are not a gender specialist you may want to transition to one, as therapy has been the greatest source of self-acceptance for me (and overcoming my anxieties) in just a few short months.

Welcome again!  Wishing the Best for you❣️

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Heather Shay]

Hello Sarah.   Join the club.. You sound like a lot of us here and know you have have a loving community to listen and accept whatever you feel and need and willingly want what is best for you unconditionally.

[Abi]

Hi Sarah,

    I'm sure you'll find a lot of friends here. I get the very same thrills any time I get to dress the way I wish. It just feels so good to be yourself, right? We all have things we feel anxiety over. The great thing about this forum is how many people there are that can relate and are happy to share. For a while at first, I kind of lurked, I suppose. I just read a lot and felt like adding a little more here and there. I got my fair share of grief from people that expected me to act. I found being around most men was very tiring as a youth. It's boring. Drinking and womanizing was very difficult to watch and impossible to relate to. After a while, I just avoided the whole scene. I'd rather be less social than stuck where I know I do not belong. Nice to meet you. 

[Lee H]

Hi Sarah, glad you're here.

19 hours ago, Sarah Isosys said:

• Pretty sure about MtF but I still struggle with doubting myself.
• I've seen older people transition and look amazing, so I can too, right?

Me too, on both counts.

~~A hug from Lee~~

[Sarah Isosys]

Thanks, it does feel nice to finally have a place where I can feel at ease with this topic. Especially knowing there are others who are in the same boat or have already sailed long and far.  

 

 

11 hours ago, Abi said:

I found being around most men was very tiring as a youth. It's boring. Drinking and womanizing was very difficult to watch and impossible to relate to. After a while, I just avoided the whole scene. I'd rather be less social than stuck where I know I do not belong. Nice to meet you. 

That hits home, I found it incredibly draining and very much boring to the point where I would just avoid it entirely and grew to enjoy solitude. 

 

16 hours ago, Berni said:

 

I spent so long thinking I was too old and it was too late ..  but, people on here will tell you its never too late to be yourself.

Been watching Jacki Rabbit, among many others, on youtube. Shes been such a great source for me and she looks amazing!

 

11 hours ago, KayC said:

You mentioned you are in Therapy?  that's great!!  If they are not a gender specialist you may want to transition to one, as therapy has been the greatest source of self-acceptance for me (and overcoming my anxieties) in just a few short months.

I'll look up gender therapy, and likely bring it up during my next session this week. Still am still terrified of all of this but find myself slowly become more at ease...slowly. Lots of doubt still lingers and knowing I have somewhere to gain support makes it that much easier.

 

 

[Lee H]

Sweet Sarah --

You must be reading my internal memos to self: :

 

6 hours ago, Sarah Isosys said:

Still am still terrified of all of this but find myself slowly become more at ease...slowly. Lots of doubt still lingers and knowing I have somewhere to gain support makes it that much easier.

 

I can so relate. I take comfort knowing that my decision to start HRT, if the VA will let me, is not a decision to go into the OR tomorrow for SRS and a boob job. Who knows if someday I might do that, but just for today, I only want a carefully monitored dose of E and whatever else the endocrinologist thinks I should have. Whatever changes happen, will happen slowly, and I'll be able to evaluate them each day. Still scary, though. Keep going or turn back? Let's hold hands, comfort one another and venture forth. 

 

~~With a hand hold and a hug, Lee~~

 

 

[Susan R]

On 9/12/2020 at 3:15 PM, Sarah Isosys said:

Pretty sure about MtF but I still struggle with doubting myself.

Nice to meet you @Sarah Isosys. Welcome to our little home away from home.  Your thoughts and experiences are common place here so I believe you’ll find real friends and support easily.

This doubting will fade once you shed those years of societal propaganda and indoctrination and relax in what you now know to be the truth. In our youth, we were told certain things about ourselves and how we should be. Much of it did not match what we knew to be true. Now you are coming into your own and realizing that the only one who can determine who you are..is you. Of course, a good gender (focused) therapist can often speed this process up with you.

 

Hope to read more about you and your journey thus far. Thanks for joining us and participating.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Lexi C]

hey Sarah Welcome a board

Be Safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

[KymmieL]

On 9/12/2020 at 4:15 PM, Sarah Isosys said:

. I nearly joined the military cause I didn't know what else to do to feel more man like even though I knew deep down inside....girl

 

For years I wonder why I did join the military. My dad even asked me several times why I joined. My answer was always I don't really know why I did. That was until about 3 years ago. After reading some stuff online. I realized just why I did.  To do the manly thing. The light became brighter, burning through the haze. The sign post says, hey dumb arse you are a girl.

 

Welcome to Transpulse. We are a safe place to be the girl you are. We help and don't judge.

 

Kymmie

[Heather Shay]

Yes - I've read how so many trans over react by joining the military thinking that would help. 

 

Kristen Beck's book Warrior Princess is excellent in that regard.

[Lee H]

I joined to avoid getting drafted for early 'Nam. Then I got into a career that would support all my manly man facade -- men's tennis, skiing fast, golf, DIY all over two houses, building and using a fully equipped woodworking shop,  coaching girls fastpitch -- and all like that.

Through it all, I imagined, I dressed, I felt guilty, I suppressed, I repeated -- decades of this. Finally, thanks to the Covid lockdown, I'm exploring virturally full time femininity -- expressing, not suppressing. It feels -- natural, really. Not particularly exciting now that it's commonplace, not hidden, at least in my house, not risky now that I've found all you others -- just the way I want to look and feel.

I know more will be revealed.

~~For whatever that tangent might be worth, Lee~~

[Heather Shay]

I kept my light beard all my life and my wife never saw my clean face until I finally came out a few months ago and now I can't stand having ANY hair on my face. The beard was to try to hold me back from my denials of who I am. GLAD IT'S GONE.

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Shay said:

I kept my light beard all my life and my wife never saw my clean face until I finally came out

Yeah, that's another thing.   I hid behind a chest-length beard for years.   "See, I'm a man - this proves it!"

Did the manly job thing as well - construction - drove truck for the city etc.

On 9/13/2020 at 5:52 AM, Jackie C. said:

Most of us end up grinning like loons when we finally admit to ourselves who we really are.

That was such a relief.  Pity it took so long.

[lauraincolumbia]

I was a muscle-head and did some extreme sports...   Unfortunately, I cant get rid of the broad shoulders