Afraid to admit it

[Gabriel]

I’m afraid to admit to myself that what I feel is true. I’m 45, AFAB, and for most of my life I didn’t have the concept of being in the wrong body. I didn’t know I was not CIS. I just spend my life trying like hell to fit in, wondering what was wrong with me, and self-isolating as the only way to find some peace.

 

Now when I look back, the new premise of “I am not a woman” makes it all take a whole new meaning and gives sense to the whole story. But again, there could be so many other reasons for my experiences and we are always biased when trying to make sense of memories.

 

Evidence from my exploring and experimenting these past months makes it pretty clear I’m not CIS. Just the idea that “I am not a woman and I do not need to be a woman” makes everything inside me relax. It’s a foreign sensation, like something loosens up, like maybe there could be a chance that I could be me. And yet, I spend as much time thinking I’m crazy and “what the heck am I hoping for”.

 

I found a gender therapist and, even though I’m only two sessions into therapy, just the idea that there is someone I can share this and try to make sense of it helps so much. But at the same time it feels like everything is in my head, kind of in an imaginary world, and that makes me doubt myself.

 

Truth is, I might have an idea of what feels right for me, but it terrifies me. I’ve been avoiding writing the words for 5 paragraphs now lol (I mean in this text). Ok… deep breath… I think I might be a gay trans man. There. Now I’m crying. Great.

 

At this point just the idea of being genderfluid o bigender would be a relief, in terms of being “easier” (which it is not, I’m not trying to minimize other people’s experiences!!). Then again, I do have feminine traits so maybe I shouldn’t rule out bigender.

 

I think that the fact that I am attracted to men, that it is easy for AFAB to dress pretty neutral and that I work in a pretty much male environment helped disguise the discomfort and not rightness of it all. I mean, if you are a woman attracted to men, what is there to look at right? (There goes my inner transphobic voice).

 

Anyway, here I am. As I’ve read you wisely say, no CIS person spends months digging obsessively about everything trans. And I feel you are right.

 

Sorry for such a long post.

 

I’ll love to read anything you can say about all this, if it resonates with you. I would specially love any thoughts or experiences around panic regarding something that feels right and the mind totally rationalizing it as not possible or obviously not the case.

 

A warm hug

[KayC]

Hi @Noah A! nice to meet you, and Welcome!

1 hour ago, Noah A said:

Just the idea that “I am not a woman and I do not need to be a woman” makes everything inside me relax.

Your feelings and experiences are shared by MANY of us here, myself included.  Trying to find "new" labels for ourselves can be frustrating, and maybe not even necessary .. but, it is great you are in gender therapy and now open to explore your true self.  Therapy was a life changing event for me.

 

1 hour ago, Noah A said:

at the same time it feels like everything is in my head, kind of in an imaginary world, and that makes me doubt myself.

I have / have had the same thoughts, specially at the beginning.  But you will gain confidence as you make progress. 

And don't worry about your sexual preferences.  It really has nothing to do with your gender identity. 

Self-acceptance is the ultimate goal for all of us .. and that is when the progress really starts.  Sounds like you are well on your way. 

Look forward to hearing more from you Noah❣️

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[MiloR]

Hey Noah,

I just read everything you've said and I have to tell you it resonates deeply with what I feel too. I'm only 22 though, and AFAB like you... And I think I may be a trans guy, but I have a hard time "accepting it" too, because yes, I have been acting like a woman all my life and never considered being trans until quite recently. And yes, like you I feel like a lot of my "weird" memories can be explained by the fact that I wasn't cis all this time, and it is quite confusing and disturbing at times.

I've first labelled myself as genderfluid when I realised I wasn't cis because I look feminine and still like some feminine stuff, but I sort of feel way better now that I'm using he/him pronouns and my chosen name, so I think this is what makes me say I'm probably trans now. But accepting it is terrifying, also because I know that my body is "beautiful" the way it is, and it makes me doubt sometimes. There seems to be like a gap between the image of me I see in a mirror, and what I think is "me" inside.

So, I would tell you to not worry for the time being if you have a hard time accepting  what you are because there's no rush to do or be anything that makes you uncomfortable. And in the end, you're still you, labelling as trans or as anything else doesn't change that.

I'm very anxious about all this myself, and I try to look at things from the perspective of liking things or not, and I think it helps to calm me down when I think it would be easier to be feminine in my body because I'm so scared of what it could mean to be a trans man. Just saying "I like to be called he/him" or " I feel good in men's clothes" or anything really, without considering if people will find it good or bad may bring you some sort of clarity and peace. What I'm trying to say is focus on the things that make you feel good, first and foremost, and take your time. That's what I'm trying to do myself and even if I'm still scared, it gives me the feeling I'm not loosing myself and not being delusional or something. Because things you enjoy are part of you, and your personality is still there - that's what I find reassuring personnally.

Also I'm pansexual, so I'm also attracted to men, and don't worry, you still have the right to be attracted of whoever you want regardless of what you look like.

And congrats with finding a gender therapist, if it helps you, and gives you some clarity too... That's the best thing ever !

In any way, you have my support, and thank you for sharing your story with us.

Milo

[Gabriel]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Self-acceptance is the ultimate goal for all of us .. and that is when the progress really starts.  

 

Hi @KayC! Wonderful to meet you. Thank you so much for your words. They mean a world.

 

You are so right. None of this makes any sense unless it is about self-acceptance and self-love.

 

Deep breath , and warm hug 

[Gabriel]

1 hour ago, MiloR said:

So, I would tell you to not worry for the time being if you have a hard time accepting  what you are because there's no rush to do or be anything that makes you uncomfortable. And in the end, you're still you, labelling as trans or as anything else doesn't change that.

 

Hi @MiloR! Great to meet you!

 

You are right! And at the same time it feels like there is a part of me that would be more comfortable just "knowing". But I accept that is how the mind works, and that's ok.

 

So now that the anxiety is lower, back to experimenting - which is where the real clues are, just as you said. I still haven't found the courage to ask anyone to refer to me as he/him. That would mean coming out to them and it is scary. The people that is closer to me now are people that have known me from my "overfimininizing" last 8 years. I tried to broach the subject with a psicologist friend of mine and he said "you feel totally femenine to me". That sent me scurrying back to hiding. And one of my best friends the only person I've told about all this) is supportive of my questioning, but actually pretty skeptical about me being anything but a woman. That actually hurts.

 

Again, my gender therapist helped so much with that.

 

I totally get your confusion and fear. Wods like "confusion" "uncertainty" do not cover the scope of emotion that hides behind them. But I guess we are in the right place, and people here really get it. So this is a gift.

 

What if we could actually try to have fun? That would create a different experience right?

 

Warm hugs

[MiloR]

2 hours ago, Noah A said:

So now that the anxiety is lower, back to experimenting - which is where the real clues are, just as you said. I still haven't found the courage to ask anyone to refer to me as he/him. That would mean coming out to them and it is scary. The people that is closer to me now are people that have known me from my "overfimininizing" last 8 years. I tried to broach the subject with a psicologist friend of mine and he said "you feel totally femenine to me". That sent me scurrying back to hiding. And one of my best friends the only person I've told about all this) is supportive of my questioning, but actually pretty skeptical about me being anything but a woman. That actually hurts.

Okay, so about the pronouns : it takes a lot of courage to out yourself to others, I totally understand, and for that, I would recommend to take slow steps. I'm personnally in this process of telling everyone to use my chosen name and masculine pronouns, so, it's quite stressing and challenging, but extremely rewarding when people agree to do it.

I've been "overfeminine" for a long time in the past (wearing dresses, a lot of makeup, high heels, and so on), and so, a lot of my friends only saw me that way, and thought that feminity was an entire part of my personnality. One of my close friends even told me so. And it may have been part of who I was at the time, I don't know. But it's not who I am now and how I want to present myself now. I'm sorry to read your friend said that you felt feminine to him when it's not what you feel you. My therapist said something that I try to keep in mind because I find it very true, so I'm sharing it to you : it's not because people tell you for example that your favourite colour is red, or that you look better in red that it's true, and that you have to agree with them. That applies to gender, and to your identity: if you feel like you are a man, don't let anybody tell you otherwise. In the end, you are the one who knows what you feel and what you like, and you'll never be not enough of a man, or not enough in any way. So, you can totally contradict your friend and tell him he's wrong. You know better. And for pronouns, if you think you would feel better with he/him, don't hesitate to try, at least a day, with someone you trust, just as an experiment, to see how you feel. If it's just to experiment, maybe it'll feel less scary, you know ? But I believe it would help.

 

And yes ! Have as much fun as you want ! You have plenty of time to experiment with anything that you like and see what you feel !

[Gabriel]

1 hour ago, MiloR said:

you'll never be not enough of a man, or not enough in any way.

 

You really hit the nail in the head with that one. Thank you @MiloR

[GraceH]

5 hours ago, Noah A said:

I didn’t know I was not CIS. I just spend my life trying like hell to fit in

 

Hi Noah,

 

This resonates with me.   I knew sometime around thirty that I was not cis, but I thought I was male-adjacent with "something extra".  At the time, I think it was true, but things have changed.

 

5 hours ago, Noah A said:

there could be so many other reasons for my experiences and we are always biased when trying to make sense of memories.

OMG, I wish I still knew people who knew me in my 20s and 30s.  I'm really trying to make sense of what I was then.  I feel like my memories are filtered by my view of myself at the time, rather than my current view of myself, if that makes any sense.

 

5 hours ago, Noah A said:

But at the same time it feels like everything is in my head, kind of in an imaginary world

What else is there besides what is in our head?  We can't experience anyone else's reality, so we only have our own.  Our own view is completely valid.  Just don't be too disturbed if your internal reality is a bit fluid.  That's what I had to get used to, anyway.  One day I'm the mask, one day I'm the gooey center.  Both are real.  I feel more and more trans-feminine all of the time, but some of the other is me, too.  I don't feel a need to junk all of my boy-ness, just most of it.  But that changes every day and seems to be an ongoing process.  I think the difference is that I'm at peace with it now and at peace with the fact that I can't see the endpoint.  My biggest goal was to connect directly with all of my emotions and connect more emotionally with other people.  I'm pretty happy with my progress.

 

5 hours ago, Noah A said:

am not a woman and I do not need to be a woman” makes everything inside me relax.

Honestly, that statement makes me think you're a long way on your journey.  That kind of self-acceptance is one of the biggest hurdles, I think.

 

---

 

You'll find a lot of comfort here.  It's very helpful to find all the other people who are questioning.  A few kind words help so much.

 

--Grace

 

[Gabriel]

1 hour ago, sleepinflame said:

What else is there besides what is in our head?  We can't experience anyone else's reality, so we only have our own.  Our own view is completely valid.  Just don't be too disturbed if your internal reality is a bit fluid.  That's what I had to get used to, anyway.  One day I'm the mask, one day I'm the gooey center.  Both are real.  I feel more and more trans-feminine all of the time, but some of the other is me, too.  I don't feel a need to junk all of my boy-ness, just most of it.  But that changes every day and seems to be an ongoing process.  I think the difference is that I'm at peace with it now and at peace with the fact that I can't see the endpoint.  My biggest goal was to connect directly with all of my emotions and connect more emotionally with other people.  I'm pretty happy with my progress.

 

 

Hi Grace,

 

thank you so much for those words. I needed them. That's where I am, one day being the mask, and feeling it more, one day in a much more centered space where I can be what I am. I also do relate so much with not needing to ditch all my female-ness, just most of it. Realising this, that I do not need to lose what feels right for me brings me lightness and a sense that, this way, it is alright.

 

Warm hug