Hi everyone! ​?‍♀️​ My name is Vanessa ​?​

[Vanessa Michelle]

I am a closeted MtF transgender woman in my mid 40's, born an assigned male. I only came out a month ago to two close, LGBT friends who would understand and not out me. I can't afford to be outted and lose everything. But who can I suppose? Anyway, I have struggled with my identity as a woman my entire life, since my earliest memories (5 years old), but growing up in a very conservative Christian home caused me to believe this was sinful and as I got older I did all I could to "change." I think we all know how well that works Lol. I have always wanted to be a girl and have been asked by more people than I can count if I am gay, presumably because I do not walk or "act" all that straight. I didn't know what to make of that growing up so I assumed and identified as Bi when I was a teen and in my early 20's. I eventually thought I was delivered from that and it was all just a phase I needed God to heal me of in order to start being a real man. (That never happened Lol) But finally, after all these decades of fighting and denying who I am, I am comfortable, even proud admitting to myself that I am a woman and it has thus far been very liberating. I have been married twice and have two daughters with my current (2nd) wife. I love my family and am happy, but the struggle has always been there and nobody knows. I am also a minister so as you can imagine, this further complicates matters. I don't want to type a thesis here, so I will leave it at that and reiterate that it's very complicated and I am not ready to fully come out right now, though doing so to my two friends and here has brought me a great deal of healing and actually unlocked my femininity in new ways, also allowing myself to think and believe this way, free of judgment as I now understand Scripture properly and the fact that neither the Bible nor God in any way condemns us as LGBT+ individuals. I owe that revelation not only to God, but to Matthew Vines and Kathy Baldock. I am so grateful for their work. I don't know where this road will lead me, but I feel more at peace within myself than ever before and were the right time and opportunity to present itself, I am very open to fully transitioning at some point. I have been watching YouTube videos by other MtF trans women to encourage myself and better understand my own journey and one of my favorite sisters I started watching a few months ago, @jae bear recommended to her viewers to come here. So, here I am! ?‍♀️  I have been reading threads for the last week since I joined and am so thankful to hear your stories and find out I am not so odd after all Lol. I could not find the proper labels (I actually like labels because they help me understand things better) to fit my feelings and attractions until I arrived here. It makes sooo much more sense now, and I thank you all for that! Anyway, here I am and I am so happy to be here and on the journey with each of you. I can't wait to get to know you all better. ♥️  

[Susan R]

Welcome @vanessa45, apparently you did locate the ‘Create>Topic’ button and I’m sure glad you found it. Your story resonates so much with mine on so many levels, it’s uncanny. Similar conservative family, similar indoctrination I was a boy and similar denial, similar hoping for delivery from the evil sin of being myself and nothing changing...and so on. I hope you find a way to be happy whichever path you decide for yourself. I think you just took a very big step in the right direction. Not accepting yourself for who you are is a stumbling block of so many, as it was for me for so many years. I was much older than you when I took that step so you’re already years ahead of me in coming to that acceptance. There’s no going back as you know. Once you know who you really are, looking back is nothing more than the usual denial, suppression, and compartmentalization act...aka: a dead end.

 

I am hopeful, despite it being very early in your journey, that you will find your way. I hope to read more about it too so don’t be a stranger!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Vanessa.  Welcome!

 

I am glad that you have found someone to come out to.  (And of course, there are always us.)  I hope you are able to find a way forward that will work for you and your family.  I would highly recommend seeing a gender therapist.  Talking to a professional who understands the issues is very helpful, and can give you a perspective on what you want and how to achieve it.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Gabriel]

Hi Vanessa. Welcome!

 

I love the acceptance you've come to. Whatever the path you choose, that's a solid foundation.

Good to meet you

[DeeDee]

Hi Vanessa, pleased to meet you.  

 

I'm sure you have discovered by now that there are many women here who have had experiences that match some of your own, but your story and journey will be unique to you.

 

10 hours ago, vanessa45 said:

I am also a minister so as you can imagine, this further complicates matters.

As someone trying to sail that same boat and stay off the presbyterian rocks, I immediately realised during my questioning that all of the rocks I was worried about were man made! I have been here 2 years, asking all sorts of questions, I am sure you will navigate your way through. ?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Vanessa,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Jani]

Hello again Vanessa!  Thank you for your introduction.  As you many have read many of our bio's I'm sure you can see you are eerily similar to many of us.  You are in good company.  That you are a minister may seem to throw a wrench into the gears but maybe not.  In all my readings I have come across many religious that identify in our corner.  Please continue to read, reply and post your own threads as you wish.  I'm glad you found us.

 

Cheers, Jani

[Ivy]

Welcome Vanessa.

As you've no doubt seen, may of us share similar stories.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Vanessa.  I don't think you should feel any pressure, either internally or externally, to come out to anyone if you are not ready for that step.  Once that cat gets out of the back, its nearly impossible to put it back in (I used to own cats, so I know whereof I speak).  Do everything in your own time and in your own way, and you'll be all right.

 

We can help you here, which I think you've already discovered by reading many posts.  Please ask us anything, and we'll do our best to help.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[KayC]

On 11/9/2020 at 8:11 AM, vanessa45 said:

I am a closeted MtF transgender woman

Hi Vanessa!  Welcome again,  and thank you for posting Your Story!

I am closeted at this time also, maybe for some reasons similar to yours, so I understand the burden and anxiety that can create.
This Forum has been a great source of encouragement and acceptance for me, and personal growth and confidence just over several months.  I hope you find the same.
This Forum also gave me the courage to seeker Gender Therapy and I don't know what my life would be without that.  If you haven't started I hope you can find access to this important aspect of transition.

 

Hoping to hear more from you in the future❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Vanessa Michelle]

Thank you all so much for the love and acceptance and the warm welcome! I really appreciate it and all of you so much! I also appreciate you sharing a bit of your stories and their similarities to mine. It definitely helps me feel like I'm not alone and all that different. It really comforts me. I will continue to read up on all that I can here, and interact with as many of you as I can. Due to my need for discretion, I am most active here late at night (CST) while I work on side projects as a computer programmer so I am at my desk and alone. Bless you all and thank you once again for welcoming me into the community!! ♥️