Any Advice?

[Susan R]

On 10/6/2020 at 6:32 AM, Abi said:

When you were beginning therapy, and they drew you into the conversation starter, did you feel like they had a real plan for how to help you moving forward?

No Abi, not at first. I spent the first month mainly (4 one hour sessions) starting at the very beginning. My therapist asked if I would tell her about myself and why I wanted to be here. She asked me to start wherever I felt comfortable but it might be best to start where I thought my story became relevant to my current situation. Well, I decided to start at the very beginning...Age 4 (when I was caught by mom crossdressing). It took me at least 4 hourly sessions to cover all the important relevant parts of my life to get her current.

 

On 10/6/2020 at 6:32 AM, Abi said:

Did they know what things you needed to focus on first?

By the time I got to my current situation at that time, it was clear what I needed to focus on. I was starting to dress in public at trans peer support groups, Doctor (trans focused) appointments, and then shopping...fairly safe places. I was lacking confidence around cis people at that time. So that’s what we focused on after my life story had been shared with her.

 

On 10/6/2020 at 6:32 AM, Abi said:

I have a lot of concern about my safety and seeing my children.

Yes, I would be concerned too. I don’t know how vindictive your wife is and how difficult it is now to see your children but talking to your attorney (or referral) is definitely a good idea and, IMHO, the best next step. There are limits in each state as to what are grounds for custody or changes to parenting plans. There are protections in place, I’m sure. If your current attorney is not a specialist in family law child custody case work, I would look for a referral to an attorney specifically to find out what those limits and protections are in Illinois.

 

On 10/6/2020 at 6:32 AM, Abi said:

Fear is very real for me even if they do not end up attacking me. It's paralyzing at times and what kept me in an abusive marriage for so long as it is.

And that where therapy can help. Fear is a terrible thing to deal with on your own. Knowledge of your rights as a parent can reduce this fear substantially and help you better prepare for anything that might come your way.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Abi]

@Susan R,

    The first thing I want to say is thank you. I knew when I married my ex that she would do anything to make me feel bad and guilt me into serving her with no hope for the favor to be returned. Getting screamed at for expressing my feelings or ignored for them hurt so much. I could never breathe enough warmth into her coldhearted soul to have any hope for us. She resisted that every time I tried. I have never known another woman that was like that.

     I have an amazing attorney which I have already spoken with now. I did not tell my attorney I was transgender during the divorce. I saw that as a situation which would have only made things worse at the time but, I probably should have dealt with this back then. I have been getting domestic violence therapy for a year and a half. My lawyer was the one that got me this help in the first place. If it was not for her and her knowledge of the law I would have lost everything then. When I came out to her and voiced my concerns, the first thing she did was tell me she fully supports me and the entire community. She said she would be happy to help me in any way she could. She said I had some things that were in my favor and that I should be ok but, she also said that my ex could use the court to try and make the case that I am an unhealthy influence and diminish my time with my kids. I have 50/50 and will not accept any less. I wanted full custody and would have gotten it if I was AFAB. I had so much proof of abuse. She didn't spare my feelings ever. I live a life of fear and what is worse, she knows that. The only sense of happiness I ever saw in my ex was her joy in stepping on people for status and how much pain she could bring my heart. I just told my domestic abuse counselor yesterday that I will never live another day without that fear of what she will do or say to hurt me. Her family is just as bad as her. I won't have to come out publicly. Once they know anything about my change, they will be sure to tell the whole tri-county area. It's sad that they are all in healthcare too. Maybe somebody else will fight them over their actions but, my plan is peaceful avoidance. For me, I just want to see my children and keep showing them my love. For my children, I simply want them to be allowed to choose who they love and not be looked down on or mistreated for that. Easier said than done, right?

    I think I want to tell this therapist some basics about where I am now and then go over a few details from the big picture. I am not really looking for them to validate me. I already know who I am. I just need some assistance understanding the healthiest way to get where I want to be. I asked my domestic violence therapist if she would be willing to confer with the gender therapist. She said we would have to go over some specifics but agreed to do it. That will help me down the line I think. 

    I really didn't realize until a few days ago how much I have adapted to women's clothing in the past few month's. I think I went from just trying on a couple things at home to wearing all female clothes all the time in about 6 weeks. I don't go overboard, I really just kept my style but in femme' clothing. One of the best pieces of advice I heard was to do everything in tiny adjustments and to watch how that made me feel. That's what I have been doing. I see the reactions other's have given at times but, I leave my home maybe 6 times a month at most. I love my time working on me. It is long overdue. I have a couple t-shirts from before that I still like. I can't see myself wearing them for much longer. I might use them as yard work clothes. I guess it didn't occur to me because I spend so much time worrying over the problems under the clothing but hopefully that will get better. 

 

With much appreciation,

Abi

    

[Abi]

   I'm supposed to be filling out paperwork for the therapist I'm going to see next month. I am having an hard time doing that. I have to say, it seems odd to have a section in which you give legal information but nothing about preferred name. I may be expecting too much but, wouldn't it be better to start this process off comforting the client with the knowledge that this matters to them? I'm already concerned that I should cancel this but, I keep telling myself I shouldn't. 

[KayC]

Keep going, Abi.  It will be OK.

[Jani]

You can address the name issue when you meet.  I imagine there is no space for one because it may not be something a new client would want to address right away.  As Kay suggests, keep going.  You will be OK.

 

Hugs, Jani

[Heather Shay]

@Abi I suppose if you feel better about it - I don't see why you can't include something in the legal section that says something like "my current legal documented name is ..... however, I prefer to be preferred to as .... in this therapy session."

[Abi]

I know I shouldn't be feeling so defeated. I keep getting bad news on top of bad news though. I'm trying to be patient but I also have to be realistic. There is not much anyone can do to fix my situation. I'm overwhelmed and can't even let myself just go get help without feeling like that is wrong. I'm feeling very toxic to be honest. I am smart. I'll figure something out. I hope. 

[Heather Shay]

@Abi you remind me when depression sets in. First thing I do is recognize that is what it is and then I just do something simple I can do and take little bites to stop feeling overwhelmed. SOmething like a little gardening or cleaning - something I can look at and see a small improvement. Then I look at my issues and try to see if there is something I can do to make a small improvement. If it is all gender related I try to think of some small thing I can do to feel better - like maybe putting fresh coat of toenail polish. It's small but it is something and stops me from being overwhelmed. Then I start thinking oabout things I can control and those I can't. I try to improve things I can do for myself. If you can see a therapist that can be a tremendous help. If all else fails - keep talking with us and your conpadres here will help. YOu've helped me when down, now it's my turn.

[Sally Stone]

Abi, things will get better, honest, but it is important to stay patient.  I must second what Shay said in her latest post about continuing to talk.  Talking with those who understand your situation is very therapeutic.  So, while you wait for things in your life to improve, and please know they will, keep reaching out when you are feeling blue.  We will all be here to lend an ear and a shoulder.

[Ann W]

Abi,

I went looking for more of the great music you bring us, but it's been a while since anything new.  I hope your doing ok.  Sounds like you've been in a tough place.

 

On 10/14/2020 at 1:46 PM, Sally Stone said:

So, while you wait for things in your life to improve, and please know they will, keep reaching out when you are feeling blue.  We will all be here to lend an ear and a shoulder.

Yes...that.

?

[Abi]

    I keep getting the run around by the insurance company and my state. I was told I would get to see the therapist in November. The state dropped the ball and my insurance was not valid. Luckily I found out before the session. I can't afford to pay for it. I thought it was corrected until two days ago when again they appear to have done the exact same thing. The appointment I was supposed to have in December will not get to happen now either. I am just about to the point of giving up on all of this. I am tired of begging for help that isn't coming. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of having more hurt clouding my mind and less joyful thoughts of the future. I know I need help and no one is here to catch me while I fall. You are all nice people and I admire you all for one reason or another.

    I have been slowly losing every one for the better part of thirty years and have had to settle for abusive partners just to keep some warmth near me at all. I've been getting counseling for domestic violence for a year and a half and have achieved nothing. I am sad. I don't want sympathy. I want something better than understanding. I honestly just want things to go my way for a change. Every time I say I have found a path, something happens and the door slams on me. I am beyond discouraged or defeated. 

    I was so happy when I started this thread because I thought I was finally going to get to work on myself and stop concerning myself with what everyone else wants for a change. I hoped I would get some useful insight about the therapy process. I did get that and I still appreciate it so very much. That may be the best thing I can say here today. 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Abi said:

I was so happy when I started this thread because I thought I was finally going to get to work on myself and stop concerning myself with what everyone else wants for a change.

Abi, I am so sorry you are having to deal with all the crap with the insurance issues. These issues can make us feel so defeated when they keep on happening. So many of us have had setbacks during our journey and while it’s all happening, it’s easy to focus on ALL of the past issues we’ve experienced which then compounds our “moment of distress”.  The past issues eventually get resolved one way or another or we take a different path. IMHO, this is just one of those darker valleys in your journey.  I am sure that some day in your near future when you are rereading through your thread, you will appreciate all that you’ve accomplished including overcoming these recent momentary setbacks. A transition journey is a ‘long game’. There are always going to be hills and valleys, so my main point is to keep your focus on the goal and work through each problem big or small on what you can do to get to that point today...and no more otherwise you can feel overwhelmed without hope. Please don’t give up. You have so much to gain getting past this setback. Things will get better?.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[Ann W]

Well that's all really crappy @Abi.

I'm sorry to hear that.  It's hard enough to seek help in the first place...then to have it keep failing...ugh!

You may have to settle with us temporarily for support, but I hope you don't have to continue settling for abusive people...they make it hard to feel good.

This part will be behind you one day.

?

[Abi]

20 hours ago, Susan R said:

Things will get better?.

I have always appreciated your kindness and support Susan. I am very upset. Maybe it will pass. I am isolated and alone so that just drives this wound deeper. Part of me wants to be alone and part of me is just trying to say it's okay, even though I know it is not. It's hard to want to let new people get close to you when most of the old ones have abandoned or betrayed you. It's hard to accept that I can't push them out of my heart no matter how much I cry. I can't handle the pain of possibly adding more people to that. So I just sit here reading and acting like things might get better when they really just haven't. I'm not getting anywhere with the counselors on domestic violence. I listen to their words and they just keep telling me new ways to see the same thing. I will never feel safe and she will never stop calling or texting me because we have children together. Illinois law would not hear my case and know I am left to suffer. Having someone tell me to imagine a room full of things I like and describe them is not useful. It does not focus me. 

A doctor told me to go find happiness and that is what I have been trying to do. I knew accepting myself was a big part of that. I've been working on that for a long while now. I finally got the courage to try and get help with that and now that has been blocked too. I guess I just have to get over it. 

[Abi]

21 hours ago, Ann W said:

You may have to settle with us temporarily for support, but I hope you don't have to continue settling for abusive people...they make it hard to feel good.

I have never felt like I was settling for in person support or supplementing it by being online. I came for community and sharing. I don't expect anyone to have the answers at all. I know I don't and won't settle for abusive people any more. I just have ended that option. I can only allow friendship now, though I admit that hurts me deeply. I would not be a good partner to anyone. I do not have what I would wish to offer. The love within me is jaded and surrounded in pain that I seem stuck on or with, maybe both. That's not something I would ever be happy to bring to a new relationship. It is best for everyone, I think, to receive me in very small doses if at all.

[Heather Shay]

@Abi I have experienced so much comfort and friendship in all your communications on this forum and I hope you feel you can always reach out to me via messaging if you wish. I am always there for you - I believe you are an incredible person inside and out and any way you can use to feel that love and warmth and support - you should use. Abusive relationships are bad and if at all possible - get out of them - but I also live in a real world and understand life has its struggles and hadships and we all must get through. I went through 2 funerals this weekend - first sibling to pas and my father-in-law and I was asked to reside over my father-in-law's funeral. Although I want so badly to be the complete me I also realize I need to help comfort my wife and help her and hope as time passes she will help me but I also know that is not a given. I hug you in my thoughts and I hope you know I an TOTALLY with you and there for you as I know and have felt your comfort when I've needed it.

Heather Shay

[Gabriel]

On 10/14/2020 at 8:28 PM, Abi said:

I'm overwhelmed and can't even let myself just go get help without feeling like that is wrong

 

3 hours ago, Abi said:

I am isolated and alone so that just drives this wound deeper.

 

Hi Abi. It is overwhelming when so many things go wrong and weight you down. I remember the time when I felt there was nothing to hold on to. It's an awful place to be. Therapy helped me then. Give therapy a chance, it can really help you.

 

Shay already said it, focus on what you can control and make one little change at a time.

 

For me, I realised that the more I stayed at home, the less energy and willingness I had to go out. It was a vicious circle, until I got to the point that I had tachycardia and deep fatigue. I got out of it by begin moving in very small increments. First, movement without even going out, just at home. Music helped me a lot. I began singing, then dancing. And then I began going out for walks. Girl did it make a difference. I realised that when I move, things move. 

 

So, little steps, but keep going. Doesn't matter how small the steps are. Just don't stop. 

[Abi]

On 11/9/2020 at 9:10 AM, Shay said:

I am always there for you - I believe you are an incredible person inside and out and any way you can use to feel that love and warmth and support - you should use.

I really appreciate you for saying this. I am trying my best to stay positive about things. I am sorry for all the loss you've had recently. I'm glad you have people to be with and that are there for you too. 

[Heather Shay]

@Abi thank you. I appreciate everything I know about you and have found an incredibly beautiful woman in the music and words you've posted.

[Abi]

On 11/9/2020 at 10:19 AM, Noah A said:

For me, I realised that the more I stayed at home, the less energy and willingness I had to go out. It was a vicious circle, until I got to the point that I had tachycardia and deep fatigue. I got out of it by begin moving in very small increments. First, movement without even going out, just at home. Music helped me a lot. I began singing, then dancing. And then I began going out for walks. Girl did it make a difference. I realised that when I move, things move. 

    I don't go near people but, I go out as I see the need. I don't have much fear of going to the store for groceries or things like that. I just avoid people. It's about trust and I have none. I walk about twenty five miles a week in my neighborhood. I prefer to walk at night because no one else does that here. I get the streets to myself. 

    I still follow as many daily routines as I can. I have two kids that demand it of me. I'm not comfortable with meeting new people and I just don't feel like I can be myself with most of the people I know. I listen to music and make latch hooks to pass the time. I feel like that's all I have to look forward to. I won't get any better until I can get the therapist. I have major trust issues with in person stuff. The domestic violence center here is just not able to do anything for me and after a year and a half, that seems like a lost cause. Nothing has changed for me since I realized my ex truly hated me for being me.

    How does anyone choose to go on trying when the person they loved the most hates them for even existing. I gave a hundred percent of me to that love and was constantly belittled and put down for having feelings yet I still love her. I don't know why I even left her. At least I was sure of what I would get with her. Coldhearted and selfish, blatant disregard for anything that I wanted, cheating on me even. None of that hurt as much as knowing she enjoyed how that made me feel. Even after all of that and so many tears, I still see something in there that is worthy of love. I guess this is why I can't let go. 

    This is why I isolate and why I keep people at a distance. I won't survive another person, like that, coming into my life. I didn't see this one coming. By far the worst but, hardly my only poor choice in friendships or lovers. The internet is where I can have the safety to speak. 

[Abi]

    After much consideration and thought yesterday, I decided to end therapy at the center I was getting help from for domestic violence. They said I could come back if I wish but, I know I won't. It has not helped. In a lot of ways they had their hands tied. They are only allowed to discuss abuse. The idea that I could not talk about other issues as they seemed relevant to me kept me from sharing some pretty difficult things. They were very nice to me and tried to help all they could but that was not enough. At least this will free their time up to help someone else that desperately needs it. I never liked feeling like I was taking time, that someone else needed, in the first place. 

    I may get to see the gender therapist at some point but, I can't even get my insurance right until my state figures out what they want to do anyway. It is really difficult to be positive about things when you always feel like you're being blocked. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

    For now, all things are cancelled. I will just do whatever feels right and hope things get better at some point. I'm still going to get up every day, do my hair and nails and such. I will dress as I choose and try to find meaning. I will continue to try and be supportive of all of you and cheer you all on when you reach new goals. I really appreciate the support everyone keeps showing me as I struggle with all of this. 

 

Thanks

[DeeDee]

@Abi 

I know what you mean about going out at night, it is why I've always loved walking in the rain. I get the place to myself and do not have to deal with anyone else, though I wish I was as fit as you twenty five miles is a good amount in a week!

 

If you have found that the therapy is not helping you then stopping it for now is a really good idea. It could be that they cannot help with the abuse issues until some of the other boxes have been unpacked and dealt with. You will find the right person eventually - I have been seeing two different counsellors, one for gender and one for the rest of my life. They are both pretty intense in their own way and do overlap a little, as lives are messy and complicated, but you will eventually find your footing again.

Your plan sounds pretty good to me ?:

1 hour ago, Abi said:

I'm still going to get up every day, do my hair and nails and such. I will dress as I choose and try to find meaning.

 

Do not give up on people, there are plenty of folk who would and could (and have as you know) take advantage of others, but I do believe that there are more basically good people in this world, who may make mistakes but try their best anyway.

I know we benefit from having you here at Transpulse and so I do hope you continue to keep us in your loop.

[Niamh]

One point I want to pick up on is the significant value of music in our lives. I've just come back from a walk in the dark as Niamh. Personally I couldn't care a flying f**k whether I go out in the day or night as Niamh, but I am having to accommodate the agreement I have with my wife. So this evening I've been out as Niamh, and the music was wonderful. I was moving my body to the music in a most feminine way and if anyone had seen and noticed me I would have smiled for it was a wonderful experience. While I have been lucky and never experienced gender related abuse, I feel a similar level of euphoria from moving to music as I do to being able to be me as Niamh, so when the 2 combine I am up there in the clouds. I so wish others could be there with me and would love to meet you @Abi on cloud 9.

[Abi]

1 hour ago, DeeDee said:

I know we benefit from having you here at Transpulse and so I do hope you continue to keep us in your loop.

    I really appreciate that DeeDee. I am not too sure how much of a benefit I really am here but, none of you were ever out of my loop. I take time to think about all of you every day. I like the fact that there is so many different ways we each decide to be supportive. I am never afraid of what any of you has to say because I am aware that these things come from a place of concern and often greater experience than my own. I try very hard not to say things that seem judgemental or as though I assume I know better than anyone else. I worry about my effect on others all the time.

    When I talk about things that are bothering me, I tend to feel very bad for that. I have no outlets for that other than the internet. The one hour I was given, every week, to talk about the terrible pain my heart feels, is not enough by any means. Still, I do not wish to lay the real content of what was done to me on anyone. I just have some days that I can't hold it all in any more. When I first started going on forums, I would write about anything and everything to pass the time. I never expected anyone to even pay attention to what I had to say. That was quite surprising.

[Abi]

@Niamh

    I have to admit that walking as much as I do has helped me a lot. I will never blend in with my walk. I broke my hip at a very young age and have never allowed anyone to do the replacement they said I needed. I hurt all day and push on anyway. Music certainly helps me feel like going on though. Some nights I walk for hours. I never go far though. I just keep circling the block. I am really lucky no one ever stops me to talk. I tend to go out full makeup and all. I got a body shaping corset a while back that helps me stuff everything in the right spots and I would pass as female if not for my face and voice. The farther away I am the more ladylike I appear. ?