Summer and my marriage are entering a Fall.

[Mmindy]

My wife wrote me a letter today saying she knows she can't hold me back from transitioning, because that would be unfair to me and my true mindset. She is looking at our existence together as House Mates financially tied to one another but not as Husband and Wife, not Wife and Wife, not Best Friends, not Partners, MERELY HOUSE MATES. She knows I love her, but she consideres her marriage and husband dead. She just isn't a lesbian and isn't going to let people see her as one. She is willing to go to counseling with me to hear me out and listen, but she will not be convinced that our remaining together is anything short of a lesbian marriage. She thinks that my transgender issues don't fall within the sickness and health or for better or worse portion of our marriage vows. If my tremors turn out to be Parkinson's then she would stick it out because that's a real sickness, and my trans issues are not.

 

I'm hopeful in that she said she would go to counseling, and that she thinks it would be unfair for her to try and stop my need for transition. She said she just needs her space. We will not be going on weekend outings or vacations together. She thinks I've been using her as a shield and lying about my real needs for decades. 

 

I'm on the road teaching this week and won't have a chance for a face to face conversation with her until Friday night.

 

Heart broken and scared,

 

Mindy????

[Elizabeth Star]

I'm sorry to hear Mindy.

[Emily michelle]

I’m so sorry she said that to you. I hope your ok. That is good she is willing to go to therapy. Maybe she can be convinced and see the light that you are better off transitioning. She may even change her mind to best friends. I could see her needing space to get her thoughts in order and hopefully when she is over that phase she might change her mind. If you ever need to talk we’re all here.

[Heather Shay]

Even when that situation of living under the same roof happens does not mean she might not change.  Keep planting good seeds but do remember there is only one person you have control of and that is you. Be the best you to can. If she goes thru the stages of grief and still wants out there isn't much you can do but she may change when she sees how happy you are and may change here if.

[Confused1]

I'm sorry Mindy,

 

My marriage was a roller coaster for awhile. My wife said those things to me once as well. Hopefully therapy can help.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Mmindy]

Thank you everyone,

 

Mindy????

[Jacqui]

So sorry to hear this, Mindy.

 

Hugs,

Jacqui

[Susan R]

6 hours ago, Mmindy said:

I'm hopeful in that she said she would go to counseling, and that she thinks it would be unfair for her to try and stop my need for transition.

Mindy, This is surely a setback but the quote above is reason alone to keep hope. Research the therapist she’s going to use as best as you can because I’ve found (through talking with two other trans women who are in similar situations) that it can make or break a relationship. The therapist’s understanding of trans related issues, their religious beliefs, current marital status, even political affiliations can make all the difference in the world as to how well they will help, their perspectives, and advice. Not all of that is easy information to obtain unless you know someone who has used them for awhile.

 

I am so sorry you’re having to go through this. My heart goes out to you.

Susan R?

[Patti Anne]

10 hours ago, Mmindy said:

She is looking at our existence together as House Mates financially tied to one another but not as Husband and Wife, not Wife and Wife, not Best Friends, not Partners, MERELY HOUSE MATES.

 

Hi Mindy. Not to come off as trite or to minimize your heartbreak, but there are a few sayings that while they seem overly simple, are surprisingly true. At least I've found them to be.....

 

1. Never say never.

2. You never know what's around the bend...

3. Who coulda predicted that?

4. You can't make this stuff up......

 

You get the idea. 

 

Best wishes,

 

Patti

[Elizabeth Star]

10 hours ago, Mmindy said:

She is looking at our existence together as House Mates financially tied to one another but not as Husband and Wife, not Wife and Wife, not Best Friends, not Partners, MERELY HOUSE MATES. She knows I love her, but she considers her marriage and husband dead.

My wife said almost the exact same things. Word for word. 

 

I have more thoughts on this but I need to get ready for work.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Mmindy said:

She said she just needs her space. We will not be going on weekend outings or vacations together. She thinks I've been using her as a shield and lying about my real needs for decades. 

I'm so sorry, Mindy, to hear things have taken a turn for the worse in your marriage.  Like @Susan R said, the fact that she is willing to attend therapy is a positive sign.
I think the spouse's feeling of what they see a some sort of betrayal is natural .. I am pretty sure my wife has some similar feelings I am hoping she can overcome them.  For her, it would be to come to understanding that we were just born this way .. and we've gone through most of our lives not even understanding who we are, ourselves.  From that point I think a reconciliation and building of trust has a chance.

Truly praying you guys can make a turnaround ?❤️

[KymmieL]

Mindy, Sad to hear that your wife is the same as mine. How can someone who you love unconditionally, and seems to love us the same hurt us so badly. She says that she doesn't understand my need to be female.

 

Unfortunately I can never be room mates with my wife. My love is so strong that if I cannot be with her. I won't just live in the structure with her. Heck I couldn't stay in the same town and not be with her. If it ever happened that I saw her with another romantically, lets say you would never find him. 

 

As for therapy together, I suggested that. She wasn't sure about going with me. saying maybe I'll find my own. She seems to blame my Therapist for who I am.

 

Stay strong, Mindy

 

Hugs

Kymmie

[Abi]

@Mmindy, 

    You have a beautiful heart and care so deeply for other's. I am sad to know you're not getting the much needed support, you need, in return. I've been right there, just for different reasons. I'm really sorry to hear about your tremors too. Hopefully it turns out to be something far less extreme. I have hand and leg tremors that have not been diagnosed, yet, myself. Stay positive. Letting everything drag you down will not help. If you need anything or just want to vent, I'm here.

 

Abigail

[Mmindy]

14 hours ago, Susan R said:

Research the therapist she’s going to use as best as you can because I’ve found (through talking with two other trans women who are in similar situations) that it can make or break a relationship.

Susan, I'm looking to meet with a Indy Trans Group and ask for counseling advice for the same reasons you listed. 

 

Thank you for being here.

 

Hugs

[Mmindy]

10 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

My wife said almost the exact same things. Word for word. 

 

I have more thoughts on this but I need to get ready for work.

Thank you Elizabeth, I know what it's like to drop by the forums and see someone needing a response, but life calls and time is short. 

 

Hugs

[Mmindy]

Thank you everyone who has committed on this thread. I do feel the care and concern from you all. Just because I didn't direct quote your response doesn't mean, I dismiss your valued encouragement.

 

Hugs, 

 

Mindy??????

[Tory Aoi]

It can really be hard to say how those in our lives will react.  I cannot say what is best, since I know every situation is different.  Whatever happens, hopefully it will be with everyone better off in the long run.  Good luck!

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Tory Aoi said:

Whatever happens, hopefully it will be with everyone better off in the long run.  Good luck!

Thank you Tory,

 

I was on the road most of this week so my phone calls home were a mixed bag, with only slight anger from her. I got home late last night, she was civil with family updates, and plans for the weekend. While we didn't greet each other with hugs, she didn't ignore my existence. She also said good night to me before we closed our separate bedroom doors. This morning was better as we got ready for work. I've got to get us both into couples therapy, it would be real helpful if she would take advantage of her company EAP to see a therapist herself.

 

Great Big Hoosier Hugs for you, and I hope you have a great weekend.

 

Mindy???

[Confused1]

4 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Thank you Tory,

 

I was on the road most of this week so my phone calls home were a mixed bag, with only slight anger from her. I got home late last night, she was civil with family updates, and plans for the weekend. While we didn't greet each other with hugs, she didn't ignore my existence. She also said good night to me before we closed our separate bedroom doors. This morning was better as we got ready for work. I've got to get us both into couples therapy, it would be real helpful if she would take advantage of her company EAP to see a therapist herself.

 

Great Big Hoosier Hugs for you, and I hope you have a great weekend.

 

Mindy???

 

Hi Mindy,

 

Don't give up yet. Many of us have heard the same things you have heard from your wife and with similar reactions.

 

I don't know if you are Christian, but I just put something in the Christian forum that might help either way. It is called "A Tool for Countering Arguments." It helped with my wife. Take a look.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Heather Shay]

@Mmindy slow progress yet it is progress. Couples counselling and therapy for her as?well will help if she is open to it. My first wife wasn't so that became a no win situation. My 2nd?wife is much more open and when the time comes I'm confident she will come with me. Just having her willing to talk is good. She is going through her own grieving process so be kind and supportive and never yell. 

[Tory Aoi]

On 9/18/2020 at 8:38 AM, Mmindy said:

Thank you Tory,

 

I was on the road most of this week so my phone calls home were a mixed bag, with only slight anger from her. I got home late last night, she was civil with family updates, and plans for the weekend. While we didn't greet each other with hugs, she didn't ignore my existence. She also said good night to me before we closed our separate bedroom doors. This morning was better as we got ready for work. I've got to get us both into couples therapy, it would be real helpful if she would take advantage of her company EAP to see a therapist herself.

 

Great Big Hoosier Hugs for you, and I hope you have a great weekend.

 

Mindy???

 

Same to you as well!

 

Sounds like you've got a good start on this, therapy can make a world of difference.

 

[Mmindy]

On 9/18/2020 at 11:47 AM, Confused1 said:

I don't know if you are Christian, but I just put something in the Christian forum that might help either way. It is called "A Tool for Countering Arguments." It helped with my wife. Take a look

Thanks Mike,

 

I am and will look later.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Bobbie Scott]

Morning girls, Elizabeth, I'm going through the same thing right now. One minute she's angry and vicious. Then she misses me.  Right now I'm going through a stage of trying to be friends. I don't live with her,but I've been going to her place and doing stuff for her. She throws digs at me. But it's getting better. She says she wants to support me. We'll see. I'm hoping for the best. In the beginning I felt like you do. Just keep the door open if that's what you truly want .