Saying it out

[Sawaal]

I am just here to say some stuff out. I have been to therapist for almost 9 months last year but never could bring up the topic. I am a foreign PhD student in USA. I am married with a kid. I have multiple stresses related to grad school my financial situation as a foreign student and sometimes with gender. I prefer to think gender is not a big issue for me and other stressors are more dominant for me. Only difference is I can't talk about it or even think about it. I am paranoid someone would find out my thoughts and it scares me. I went to a doc for meds to help me 3 times but because I could not explain the problem. He though I was a other grad student struggling with pace of my research and refused to give me anti depression meds. What I could not say is that among grad school related stresses I have other things bottled my inside also. Sometimes I feel like a woman. Although sometimes don't feel like it. I have felt like that ever since I was young. I am in my 30's now. I have dressed up as woman and fantasized about being one on countless occasions. I just can't say it out because I have a family. And also that I have to return to a country after my PhD that does not have any space for these things. I cannot afford to let anyone into my thoughts. I know there is no resolution for me but just putting it out there because I need to.

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @Sawaal and welcome to TransPulse!

 

First off, you're not alone. Genderfluid, cross-dressing, bi-gendered and just generally non-binary people exist! Many of them frequent this site. In any case, we all can empathize with your struggle at least a little. We've all been where you are. That dark place where we know there's something wrong, but we're afraid to tell anyone about it for fear of being ostracized and losing everything we've worked for.

 

Secondly, you should absolutely discuss this with your therapist. It's a good plan for several reasons. One, he may actually be able to help you. Two, he's basically sworn to silence about anything the two of you discuss. It's part of their code of ethics. He can lose his license for spreading stuff about you around. Three, he won't reject you. They've seen, heard and/or done it all. Four, if he can't help you (because gender stuff is a specialty they're not all trained on) he can refer you to someone who can. I realize it takes some courage to come out to anybody, but your therapist (or someone your therapist knows professionally) can help you get to the bottom of these feelings. Please talk to your therapist. He can't help you if he doesn't know what's wrong.

 

Finally, who says you lose everything if you come out? Now, I don't know where you're from and it might be illegal to be trans, homosexual or whatever there, but I assure you that accepting families exist. Admittedly the odds are about the same as a coin flip, but your family loves you. A family is supposed to want you to be happy. You can navigate a path to where you're happy and you don't have to keep the real you locked in a box in the back of your head. I won't say it's easy and the path is lined with rainbows and unicorns. It can be very difficult to come out and find that place where you belong, but that place exists.

 

In the meantime, this is a very safe place. Nobody is going to judge you harshly for anything you say here (so long as it's within the rules, we have those for a reason). Please voice your concerns, join into the conversation and know that you're among friends.

 

Hugs!

[Sawaal]

Thank you very much for taking out time to write a reply. You are very kind. I would be thinking about your advise and seek out another therapist. Best wishes to you.

[Omega85]

Sawaii, this sounds very difficult for you. I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. There is hope. I second Jackie's recommendations to talk to a therapist about it, because they are sworn to secrecy and can listen and offer guidance. They may also be able to refer you to a psychiatrist who would be open and understanding to what you're experiencing and able to help with the anxiety you're feeling. Best wishes to you on your path.