Vittoria’s story

[Victoria_]

Hello, my name is Vittoria.

I was born in the southern part of Sicily 22 years ago. My family is very very big. Fourteen uncles, twelve first cousin, a lot of second cousins, great-uncles, my grandparents, and my great grandmother. These are many people! In my father family I was the first nephew, the first great grandchild. They really wanted a male, but unfortunately I was born female. To be precise, my brain, my soul, my mind, we can call it in different ways) was female but not my body. My body was a boy body. 

My childhood wasn’t happy. My mother wasn’t a loving person, and my father was always busy with work. I grew up with my grandparents, especially my grandmother, who now suffers from Alzheimer’s disease and isn’t able to recognize me. I love her so much. The only positive thing that I have in my childhood is my sister, the most special person that I ever met. I was a very happy and intelligent child. I liked to play, I loved animals, painted a lot. But the clouds were arriving for me. I didn’t like to be a boy. When I played with my cousins I enjoyed to pretend to be a famous actress from a tv series that we watched on TV. When my father discovered that became furious: “You can’t be Cettina! If you wanna play you must be Ciccio (another actor) because he is a boy like you!”. I really hated to be Ciccio.

I liked to play with my sister with dolls, when my father discovered this, he hid the dolls and their wardrobe. When I was swimming in the sea I used to say “I’m a “papera”(female of duck), and he, with anger, replied “no, you are a “papero” (the male of duck). I was so sad. Some examples to explain how difficult was my situation. But I was very diligent and I wanted to make my parents happy and proud for me. I repressed myself. I was 4 years old. In that period the tics appeared. They’re still with me. My world became dark and scary. My father shouted at me, he didn’t accept that his son, who had the duty to bring up the honor and the name of the family, was a sick child, full of fear and tics. I was only a child and I wanted to die. It’s very hard to live with tics. I have a genetic predisposition for them, but the reproaches, the screams, made them worse and permanent, and eventually I have learned to accept them. 

At school the situation was terrible. I was an excellent student, the first of the class but I was bullied from the first to the high school. I suffered insults and beatings. They called me “-awesome person-” because I was very feminine, I used to seat like a woman crossing the legs, I swayed my buttocks and my mother was furious for that. To make her happy, and to avoid to be bullied I started observing the other boys, their posture, their pose, to imitate them. For a lot of years I walked in a strange, semi-rigid and robotic way. I liked girls, but I liked boys too, and when one day, my parents found my chronology on Internet they took me to my room where I passed the worst night in my life. My father didn’t talk to me for a month, a month without a word. For a year he talked to me only to scold me and to despise me. It was a terrible period. I was a teenager and my body started to change, and it was terrible. My genitals always made me feel very strange, but when the mustache started to appear it was heartbreaking. I hated them with all my heart. When people started to say “Wow, your beard hair are appearing” I used to run away from them, to cry, full of anger. I hated my body, I hated my life, school, family, everything and so at 14 for the first time I tried to kill me. I’m afraid of heights, and I was on the banister of my roof, ready to jump. A voice in my head said that it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault if everything was going bad; maybe one day I would have had the opportunity to be happy. With the Beatles I thought “There will be an answer”. I didn’t jump. 

After this there was a period of denial. I felt gulty, and I became very close with the Church. Maybe, I thought, if I pray a lot, God can save me, maybe I’m going to become priest so I won’t have temptations. The members of a Christian sect found me, a desperate teen that needed help and love, and that was a very dark period. 

At the end of the high school I was probably one of the best student of my lyceum (I’m not very good only at English, so sorry if I made some mistakes), and I wasn’t sure about my future work. It was a coincidence and I tried a test in Rome (that is our Capital) to enter in an important University. We were ten thousand people and only 270 were allowed. I hadn’t studied for that test, I was only trying. I passed. 

I started Medicine University and I leave my city, my family, my old life. It was scary on one hand, but on the other hand it helped me a lot. I found the strength to leave that insidious sect (the members that called me brother now hate me a lot), I met a lot of new friends, and after one year I met my girlfriend. 

This is the happy ending? No! I wasn’t happy. Something inside me was bubbling. I handled my depression for a period, but there was something hidden inside me. During COVID-19 quarantine, I was only, due to lockdown, and it was an opportunity to think about my life, about my feelings, about the problem that I have with try body image. I didn’t know my problem. One evening in tv there was a film “The Danish girl”. I watched it. It changed everything. That night I didn’t sleep. That night I found the true myself. From that moment my journey started. I have a lot of problems and a lot of challenges to deal with. But now I know the true myself, I found the answer to the question that I did when I was attempting suicide. I know what I have to do to be happy. 

Jackie Rabbit sent me. Her videos on YouTube are so beautiful and inspiring, she is helping a lot in this period. 

Sorry for my very long story (and for my English!). I really like this forum and I hope that one day I will be able to tell you the rest of the story, the best part, the part that will have to be written. 

Love, Vittoria.

[Ivy]

Hello Vittoria, and welcome.

[Astrid]

Hello, Vittoria!  You will find many others here with stories similar to your own, and support for your journey.  Are there programs or people at the University that can offer assistance, perhaps?

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

[Kestrel McLoughlin]

Thanks for that extraordinary story. Know that your story isn't over. In a way it's just beginning; and you get to decide whether what you've told us so far gets the right - the honour - to continue being your story. The people, the childhood, you can decide who and what to carry in your heart and who to leave behind. Whatever you choose is the right choice, it will come from your heart.

 

Be gentle with yourself, give yourself kindness, and the rest will follow.

 

Welcome and love Vittoria!

[Victoria_]

Hi, and thank you for your answers! 

Dear Astrid, unfortunately in my university there isn’t any support group, it isn’t a LGBTQ+ friendly place (in Italy only a few universities are supporting our community). I will try with the public counseling center, maybe they will help me find a therapist. 

Kestrel, I’ve just read your presentation post, you’re an amazing writer and a shining girl, welcome to you too :) ❤️

[Berni]

@Victoria_ Welcome!

 

Such a beautiful, tragic story that echoes so many experiences I, and I'm sure many others, have also felt. I am so happy you are tasting some freedom at last and are on this journey of discovery.

[Charlize]

Welcome Victoria.  I remember seeing the Danish Girl.  I had been living as myself for years but watching her was so beautiful and sad that i cried.  

I am sorry you are in a situation where acceptance is so difficult.  This is not an easy journey for anyone.  Knowing i wasn't alone helped me a great deal.  We help each other as few others are able can.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Astrid]

4 hours ago, Victoria_ said:

I will try with the public counseling center, maybe they will help me find a therapist. 

 

Google has links to LGBT support groups in Rome, such as https://ilga-europe.org/mental-health/help  -- but it appears that the listed websites are not active any longer.  This will take a bit more digging.  Let's hope that the public counseling center has up-to-date information on support groups in the Rome area.

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

 

[Victoria_]

Thank you girls for your support! Yes, I’m experiencing more freedom, Rome is very different from my little town where everybody knows everybody. Sad to say, my university has a lot of connections with the Catholic Church (everything in Rome has a connection with priests! ) and this isn’t very good for me. But I hope that my friends will support me anyway, you are helping me a lot, reading your stories is a big relief, if you made it, I can do it. I just discovered that one of the support groups in the list is still active, and, surprise, it’s very close to my house! 
Hugs and thank you ? 

[Emily michelle]

Hi and welcome Vittoria!

[Astrid]

6 hours ago, Victoria_ said:

 I just discovered that one of the support groups in the list is still active, and, surprise, it’s very close to my house! 
Hugs and thank you ? 

 

Yayyyy! Wonderful  news!! ??It will be good to meet others who understand what you are experiencing. 

 

More hugs,

 

Astrid