I think I'm a bit Gender Fluid/non-binary/gender non conforming.

[NinthDoctorGirl]

I'm 28, Female by birth. And I'm ok with my body, it's nice. But I've always had issues with wearing clothes that are overly feminine. 

I always preferred to wear jeans and a t-shirt. I used to wear ? to parties or nights out but now even on those occasions I don't really want to. 

Very occasionally I enjoy wearing a dress but I'm more comfortable in trousers. 

 

I've never been particularly feminine. I have my moments but I was always a 'tom boy'. 

I relate to men and women equally although I'm only attracted to men. 

 

And I like to wear makeup sometimes even when I'm dressed more 'masculine'.

 

I know I'm not trans but I also know it's not as simple as just fitting in to a female gender stereotype.

 

How do I go about figuring this out?

[Jackie C.]

Ok, so it sounds like you just don't like to go really girly. You're comfortable in your own body. You see men and women as people not gender stereotypes. Your style is a little on the butch side.

 

So what's the problem? Gender stereotypes are a thing, sure, but you don't have to fit in with them. I know plenty of girls who like "boy" things and boys who like "girl" things. Just because "The Wisdom of the Elders" or some such nonsense says that you have to do or like a thing because you were assigned female at birth doesn't make it true. You do you. People (slow people) might think you're a little non-conventional but so what? You're happy, comfortable and trying to live your best life. That's what it's all about.

 

Hugs!

[Gabriel]

Hi @NinthDoctorGirl, welcome.

 

What Jackie C. says is totally right. We don't need to conform to any stereotype.

 

That said, it sounds like something is driving you to ask the question if there is something else here. So... what is nagging you under the clothes/make up stuff? Is there something else that is asking for your attention, even if it is a subtle feeling? Have you seen, read or felt something that stirred something? What is your desire? What/who would you like to be if there was no preconception of who you are?

[NinthDoctorGirl]

7 hours ago, Noah A said:

Hi @NinthDoctorGirl, welcome.

 

What Jackie C. says is totally right. We don't need to conform to any stereotype.

 

That said, it sounds like something is driving you to ask the question if there is something else here. So... what is nagging you under the clothes/make up stuff? Is there something else that is asking for your attention, even if it is a subtle feeling? Have you seen, read or felt something that stirred something? What is your desire? What/who would you like to be if there was no preconception of who you are?

I developed early, and it's like since the age of 16 i've just felt uncomfortable being looked at when i'm in 'girly' clothes. I guess I had a few uncomfortable experiences with men. Like this one time I was out drinking with friends in a bar (I was 17), and these two creepy middle aged guys were just staring at me. Then when my friends and I were buying chips they followed us and started asking me to go home with them. I said no and walked out but my male friend told me that when I left they said some really creepy stuff to him. I've had comments thrown at me by well meaning male friends, judgement from female friends. I've been groped in bars by creeps who won't take no for an answer unless I tell them I have a boyfriend (or girlfriend if that's the only option). 

 

I've never been girly, even as a little kid, but i just want to figure out if my 'questioning' is legit, or if i've got trauma issues that I need to deal with.

[NinthDoctorGirl]

When I say I developed early, to clarify, I started puberty at 10. I felt that people started to see me differently straight away and it kind of sucked.

[Gabriel]

9 hours ago, NinthDoctorGirl said:

i just want to figure out if my 'questioning' is legit, or if i've got trauma issues that I need to deal with.

 

I don't think that is an either/or question. If there is some trauma it would be way better for you if you address it with a therapist, so you can understand the impact it has had in your life and how to manage it. At the same time, questioning your gender identity is always legit, regardless of the end result or how you end up identifying as. It is always a path of self discovery and it is good in and of itself.

 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

4 hours ago, Noah A said:

 

I don't think that is an either/or question. If there is some trauma it would be way better for you if you address it with a therapist, so you can understand the impact it has had in your life and how to manage it. At the same time, questioning your gender identity is always legit, regardless of the end result or how you end up identifying as. It is always a path of self discovery and it is good in and of itself.

 

 

 

 

Seconded. You should probably talk to a therapist. It did wonders for me.

 

Hugs!

[DeeDee]

@NinthDoctorGirl Hello! Lots of good advice already, and an online counsellor is fairly reasonable just now if you look about, just get one that has some sort of LGBT contact/connection to ensure there is no bias. Be honest with them and say you are unsure if it is due to personal experience or a sense of identity and they will help you work through your feelings. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself. Your questioning is 100% legit no matter what you decide.

[Astrid]

On 11/1/2020 at 9:45 AM, NinthDoctorGirl said:

I know I'm not trans but I also know it's not as simple as just fitting in to a female gender stereotype.

How do I go about figuring this out?

One resource I'd heartily recommend is the book How to Understand Your Gender by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker, who are both mental health professionals and trans-identified.  You can find reviews of it here:

 

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35290631-how-to-understand-your-gender#:~:text=How To Understand Your Gender is a guide,gender and its diversity in the twenty-first century.

 

I used this a few years ago prior to coming out and revisited it over the course of almost a year.  It has useful exercises as well as clearly written explanations of the many gender identities.

 

Best wishes!

 

Astrid