Feeling Bad

[Jacqui]

I've seen my gender therapist four times over the past four weeks.  She's been getting me to try various things, and to explore how my body reacts (i.e., do things feel "good" or "bad' at a visceral level).

 

As I move through the process, I find myself at times feeling sicker and sicker, more and more dislocated, more and more lost and afraid.  Instead of moving toward self-acceptance, I seem to be moving away.  I'm not even sure of the nature of the self I need to accept.

 

Maybe for me self-discovery and self-acceptance will take a long time.  It sure would be easier if I had some positive feelings too.

 

Have any of you reacted this way to therapy?

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Therapy in general takes a long time. You're slowly chipping away at the bad bits and letting the good bits out. It's like trying to sculpt a statue, but you only get to make a stroke of the chisel every couple weeks. Sometimes there's a breakthrough and you make a good stroke, sometimes you need to step back and figure out where to make the next nick.

 

That said, I haven't experienced what you're talking about often, but I have had sessions where I left in tears feeling like all hope is lost. It's part of the healing process, like when your body uses blood to flush out a wound. I didn't like a lot of myself before I came out. It's only natural that I'd react poorly to anything that makes me recall that part of my life. For (a really mild) example, I react viscerally to seeing my deadname. I also react to slowing or stopping any of the work I've been doing to improve myself.

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

4 hours ago, Jacqui said:

Maybe for me self-discovery and self-acceptance will take a long time.  It sure would be easier if I had some positive feelings too.

@JacquiI'm still so new at this therapy stuff, my life issues (PTSD) and my transition issues (wife and I) leave me with a mixed bag of worries sometime, a total feeling of relief. Other times I close the computer and think, I'll never get that time back, and it still cost me money. My take it slow attitude doesn't always work with my marriage either, although we did have what I'm calling a small breakthrough. My wife admitted we life in an #LGBTQ house now, and her realization that she was beginning to think of me as a truly Transgendered person. 

 

I love the sculptor metaphor @Jackie C. used to describe therapy as chipping away our old and having to step back, review and decide where the next chisele strike will be.

 

My positive note for you @Jacquiis that your as normal as the rest of us here at TransPulse, loved and excepted just as you are.

 

Thank you both for sharing your perspectives. I don't always respond, however I do read and grow from your input.

 

Hugs, 

 

Mindy???

[DeeDee]

5 hours ago, Jacqui said:

As I move through the process, I find myself at times feeling sicker and sicker, more and more dislocated, more and more lost and afraid.  Instead of moving toward self-acceptance, I seem to be moving away.  I'm not even sure of the nature of the self I need to accept.

Jacqui a lot will depend on what you bring up with your therapist as we all have different hopes and fears.

The fact that you mention "at times" to me suggests not all the time.  How much of the dislocation is because you are moving away from the known and into the unknown? How much is self inflicted doubts and concerns? When do you feel connected?

 

One of my big personal stumbling blocks has been the fact that I need to wear a wig to blend in when I am out as Dee. If I am trying to be myself, why do I need to hide? I did not want to be trading one costume for another, I am slowly coming round to the idea that it is like wearing my glasses and simply serves a purpose, also wig stores exist mainly for cis women, not just for me, so I am not doing something abnormal my aim is to get to the point where I see my wigs more like an accessory to help me create my outfit - I'm just not there yet.

?

[Jacqui]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful replies.

 

6 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I didn't like a lot of myself before I came out. It's only natural that I'd react poorly to anything that makes me recall that part of my life.

 

Jackie, in my case I think I'm reacting poorly to the thought of making changes.  I try something the therapist suggests, and then recoil from it.

 

3 hours ago, Mmindy said:

My wife admitted we life in an #LGBTQ house now, and her realization that she was beginning to think of me as a truly Transgendered person.

 

I'm very happy to hear this, Mindy!  It may be a bigger, more hopeful breakthrough than you imagine.

 

3 hours ago, DeeDee said:

How much of the dislocation is because you are moving away from the known and into the unknown? How much is self inflicted doubts and concerns? When do you feel connected?

 

Dee, my answers to those questions are:

1. A lot.
2. A lot.
3. When I stop thinking about changing things and fall back into my life as it has been.

Not very hopeful, is it?  Coincidentally, I happened upon a YouTube video of a TEDx talk yesterday entitled "Your Life Begins at the End of Your Comfort Zone".  I'm having a heck of a time internalizing that . . .

 

Looking back at some of my other posts, I see that at times I appear to "talk a good game", but I'm afraid it's just a front.  At the heart of it all, I'm just a sad, lonely, broken person.  Sorry for being so pitiful, but I feel pitiful.

 

 

 

[DeeDee]

@Jacqui We all have days where we could say this. Me especially! Take something that makes you feel good about yourself and focus on that when you can.

1 hour ago, Jacqui said:

At the heart of it all, I'm just a sad, lonely, broken person.

 

I can only send you hugs and hope that you feel a bit better soon. You are valued and special, when it comes to confidence my baby sister would say fake it till you make it. ?

[KathyLauren]

@JacquiI am sorry that you are feeling a bit lost.  It sounds like it is mostly fear of the unknown that is making you feel that way.

 

We all face that challenge at some point.  The way I looked at it was, would I rather place my bet on carrying on the way I was (the known) with a guarantee of being miserable, or take a chance on a change of direction (into the unknown) that might also make me unhappy but could end up being joyful?

 

When I go for my electrolysis sessions, I take a CD to listen to.  One day, early on, I took one by a favourite singer, Eileen McGann, which had a song called "Whitewater".  The line "Casting off dull certainty and reaching for that brightly shining hope" really resonated with me.  The whole song is a metaphor about a kind of transition, but that one line stood out as describing my transition.

 

Whitewater's calling, the river's sweet refrain
Sings a chorus to the forest as it's shaking off the rain
The night was passed in thunder but the dawn is breaking clear
Whitewater's calling, and I'm moving on from here

And I'm moving on my way, letting go the rope
Casting off all certainty and reaching for that brightly shining hope

Camped here forever, at least that how it seems
Waiting for a clearer sign, I'm wrestling with my dreams
I thought that they would bind me but now I think I see
Whitewater's calling, may it teach me to be free

And I'm moving on my way, letting go the rope
Casting off all certainty and reaching for that brightly shining hope

I know the current's swift here the water's running deep
I know there's many rocks ahead I've seen them in my sleep
I know that I could founder just around the bend
But I love the water's laughter so I'll see it to the end

And I'm moving on my way, letting go the rope
Casting off dull certainty and reaching for that brightly shining hope

[Jacqui]

@DeeDee and @KathyLauren, thank you for your kind supportive words.  They help.

 

Kathy, I am touched that you shared the lyrics to that inspiring song.