Needing help on figuring out my gender

[MiloR]

Hi...

So, I've never ever done this before in my life, never talked about this on any site, anything... But I think I really need help on this, that's why I'm here. I'm just so confused about my gender, and I don't know if I'm trans, or something in between... And I've been asking myself a lot of questions for two years and I'm not seeing the end of it, so, if anyone has any advice, anything to give me to help, i would be really really relieved and grateful.

I'm not among the people who say they knew something was "off" from the beginning because honestly I had no clue of anything until two years ago (and I'm 22 now). I was born a girl, and I have been feminine (even extremely feminine) a lot of time during my life. But now when I think of it I just feel like I was overdoing it because that was what was expected of me, to be attractive and everything. And when I first realised two years ago that sometimes I really felt like being a man, I was scared to death. And I'm still very scared about this today.

When I understood that I felt that vibe telling me I wasn't at least completely a woman, I tried to find a new name. It took a long time, and I've finally chosen a masculine one. And since I've been using it I'm feeling really, really better and like if I'd finally found myself after a very long wait. With my new name I feel like I'm me in a way I haven't been for so long...

The thing is, I very, very often feel like I'm a man, probably every day, but I don't feel like I have habits or tastes that would match... Typically masculine ones, if those even exist. You know, when I was a child, I liked princesses and stuff like that, I liked dresses... But my best memories are also when I was in a group of boys and we would play together, and I felt free with them. And now, most of my friends are women, so I can't tell if I would be at ease in a group of men.

And I still like feminine clothing to some extent, I still like dresses and high heels, it's just that when I'm wearing them I feel beautiful for a time, because I know that I am... But then I very often begin to feel awful and caged in my clothing, and I have the horrible feeling I'm suddenly in a disguise.

The other thing is, I really feel a lot of gender dysphoria. Like, really really often. I don't feel at all at ease with my breasts, they make me unconfortable, and I wish I had the shape and genitalia of a man. And fortunately my voice is pretty deep, but I wish it was deeper still. I remember some times when I had a sore throat and my voice was deeper because I was ill and I actually loved it like that, even if i lost a bit my ability to speak with my normal voice.

I've read a lot of people who are really trans say that they went through the wrong puberty and that it was terrible, and when I was a teenager, I never thought of it that way. That being said, the first time I got my period it was one of the most depressing days of my life. And when my mother tried to explain to me when I was a child that eventually I would get those too, I remember crying, and being so scared, and saying I didn't want to grow up any more.  So it was quite a bit of a shock when it happened to me... Because I think I realised this day I was officially a woman and there was nothing I could do to ever change that.

Also the idea of being pregnant... I really don't like it. I would love to have children but I wouldn't want to carry a child myself. I think I would not feel good doing so.

I've tried to label myself as genderfluid, at the beginning, because suddenly giving up on everything feminine felt very scary... But I'm really wondering if I could be just trans, in fact... And I don't know. The thing is that I've been a woman all my life, to please everyone around, and I've been feeling chronically anxious for ten years now, and I don't know if my education as a woman is still me, still my identity, or if it is just something that I just accepted in the past for people to like me. I was raised with the idea around me that a woman is supposed to be feminine, and beautiful and attractive, and I've always felt so awful, so embarrassed and ashamed when men would look at me and say I'm pretty. You know, like if I was some sort of shell, not reflective of what was inside. When people tell me I look attractive I just feel like an impostor even though I know deep inside that I'm beautiful.

Also, the idea of being nonbinary or even androgynous isn't very appealing to me. I feel like I want to be either a man or a woman (and in my case it's more and more the first option in my head) but not something in between. And to add more problems, in my language (French), you can't be neutral when you talk about yourself, because it's not just a matter of pronouns, even adjectives and everything is gendered in the grammar, so even if options exist because some try to find neutral pronouns, they remain limited by the structure of the language in itself. So being in the middle is really unconfortable and I don't really know how to deal with all that.

And I've been thinking a bit about what I would feel if I could transition medically, and I'm afraid I might regret it, but now I'm realising that the voice in my head telling me that it's a shame to want to change because I have a beautiful woman's body probably isn't really mine. But everything feels very scary, and I still look very feminine despite myself, partly because I still like my long hair, and some of my more feminine clothes, but it's so complicated. I'm lost between my tastes and my feelings.

So... I don't know if this means I'm both a man and a woman and that it might be dangerous to ignore this feminine side, or if this side is just the way I was educated and that it will be hard to let go off? And does the fact that I'm feeling so bad about my physical appearance say I'm trans ? I really don't know what I should think. I have a therapist, and we talk a bit about how I feel, but everything is so confused in my brain, and it really terrifies me.

So, if anyone could help... Please, please do so. If you have anything to tell me to enlighten me, I'll gladly take it. I really wish to understand.

[Jackie C.]

Salutations Milo and welcome to Transpulse!

 

My advice to you is to find yourself a gender therapist. While we're more than happy to support you any way we can, none of us are mental health professionals qualified to give you a definitive diagnosis. A therapist that specializes in gender issues is best qualified to help you find your way to self acceptance.

 

Now then, to unpacking your intimidating wall of text... ? First off, just like there's no real model for what a woman "has to be" there's no model for what a man "has to be" either. Men and women come in all shapes, sizes, sexual preferences, hat styles or whatever. Guys are allowed to have long hair and be pretty. Heck, in Japan all beauty is female beauty so their idea of pretty men is very effeminate. I guess the point I'm getting at is that gender roles are a social construct. You don't have to check all the buttons to be a real man or a real woman.

 

Next up... our usual wisdom: Cis-people don't question their gender. That seems lovely, but the fact is that if you're having doubts, then you should definitely talk to a gender therapist to help get yourself sorted out. Our relationship with gender can be thorny and confusing. More so because being a girl in Western culture kind of sucks. We're discriminated against, paid less, etc... My therapist and I have talked about this a lot. There's a difference between, "I'm a boy, why do I have breasts?" and "My life would be better as a boy." Again, a gender therapist can help you get to the bottom of these feelings and figure out which set you're having (or, obviously, something unique to you because we all don't fit in neat little boxes) and work out a course of treatment that's appropriate.

 

It sounds like you've got a pretty solid idea of who you are and have worked a lot of this out for yourself. That's fantastic. Fear is pretty normal too. Any sort of medical intervention is a big deal. Testosterone is an absolute beast and will quickly make changes to your body that can't be taken back. I wholeheartedly recommend that anybody considering that path be absolutely sure that it's what they need to be comfortable in their own skin before they proceed.

 

So yeah, again, welcome to Transpulse. We're happy to have you. Feel free to ask us anything. We can't give you straight-up medical advice, but we're happy to share our experiences and have you as part of our little community. I look forward to getting to know you better.

 

Hugs!

[MiloR]

Hey @Jackie C.,

Just a huge thank you for your answer to my long rant, I'm aware I wrote a very long post. And thank you also for a your advice, all the general wisdom you had to offer, it really means a lot. It gave me food for thought and it's been a bit reassuring to read your answer, to know it's ok to be scared and everything. For the therapist, I'll see what I can do.

And thank you for reminding me to just let go of stereotypes on gender and do what I want, I think I still need to work on that.

And of course, I know medical treatments are not to be taken lightly, that's why it is quite scary also. But I'll take my time to think about all this.

Having your support really helps, even if it's not medical advice, it counts just as much. So thank you again for having taken the time to read me and answer so nicely. I feel a bit better now I've read your reply !

[Billy]

Hi Milo. 

I am in a similar situation - not quite sure what my gender identity is but pretty sure I am not a woman. The beauty about Trans is that you can be anything you like. In my language there is also no Pronoun for in between but this is currently where I am. The tricky bit is, or at least that is what I find, that I am not sure enough to take the next step, or better: I am not sure enough what my personal next step is. I feel with you. It's hard to be patient when you are full of fear and close to exploding but I figure that taking a wrong step too quickly would be even worse. Sending you lots of patience, optimism and calmness! 

[DeeDee]

On 10/7/2020 at 7:56 PM, MiloR said:

I've read a lot of people who are really trans say that they went through the wrong puberty and that it was terrible, and when I was a teenager, I never thought of it that way

Hi Milo, pleased to meet you.  One of the worst things about the internet is that it can offer a false impression. It was just before I turned 40 when I started questioning my gender, and I spent months watching youtube videos and doing online quizzes and wondering why I didn't fit in to the narrative of the perfect looking and sounding, born into the wrong skin types that I saw most. It was only after I discovered this site and a couple of actual gender therapists posting "so you think you might be trans videos" that suddenly I had contact with people who had shared all sorts of different life experiences, some younger and some older. I never thought I was a woman growing up, nor when I got married, or when I had kids - but all of that time I had found ways of doing traditionally female roles in the house and at work, I have always had self esteem issues, I always felt like a fraud, training myself to fit in, and I had been dressing secretly in ladies clothes since my childhood buying, wearing and binning clothes. I found the whole idea of not being a cishet male (a phrase I didnt know before 2 yrs ago) terrifying. Turns out I was not the only one who had done some of these things or had these big overwhelming feelings. I guess I am trying to say that it is okay not to have all the answers yet, take your time, read the forum threads and blogs and start your own, or join in on anything that catches your eye.

[DonkeySocks]

So this long post is basically me talking about myself because your story resembles mine.

 

I'm a trans male and I knew when I was young very young, but I didn't have the words to say what I was. I was oblivious to my own clues that I showed to myself. In high school I knew there was something different about me. I thought I was a lesbian but since I wasn't attracted to women it wasn't that, so I checked on that internally a couple of times and decided it wasn't true. Externally, I didn't have anyone to talk to about it, and I didn't know there was a spectrum of genders and all kinds of mix-and-match possibilities of orientations. I didn't realize explicitly that I was really a guy until my late 20s, yet I did know it earlier. In elementary school playing pretend on the playground I often played boy characters. I had crushes on boys but there were also certain boys that I wanted to look like. I just didn't have the language for any of this until I spent social time on the Internet.

 

Congrats on finding a name that makes you happy. ?

 

On 10/7/2020 at 1:56 PM, MiloR said:

Also, the idea of being nonbinary or even androgynous isn't very appealing to me. I feel like I want to be either a man or a woman (and in my case it's more and more the first option in my head) but not something in between.

 

Same here. I mean, I'm a man, but like you I prefer binary labels for myself. For my own use I don't care for they/them, though it's totally fine on other people.

 

Don't let anyone tell you you're not manly enough to be a trans man. You can be a trans-man, identify completely as male, and still like to wear feminine things and behave in feminine ways sometimes. You can be a man even if you don't transition. If you enjoy it, you can crossdress versus your gender, no matter what your body type is like. Admittedly I have had concerns about being open and honest about things such as the two favorite dresses I had when I was a kid. It's way easier to tell someone else not to worry about fitting into a gender mold. I would hate to wear a dress now, but some men love to wear dresses, and it doesn't mean they're not men.

 

All that said, your chronic anxiety could certainly be related to gender, but do also check into the idea of food intolerances. If you have any issues connecting food and anxiety you might be able to sort those out and give yourself a head start before you even really sort out the gender stuff. Begin with two weeks with no caffeinated beverages, and if you already don't drink caffeine, move on to eggs, dairy, wheat--starting with whatever you eat most often. Reducing caffeine has made a huge difference to me, but everyone is different.

 

Good luck on your journey of discovery.

[MiloR]

Hi everybody !

Thank you a lot for all your kind answers, it's been very helpful, and I feel less alone now that I've read your replies.

 

So I'll reply here to each of you who took the time to answer my long rant.

 

For @Billy :  Hi ! Thank you a lot for all you kind words, it's been calming and reassuring to read you. And language is a bit tricky, sometimes. I feel more at ease with masculine pronouns and everything the more the time passes, but it's complicated, because I really don't look like a man for someone seeing me from the outside, so it remains scary to use them. But a huge thank you for your friendly and optimistic vibes, really. I'll take all of them to feel a bit better. I means a lot to have support !

 

For @DeeDee : Hi, and pleased to meet you too ! Thank you so much for your answer. It's really interesting to have you insight on this. Awareness takes time and when it happens it's very frightening, and everything from the past can be seen in a different light, so it's quite difficult. I see a lot of my memories differently now that I'm beginning to understand I have not been a woman all this time, only behaving like one. And thank you for sharing how you felt with me. And it's reassuring to know that I can be trans or whatever I want to be even if my story doesn't fit the "perfect narrative", as you say, of a trans person. It's validating, and thank you for that, I feel like I really needed to hear it.

 

For @DonkeySocks : Hi, and thank you a lot for your anwser. To be honest, your story gave me a lot to think about. And to know that you felt I was saying stuff that matched a bit with how you felt is extremely reassuring and validating for me. To be honest, I don't feel like it was a problem to be girly when I was little, even if now in hindsight I would probably have prefered to have been more neutral. Being around boys or girls, as long as I could have fun playing characters or anything and everything was enough for me. I think I just sort of fitted with the I will be a woman someday idea because I was very scared of people not liking me or abandonning me if I didn't, so I'm not sure to understand if the things I thought and did as a kid were completely "me", you know. But it's more when puberty arrived that I kind of felt something wasn't right. I had the feeling I was losing myself by losing my child-like appearance and didn't understand why. I think being feminine wasn't a problem when I was little but it began to be one growing up for some reason. I think the issue now is more how I feel about my body, rather than how I want to dress. And thank you for the name, it's been hard to find one and I'm struggling to make it accepted, especially by my family these days.

And really, thank you for saying that there's no such thing as being not enough of a man. I think I needed to hear that. I don't know why, I had this thought that I somehow would feel better of more at ease with myself wearing dresses with a man's body rather with a woman's, even if dresses are supposedly designed for women. And thank you for telling me it's valid to have feminine tastes even if I'm a man. And also for your advice on anxiety. I don't think food is the root of the problem, because I've tried to stop several stuff to see if I felt better, but I don't think that's it. I'm working on it, though

Anyway this was again a long rant, but it meant a lot for me to read your story and all your validating words. Thank you for your support !

 

Milo

[DonkeySocks]

Thanks Milo, it's similarly validating for me to see stories such as yours, that are similar to mine.

 

As I've been learning from posts on this forum, you can take as long as you need to refine your image of yourself, your own definitions, it's not a race against other trans men (if that's who you decide you are). You can be "really trans" and not fit into what you see on videos and whatnot. I feel like there are so many "invisible" trans people, and it's easy to think someone is only trans if they're out to everyone.

 

It seems that you are working on your personal story by posting about it here and I think that's great. I also am glad to hear you've done some exploring into aspects of your health to work on your anxiety. It sounds like you are really trying to take care of yourself and get to know yourself.

[MiloR]

Hey @DonkeySocks,

I think it made my day to read that my story can be in any way validating for someone else !! I feel pretty isolated with my questions and feelings, so it's truly a relief to know I'm not going crazy or anything, that I'm not alone with this. And I'll take my time answering those questions, you're very right, it's not a race. And a lot of trans people are probably invisible, yes... I mean, to an outsider I'd be very invisible as trans myself, so...

Anyway, thank you again for your kind words of reassurance and support, it means the world to me !

[Gabriel]

On 10/7/2020 at 8:56 PM, MiloR said:

And to add more problems, in my language (French), you can't be neutral when you talk about yourself, because it's not just a matter of pronouns, even adjectives and everything is gendered in the grammar, so even if options exist because some try to find neutral pronouns

 

Feel you there @MiloR ! It's the same in Catalan. A mess.

 

I share many of your experiences. About feeling pretty clearly I'm not cis, actually leaning pretty much male, and yet I too believe that I have a beautiful body. I feel way more comfortable with man's clothes, and yet it drives me nuts that the men's seccions in shops are so small and sad. I want to dress like a man, but I still want to look good!!

 

So, I guess it all falls back again to exploring right? We'll find it!! We'll find ourselves

[MiloR]

Hi again @Noah A ! Thank you for having read my long post ^^

It's very validating for me to know that you share what I feel. I'm too way more comfortable in men's clothes, and I've been trying to dress in men's clothes for a month now and feel so good about it, so now I'm thinking I'm probably trans. Yes, I've always found men's fashion a bit sad and restricted though... I think it's a shame. Men should have the opportunity to dress as bright and as beautiful as women in my opinion.

 

So yes, I'm currently trying to experiment to find what works for me, and I hope you'll find what you enjoy most too !

[Jackie C.]

Brighter clothing for men exists, but you might have to shop around for it a little. "Mainstream" stores are likely to only stock the standard black, blah... I mean brown gray, etc... that men usually wear. Hawaiian shirts exist for example. I've seen some pretty flamboyant patterns as well. Look for specialty shops. Like where the more flamboyantly gay men in your area shop. They'll have a lock on men's fashion that isn't dull.

 

Hugs! 

[MiloR]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Brighter clothing for men exists, but you might have to shop around for it a little. "Mainstream" stores are likely to only stock the standard black, blah... I mean brown gray, etc... that men usually wear. Hawaiian shirts exist for example. I've seen some pretty flamboyant patterns as well. Look for specialty shops. Like where the more flamboyantly gay men in your area shop. They'll have a lock on men's fashion that isn't dull.

Hey @Jackie C., thank you a lot for the advice ! I love the shape masculine clothes give me, but I'm never against a touch of colour or originality, so I'll try to find places where I don't have to dress only in grey  I'll ask around if anyone knows cool places like that where I can buy those types of clothes ! Thank you for telling me, I actually hadn't thought about it.