So glad to be here...long story.

[Ann W]

Me, Transgender?

 

(let's have a look)

 

"You'd better keep an eye on that one Bob,  he might turn out funny".  I was already aware of this kind of talk by the time it was delivered to my dad in a single glance by our chain-smoking neighbor.  I may have picked it up from television, or even heard it from the mouths of other adults who seemed to care a great deal about boys becoming men...or should I say "MEN"...for they meant something fairly specific by that word.  To me, it felt like a prison sentence...or like I'd been drafted to go to war.

 

"I don't want to fight anyone", but in the early 70s, even in southern California, the message was clear and constant for young boys.  Aside from my parents, it seemed like the men wanted to make sure I grew up to be a big jerk.  And the women?  They just kept telling me what a big boy I was.  I wasn't...but all boys were big, and all girls were pretty.  "Excuse me, I think I'm in the wrong line".

 

Looking back, the clues have been non-stop, but when faced with the possible conclusion that you are a "transsexual", even a house falling on your head can be brushed off as...whatever.  Did I know what a transsexual was?...no...crossdresser?...no...gender dysphoria?...no.  In my neighborhood, you either became a "man"...or a "fruit".

 

I played rocket ship with little items around the house as a kid.  I realize now, it was always a lipstick, or something from my mother's jewelry box, which to me, was way better than my toy box.  I loved women's things as a child, all sparkling, colorful and coordinated...and pretty.  Which brings me to our next clue.

 

MAGIC!  Yes, magic was very big in the seventies, and I took right to it.  Here was a place where a boy could surround himself with silk scarves, flowers, and wonderful props...all sparkling, colorful...and pretty.  Being on stage even justified the use of makeup.  I really did love it.  In fact, I preformed at the Magic Castle in Hollywood at the age of thirteen.  I was pretty good at it.

 

Once the writing was on the wall that magic was becoming more of a social liability than something cool, I progressed to the electric guitar.  Now here was a world where a teenager could grow his hair long, look downright androgynous, even wear women's pants and platform shoes without too many comments...as long as I had a guitar hanging off me.  Again, I really did love it and still play to this day, but I rode that cover story all the way though the 80s, 90s, and beyond.  We didn't have to explain eyeliner.

 

Before the magician turned musician, he had already hit puberty and had a magical moment in the locked bathroom with a pair of his mother's nylon briefs.  Do all boys try these on on for size?  I don't know, but what I do know is that I felt something very powerful that was beyond my understanding at the time.

 

It's beyond my understanding now, but I can still remember the excitement I felt.  I remember the exact smell of the pull-out hamper built into the tiny room where I was introduced to my lifelong friends Fear and Shame.  Let's move on.

 

Like so many kids, I sat in front of the boob tube for many an hour after school throughout childhood.  I must have seen hundreds of talk shows with hundreds of guests, but I don't really remember any of them in particular...except one.  One day, on some talk show there was a woman who used to be a man.  What?  I was riveted.  Too young to know why, but that segment made the world a bigger place for me.  Now I know of such a thing as a "sex change".  Wow.

 

Another thing that was big in the seventies was Jesus.  By the end of the decade one could be Cool and Christian...at least in L.A. you could.  Everybody was doing it...even Bob Dylan.  I think my Jesus years did me a lot of good, and kept me out of a lot of trouble from the age of 16 to about 21 (when I began making up for lost time).  I don't regret it one bit, but I always felt a little outside of the group (story of my life).  I learned a lot about life at church, and made some good friends.  You know who else really liked it?  That's right...Fear and Shame.  Let's move on.

 

When I move on, I really move on.  I got up from my seat in the middle of an Amy Grant concert at Melodyland Christian Center, drove up to Hollywood and commissioned my very first hooker.  The beginning of a decades long search for how I fit into the world sexually.  Sexual orientation is the relationship between two counterparts.  Up until the "Big Bang"  I needed only to define my counterpart.  I'm either a straight guy, or a gay guy.  Soon, both sides of the "orientation" would cease to be nailed down.  This would make defining myself (let alone accepting myself) a puzzle of extraordinary magnitude.

 

Yep, for me there was a "Big Bang".  Other than the pubescent panty caper, I had mostly looked at my attraction to pretty things as not being afraid of my feminine side.  Then...one inauspicious day, I was at the mall with my girlfriend Jackie.  In one of the big department stores, she was flipping through some sweaters or something when all of a sudden, I looked over her shoulder at that expansive array of women's clothing stretched out before me.  Far and wide, up the walls, everywhere, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.  Women's fashion.  Everything was literally vibrating in my vision, as though I had dropped acid and it was just now hitting me...like a ton of bricks.  Right then and there I began to realize that all of this wonderful feminine stuff was my favorite thing in the whole world.  An absolute marvel of human creativity and expression.  A real turn on too.  Then I looked over my shoulder.  That's right...Fear and Shame.

 

It was also in that moment that I realized how much I despised the puny, droll, lifeless little corner that was " The Men's Section".  Department stores seemed like three floors of heaven, and one small section of potato sacks for the guys.  Men's clothes blow...I really hate them.  They never feel right, but the hate comes from having them forced on me.  Now, another pair of emotions joins the party.  A feeling of great joy and excitement, followed by...

 

"But not for the likes of you!  Girls only!"

 

Luckily, the 80s were coming.  I don't think men's and women's fashions ever got closer together than in the 80s.  That was great, because I could be a guy, but sneak in more and more girls pants and things.  I was just a little more colorful than most guys...I was in a band.

 

Ok, enough of my memoir, now the clues come hard and fast.  The next thing I know, I'm all locked up in my room late at night, guitar amps blocking the door just in case.  I had already been outside to make sure no one could see in...not even a sliver.  I have a women's one piece swimsuit that Jackie left here and somehow came up with a pair of pantyhose.  I'm on my way...

 

As promised...more clues:

 

I have always hated my body hair...facial hair too...can't stand it.  I've spent a whole lot of my life hours on home hair removal.  Shaving, plucking, Epilady,  you name it.  I even plucked my entire mustache once.  (I don't recommend that)

 

All of my life I have loved wearing my hair long.  When it gets cut off, I feel like my power goes with it...until it grows back.

 

I'm grossed out by men's underwear.  I always had such a hard time buying any because I hated it all so much...always seemed so ugly to me.  I love women's underwear more than I can say.  I like tight undies with lots of support so it feels like there's nothing between my legs.  The last time I tried to wear a pair of men's drawers, they actually felt queer on me.

 

In fact, I never buy any product that says "For Men" on it...yuk!

 

I have always loved the women's version of everything more.  Women's clothes, women's golf clubs, women's jobs, women's hairstyles...I'm always on the wrong side of my taste in things.

 

Getting called "ma'am" from the back delights me.

 

I used to think being male was some kind of punishment for something I did in my last life.

 

When people said "It's a man's world" I thought they were crazy.

 

When generalizing about men, I seem to always say "they" and "them", never "us" or "we".

 

In my sexual fantasies, I'm always the girl.  Sometimes I'm merely shopping in them.

 

I took jazz dance classes in the 80s so I could wear leotards and leg warmers.

 

I love pictures of women with their clothes on.

 

Oh yeah...I've always wanted to be female...badly.

 

What do you think so far?

 

Can you believe I'm still asking if I'm transgender?  I really wasn't sure for so very long.  And it's about so much more than the external things.

 

Now, it's not that I have any doubt, I think I just didn't want this to be my fate...this frightening, embarrassing, seemingly impossible dream of doing and being what feels right to me.  I've tried to be straight...I've tried to be gay, (failed at both).  I've tried drugs...I've tried alcohol, (I was pretty good at those).  I've held a gun barrel against temple with tears streaming down my face.  Fortunately, I'm past all that.  I've also tried withdrawing into as much isolation as I can get away with.  That's where I live now.

 

So what happened?  Why am I here writing this instead of just plodding along with my life of quiet desperation.  I thought I had made up my mind.  I'm too old, too male, my nose/hands/feet are too big.  There's no way to pay for treatment, my parents couldn't handle it, I couldn't work like that, I'd look like a scary clown.  Well...what happened was another "Bang".

 

While I was busy living out my consolation life as a lost and alone (but working) guitarist, something miraculous was happening.  The internet!  Ok, so it took me 20 years to catch on to how amazing the web is for people with gender issues.  Or it took that long to become that amazing, but OMG!  I used to have to physically hunt through university libraries to find one word written about gender dysphoria or any kind of treatment for it.  It seemed like Dr. Harry Benjamin in New York was the only person in medicine concerned with it.  Imagine absolutely no one to teach you about makeup...and truly uncomfortable vibes if you try to buy anything intended for women.  Bleak times.

 

But now, so many brave people have pressed on and literally changed the world for those of us who just couldn't for whatever reasons.  The Covid pandemic shook me out of my rut by relieving me of my work, and set the stage for another "Big Bang".  I bet anyone who's been crossdressing in the closet for some years has a "throwing it all out" story.  We either decide it's hopeless, or we just get too paranoid that our stash will be discovered, so out it goes.

 

In the words of Dr. Z PhD, "you can't outrun gender dysphoria".  This time it caught up to me in a big way.  But it's different now.  There are so many wonderful generous people sharing so much love and support out there now.  So many resources available.  I think I'm trying to accept myself as "trans" and just may be able to do it thanks to the way things are now.

 

When I was in my 20s my folks sprung for a counselor because they were worried about me.  This poor young professional seem in a little over her head when I told her of my overwhelming desire to be female, but she did ask me one good question:

 

"Can you imagine yourself as an old woman, and is that ok with you?"  Well, now in my 50s, being a young woman is off the table...and yes, that's ok with me.  That desire to be on the other side has not diminished one bit, but a lot of stuff I feared really doesn't matter anymore.  Some does though.

 

It feels like I could write a whole book on the subject now that I know there are so many people out there that can relate to this crazy life path, but I think you all know what happens already.  You probably know about sitting in the car outside the thrift shop, trying to drink up the courage to go in and score whatever you can, hoping some of it fits when you get home.  You may already know about finally getting your hands on some makeup, only to end up looking like a tribute to Twisted Sister.

 

Oh, things are so much better now...except for the clothes maybe.  I'm really a 20th century girl all the way.  Do I sound trans?  I guess I do.  In fact, I don't think I ever fully moved into my male life.  "He" is just an avatar that goes about the business of life while I sit dormant inside most of the time.  That's very sad.

 

When I'm alone, dressed all pretty in the clothes and makeup I love, I'm soooo comfortable, I'm overflowing with joy and happiness...just walking on air.  It lights me up like nothing else in this world, and no one ever gets to see me like that.  My friends and family have never seen me that happy.  That's a tragedy.

 

My folks are both 85 now and I don't have many friends around me anymore, not that I'm all sad and lonely or anything.  I like lots of alone time.  I'm sad that the most important aspect of my life is something I never discuss with ANYONE...EVER.  I never warmed up to social media, and I don't really like spending much time sitting in front of a computer, but I've read some of your stories, and can see that many of them are just like this one (but shorter).  Sorry for the epic bio, but I can see now that writing this was for me more than anyone else.  Thank you for providing a place to post this for the world to see.  That alone has really changed things.  If reading this helps anyone feel better...that's great.  Mostly I hope to make new friends that I can talk freely with for once in my life, and finally say goodbye to those two losers...Fear and Shame.

 

It's my pleasure to join you.  I'm nearly breathless at the possibilities ahead.

 

With love,

Ann Winslow

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Ann.  Welcome to TransPulse!

 

What an amazing introduction!  Amazing because you were telling the story of my life, pretty much.  (Okay, I didn't play guitar, but the rest...)  By posting your story in such detail, you will undoubtedly encourage others to discover themselves.  Thank you for that.

 

I think that quite a lot of us have experienced the same feelings over the years.  It does get better.

 

Stick around and join in some of the conversation.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Cyndee]

Hi Ann, thanks for posting a little about yourself, and nice to have you with us

 

I do hope you enjoy your time here at trans pulse, please join in the conversations on our forums, I think you'll find there are quite of few us musical types here, like yourself, I also grew up in So Cal in the 60's and 70's

 

Welcome hugs

 

Cyndee

[Heather Shay]

Hello Ann,

 

Glad to have you here. You'll find many musician types here and a lot of ladies totally open to sharing, encouraging and supporting.

 

Heather Shay

[Ivy]

Hi Ann, and welcome.   
I can identify with a lot of your story as well.  
l’m content to be an old woman. But I have to admit sometimes I just feel like a teenager.   Must be the hormones. 

[Ann W]

I just want to say thanks for the welcome.  Everyone is so nice here...I love it!  I had a feeling I would find my people here.  The forums are all so interesting and encouraging.

 

Not surprised to find so many musical types here.  I had my suspicions about some of you hair metal babes.

 

...and I say go ahead and feel like a teenager sometimes.  We've had a lot of deferred experiences...you've got it coming.  I'm in some kind of girly pink cloud myself...just from coming out to you folks.

[Jani]

Welcome Ann.  Going through transition does take one back to a younger frame of mind.   Enjoy the ride.

 

Cheers, Jani

[Heather Nicole]

Hi! And welcome! While I'm a decade later than you (total child of the 80's, through and through) and my dysphoria was lesser and more delayed (quite possibly a result of being an 80's kid and having been subjected to a lower dosage of the "you are to be masculine!" poison.) But there's a ton in your story I can relate to as well, like hating most men's clothes, hating masculine expectations being forces on me, or any product "for men", and being appreciate of and drawn to anything gender-bending (which...come to think of, it, could've also been a "child of the 80's" thing ).

[Sabine]

Like many here, your story certainly resonates with mine. I also sometimes feel like I "missed" my youth as a girl, stuck in that cultural boy mode as I was. However, I recently read something that much of this thread has alluded to: "queer age."

Queer age is your mental age AS your true self as opposed to your actual physical age. It explains (at least to me), why we sometimes choose fashions that are not particularly age appropriate (if we are trying to blend at least). However, we need to go through our teens and our "youth" regardless of our actual ages in order to find our true selves. It is an exploration and we will make our own mistakes on the way. Of course it goes much, much faster than our actual teen years, but just knowing about that helped me to understand my own proclivities towards say... showing a bit more leg than other women who are in their fifties. Nice to have you share your story, have a safe journey.

Sabine.

[MirandaB]

Welcome from here too. 

 

I didn't have anyone ask me if I'd be comfortable as an old woman but did think about it and didn't think I would but part of my switch to deciding to finally transition was realizing I'd be happier as an old woman than an old man. 

[Ann W]

That makes a lot of sense Sabine.  I think it's good to spend time going though the stages of the ages...at least in private.  I sure have.  That's what thrift shops are good for...trying one of everything...just to see how it works.  It adds to my experience so I can blend in better when needed.  It's also fun.  I love what I'm wearing in that photo above, but I'm not going to start with that in public.

 

Hello RhondaS.  You look so sweet in the tiny little round picture on my phone.

 

Heathick...I like that term "masculine expectations".  I haven't started anything physical yet, but a lot is happening on the inside right now, and the lifting of those expectations is already part of my transition.  The more I accept myself, the less all that man stuff seems to burden me.  It's wonderful, I can't wait get some therapy going.

[HollyElizabeth]

Well hi Ann, welcome sister!

 

[Heather Shay]

@Ann Winslow as you can tell - you are among a LOT of friends now - I relate to your story - I am 68 and finally 3 months into HRT for real this time and finally with a gender specialist therapist - unlike the 3 or 4 over 30 years I had before who only treated depression and anxiety but not the core issue.

[Bri2020]

14 hours ago, Ann Winslow said:

  I love what I'm wearing in that photo above, but I'm not going to start with that in public.

 

 

Welcome! You should so wear that out in public, you look fantastic so go for it.  I live for thrift shops. We have great ones here in DC suburbs. Lots of rich people recycling clothes after a season.  I have a complete wardrobe for under a grand!  In fact, heading out shopping again tomorrow.  Yes it's an addiction lol. Your bio was indeed EPIC, in the sense that it truly captured your journey and may help others in normalizing their own journeys. Thank you.  I was never a hair band person but did love the hippie look when I went to dead shows where I would embrace the hallucinations of being a woman in flowing skirts and twirling to the rhythms. Rock on Ann.

hugs

bri

[HollyElizabeth]

@Ann Winslow Honey, if you don't want to wear that out in public, can you send it to me. I absolutely love it. It's so classy and beautiful. OMG! would I kill for that outfit. You are an amazingly beautiful woman. I would kill to look like you. WOW!!!

[Elizabeth Star]

Hello Ann.

 

[Ann W]

You girls are killing are me with kindness.  Remember, I'm a bit out of focus, but if you wanted to make someone feel good today, consider it done.  ?

 

You want that outfit?  ebay.  $10 leotard.  Those stretchy pencil skirts are $7.99 (free shipping!) I bought 4 different colors.  Fishnet tights, $3 at Wal-Mart.  The shoes were more of a score.  Beautiful, unworn, size 11 shiny red pumps for $20.  (Might have got those because they say "Ivanka Trump" on them). Love'em!

 

Bri2020, that sounds awesome.  I have to remember to branch out to better neighborhoods next time I have shoppin' money.  I'm kinda digging on the twirling woman hallucination.

 

Hello ElizabethStar, I've enjoyed reading your comments.

 

It's really nice to be among friends here.  ?

[Susan R]

Hello @Ann Winslow Welcome! It’s truly a pleasure meeting you and equally a pleasure reading your biography. If you haven’t started a book, I think you may be missing your calling. This was an extraordinary read. I can say that this bio will undoubtedly help so many other like us.

 

I felt so many of the feelings you shared here. Many of your experiences we’re my experiences too...yes, the dates and names are different but the story is very close.  What you refer to as ‘Big Bangs, I refer to as ‘triggers‘ but that’s only a slight difference. You’ve led a very interesting and exciting  life and now here you are adding once again to your story.

 

I hope to read so much more about you and as you see from the responses to your bio, many others do also.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Ann W]

Wow...thanks for the encouraging words.  It felt good writing that, and I do feel like I'm overflowing with thoughts and memories and observations right now.  I haven't used a website like this before, but it seems that the "Blog" section might be the place for the more long winded explorations of this experience.

?

[KayC]

Hi Dear @Ann Winslow!  I LOVE your story!  I connect with many parts of it.  

You DO have Friends here.  I am looking forward to hearing more from you❣️

[Ann W]

On 10/7/2020 at 9:19 PM, Ann Winslow said:

The shoes were more of a score.  Beautiful, unworn, size 11 shiny red pumps for $20.  (Might have got those because they say "Ivanka Trump" on them). Love'em!

I got worried that that sounded like some kind of political statement.  I meant that I thought someone might have let go of these nice shoes so cheap without wearing them because the name bugged them.  I'm not even sure who Ivanka is, but those shoes are really sweet...and they fit!  So, no politics intended.  It may be nothing, but I don't want rub anyone the wrong way.

[Bri2020]

2 hours ago, Ann Winslow said:

I got worried that that sounded like some kind of political statement.  I meant that I thought someone might have let go of these nice shoes so cheap without wearing them because the name bugged them.  I'm not even sure who Ivanka is, but those shoes are really sweet...and they fit!  So, no politics intended.  It may be nothing, but I don't want rub anyone the wrong way.

Her shoe line took a major hit after her father got elected.  People were dumping them.  Can't stand her but the shoes were nice. lol

 

[Mmindy]

On 10/6/2020 at 6:09 AM, Ann Winslow said:

Sorry for the epic bio, but I can see now that writing this was for me more than anyone else.  Thank you for providing a place to post this for the world to see.  That alone has really changed things.  If reading this helps anyone feel better...that's great.  Mostly I hope to make new friends that I can talk freely with for once in my life, and finally say goodbye to those two losers...Fear and Shame.

@Ann Winslowgood morning and welcome to TransPulseForums.

 

Writing out your bio, was surly therapeutic for you, and comforting to many of us here because we lived similar struggles. You are among like minded and kind folks here with varying levels of Transgender experience.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???