Fears that hold back

[Gabriel]

Hi!

 

There number of fears that go with gender exploration and questioning is so huge that they are impossible to number. But I would love to have your opinion on a couple of them that are holding me back right now.

 

One is the fear of losing something important of myself.

 

The other is the fear of maybe I'm confusing the origin of the problem, like what if my problem is "this" or "that" instead of gender identity? What if I am making this up? (I know this one needs several sessions with my gender therapist, and I'm sure we'll get there)

 

I would like to know your experiences with those, if you've had them.

 

 

[Charlize]

     I was afraid of loosing much of what i had grown to enjoy as a man.  Perhaps early in transition i did.  Insisting that i wear a skirt and act "womanly" seemed to control me.  Maybe that was right at that time as i needed to find my balance.  Today my activities are quite similar to what they were before transition.  I farm, do mechanical and carpentry work and live as a liberated female.  I my case i gained so much more than i lost.

     Therapy certainly helped me with this issue.  Looking back at my life helped me see patterns and i came to accept that they would simply keep repeating until i accepted them.  Each of us is different with different needs and paths but therapy certainly helped me as did time here reading of others journeys and sharing my own.  

      Glad you are here with us.  Finding our selves is hard without others.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Gabriel]

1 hour ago, Charlize said:

Finding our selves is hard without others.

 

So true and beautifully put. Thank you @Charlize

[Jani]

2 hours ago, Charlize said:

 I was afraid of loosing much of what i had grown to enjoy as a man.  Perhaps early in transition i did.  Insisting that i wear a skirt and act "womanly" seemed to control me.  Maybe that was right at that time as i needed to find my balance.  Today my activities are quite similar to what they were before transition.  I farm, do mechanical and carpentry work and live as a liberated female.  I my case i gained so much more than i lost.

I agree with Charlize's sentiment.  I was afraid of losing the parts of my life that I loved.  I've learned that it isn't necessary.  I've given up the negative parts but kept the positive.  

 

As to whether your problem is "this" or "that" or gender identity do you think the results are the same?  That you are questioning your gender? Try to focus on the "problem" and not the symptoms.  I hope I am clear.  

[Jo Anna]

That is where I am now.  I want to be a woman but I fear I will loss everything that is important to me if I transition 

[Jani]

1 hour ago, Jo Anna said:

I fear I will loss everything that is important

If this is the case then learning to live with yourself is important to maintain sanity.  It can be done.  I know several women who for either family or financial reasons will not transition.  They've reconciled with this.

[Heather Nicole]

On 10/26/2020 at 7:58 AM, Gabriel said:

The other is the fear of maybe I'm confusing the origin of the problem, like what if my problem is "this" or "that" instead of gender identity? What if I am making this up? (I know this one needs several sessions with my gender therapist, and I'm sure we'll get there)

 

While I'm afraid I can't help you untangle this one, I can definitely offer a big ol' bucket of "you're not alone" on it.

 

This is TOTALLY what I've been feeling a LOT of the last couple months, ever since realizing I might be trans after all (I previously had misunderstandings about what "counts"). And I'm only one session in with my gender therapist, no so answers for me just yet, either!

 

But there is one thing I've picked up from youtubers (I think it might've been Dr. Z) that I find helps calm my worry, at least a little bit:

 

For some of us, like both you and me from the sound of it (apologies if I've misunderstood)...We've had decades, nearly our entire lives, assuming and believing ourselves to be our birth gender. That is a LOT of life experience and...psychological inertia, for lack of a better term...to be going up against! Our minds have a lot of deeply-ingrained "well-trodden roads" that are naturally working against our ability to accept the possibility of being a different gender than we'd always assumed.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, and I certainly don't intend to play "amateur therapist", but I've been getting the impression that a better metric for trans than logical analysis (my usual, very deliberately-trained, go-to thought pattern) might very well be "What feels right? What feels wrong?" (Maybe I'm jumping the gun but so far, that seems to be a big part of my therapist's approach.)

 

Food for thought.

[Susan R]

4 hours ago, Jo Anna said:

I want to be a woman but I fear I will loss everything that is important to me if I transition 

I can relate very closely to these feelings. I was able to put all my life’s desires to be myself aside for 22 years to be with my wife and raise a family. I feared that I would lose it all if I came out and transitioned. I never thought she’d accept me as anything other than my fictional male persona. It turned out that I was wrong. During that 22 years, I sacrificed my happiness, calmness, and was often depressed which made it harder for everyone in my family. It’s a huge trade off. There are consequences to either choice. The decision is a hard one for each of us. I came to point that I had to move forward and at least try to be myself. I was dying inside and couldn’t stand living to be the person that others wanted me to be any longer.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Gabriel]

Wow, it's amazing to come back to this topic and see how much progress I've done in just 3 weeks thanks to you all and my therapist, and my own inner work too.

 

Yes, fears and doubts come back regularly to bite me, but it is not as hard as it was at all. Now, after sorting rationally through doubts and fears, I could make a stand for myself. And when they come back now I know I just need to breathe through them and stop giving them so much mental space. It feels good and affirming.

 

@Jo Anna I totally get how fear and doubt freeze us. But with the help of the wonderful peole in this site and, if you can, help from a gender therapist, you can get to wherever feels right for you. 

 

4 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

a better metric for trans than logical analysis (my usual, very deliberately-trained, go-to thought pattern) might very well be "What feels right? What feels wrong?"

 

I totally agree with that Heather. And also, there comes a point where we have to take a stand for ourselves and for what we feel is our truth. And when fear and doubt come back, that they will and do, just salute them and let them walk by our side without coming to a schreeching halt, just let them be and keep moving towards what feels right.

[Guest]

Thanks for this topic. I still ponder whether I was born transgender (assuming you accept the idea that being trans is something that occurs in utero) & developed mental health problems as a result, or if my gender dysphoria issues were simply one aspect of a broader mental health problem. The fact is I'll never know. And it doesn't really matter anyway. But I still wonder. 

[DeeDee]

1 hour ago, Overalls Bear said:

I still ponder whether I was born transgender (assuming you accept the idea that being trans is something that occurs in utero) & developed mental health problems as a result, or if my gender dysphoria issues were simply one aspect of a broader mental health problem.

Hi Overalls, I just wanted to respond to this a little in the off chance it will help.

 

I have spent literal months over the last couple of years reading different articles and blogs about rapid onset dysphoria and autogynephilia and how they were done as well as their counter arguments and as far as I can tell the science may be young but it is still genuine science revolving around the hormones released during fetal development and cat scan evidence of trans v cis brains which was done seperately but seems to back up the horomone perspective so it is much more than simply an idea someone had that sounded reasonable. 

The current world medical view is that dysphoria is what causes the mental health issues and not that the mental health issues that cause the dysphoria, the problem is that the general society view has not yet totally changed to match.

The similarities to how being gay used to be "treated" with attempted conversion therapy are not lost on me and that process is now widely accepted to have been thoroughly debunked. It takes a while for the world (and us as people) to catch up.

It may be confirmation bias on my part, but the current science combined with looking at how I have reacted to and thought about different things over my life was what helped things shift internally for me. It is my own fear and uncertainty that was making me drag my heels and try and produce roadblocks to moving forward to where I obviously want to go.

 

[VickySGV]

2 hours ago, DeeDee said:

The current world medical view is that dysphoria is what causes the mental health issues and not that the mental health issues that cause the dysphoria, the problem is that the general society view has not yet totally changed to match.

 

@Overalls Bear  This has been taken even a few steps further forward based on young children.  At a Trans Health conference I attended 10 years ago, there was a study reported out after nearly 10 years of work, that showed where ALL children, Cis and Trans know their individual identities including gender by 3 years old, and by 4.5 those identities are only going to change is small ways the rest of the person's life.  For Trans people illness comes largely from the stress of feeling a our identities are not being fulfilled by our families and our communities.  We have traits that the are best fulfilled in one way, a way which we are forbidden to take, either by neglect or hostility of our parents.  Little things like what toys to play with, or social interactions we are forced to make pile stress up on us and takes the edge off of happiness for us.  We want our parents to honor us and respect us as well as love us and give us the other needs of human children, but they are the ones who have mistaken our identities due to our genitalia and it takes near miracles to convince them that we are someone other than what they thought, and what they demand of us.  Suicidality rates as high as 51% in Trans people drop to 4% (national average for Cis is 4.6%) when one parent accepts that the child is not the gender indicated by their developing secondary sex characteristics.  I made a post about this a few days ago with a meme in this forum. https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/topic/81965-comment-on-trans-recognition-acceptance/?tab=comments#comment-743975

[Lexi C]

Hey Gabriel

I can related to that right now. I  am so filled with anxiety. I 57yrs mtf ,currently over 30 months on HRT and I have one surgery under my belt with one come up dec 10. 

All i keep thinking is am I doing the right thing. I still get mis gendered, I am a bald and need to wear wigs., I am unable to get aroused or ejaculated. My Dysphoria is through the roof every time I look at mirror. I afraid to put on make cause that means look at myself.

. So as of now My biggest loss is my mind...and each day its getting worse,,,Sorry i hope this helps

[Gabriel]

@Lexi C I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. One of the things I'm learning here is to expect ups and downs on this journey, and how necessary it is to have some coping tools to go through them, plus a good dose of patience and tons of love for ourselves.

As I read your message I look at your picture and I see lots of beautiful things you can focus on. Your softness, the shape of your face, you really feel feminie in that photo. Also, what about your feminine inner traits? I can feel them there. You can feel them too if you want to. Look up because you are great, don't miss yourself.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It definitely helps.

[Lexi C]

Thank you Gabriel 

[DonkeySocks]

@Lexi C

I hope you have a safe and successful surgery in Dec.!

[Lexi C]

Ty DS. Love that name super cool