Hello

[Ithani]

Hi everyone,

 

 I received a great welcome from Shay already, but I've been a little reluctant to post. I'm a bit shy, so forgive me for lurking way more than posting.

 

 I've recently turned forty, which I'm not terribly excited about. I'm just about to hit the six month mark on HRT and am just now starting to not hate the reflection in the mirror. I've known that I was transgender (though the words didn't really exist back then) since I was four years old. I tried at 18 and 23 to transition, but the gatekeeping back then combined with my incredibly unsafe living conditions made that not a good choice for me.  I stuck to anti-depressants for a very long time, and that worked until it didn't. The good news is that in my second month of HRT I was able to drop the anti-depressants and I don't miss them at all. Estrogen kicks the butt of any other medicine I've ever had.

 

 I started to realize what I was doing was a suicide attempt. I almost realized it too late. I told my wife what was going on and it was actually fine. Then it really wasn't fine. Then it was fine again, then it really really wasn't fine and fortunately we are in a place where it is fine again for now.

 

 I'm really grateful that I have an excellent and supportive therapist. Like I said, I'm really shy and I have moved nearly every year of my entire life so I don't have any friends. I always thought I never needed them, but that was just one of the many lies I've told myself over the years.

 

 Anyway, that is my brief story. You all look really beautiful and I'm glad my therapist told me about this site. I look forward to meeting you all!

 

Lots of love,

 

Ithani

[Ivy]

Welcome Ithani

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, Ithani said:

I tried at 18 and 23 to transition, but the gatekeeping back then

Hi @Ithani, nice to meet you. I’m 58 but when I was 23 I started my transition and like you mention, the gatekeeping just to start hormones was really intense. At the time I couldn’t even afford the year of therapy required to start them here in Washington State..let alone the prescription itself.

 

3 hours ago, Ithani said:

I'm really grateful that I have an excellent and supportive therapist. Like I said, I'm really shy and I have moved nearly every year of my entire life so I don't have any friends. I always thought I never needed them, but that was just one of the many lies I've told myself over the years.

This is really good to read. A good therapist can make all the difference in the world. I’m sure as time moves forward and with some continuing great support, your life will become more stable (in regards to moving every year) and you’ll begin to feel more your true self. There’s a good support system in place right here too. You’ve already met one of them...@Shay and there are many more that will be there if you need them...myself included. I’m glad you’ve joined us.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Ithani.  Big congrats on the HRT and your therapist and all the rest.  I hope we can be of service in these forums and answer any questions you have.  Your contributions, whatever they may be, are welcome.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jackie C.]

Hey @Ithani! Your story sounds super familiar. I'm glad you managed to shift gears to a more positive path. I did much the same thing, but it took until I was 48 to have my, "Wait, this is stupid," moment.

 

Looking forward to hearing more from you and welcome to TransPulse!

 

Hugs!

[Timber Wolf]

 

 

 

Hi Ithany,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here:!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[KayC]

Hi @Ithani!  nice to meet you, and Welcome!

 

Its sounds like you are on the path of a creating a foundation of progress with HRT and a great therapist.  I know you will find connecting on this Forum will put some extra wind in your sails. 

I hope you will also be able to share and help others ... I am not as far along as you are, so I look forward to hearing more from you.

19 hours ago, Ithani said:

I don't have any friends. I always thought I never needed them, but that was just one of the many lies I've told myself over the years.

I have friendships, but it's hard for me to say I have good friends.  I have always wondered Why(?)
But in the process of therapy and self-discovery, I've come to realize that my gender dysphoria (mostly hidden) has probably hindered me from creating strong bonds of friendship.  When we cannot be our True selves .. how is it possible to share ourselves and our lives with others?  I am hoping that changes in the future as self-acceptance begins to become more predominant in my relationships. 
I hope your find the same❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Ithani]

Thank you, everyone, for the kind greetings and warm welcome! I look forward to meeting and speaking with you all in the near future.

 

Right now, my spouse is concerned that I will be influenced in some way by forums and has recommended that I stay away from them, so I won't be able to spend a great deal of time here for the moment. My therapist, however, recommends the forums as a way to broaden my support system. So that will just have to work itself out later.

 

In the meantime, I am just so happy to have my HRT refilled. There was some overlap with the doctors appointment and my prescription running out. Way too much stress, and I am grateful that it is over!

 

I hope you all have a beautiful week!

 

Ithani

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Ithani, I am sorry to hear that your spouse is putting pressure on you to limit or end your participation with online forums like this.  It is probable that nothing I say would convince her of this, but the fact is that it has always been the policy of Trans Pulse, and Laura's Playground before that, never to pressure anyone to transition, take HRT, or to have surgery.  The decision to take those steps will always be between the member, their therapist, their doctors, and their loved ones.  The only person who can decide what path to take, or to take any path, is the member themselves.

 

What we offer here is advice, personal experience, and arrows to point you in the direction of resources.  If we have ever done otherwise it was a mistake, but I can't recall such an error in judgement having occurred in a very long time.  I wish you, and your spouse, the best of luck.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Niamh]

I have some sympathy with your wife's concerns. I have indeed experienced some quite strong opinions from facebook groups and trans women who have argued that I should only consider my own immediate needs when deciding when and how I should progress with transition. They have overlooked that immediate and full transition may not be right for everyone that questions their gender identity. These women have had an absolutely clear idea of their gender identity and have not considered that there may be other scenarios such as my own. While I may eventually determine that living as a woman full time is the right thing for me, I cannot ignore that I don't have the same level of gender dysphoria as others and neither am I willing to ignore the decades of love and care I have shared with my wife.

So while I think you should consider what is said in forums and facebook groups, you also need to question everything - that includes what you hear from those sources as well as what your hear from your own mind. Evaluate everything and then make decisions which also take into account your own history and relationships. 

[Beverly]

On 9/19/2020 at 1:00 PM, Ithani said:

The good news is that in my second month of HRT I was able to drop the anti-depressants and I don't miss them at all. Estrogen kicks the butt of any other medicine I've ever had.

I had the same experience, Ithani, with estradiol. Once I started HRT, I no longer needed anti-depressant meds or had mood swings. I unscientifically chalked it up to my female brain needing female hormones to function at a high level. I'm sure there were some behavioral aspects as well, like finally living my truth outwardly in the correct gender for me.